completely stupid

im tired..didnt watch supernatural because it was a rerun that ive already seen and didnt want to watch again..so i just read some..and then of course got back online before i went to bed..and now i end up writing because i keep asking myself all these questions i cant answer..question of tonight is what are you afraid of? asked backwards because its easier having a conversation with myself when it seems like im talking about someone else..and yep that just makes me incredibly sane but anyway..first thought is being afraid of the dark but that ones to easy to be influencing anything ..besides i have like 3 night lights that come on once the lights go off anyone..not hugely bright or anything but it helps when i want the extra light for some reason...didnt find out what i wanted with that one and i keep asking it..because all of what im thinking is really just staying with surface stuff..and i know there is a big reason for why i suddenly find it important to know what im scared of..but then i think its stupid because i can say im scared of the dark and bugs and creepy bushes but that makes it seem childish..so what am i really afraid of..i dont know..monsters under the bed ..nope try again..being forgotten..maybe..ive thought about that before..and..maybe its just because sometimes i think im useless and a waste of space and time and concern that i do worry about being forgotten ..once i leave and move who will remember me or anything ive done? what would be the point in remembering me..why would anyone do that? i havent done anything worth being remembered for..it hurts thinking that there is nothing in me worth remembering at all..but this is incredibly onesided too i guess since im prolly letting my opinions get in the way of understanding all of it..is it possible to exist one you are no longer in one place ? what else..being hit being hurt..being trapped...doesnt take much to creep me out and none of the time ive been anywhere has managed to work out my dislike of having someone walking behind me..like just normal in the store shopping and suddenly theres someone walking behind you but not paying you any attention at all kinda thing..it worrys me..makes me start criticizing everything abouot me..wonder what they want when i dont know them in the first place..worse at night but still bad during the day too..dont think ive gotten around to really thinking about the trapped issue..hard to explain anyway..being trapped without pyhsically being tied down or locked in something doesnt really make sense..but it happens occansionally..the random timespans when suddenly all your options are taken away and theres a way out but its not the one you want at all..no choice live or die kinda things..ok maybe not literally but it seems like that..take the choice your given and hope it works..hope its fair..and kill yourself picking it because the stakes are way to high and they arent yours anyway...i guess thats a control thing too..if your being given a choice that you dont like and dont want but have to take then you cant really control it..you could say no but thats prolly one of those pros outweigh the cons big time and saying no just isnt the brightest idea..but i dont know.guess ill think about it and see if i can come up with aanything else

just the same

why do things have to be so confusing and sad..maybe im just making all of it confusing and sad and that makes it all worse..cas i know its my fault and i dont know how to fix it..if i stopped long enough and thought about it i guess i could remember something from therapy that might help but right now i everything has gone into hiding and i prolly couldnt find anything i really needed..work was just long today..long and drawn out and i was so ready to go by like 3..slacked on getting other work done but ill have stuff to do tomorrow and still ahve to stay all day prolly..i would leave early but not by alot..around 4 though..supposed to be getting bad weather tomorrow here too and im really hoping its ok when i have to leave..its bad enough driving when its starting to get dark..but anyway..same old usual worries running around in my head..while i was feeling dead today i looked up apartment stuff and actually found some that looked ok enough to check out..felt stupid for thinking gas and electricity were the same things..no idea why i would need both or maybe im just missing something..all of it still scares me though..i dont want it to because being scared makes me worry im making the wrong choice about all of it..and that maybe i should stay here and just figure something else out..but im not sure i want to stay here..i want to be on my own.. im getting tired of everything and maybe a change of scenery will be good..maybe all of it will be good and i just dont know it yet..i just worry because i dont know what ill do once im really by myself...i barely remember when i started college and what i worried about..the dominate thing was being paranoid completely of mommy just turning up somewhere..freaked everytime i saw a van that looked like ours for the first year..that i remember but not much else..cutting and purging where big problems then but they worked for whatever reasons..and now it helps but not as much..no idea why i dont just stop then but anyway..once im by myself whats to say i wont start doing all the same stuff again? im not big on being by myself for to long in a bad mood..how can i trust myself to stay safe at all when there really wont be anyone there to check on me and make sure im doing the important stuff..like getting out of bed or eating or something else equally mundane..how much does it suck that i cant even get myself to believe i wont try to kill myself once im gone..i cant even believe i wont do it now..here i guess i know what counts as getting help and what will happen if im that stupid..i dont know anything about what sc is like and what would happen..not that i would call anyone anyway but still..incase i changed my mind or something what would i do..all of it sucks..cant believe im dumb enough to have any of this in my head anyway..had ice cream for dinner..wasted a lot of money today and on something as unimportant as food..considered purging now but dont really want too..took a while to decide on if i wanted to go and get more..decided against it but eating has moved back into completely off the wall..spend most of the day not eating and then once im off o f work all i want to do is eat for a couple hours and then stop again..guess the good part still would be not purging but since i think about it enough i dont know if it really counts as not doing it..picked up my razors from work today..dont realy remember why i took them out of my bag in the first place and at work but i have them again just to have ...the new cuts on my ankle arent bad and havent gotten to the really itchy part yet..but im guesing ill get to scratch the heck out of them in a couple days..maybe ill spend the weekend sleeping ..dont know yet if yvonne will be going home or not but i guess ill come home tomorrow and find a note..i do want to go and see the nativity story but lacking money kinda..best to wait until i know all the bills have been paid..so ill just spend the weekend in the house most likely..not going home..waste of gas..nothing to do around town that i want to do..dorthy asked if i would come to the hospital on saturday so maybe ill do that if i wake up on saturday in an ok mood..still dont know

dead

i dont want to be bothered today..i want to stay home and stay in bed and just do nothing for the next few dayys..not possible i guess since im already up and half dressed anyway.. ill go to work and be fine until its time to go home again and then ill run out of ideas to stay busy..i cant even figure out anything to wear right this minute..dont want to go and start pulling everything out of my closet because i already have a ton of clothes on the floor that i need to pick up...everynight i plan on cleaning up and never get around to it..feeling a little bit sick..maybe i have the flu and need to stay home..but i wouldnt miss my last days..sick or not..would only make me feel worse...so well guess i got around the anixety part cas its not making me nervous anymore..all of it is just making me incredibly sad and scatterbrained..i look around the message boards i like and cant write anything to help anyone ..i start thinking of something to write but when it actually gets around to writing and posting it i start mixing it all up and end up not writing anything..i suck because it is easier making someone else feel better and im not doing it..christmas lights are coming out now..one of the people who lives across from us has there christmas tree up..considering i can see into there living room from my window..not that i look or anything but i noticed the lights the other night..and when i first saw it it made me really happy and that lasted for less than 5 minutes before i started thinking christmas lights are so depressing..we cant get a tree..no one will be here to take care of it after a couple weeks..dont have the money to spend on one anyway..always want one but never get one..i better go finish getting ready before im stuck in traffic

nothing

nothing really to write about i guess...heads feeling kinda empty right now..work was fine..the drives to and from work were fine..cooked dinner and didnt like it but i wasnt really expecting too..just wanted to cook something..im so not a pasta person..i should stop cooking it and pretending to eat it..just picked the shrimp out of it..throwing a whole bowl of noodles away as soon as i walk into the kitchen...really tired though..gotta stay up tonight to watch antm..can not miss that show..after that it doesnt matter and ill prolly go to bed..friday ill be in the office by myself..janet and cindy are both going to be out..kinda weird but kinda nice too..its not as freaky being alone there now... almost started crying about it this morning..sucked majorly too...im incredibly boring today

this waking up at 5 thing has got to stop..

..

how utterly depressing it is that im not doing anything anymore but looking at the clock watching the minutes drag by so i can go to bed..did read for a while..talked to mommy and found out riley and harris are going to new york this weekend and the bahamas for new years..i knew about the bahamas already but i didnt know about new york..given if i was asked to go i wouldnt say no considering i never do anything worth thinking about over the weekend..but i wasnt asked so i dont know..that might change but im not expecting it too...and theres nothing on tv i want to look at..yvonnes not home..i want to go to bed..but im not sleepy at all..and theres nothing to take to help me sleep..so im just waiting until i start to get tired..not like im doing anything at all to stay awake for but im guessing ill read ..funny how time seems to really slow down when i want it to go as fsat as possible.. i could just go to bed now but it wouldnt work..and since ive been not writing for about an hour now guess im done

