another day

if i wasnt so tired and trying not to go tosleep i would prolly feel a bit happier.. today was pretty ok..wore pjs to work..really cute monkey ones with matching slippers..took pictures this morning with the rest of the team..i had pig tails which yvonne told me i need to wear more often..but went trick or treating in the hospital and got some really cool not candy stuff..i got a carebear puzzle! and stickers..pencils and even a bear..i gave most of it the the peds rehab just to keep but i few things i picked out..and drove to work and home and stopped for dinner..and now im home and so so tired..i keep telling myself not to start freaking out about my project..since i leave for work so early in the morning i get some extra time to myself to do stuff in the office..this morning i worked on my paper some..ill have to finish it tonight or tomorrow morning..ill have to start my presentation tomorrow at the latest so i can figure out some class activity...yvonne went to raliegh to get allen and bring him back for a halloween party..she asked if i wanted to go but im not feeling up for it..way to tired and to much work to do..allen is also going to be here this weekend...so plenty of time to make me work on my project...not really feeling up for much right now..ill be happy when im more used to the time change..im up at 6 or before and im ready for bed like now around 7..ugh its annoying really

wondering

would i be willing to move? if i got a job and the choice was to move would i do it? i dont know...there are some thing holding me in greenville and it wouldnt be fair to just leave yvonne without a roommate all of a sudden..i got an email today from linda about a program thats being done from jan to may..working with kids with aspergers..i dont know all the details yet but i think i would at least like more info on it..i would rather not stay in the cabins but we will see..and since i wanted to go back to camp anyway this kinda does work out..and after camp ends in aug i can go from there and figure out what i want to do..and i most likely i wouldnt make any moving plans until aug depending on where i was going to be working at..but i just dont know..i want to get a job but i loved being in ashville, i like camp life because it makes things go back to being incredibly basic..but this wouldnt really be camp camp..and i would get to travel just a little bit...i guess that comes with keeping your options open..maybe im a slacker for not wanting to get a real job..but if im getting paid a salary then that is a real job isnt it?

i finally went and picked up my cap and gown today...theres really like 4 weeks left in my intern..and thiking about it makes me want to cry becausae i really dont know what im going to be doing for sure after that...i dont know where ill end up going or doing...better yet how am i going to keep myself alive?! and then what will i do about dusti..yvonne said she would keep her but i feel bad leaving her for so long..becuase i would leave in jan and be gone until may and then leave again in june...not good for dusti at all

ok

acceptance stuff aside the time really needs to change back like now...i dont want to keep waking up at six in the morning and not able to go back to sleep..finally a bit sick..dont want to go to class but the career ppl are coming and so i better take my butt to class..besides rosalind always makes me smile when i see her and she yells hi from across the room..other than that i just have the usual stuff to work on today..i have to go to the bank and finsih my paper..work on my presentation...find dusti since im not really sure wheres shes sleeping at right this minute...guess im off to get ready

would it really be that easy if i just stopped fighting all of it so hard? guess that would be where the acceptence thing comes in..who told me that accepting it doesnt make it right it just does something else that i cant remember...deal with it and let it go..stop trying to change stuff or make it better when it doesnt make sense..stop being someone you arent..hmm i dont think accepting what i do makes it ok..i think i wanted it to be ok but its sitll not..accept every stupid measly thought and action and situation no matter how small..and then i think the world might just end for the heck of it...thinking about it like that makes it seem like this huge thing that really is overwhelming.. and scary

The Serenity Prayer
	God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

leave me alone

im once again left wondering what it is that makes people bad parents...i watched a movie for the second time today and the movie itself is good but the story line is hard to sit through..i really can understand the double sidedness of domestic violence...not that ive ever seen or dealt with it but ive heard enough about it and had classes on it to just understand a bit more than the basic's..in the soical work classes your told to stay open to everything regardless of if you agree with it or not and dv i dont agree with but i could work with..child abuse on the other hand i dont agree with and i cant work with..simple fact that i dont believe parents who suck majorly can change..if its already to the point that outside forces are needed to stop a parent from killing there kid then what is there to let me belive they are going to change and promises are a bunch of lies..before i came to college i wondered what it was that made everyone see mommy has this great person and i wondered what it was that i was missing...i still dont know and its not like peoples thoughts changed in the time ive been in school..some people shouldnt have kids at all and i dont know if mommy is one of those people..seems wrong even thinking it but i know its how you grow up that influences who you are as an adult and im just a little on the screwed up a lot side.. i havent watched life time seriously for a while and i guess im missing my usual scrweed up childhood movies...its just hard watching them and remembering there movies and watching a parent completely not pick the kid over the husband..worse than that both parents are in on it..another senario parent trades a kid for something they want.. i kept telling myself it was just a movie and so therefore what i was watching wasnt true and it wasnt happening..but the storyline had to come from somewhere..it prolly happens a lot too and it doesnt seem fair that kids just get the bad end of the deal more often than not...you grow up to be like your mom..i would rather be dead than to have that happen...i want to say im trying to be my own person but that