nervous breakdown

maybe im having a nervous breakdown and just dont know it yet..not like i have anything to go on but maybe ill just wake up one morning and completely freak...i dont know..its been a really really weird day..so so paranoid about my car now ..always wondering if it will cut on or turn off now..now that i actually have jumper cables ill prolly never ever need them...it worked fine today..didnt cut off at all..drove fine well as fine as my driving goes..went to therapy and asked for valium ..not that i got any or will get an actual prescription either..i cant even figure out what im going to do with the last one i have..i know exactly where it is without looking for it ..as soon as i think about it i can pinpoint where its not and im hiding it or anything but im not sure i want to take it either..but if i dont take it them what am i going to do with it..the more things start to freak me out the more i want to take it just because it will make me sleep completely for a while..when i took it last time i had me sleeping in less than an hour..not that i was incredibly active when i took it but whatever..i want it as muchas i want to cut or purge but i just look at it and cant decide...and because i want it so much i already know i wouldnt ever be able to trust myself with a script for more than one..i wouldnt trust myself with any of those meds...and i dont want to have to take them but i was thinking about it today after it came up in therapy and my initial thought is always no..because i cant be trusted to put it simply and its just easier not having the temptation there ..mainly i guess because given enough time and stress it wouldnt take much to talk myself into overdosing..i dont take meds correctly now and those are reg tylenol and what not..so just kinda better not to have any unless im like completely off the wall or something..guess its prolly a good thing i know that..sucks big time but i know it all the same..and no one in their right mind knowing my rather small history would give me valium anyway...nice to think about but no..beyond the med t hing i was thinking about my anxiety levels today and its just really ahrd explaining how nervous and scared i can get and then stay that way for a good while before it even starts to lessen..i can tell in my writing and i know when i am but no one else really could unless i said something about it..and it just sucks because once im completely nervous or anxious or scared about something i really cant be helped...i just dont listen to anything or dont believe anything...and its weird that it happens in the times when im by myself ..timeframe wise im not in therapy or really talking to anyone for that matter..ill write and drive myself up the wall wondering about all of it but more likely than not i dont really ask for help..how can anyone help me when im like that? its one of those constantly moving becasue sitting still makes it all worse...i dont know..maybe meds would help..maybe they wouldnt ..but for the sake of addictions and what not ill hold off on getting on anything..and of course lack of insurance helps with that decision too..right now im not really really anxious about everything but im nervous about everything that is happening..and it gets worse when i stop and think about it because i try to remember that im supposed to let it happen and then let it go..but as soon as it starts i get scared and of course start pushing all of it away..im gonna develop a nervous twitch again..but at least the jumping eye thing has stopped...ok gotta change the subject...accept that your scared..no i cant..your a waste of time..a lot of time lately has gone into telling myself to calm down before i freak out ..not that it helps but its a distraction for the time being i guess..calm down and think about something else..and why does cutting have to be the next thought?! why cant i get a break..cut this morning..dont need to cut again..cutting has changed and im not sure i like it anymore..the shame of doing it is still there but now more guilt about all of it..like im supposed to be better and im supposed to stop and i havent yet and so i just suck more for doing it..i dont do it a lot anymore and that too was brought up in therapy..and i really dont know when all of it changed..i mean i still do it but not as much or as often..it has been a really long time since ive done anything on a daily basis..b/p is back to be once or twice every other week..cutting is getting back to 2 or 3 week time spans..and even when i do it its not horrible..havent burned in forever..i dont remember the last time but its been more than 6 months..but since i havent stopped it doesnt count as getting better..its like im just delaying the inevitable..and ill do it eventually and one of these days ill get around to killing myself but i dont know when ill do it...not even that worries me since i think about dying so much...a lot of things i dont even notice until its brought up..i dont give myself credit for a lot of stuff and i dont think that will change..im not sure i do want it to change really.why give myself credit for anything when idont matter at all ?! would be a waste of time and effort really..i really have no idea what im going to do with myself when i leave..i really really dont know..and still leaving makes me want to cry and im s cared i will cry...really really soon..bet if i did have a breakdown no one would notice..i could prolly get away witih killing myself and no one would notice at all..this being one of the few times i would scream not to be left alone and ill be more alone than ever..just kinda works out that way i guess..ill do my usual stuff and be dumb enough not to really die..and be ok because it wont matter as long as no one can see what ive done..so i guess that makes it a win/win situation..could be a win/lose situation but ill show up at my graduation and be happy...completely forgot i hadnt been taking my vitamins until i brought it up today..i was starting to scare myself i couldnt remember if i took them or not and then wouldnt take them anyway cas i wasnt sure..how can the days run together so much..my lack of memory skills should really be questioned..it took me an hour to rmemeber what i did at work last week..and i was only there one day..didnt do that much and i couldnt remember! i cant remember anything i did the week before that..and if i do start to remember something i dont know when i did it..i think my head as a leak or something..everything just slips out and i dont mean it too..early childhood has been wiped out..i should stop trying to remember it..but all the gaps i have no idea what im doing with all my memories..mindfulness came up again and its not that i dont do it..ok no i dont do it ..hardly ever..sometimes it helps me calm down enough to sleep but thats kinda the only time i really remember to use it..my lack of staying present is bothering me a lot right now...sometimes i could swear im paying attention to whats going on around me..and then there are times when im doing something but im so not there at the same time..its really quote hard trying to explain that one..not that ive really tried but thinking about it makes me sound completely crazy..its like taking daydreaming to the max and then not remembering any of it..i know i wasnt paying attention to what i was doing but i wasnt paying attention to what i wasnt doing either..if im not in my head where in the heck am i going? it cant even be described as an outter body experience if im not going anywhere! im just not there anymore..weird i guess...but the problem comes up with why im not paying attention i guess..if im forgetting everyday stuf then im not paying attention to anything..andd not remembering stuff is one of those things that makes me really nervous..its really hard hearing yvonne talk about being little and i dont remember anything about when i was little...there arent really pictures of me little anywhere..one album im in and im not allowed to even touch it so its not like i would know anything in there anyway..im not feeling to happy at all right this minute..confused about all of this stuff..and now i am worried about how ill be able to handle anything for the next two weeks...i dont know what to do

woke up way to early...fell asleep way to early too..kinda off in a million directions right now..not sure what im doing and therefore not doing..i wanted to sleep in and instead i wake up before 6 and cant go back to sleep..doesnt help i was creeping myself out with half dreams i cant remember..today will be busy..lots of running around i think..dont really want to go to work because its ending soon..will feel completely lost anyway ive been gone so long.

thinking

today hmmtoday has turned out a lot better than expected...i got a 95 on my second process recording..my teacher took me to lunch and then paid for me..not planned but her class wwas cancelled and i was just looking to waste time in her office for a while..but it was really rather nice going out to lunch with her..she lelt me order anything i wanted! and i told her that her driving didnt scare me but being in her truck freaked me out because it forever looked like we were riding the curb and it scared the heck out of me...but it was fine i got back in one piece and didnt die although i told her she was going to give me a heart attack..i told her i would drive her truck next week!! no idea if we will go anywhere but it will be fun..i went and saw valerie and told her all my news and told her bye in a way..we talked about a lot of stuff that has happened..well some stuff that has happened and of course i told her i was scared about moving and starting over ..i think everyone is learning im scared of moving...well some people know..but everytime i try to talk about it some of it becomes a little easier to deal with..we talked about suicide and whatnot..of and how well my grades have gotten..on a semester to semester basis they are ok..overall they still suck majorly...but still it was good going to see her again..i told i couldnt just leave without dropping by.. but it was a good thing to do i think..found out i won a prize from the health fair i went to and have to go and pick up tomorrow..and my car is still starting for me..and i get to sleep in tomorrow morning..today has been a really good day..even though in class we talked about starting to terminate in our placements and that made me sad..dr. bunch got the days mixed up and i got scared like i think i stopped breathing scared because i thought field ended a day earlier than i was expecting! i had to look at my calendar and once she fixed the dates i was ok again. but just that moment left me ready to cry for no reason..an maybe that is adding on to my stress about everything..i keep saying i dont want to leave knowing i have too..i keep trying to hold off the inevitable and not let it happen..and the more i think about not wanting to leave the more i worry about actually leaving...im leaving everything..not just my placement..im house and ecu and even therapy..i couldnt take it slow like a normal person and do one thing at a time..nnnnnnnnoooooooooo i get it all taken away at once it seems like..all within a month and then im starting over..and it still scares me so much..ive written about it and written about it so much i should be able to handle it by now but i cant..it just feels more andd more like i cant handle it..i worry about what ill start doing when it all becomes to much...i want to think about moving and starting over in a good way but doing that brings up my lack of friends and how i dont want to drinking way to much again and going out..i had my fun with that and now its over..but with my schedule how will i have time to make friends or meet new people or anything outside of the people i work with...i just dont know..the more i play with dusti the more i dont want to have to leave her with someone else..i know she will be taken care of but its not me and it just wouldnt be the same..more and more i think of what im going to do with all my stuff and where im going to live and how things will work out..why does change have to be so hard and confusing and why cant i deal with any of it. it does not make me feel better knowing ill end therapy and wont be able to stay safe enough to stay out of therapy..i might be a lot of things but unfortunately i do happen to know myself enough to know if left alone to much i will quickly go back to being really suicidal..and the difference would be that now i dont have someone there checking on me..i wont have my teachers any more to just go an be with..ill really have to take care of myself and do things without anyone telling when i need to do something..ha ill be an adult a real one and im not really sure i like that idea...who would be dumb enough to trust me in the real world?! im a nutcase at times..

wondering

how is it that i h ave to try to be happy? i dont know why it is ive even been so sad lately..but you shouldnt have to try to be happy..it should just be there and for me its not..i have to work at it..and its not fair..made ot back to school..almost hit something because the car cut off while i was turning..but still made it back in one piece along with dusti..spent the afternoon and evening with yvonne..we went shopping and out to dinner..got dessert first and no real food...just dessert and appetizers..and we even went to toys r us and i got another life game because it was on sale an my other one is in pieces..we played three games and its barely past 9 and it feels so much later..im so tired..but i was ok until i got sleepy..i tried hard to be happy for yvonne cas she was sad allen went home..and i tried hard not to let to many other worries get in the way..i was close to my usual self i guess not quiet like i really want to be..but still its hard..knowing i really will have to move and start packing an all this stuff im trying hard not to think about ill have to think about ..cant find a way around it anymore and ill have to start soon just so it doesnt become to overwhelming..i got jumper cables too today just because i guess it makes me feel better having my own in the car just in case..when i got back tonight i did go and start the car jhust to make sure it started and it did..i waited until the lights went off to make sure they were staying on and draining the battery..dusti is really happy to be back in the apartment..funny i can tell that but she is..no idea even how to explain how i know this...because i spent time with yvonne today ill be up early tomorrow to go to campus and work on my paper and all that fun stuff..tomorrow night ill work on getting addresses put on announcements to get them in the mail on tuesday and go to the bank and therapy and then work..i even remindered to ask janet about it last week..not sure she remembers but i asked an im just going in a little late not missing a whole day so it will be ok. its not really a busy week but its one i dont want to let end..there really is no going back now..ill have to graduate and walk across the stage an start living in the real world..and i wont say i dont want to since im trying hard to be positive about all of it..im not completely against it anymore but im not thrilled about it either..no sense rushing on this stuff..it would creep me out to much if i did..talked to mommy a little while we were at dinner and she told me to have fun because i had been working all break and until she said it i didnt really notice ..but i did end up working all break..everyday was something else and i didnt really get a break..everyone expects something out of me and its more prominent at home..more so now with granny home..home health stuff is a waste of money big time but who am i to complain..maybe i just saw them on a off day but they did nothing! i did more than them and i had to do everything they were getting paid to do..waste of time really i guess..not looking forward to christmas break at all now cas mommy wont be there.. and ill be the one stuck with granny most likely..along with cooking and babysitting and suddenly there just doesnt seem to be enough hours in the day at all..things are really starting to crowd in on me it seems..not enough time to do anything..i keep meaning to ask mommy about my moving out of greenville..logic is just waiting until jan but packing everything before that..more logic is its a waste of money to pay rent on an apartment i wont be in anymore after dec..but then where will my stuff go? more time if i wait until jan but paying rent on two places is stupid...could rent a place for a month for less and bills would be better..but i dont know what to do..will have to think of something though..as always

not interesting

im tired..sleepy tired or sad tire i dont really know so ill just stick with being tired..uncle bernard came and got my car working last night..something is up with the battery and im seriously thinking of getting jumper cable thingies just to have since i really dont know whats making it screw up so bad..waiting for it to get a little bit lighter outside or the sum comes up at least before i head back to greenville...main thought here being my car will start so i can fo back to school..it just wasnt enough i have to keep worrying it will just turn off on me now i have to worry if it will even start..im gonna become a pro at jumping my car literally.. and its not that im unappreciative or anything because i know it was a lot of money getting the thing to work in the first place but i wish it would it stayed the way it was supposed to and i would have my other car and not this one..i want a new car..and i really dont even want to think about the one i hve now breaking down completely in the middle of nowhere when i have to move..i could seriously write a book on how to worry..but thats nothing new..

thinking about the week and 2 days i have left in field really does make me nervous and ive tried hard not to think about it much lately..no point in just getting nervous and scared and cant do anything about it..but i was bored last night sitting in the car and started looking at the calendar..the semester is over soon..field is over really soon an i still have to graduate...nope i really still findd no happiness what so e ver in thinking about graduation..instead i tell myself again an again not to go and end up doing something stupid...like tripping on stage..that would suck..no one will even show up except mommy i guess..henry said he wasnt coming and nia might be working or something..everyone is busy..me being the center of attention for long is almost unheard off..but that coul change i guess..i dont know..

still put off doing my paper but ive started it which is a good thing maybe...dont really want to finish it though..i dont want to look at it anymore but its due tomorrow and so it has to be done..class is going to be really really long tomorrow..most likley staying the whole 2 hours or more..then im not sure what im going to be doing with my time for the rest of the day...working again on tuesday but thats nothing incredibly interesting..im an incredibly boring person it seems...watching tv or being online isnt that much fun anymroe..maybe ill find something new to do or juts hangout on campus at the library since i havent really been there all semester..check out a book or something.. but i better get going..almost 7:30 and i really want to be gone by 9 if not earlier

things suck

once again my car refuses to start..im not sure when ill be going to back to school right this minute..im not even sure ill be going back with a freaking car the way its looking now..it wouldnt start on friday when i tried to leave and wayne jumped it for me using henrys car..no idea what mommy is going to do to get the car home..im stuck at dee's house for now..not that i mind since no one is here but its just inconvient...so much for extra freedom when you have a license..mommy is comng to get me when shes done doing her other stuff..if im still here when riley and harris get home im sure they will be thrilled to have me here to spend the night..but im trying to think ahead and there are things i have to do next week that im going to have to cancel on monday...i need a new car or at least a better one and thats not gonna happen..i dont have all this money to get it fixed ..and im not getting it from mommy when she just had to pay for henry to get his window fixed...things just really really suck right now

black friday

so i couldnt go shopping ...kinda sucks although i didnt know anything i really wanted since i didnt know all that was gonna be on sale but it would have been interesting..but all teh crowds do make me nervous..but staying and taking care of granny is not something i really wanted to do either..once again i was promised to help before i was even asked and then asked in a way that made it impossible to say no..oh well for me..i dont think ill be getting old..i dont want anyone taking care of me..so i have figure out how to give granny a bath and that is just creepy..

yesterday was ok i guess..henry was stupid and ended up breaking one of the windows in his car and barely got in trouble for it..i would have been banned from every driviing again if i had done that..but its supposed to getting fixed before he leaves to go back to school and ill prolly end up going back to school without the money im owed..stupid stupid me..not a lot of people came by..found dusti hiding in my closet and then proceeded to pull her out and block my closet so she couldnt get back in there..she was playing down stairs last night after i fell asleep the first time and when i woke up henry told me she was running all over the place downstairs..so i kept her in my room last night and when i got up this morning i left my door open..and she was downstairs looking around earlier considering i was up since 6..not like i really wanted to sleep or anything after mommy woke me up and reminded me to check on granny at 6 anyway and once im up and it kinda sucked being up so early..so i just got online and wasted time for a while..

gotta get addresses for annoucements before i leave..im expecting a call about going to babysit sometime today..gotta clean up im expecting too..once again at a loss about what is bothering me so much..tired and dont want to think about it anymore

thanksgiving

ive been once again lacking in paying attention to what i start..i planned on writing but then started doing other stuff because i couldnt figure out what i wanted to write..i still dont really know..its thanksgiving and i should be thankful for something but im coming up blank right this minute...made it home yesterday but had to drive through flooded roads and it was really scary..especially with the car cutting off on me..so freaky but i did make it home and that was good...i guess itsa good thing getting more comfortable with driving and im starting to think of the car as being mine in all its screwyness..dusti disappeared on me yesterday nad i knew with so many ppl in the house she would freak and hide but i couldnt find her at all.and last night she finally turned up and i know shes ok..and i can stop worrying..baked a million things yesterday and didnt help with any of the cooking stuff..its not fair im expected to help so much and no one else has to do anything..im trying not to be incredibly loud since ive been up for line an hour and a half and not offered to help with the cooking...i know if she finds out im awake ill have to start helping and it sucks i have to hide out..but anyway not a big deal..felt guilty for not helping anyway..and i know ill have to help today so ill get over it...everyone is home..nia is back for a few days..and henry from school and wayne from work..the ramps still weird me out for granny but ok..even comeshia came from school to visit and stay for a few days..sissy and her boys will be here later and then the random people dropping by to visit granny..thats what i dont like about the holidays..to many uninvited people dropping by...still im hoping to work the weekend and make some extra money and i want to go to the movies too..i wonder if we will go tonight? prolly not but its a nice hope...the weather has cleared up some at least and its not raining or windy anymore but it actually looks like fall now..i like fall, i think i might make it my favorite season..fall and winter i like way more than spring and summer..but since im running out of anything interesting at all to talk about i guess im done for the morning..

tired

i know i have to start heading home within the next two hours..and all morning since my alarm went off and i didnt get out of bed i keep asking myself who im rushing for..it makes no since making myself rush to get home when the weather is so crappy..and its just stupid..so ill get there when i get there and start cooking as soon as i get there to make up lost time..still tired though so im not really feeling like moving anyway..did pack some clothes and things that night so all i really have to do is get dusti and her stuff together and the groceries i picked up to go home with and go home..doesnt sound incredibly thrilling at all but its thanksgiving and so ill have to make the best of it...mommy said its raining there and the roads are flooding and my nervous factors went way way up...ill just have to keep reminding myself to be careful and go slow..k im off to check the rest of my emails and them ill actually get out of bed.

holiday starts

its officially thanksgiving break now.... im so glad..just the time off of work and out of class is nice...still gotta work on my paper and drive home tomorrow and spend tomorrow baking and cooking...mommy keeps adding on stuff for me to make..im up to 3 cakes and 2 pies..and im not even sure how to make an apple pie completely..i did it last year but ive forgotten what i put in it and everything..guess ill be making it up as i go along..not sure yet what i have to help cook but it will prolly be the usual stuff..im bringing some of my food home to fix for myself..not completely thrilled about going home still..but oh well ill get over it..hurts putting anything on my shoulders so ill have to be careful..was planning on leaving at 6 but mommy wants me to pick her up soemthing so im not leaving until 7ish..once my random tired spell passes maybe ill get up and finish packing..maybe ill get up and start packing..was going to do laundry but for some reason the lock has been changed and i couldnt get in..so no laundry and i have to take it home...didnt want to do that but if i want it to get done i dont really have much of a choice...maybe ill get to do it eventually..i dont want mommy doing my laundry...

ming is visiting and sleeping on my legs for now..shes cold and im cold so i guess it works out..surprised the heck out of me when i came home yesterday and she came running out the door...dustis look of terror was priceless..she wasnt thrilled that the puppy was back and made it a point of not coming out of my room much..she mostly just did the sneaky attacks while the puppy was underneath the sleeping bag last night and dusti just kept walking around where the puppy was sleeping but not really jumping on her completely..just still i was incredibly used to the quietness of just having dusti in the house..i think shes a little jealous too..

busy day at work..the phones ringing so much really made me want to cry i was freaking out so much..its short they kept going off..both of them..as soon i picked one up the other one started ringing..and i was in the office by myself trying to do other stuff and it just freaked me out..i stopped picking them up and stopped doing actual work stuff for a little while until i calmed down...all day i was preoccupied with thinking about other stuff..the weather being so crummy was the first thing on my mind since i have to drive home tomorrow and im really really hoping nothing is flooded on the way home..i kept seeing the flash flood warnings and got worried..i went to get gas tonight so i wouldnt have to do it tomorrow and the first gas station i went to was out of gas..never thought that would happen but it did...

not in a really happy mood right now at all..to much stuff to think about..maybe im just tired

stupid

now that im freaking out over my tv show i guess ive calmed down enough to write again..

guess it wouldnt take much to figure out im off tonight..not happy at all anymore..i just want to scream or something..but since thats just not gonna happen ill just rant and rave in my head and never have to worry about anyone hearing me..why cant things ever stay ok and just be good and leave me alone..after weeks of worrying and stressing and everything..i was finally feeling okay about everything even just for a little while was better than nothing..and i thought things would be ok and i dont know everything would just magically stay perfect..stupid mark number one for me..i talked to mommy today and reminded her that she promised to pay back the money she owed me so that i would be ok to pay the next months bills...of course i then find out that it might be happening like it was promised..what the heck am i supposed to do about money for bills..money for food..money for anything ..all because i gave her money i needed..and i gave it to her cas she said she would pay me back..she was suppsoed to pay me back..and im left being the stupid one...im left stuck without money because i was nice and didnt say no..im the freakin stupid one.. i knew better..i knew better and once again i did what i didnt want to do..and now i dont know what to do..younger brother needs money for school and he will come before me..darnit its because of me she is going on a trip for christmas..i paid for that plane ticket..i did it me..and i didnt ask for anything!! nothing .. im a stupid push over..im a slacker and a wimp and deserve all of this mixed up mess with no idea out of it..i dont want to go home on wed..i dont want to see her or be around her..but i have to go..if i dont babysit i wont be able to pay for anything at all..and even then ill have to go home everyweekend just to some how make ends meet...just feeling so stupid and worthless..ive done everything im supposed to do and i still get screwed over

im going to bed before i do anything stupid

i knew itt..i knew i couldnt count on her to give me back the money i let her borrow..i dont have all the money for bills and iwas counting on her saying she would give it b ack to me for dec and jan bills..after all of it and e verything she swore she would do..none of it will happen..and im stuck without all the money ill need for bills and no real way of getting it unless i want to keep going back and forth home to babysit and even thats not completely certain..yea ill be able to do it over thanksgiving but the weekends after that what will happen?! stupid stupid stupid me...it sucks so much..and she says dont worry..she owes me money and then she needs money for henrys school junk and i just want to say forget about it because i know henry will get his first and ill be left waiting ...so once again im left stuck with no clear way out...trying hard not to cut..trying hard not to cry either..all of it is stupid

so it starts....

announcements came in the mail today...

so it seems graduation will be going on whether i want it to or not




might as well get used to the idea...and i will..



in a few days

realistic

maybe i am looking at things from the wrong point of view..i have been spending a lot of energy worrying and being nervous about what is going to happen when i guess i dont really know what is going to happen..all i know is that i have a job that starts jan 2..that is not going to be changing at all and maybe i need to stop working so hard to figure out a way to make it change...moving can and will be a hassle..looking at everything i have in my room lets me know that..but moving is also the chance at getting away i want so much..i can be whoever i want to be..given eventually i will have to make my way back to therapy just to make sure i dont kill myself but overall im not suicidal all the time and working and being the real world i really will be able to do what i want to..be who i want..within limits cas im not about to go and decide i want to go sky diving or something..small steps right?! maybe making plans on what i have to do will help with lessening the overwhelming feelings..i dont know but its worth giving it a try...not like driving myself up the wall has made things better!!..like shopping for new stuff was fun this weekend..knowing ill be getting my own place and being on my own completely does have some levels of excitment...still its really scary though..but maybe knowing it wont go away until it happens means ive just got to deal with it and work on getting around it without ignoring it..yes ignoring it just keeps it in my head all the time...so yea maybe i need to finid a new way of looking at things

see i do listen in therapy

had therapy twice today .. im tired ..well once was actually with my doc and then i went and saw my teacher who is a therapist and who has known me since i started in the program and was the first who found out about the s/i..and still talks to me..we are going out for ice cream in a couple weeks!! dr bass who i saw in the hall way told me i need to come and talk to her about moving..my teachers are happy for me..mommy is even ok with my going away..so why cant i be comfortable with it?! better yet why cant i allow myself to be comfortable with it

starting to get a fuzzy head...time to eat considering i havent had anything but pretzels so far today and that was early tis morning and then got sick anyway i was so nervous lol..i knew better than eating and did anyway since its always the same thing..before the appt i freak and am nervous and slighty sick..afterwards im fine..im just weird like that..but i do have some stuff to finish in the lab and then i can go and grab some dinner and head home for the day.

completely stupid

so i was cooking dinner and not paying attention and burned the heck outta my stomach..and i really should have paid more attention to what i was doing and better than that i should have had on a full tshirt..not that i make it a point to walk around half dressed most of the time but i didnt put anything else on because of my shoulders hurting and i need to clean them and what not that i havent done yet..but now i have a random burn to add to the collection..although they do clear up fairly well but it takes forever.. not really concentrating much right now..keep thinking of everything i need to do tomorrow and how im gonna get it done..finding out its gonna be raining doesnt help either..gotta finish cleaning up and everything...seriously distracted right now and i keep thinking i really need to be doing all this stuff when none of it is life threatening or anything..i think ill just go and finish what i have to do before i drive myself crazy

disappointed

i was disappointed that i cut today..now i dont know....just kinda sad and good point i know im not dead cas it hurts...i dont know ..doing it on my shoulders wasnt the best plan ive had...i just talked to mommy and she asked if it was ok for wayne to keep my tv..considering he already has it i dont know why she asked..not like anyone really wanted to know what i thought about it anyway..i didnt give myself any time at all to even calm down or think about it..was just stupid...

its been a dull day..cleaned some..painted some...not sure what im gonna do with the big one just yet..annoyed with how realistic im being about everything.. not really feeling like writing

worried

i really dont think relaxing is in my personal dictionary or something..ive been thinking of a million things and im just really bored right now..im gonna have to stop going to bed early but i am about to go to bed..i looked up apartments in asheville tonight and started worrying about if im making the right decisons about moving so far away..even if i really want to go back maybe i shouldnt..maybe i should stay here and not have to worry about moving..but that would be taking the easy way out..its not fair ..i do want to leave but maybe all the moving is becoming a bit overwhelming and worrying about what to do with dusti..doesnt really matter if i leave her with yvonne or mommy cas ill end up still paying for all of her stuff she just wont be with me..i really want to ask linda if i can keep her in the swamp and since she is so scared of other people i know she wont get out..but that would be a last option..the pet fees are so expensive too..and i know its better to just take that out of the picture for now if i can leave her here but i worry all the same...i worry about changing states...i dont know what im doing...being completely realistic about all of it i know ill have to leave dusti here if i want to keep her..i know ill have to stop therapy too..i could drive back but i dont trust my car enough to do it..maybe if it gets worked on over christmas it will be ok but for now i have to start thinking about stopping therapy after new years..i have to start packing and figure out what im really taking with me...i cant take all of it but i need to find out if ill have to put all of it in storage until i do find a place..and then comes the task of figuring out where i want it to go..more sense taking it to rocky point but its a pain in the butt moving it from here to there when there are prolly storage places in greenville i could use...im thinking im making a lot of stupid choices and thats why i shouldnt be trusted to decide on anything..i dont know the firist thing about looking for a doc..i dont want to have to look for one and not having insurance really puts a stop to most of it..i know all the mental health stuff changed in nc but i dont know what its like in other states...will i have to get a new license and plates and things for living in sc? but if im back and forth into nc anyway maybe i wont have too right now...i dont know what im going to do about any of it

wow

i actually did everything i had planned for today going out wise..i went to bath and body works and linens and things..picked up a few things for the new place i dont have yet..went to the movies and saw flushed away..it was ok and funny but not one ill buy when it comes out..picked up dinner and now im home again and tired ..it was nice just getting out..its nice being more comfortable driving..im not sure about the parking but everything else was fine..nice getting out and not being stuck in the house..its like ok you have a car so how about using it!! tomorrow i just need to go and get gas and thats about all i need to do..dont want to go shopping or anything because i really dont need to spend anymore money..so gas is all and i can do that early in the morning..gotta do some work on my reflection ..and im glad i got it started at least..its almost 10 pages but i think ill have to cut a lot of it out..and im not even finished yet..ugh..sometimes its annoying how much i can write..but ill work on that..its not even a big deal if i dont let janet read it as long as i let someone read it before i turn it in..i think ill still give her a copy though if she wants one...its n ice lounging around wearing shorts without worying about it..dusti is the only other one here with me and im sure she doesnt care what i wear..tshirts and shorts..guess i have to take the oppurtunities i get cas it wont last..quinn emailed me and let me know shes living in asheville now and that she needs a roommate and for a little while i did consider it..im still considering it but i dont think i want another roommate..i just want to live by myself and figure out if i can...might change but for now i just want to be by myself..it was nice offer though..no idea why anyone would want to live with me but oh well...i think ill just chill out for the rest of the day..no stress or anything..give myself a break or try to at least..i know im still a not incredibly happy but im not incredibly sad either just somewhere near the middle of both..so give myself a break..easier said than done but maybe it helps im feeling so tired

ramble

since i cant sleep i might as well write...not feeling to good right now..kinda sickish but not really..guessing ill feel better in the morning though..hope i do anyway..its getting cold..welp it is cold and has been all day and the wather station says its supposed to be staying cold for a few days...i hope it does since im kinda tire d of it being so hot in november..its supposed to be snow weather but if not snow ill have to settle for the temps dropping...i kinda want coffee in all its grossness..i dont really know what im feeling right now..kinda out of it mostly sad..on the edges of falling asleep and just havent yet..maybe ill bore myself and think of math problems..nah thats torture..i could try to calm my thoughts down a little and actually see if it helps..i still remember the mindfulness stuff..dont use it as often anymore only when im really going on my thoughts are on a caf high that i eve nconsder doing it..tonight its not going to fast just kinda i dont know..im thinking i need to stop trying to analyze whats left of my head..my brain might fall out or something..already im thinking of ways to get out of going home..not that it really matters considering when i stopped by last time there was all this junk stuck in my room..cant even get in there anymore really..where in the heck am i going to be sleeping?? how is it that of all 4 rooms upstairs she picks mine to store junk in..and the fact that everyone keeps taking my stuff doesnt make me happy either...im pretty sure wayne took my tv since i couldnt find last time..after i told him to put it back when he moved my tv and put another in my room..its not fair..if i had done it i would have been in loads of trouble..and for some reason it juts doesnt matter that everyone can move my stuff around and no one gets in trouble...why should it matter i guess..im not the important one and im not doing anything worth mentioning..im not really holding my breath for anyone to show up to my graduation except mommy..everyone prolly already has plans..i forgot to order announcement things earlier and so it will be my fault if no one shows up anyway..what difference would it make anyway..im depressing..i need a new hobby..i need to pay more attention to which letters im typing and spell more words right..im really quickly heading into a mean mood..i think it would be easier being someone else..pretending to be someone else..i wish often enough but i dont have anyone i want to be..ill settle for someone who just isnt me..if i could trade any one of my traits for something else which would i choice to give up? lack of talking is the first thing that comes to mind..thats a stupid question. i cant trade anything so no point in pretending..i dont know what i want..not sure if i ever did..sleep seems to be the only escape..ok second..thought of cutting first but im tired and dont want to bother looking for the handy razors ive been carrying around all week..i suck horribly right now because if i fall asleep obsessing about cutting ill wake up still thinking about it...i thought about it this morning because every little thing is bothering me and i cant keep a normal mood to save my life..its just constantly back and forth..happy and sad..ok and sad since im not really sure im ever completely happy..im just ok..and right now im not ok ..bed it is...im a boring person and whose fault is it that i am? this one really is my fault..its not anyone elses..so much for taking responsibilty and i pick the stupidest times to start remembering why it is im supposed to take responsibilty..for some reason im really thinking im screwing up this whole thing and not making much sense at all..bed it is before i give myself a worse headache

nothing

sometimes i think if i scream loud enough ill be noticed..if i scream at all i might be noticed.. i dont know..maybe i like not being noticed more..prolly not if i brought it up in the first place...feeling a little fuzzy right now..my fault for b/p..wasnt even planning on doing it...work was a fairly easy today..not much to do and it was fun having cindy back i n the office today..i will really miss the two of them when im not there anymore..the nurses were talking about going away gifts today..its really sad knowing ill be leaving..i dont want to leave and for some reason i had myself thinking everything would be perfect and i wouldnt have to leave..i could stay and keep things the way they were and nothing would have to change..im gonna go out on a limb here and say im not a big fan of changes either..im not a big fan of most stuff so it seems...but its really only a week and 3 days left..a bit closer to 4 weeks to graduation..its not looking fun or exciting at all..its scaring the heck out of me..why cant things change one at a time and not be grouped together..if i would look at it correctly i would notice there are weeks inbetween all of them but i keep doing the big picture thing and they all end up bunched together...everytime i think about it i want to cry but i dont.. i make myself think about other stuff instead but the other stuff doesnt really go away anyway if ive been stressing about it for like months...i dont know..not graduating isnt an option..and moving isnt an option anymore if i want to go back to taliworld..but im starting to doubt all of my choices..maybe there wrong ones to make and maybe i should make different ones...i dont know..i worked on my self reflection today and got incredibly sad when i started writing about the teachers that have influenced me.cas i do have two but talking about dr bass and prof dunn makes me remember the meeting i had to go to and how i never ever want to have to do that again..i was scared to death that day and the weekend before..and so upset with the two of them..but still its all over and done with and ive stuck with the contract thing for the most part..it still bothers me about the suicide part of it and i dont tell them anyway..i dont tell anyone so its not like they are being left out but i would really rather my teachers did not know i was suicidal ...way to weird and i jsut dont want them to know..i dont want anyone knowing really...and since its been a while since cutting my wrist im not incredibly worried at the moment..im still working on getting out both saturday and sunday so that maybe i wont end up feeling so alone..since i did b/p today im guessing i really dont need to be alone but since i am ill do something each day to get out of the house just for a little while..so tomorrow im talking myself into going to the movies..i really want to see flushed away since im waiting to see happy feet with riley and harris..i keep trying to talk myself out of it but i keep reminding myself that i really want to see it..so ill see how it goes tomorrow and i really do hope i let myself go...i finally figured out what it is that creeps me out so much at the hospital and its not the doctors like i thought it was..im fine with the doctors and residents..i dont mind them and the ones im used to i love talking to and being around..its the psychologist that creep me out..and im only around them a couple times a week at the least and i just always get so nervous and scared..i swear they are going to look at me and swear im crazy and that i have no need to be anywhere but im the hospital..i wear my sweatshirt all the time and not to cover my arms but because im so cold all the time.but as a second fact it is to cover my arms..and its not a secret that i walk around the hospital freezing and im truly cold there..i think im the only one feeling the air but its cold..and now that ive noticed its the psych ppl that creep me out i try hard not to be around them much but they are always so nice for the most part and that makes it worse..i know they really have no interest in me and they arent going to be working with me on a reg basis and it shouldnt matter so much but it does..

talked to nia last night and she said the doc she talked to yesterday was a jerk and that she wasnt suicidal..what a pair we have turned out to be..im taking her word for it that shes okay and ill be home next week and we will hang out or something then..still its hard not being home and getting a call like that...im worried ...im not feeling big on the liking myself these past few days..i stand in the mirror and tell myself that i hate you just incase i start to forget...more and more things are starting to bother me and get on my nerves and im feeling anxious without really knowing why..i was thinking of s/i'ing this morning..just to calm down and get a grip on things..im trying hard not too..binged instead but didnt do anything that hurt..how i do this weekend im trying not to think about..planning for tomorrow is enough...and even that plan has changed and changed and changed again.. i get so nervous because i cant park to save my life..on a good day i can make it in the space..more often than not i end up on the line and not fully in the parking space..its so nerve wrecking and i know it shoudlnt be a big deal but it is..like i have to prove im an ok driver..although a bit catious im ok..and since my car randomly cuts off on me anyway i really have to be paying attention to things..

went to bed at like 8 last night..slept all night too considering i had to be up at 6 and proly would have slept for longer than that if i could have..sleeping worked last night for keeping me from doing anything but i cant sleep 10 hours at a time either..i would really miss like most of my day..and i thought my sleeping was getting back to normal..but last night i wasnt really feeling good either..the weather is being stupid but at least its cold again

i hate you

not good

things just dont ever stay on an even level or whatever..i got a call today from a docs office in wilmington..saying it was an emergency and i of course freak out wondering what ive done or didnt do and i call the guy back and its not even about me..its about nia..im on her safety plan..shes suicidal and put me on her safety plan..i can barely keep myself alive and in working order and now this..she was in the hospital twice already..and since im two hours away its hard finding out how shes really doing by just the occasional talk on the phone or online..now im worried..i wont even be going home until next week..i called her and left her a message and im wiating for her to call me back..its hard, knowing shes having a hard time but im glad shes aleast getting help when she needs it..we are all so screwed up..it sucks..all of it sucks

yvonne has gone home again..another weekend by myself..barely seen her all week and now shes gone again..

its turned into a sucky day

hmm

guessing my sleeping patterns are evening themselves out again..since its 10 and im up because im not really sleepy..im still going to bed since i am up in the morning so early but its good not feeling so tired at like 8 anymore..went to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for tomorrows meetings and that was ok..i dont mind driving at night..

i dont know why i keep messing with my fingers considering they are hurting so much..i keep picking at my fingers and i keep picking at my face..knowing im going home next weekend..i really am being incredibly stupid right now..i know better and i know mommy will be so mad at me for picking at my face so much again..i didnt cut last night though..just went to bed and slept for like 9 or so hours..didnt want to go to work this morning..considering calling in sick but one of my little girls went home and i had to say bye to her so i went..it was ok i guess..the usual work day..busy ..really busy..i did work on my reflection paper some because i really do want janet to read it and tell me what she things about it before i turn it in...i think i might be saying to much non important stuff and i might have to go back and just take it out..my papers with lose guidelines that are a reflection type thing can be so long! i guess i need to email the teacher and find out if there is a page limit..im trying to be honest but leaving out all the nosey teacher contract junk and therapy and all that fun crazy stuff i just happen to do..and then make it as honest as possible..im not lying im just leaving out parts of the truth which i guess is still lying..but at least i got it started before its due..i just really want this to be a good paper..havent decided if i want arran to read it yet..maybe ill give it to her to keep..im a little sick of reflection and awareness and all the junk they make you think about in the program..not that i havent done it but ive just done it so much im tired of it..besides my usual non happy feeling im not sure whats going on with me today..oh i was with one of the docs in clinic and he said that one of the things he learned in pysch is that if you go in a room with a patient and come out depressed then they were depressed..if there manic you come out manic..etc etc and so forth ..but we had been in a room with a really confusing person and i didnt realize i was so confused until the doc brought this up..and then it was like wow lightbulb in my head..i was listening to what the doc was talking about with the patient but i just couldnt follow where the patient was goin with things..and it really was confusing..but we got it worked out and it im glad it did turn out ok for everyone...

i was playing with the lighter thats been laying on the floor for like three days now earlier...fun watching the flame move..lighting it gets dustis attention but i turn it back off before she gets to interested and trys to see what it is and burn her nose..cleaned and remessed up the kitchen in like a day..i cant stop being sad i dont think..and now im wondering if im making other people depressed..im just being confusing

lost

all day long ive been thinking of everything i wanted to write about when i got home and now that im home i cant put anything into perspective anymore..ive had this page open for almost two hours and im just starting to write because i cant put it off any longer..im worried ill keep getting sadder and sadder and cut..ive forgotten what the pain feels like and im starting to really want it..not particularly cutting pain but just pain in general..feeling a bit dead and nonexsistant with everything..i dont know..to many things running through my head making me wonder what exactly it is im trying to do because i really dont know..its funny how some people have there whole lives planned out and i can barely plan a day at a time..i dont plan a day even, i just know what i have to do and do it..tackle things as they come up..i feel so disorganized all the time..everything is messed up to me but im so organized and pulled together to everyone else..i really wish sometimes that i could kill that image of myself but its so annoying..i cant break down because everyone thinks i have this perfect life and i can handle anything without thinking twice about it..no one would last a day in my head..i dont think it would be possible for anyone but me to stay in my head and even i get sick of myself on a daily basis..i was thinking today that maybe im not crazy enough to need help..maybe i should be doing things by myself because i can push all this junk away and get through everyday stuff with some sort of normalcy...im so jealous of people who do know there own stories..some of them i read but most of them i skip and have no intention of reading becasue its not fair that they know their life and i dont know mine..then im just stupid and guilty for being jealous in the first place...i dont want there life but i dont want mine either..maybe i deserve all of it and deserve to suffer big time just for the heck of it.. weird how much ive come to depend on this blog to get things sorted out..no matter how stupid or trival i might think something is i can still come here and just write it all down without worrying if ill be in trouble or called stupid..not counting what i say to myself about what i write...why is it that i see no problem at all with wishing i would die or making myself hurt just because i can get away with it and no one else gets hurt ..why is it that i cant see myself ever being truly truly happy and at peace with the world ...even though it seems like things are coming together for me..im graduating and have a job..ill be moving and in a way starting over some place else..anyone in there right mind would be happy with the way things are going but im not..not really..im way to scared..i keep looking for approval from other people to let me know if i can be happy even just for a little while..i told the other case workers today that i had a job and was getting ready to graduate and they said they were proud of me and that it was good ..and for a little while i was proud too..it was ok to be proud if it comes from someone else..its completely wrong if it just comes from me and it comes without any real reason..ive had a headache for the past few days..really bad today but i didnt ask to leave early even though i wanted too..i didnt take anything for it either until i got home and at times i just wanted to stop moving and cry my head hurt so much..and i dont know why it wont go a way..i took excedrin when i got home and it did help..still not feeling great overall..maybe im getting the flu or something and that would suck since i cant go to the hospital if im really sick..and with the semester pretty much over i cant start missing a million days..just my luck i will be sick..im just annoying accurate in the worst ways..i found out last week that i have to do a reflection paper..indepth and all that good stuff in the next couple weeks...since its due after thanksgiving and i keep trying to think of things that i want to write about and im not coming up with anything good..since its a self reflection i dont think it will be incredibly hard because writing is not a skill im lacking in if you could not count grammar..but the paper im not worried about i just cant think of anything to write..i dont really want to write a reflection of anything..im sick of reflections..i spend most of my days reflecting about something..just another way to analyze everything i try hard not to think about ..reflecting is not the problem..i reflect fine its harding it over thats the hard part..talking falls into that category too..im fine with writing most of the time even if it is a disorganized mess..jumbled up half thoughts that dont really make sense and the million and a half miss spelled words but its still my writing and whats in my head..and even if i never ever look at it again it will still be mine...maybe i should stop writing...never write another word again in my life about myself..stop digging myself into this huge hole of things ill never say but think about all the time..if i write it then obviously ive thought about it..and since i write about pretty much the same few things all the time ive given them a lot of thought..once its in writing its as good as said anyway..but its not like im lying i just picked to ignore what i write the same way ignore whats in my head...its not fair that i have to hate myself...im feeling really childish right this minute..i want to be mad but i have nothing to be mad at..i want to cry or scream or hit something but i just cant...and im considering just going to bed to escape everything right now...ive picked my fingers apart in the past couple days...dont know whats making me so nervous but the skin around most of my fingernails ive picked off..one started bleeding today in clinic when i was just sitting there picking and picking at it..completely intent on getting it off and i did and it completely started bleeding not alot but it makes me nervous knowing my hands are looking so horrible right now...they get infected so easily too...maybe i should put peroxide or something on them..bandaids are out because well i dont have any and because having bandaids on ilke 7 fingers might raise a few eyebrows..its hard not letting them get infected since im forever putting my hands in something ..but somehow it still hapens and for a couple days its hurts doing anything but i manage..tell myself im not complaining and it will be ok..sometimes i think the sadness will eat me alive..hiding seems like a good idea..going away..disappearing..all for the same reason..worried about disappointing people when truly im not sure any cares what i do or dont do as long as im not doing anything illegal..it cant be that hard to go away..i do it all the time without really doing it..no idea why things are suddenly looking incredibly dark and empty..empty and dark..maybe its just feeling alone i dont know..hard feeling like there is no where i really fit in...im not happy enough to fit in anywhere and if i get any sadder i might as well be dead..i could just fake the heck out of it..i do fake but since i spend so much time by myself i guess it doesnt matter..i want to go to bed for a lack of anythign else to do but im not sure i want to sleep..dreaming is bordering on being really creepy once again..and me and staying awake doesnt go together at all..i suck at not sleeping and i suck at sleeping..its been a while since ive done a 12 hour sleep..and im starting to drift off a lot guess im done with wahtever it is i was writing about for the day..

i think im bipolar today


up and down up and down

equally bored with all of it

antsy antsy antsy

im sleepy

fun with dusti

:) dusti is my bestest non human friend ever ! and we get along so well because we are both easily entertained!

if i wasnt breathing im not sure id be noticed at all..


yea i guess thats pretty much all i wanted to say..

all day long i run calories through my head..i know than i thought i did..imaginary menus, what i can have and what i cant have..i look at all the stuff in the cabinets and dont want any of it..i already know how low i can let my cals get for the day before i get dizzy..i was dizzy last week from not eating and ended up eating anyway...i know staying under 1000 is possible if i want it..i can stay under 500 if i want to suffer..under that isnt really cool for me and my spaciness goes to a whole new level..but 500 to 1000 is good..today wasnt a good day eating wise..tomorrow will be better i guess..tomorrow ill be busy at least

insert some wasted time here..sidetracked watching a movie and looking around online since i wasnt really sure what i wanted to write..but movies over now and i still have an hour before heroes starts..

not sure what im going to do..i should go and clean up while i have some free time..not counting that most of my day was full of free time i just didnt do anything..im a slacker and should be killed..

what is it that makes a person really try to kill themselves..i dont know..i dont remember really what i was thinking about the last time i was really suicidal like beyond caring what anyone had to say suicidal..hmm its been a while..and playing with a lighter is prolly not cool right this minute..what happens when you blame the wrong person for stuff that happens? maybe there really is no one to blame. i know i blame myself for stuff thats not a huge secret or anything but if i know im blaming the wrong person then how come i cant stop doing it? sure its easy and occasionally entertaining in the worst way but its still wrong i think..maybe im just completely used to the idea that im the one wrong and im the one that has to be punished for stuff..and whether i did it or not is not the real question..im scared of how different things to will be really soon..what would happen if i called linda and told her i changed my mind about the job and didnt take it so i could stay in greenville..everyone would be mad at me or disappointed and wonder why in the heck i was stupid enough to say no to a job..what if i get there and dont like it or suck horribly at it.. and insert some more wasted time playing with dusti

and i give up on writing tonight..its taking forever and im jumping around big time

i dont know

im feeling rather numb right now..prolly cas im so cold but its a little more than that..im sick of my head and the fact that there is always something going on with me thinking about something..stressing about work this week and im trying hard not to because ill be off for most of next week..i keep telling myself im gonna be the model intern and do everything right and not mess anything up..in a perfect world that might even be possible but this is me and im always screwing something up..had a scary dream last night..and i was so watching all of it happen and then i woke up and tried to remember what happened and all of it was gone for the most part..all i remmeber was a little girl shooting herself in the chest and im not even sure about that..i know as i was waking up she was dying but what made it get to that im not exactly sure of..i watched her walking away from me and i was looking at all the brusies on her back wondering how they got there and the next thing i remember is her being shot and dying..hard to piece it together when i forgot so much so fast..but anyway it was a little unsettling..im laying here looking at all the junk ive pulled out and need to put away and i just want to sleep instead..i dont want to do anything and disappearing comes to mind but i dont even really want to do that either...i did get new razors the other day and it was really upsetting that i cant find the ones i like anymore..i have the single edge ones now and i dont really like them but for now they are just hanging out in my bag..no real plan to use them but i want them with me again..ran errands today and got to the bank and went to michaels for art stuff..spent way to much money on it but i got what i wanted and then some..couple canvas's that ill spend a few days looking at..i keep wanting to paint but i worry because of the last one i did..i really want to go and take a bath for no real reason except that incredibly hot water is relaxes me like few thigns can..went to the grocery store today..finally got a real trip in and stocked up on afew things..considering i really waste so much money on groceries i dont eat..i have stuff in the cabinets that i forget i have and still have no intention of eating but i just have it incase..im going to leave my wallet at home just so i cant go to the grocery store or any store anytime i want too..i was really good and didnt buy a lot of junk food..back to the gross yogurt again..interestingly enough ive been wanting yogurt so it wont be so bad..and i still dont like reg yogurt and i got granola to put in it again..i just dont know why i dont like the texture of yogurt and pudding and stuff but i cant eat it..its not thats its not good or anything but i dont like it..and it really might just be because its so soft..im fine with yogurt with granola in it because its not soft anymore..hmm im zoning out a lot today..car cut off on me once today with yvonne in the car..i was worried it would do it again but it didnt and that was good...class today was actually pretty informative and i found out that out of both classes there are only 4 of us with a job for after graduation right now.. same old usual issues floating around in my head..more bad than good stuff.still worried about what i might or might not do..mostly not sleeping right now because i have to stay awake to watch heroes tonight..i think i might go and cook something just to be busy for a little while..just incredibly confused about everything right now

..

im just really sad right now..more than just sad but i dont want to think about it anymore...i dont even know what started it this time

i suck

i hate wondering

i went to see santa clause 3 today with harris and ann mcbride...it was a good movie and i liked it..i love christmas stuff before its actually christmas..but it was cool..and had my fun in the grocery store this morning for dee..listened to her ask me again and again why i want to go to asheville and how come i cant just be a nanny..well duh i didnt go to school to be a nanny..fun yes and sure it has its perks but as a full time job no..so anyway im guessing thats just one of those never ending battles with her and im sure i wont be hearing the end of it anytime soon...riley and harris are not allowed to go and se ehappy feet without me..if they go or not doesnt really matter but i know ill take them when i come back for thanksgiving..not a big deal but i really want to see it...talked to mommy this morning and when i told her i would be home this evening sometime she told me there was something she wanted to talk to me about..and its just so stupid because now ive spent all day wondering and worrying about what ive done and if im in trouble and what in the heck she wants to talk to me about..since im broke it cant be about money..but all day everything that ive worried..and now i have to go home and figure out what is going on

thinking..worrying.whatever

so im thinking i still need a new hobby just to keep myself distracted from everything i think about...i have told people that i have a job and ill be moving and overall everyone is really happy for me..only one or two who actually asked if i was sure i was doing the right thing and if i really wanted to be so far away..but oh well for them..its not like i didnt look for a job closer to greenville because i did and it was a pain..this job really does work out and maybe i need to go and just see how it is, its not like i have to stay if i dont like it but ill be there until may if i like it or not.ill be back in june for the camp and then in aug if i need to make changes i will...but thats farther down the line of things i need to think about...lately the most pressing issues are not knowing what is going to happen and how hard it is finding an apartment and if ill be able to take dusti with me and then of course what im going to do about therapy..the dusti and therapy things are constantly going around in my head because i cant figure out a way to make them work..i dont want dusti to become a burden on anyone and she is mine and i dont know what i would do without but im not sure its far to keep her and only see her a few days a week..less over the summer..but giving her away isnt an option..i dont want to ask mommy to take her again because yea she was fine and safe and taken care of but its not the same as her being with me..its just different leaving her with someone else for huge amounts of time...i cant ask yvonne to take her when now yvonne will be loking at moving too..so dusti goes with me is what it comes down to and so that brings up another issue..finding apartments that accepts pets isnt the hard part..ive checked places online..im starting to narrow down price ranges and all that good s tuff..but good grief the pet fees are killer..i know so pets seriosuly screw up apartments but not all of them! $300 for a one time fee for a cat i just dont see the point of..still i know if i want dusti i have to decide how much i can and cant pay overall..and if i find a place with huge pet fees ill have to work my butt off over christmas break and save all i can and stll not move until january..im thinking waiting and moving when i have a couple paychecks under my belt is way more sensible than just moving now when i know i dont have the extra money for the security deposits and extra rent and fees and getting utilities squared away..ugh i had forgotten about all of this stuff..the therapy and soon to be lack there off is another big deal..as much as i dont like going and spend most of my time studying the very interesting patterns on the walls and floor..i just kinda know i dont need to stop completely now..even though i know i was okay and managed okay while i was there over the summer, i dont want to bet i will be okay this time when i dont really know..i want to be ok and i hope i am but what will happen if im ok there but will have to leave some day..it will be just like it was when i left over the summer..i was ok there but it took less than two weeks before i was back to my usual stuff..i cant expect to just let things disappear or find new ways to ignore them as much as i might want too..ill still have to go home sometimes..ill still be expected to do things..and i would really really like to stop wising i owuld die..i dont know what triggers my moods most of the time..and i can go from ok to not ok really fast..and i also know that when i had to do the medical forms for over the summer i know depression was put on there but ie forgotten what else..i know eatin disorder wasnt one cas i kindly left that out of the convo when i talked to the doctor at the health center..i dont know why it was so different over the summer and i dont know why it worked so well being there..and that is so not the truth..i do know why or have some idea of why but im thinking about it right now..but i keep going back and forth as usual on what i want to do..i want to stay in therapy but i dont want a new doc..i played with the idea of just driving back to greenville every couple weeks for appts like i do now but 2 hours of driving bores me completely..and six hours is a long drive..i just want to be ok and im not really sure i know how to do that in a way that doesnt hurt afterwards..im just not really sure what i should do..what i need to do ot whatever..somewhere in my head i keep saying ok therapy isnt the biggest thing to stress over and going doesnt mean its the end of the world..bt i still dont know what i want to do about it..the more i think about it the more confused i am...i worry that somewhere along the line someone will end up hurt by some decision ive made and now i just cant decide on anyting and be comfortable with it...geez im even worried about driving up there with mommy if she helps me move..then i tell myself not to worry so much about what ppl think of me and laugh at myself in my head for even getting that thought..but if it was possible it would be nice..it would also be nice if i would stand up for myself and find out im not a complete dork and that im not a bad person..all this stuff that i want is just filling my head with no way to go anywhere..who would want to hear what i want when they keep changing..i just want the basic stuff..i could settle for being happy and liked but not loved...im back to having endless lists of things in my head that i need to do..at least it wont be any trouble leaving the apartment lease wise considering never renewed are lease in the first place for this semester..its hard looking around and starting to seperate whats mine and what isnt..i have to seriously get rid of a lot of my clothes..if i dont wear them im not taking them and well there goes most of my clothes..some ill keep just because but most of them are just taking up space..i have to go through and really throw away a lot of stuff..or donate it or something..ill find out on monday what my grades are for my class..i found out i have one more paper to write..a self reflection kinda thing about my time in the social work dept and how its gone and what i learned..that kinda stuff..im not really worried about it but im once again putting off doing it..im worrying about work stuff and suddenly knowing im not going to be at the hospital nymore to help is scaring me..but now its in the form of what will the do without me..knowing that they got on perfectly fine before i was there and they will be fine when im gone but still it hurts..knowing im leaving and then moving so that i cant even drop back in whenever i wanted too..i wonder if ill ever see them again..if ill ever talk to them or see any of the kids i worked with..and i dont want to leave ..i want to stay forever and i want to be mad at the hospital for not giving me a job..im gonna go out on a limb here and say im thinking i have a little seperation anxiety..but my allergies are seriously killing me and im gonna go to bed before i wake the house up clicking the keyboard keys..

maybe

maybe you cant make everyone happy..maybe its a waste of time trying to make everyone happy with what you want to do..

im home..babysitting now ..they are pains in the butt but i still like them and of course they now have kingdom of hearts that i have wanted since it came out a million years ago...getting a ps2 is still on my lists of things i want eventually..we talked aboust christmas gifts this morning..and i did tell them im moving in january and of course harris told me i would have to come back for him and rileys birthdays in jan and feb..me and harris made smoothies last night..blueberry, banana, chocolate smoothies and it really was just ok throw stuff in the blender and hope its good..and it did turn out to be really good..and we took pictures of them but now we cant find the cord to put them on the compter..and i really want the ones we took last night..dee gave me copies of the pictures we took the weekend we went to see the lion king and they are so cute..ill have to find really nice frames for them

not feeling good

another morning of waking up feeling really sick..got allergy meds last night which i forgot to take but i will as soon as i get out of bed and start getting ready for work..i still have to through some stuff in my bad to go home after i leave work to cut down on time so i can make it home by 5ish im hoping..and then ill stay and leave sunday morning for now...i think mommy is going to henrys football game this weekend anyway..being so tired i was a little worrried last night about falling asleep while i was driving but ill be fine..im going before it gets dark so im not really worried right now...more worried about the car cutting off on me but ill have to figure it out as it happens i guess..and for christmas im asking for new tires..completely boring gift but if im driving in the snow might as well get new tires now and get the car completely checked out in december before i go..driving is slowly losing some of its scariness..still not great at it and going the full speed limit all the time makes me scared still but im trying not to go incredibly slow either..so im getting better..parking is just entertaining since sometimes i do ok and actually make it into a space..most of the time im right on the edge of one side and all this space on the other..parking is confusing..when im not nervous and worried about it i do a better job at it..but im off to get ready for work

good news

i got the job..im going back to talisman!! i found out officially today..well last night but i had to call linda today and talk to her..but yep im going back..i have to find an apartment..i have to figure out what im going to be doing when im not working..i have to figure out what im going to do about therapy...after thinking it for a few weeks ive decided if at all possible i will just come back to gville for therapy..it should be ok if it sticks to every other week but ill wait and ask to be sure..but once jan 2 comes ill be gainfully employed like a real person...im not sure i want to be a real person though..i want to go back i do..i want to be happy about having the job and i am..i was..i keep going back and forth between being completely excited and a little sad..i still dont want to graduate..somehow i keep wanting to just skip the graduation part..i want to skip the real world part and just go get lost at camp not doing camp things..but i dont want to get there and be ok and have to leave one day and go back to not being ok..it sucked this time and it will suck then too if it happens...i dont want it to happen..i really do what to be ok and able to take care of myself and actually like myself i guess..hmm no big thing is not wanting to kill myself..i really do see something wrong with that at least

so

im going home this weekend...talked to mommy this afternoon before i came home and she told me that dee needs me to babysit..not that im complaining since i can so use the extra money..ill just come back on sunday and i dont have to be by myself this weekend...maybe ill even get a trip to the movies out of it..

today was a hard one at work..saw a little baby in clinic..2 months old now...in the hospital... 16days hold with a head injury from her dad...it was really not cool.. she was such a beautiful little baby..i wanted to take her home and her twin..i was sitting in the room just staring at her..wanting to take her pain away and it was really hard..knowing i dont want kids i would have taken her...i really wanted to ask to hold her but she was sleeping and the doc kept doing the doc thing and she was crying some..so i held off and asking to hold her but i really wasnt paying attention after a while i was looking at the baby so much...some parents just really really suck

not much to write about i dont think..kinda in my own little world tonight

ramble

another night gone..i didnt cut..binged but didnt purge...sooo will see how long i can go without eating..completely forgot what i was talking to myself about last night as i was going to sleep and i really did want to remember but i forgot still..maybe it will come back to me when im not thinking about it so much..gotta go to work well gotta get ready for work..at least its not raining anymore..still kinda down and what not..still not sure what to do about this weekend..

hmm im ashamed of what goes on in my head..decided that on monday but didnt bother picking up on it until last night..if i did what i keep seeing in my head i would have been dead a month ago..but im not for whatever reason not that it really matters..its just as bad thinking about it and not doing it

and i remember what i was thinking about last night...before i went to bed i was looking through some of my older posts here..since i just thinking of time frames for what ever reason and my blog is almost 2 years old..4 months shy of my having it for 2 years..hard to believe really but the dates are right there and im not making it up..but i was reading or glancing through some of them last night when i just kinda noticed that i dont really go back and reread what i write..it doesnt matter where im writing it or why since i do write a couple different places..although this one just gets everything..guess i like it best..or it may just be because yvonne reads the other one and i dont want her knowing im crazy...but anyway..i dont reread what i write..last night just glancing through stuff from a year ago and looking at the titles and pulling up the interesting ones was enough to make me cry without really getting into what they were about..it wouldnt take long to pick up a pattern in my writing if i wanted to waste the time doing it..but what i write is just really sad most of the time..and it hurts rereading it..if im reading what i wrote after i write it then i have to acknowledge i wrote it..i have to deal with it and know that it was really in my head..if i write it then i was thinking about it or have thought about it..i would have to remember and i dont want too..i do think i like the fact that im so good at hiding what i feel and not having anyone know..but thats because i dont talk and i dont give out emotions easy..but its different when i write..i dont read it and in a way no one still would know what went on in my head..not a lot of ppl have the link here and its not like its read that often and not by me...

today was a really long day..

not sleeping yet

im so tired right this minute and i am going to bed when im done with this..i was trying to wait until it was 10 so it wouldnt seem like i was going to bed really early...falling asleep at 7 just isnt cool at all..more so since i slept from 7pm to 6am and only woke up once...but 10 is a good time for me to go to bed for whatever reason..and i can fit in all the shows i really like too...i was looking at how many blogs i have on here and there are a lot of them..i think ill have to start a new one soon just because im starting to get paranoid and worrying that if my blog gets to long ill start losing some of my old posts and i dont want that..ill just wait until i get to 500 even and then start a new one..the way ive been writing lately it wont take long at all to get the rest of the way to 500..i wonder why i have been writing so much ..i dont even think i write about anything new..always the same old confusing stuff..i should be tired of writing about it constantly..i really should be but i guess im not if i keep writing about all of it again and again and still not making any sense of anything..maybe im just weird like that...i did kinda clean up my room again..and actually put all the stuff i keep pulling down away..didnt feel like doing the kitchen again.so thats still the half mess it usually is..maybe tomorrow ill feel better and finish cleaning it up..trying to think of what im going to be doing this weekend..yvonne is going back home again and ill be either by myself or i can go home and see about babysitting..dont know which ill be doing yet..most likely ill stay here..but being by myself and really turning into not a good thing at all..as much as i hate to admit it i prolly really dont need to stay by myself this weekend..but with granny home now i dont want to get stuck taking care of her either..not if ill be home for thanksgiving and i already know i cant get out of that..but this weekend i can get out of..maybe i just need to find something to do...

painting didnt help this time..writing isnt helping either really..neither of my paintings make sensse but the first one i did is kinda interesting and i really do want to take it therapy just because i dont know what else to do with it..not like im gonna hang it up on my wall..right now i just keep looking at it wondering what in the heck i was thinking..but i kindof like it too..but umm interpreting paintings just isnt my thing..i pulled out all of my smaller ones and its really weird looking at then and having no idea what i painted them for...just going on color would prolly explain quite a bit of them since i really have a thing for black, red and gray..lots of abstract stuff..mainly cause my drawing skills are nonexistent..but even looking back through them and not understanding them doesnt make me want to throw them away...a lot of what i write or paint or osmething i always start off doing itand then wanting to just throw it away or something becuase i think i wont like it or i wont be able to explain it..and sitting and looking at them waiting for an explaination to jump out doesnt work either...maybe letting someone else look at them would make it easier to explain some of them since i did them i should be able to explain them but i cant..now i think you know 50 years from now someone i dont know will look at something ive painted and come up with this whole story of why it was done and what i was feeling at the time and everything we do in art and english classes now..and i really dont know how people come up with some explainations for paintings and whatnot..its just so farfetched and off the wall..but i guess some of my paintings are pretty obvious too..i think im just going to clean up my paint junk so dusti doesnt think there new toys for her and go to bed

borrowed

Monday 6th Of November 2006

What message did you most need to hear?

"One word frees us from the weight and pain of life; that word is love." --Sophocles

In exploring the enneagram, Riso and Hudson have identified 'lost messages' that we needed to hear as children but didn't. The absence of these words may be at the heart of our most basic fear. And unconsciously we may still be seeking to hear these words from others.

Review the following messages and note if any one touches you more strongly than the others:

1. "You are good."
2. "You are wanted."
3. "You are loved for yourself."
4. "You are seen for who you are."
5. "Your needs are not a problem."
6. "You are safe."
7. "You will be taken care of."
8. "You will not be betrayed."
9. "Your presence matters."

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

-- Dinah Mulock



just keeping it here..until i have the time and energy to think about it more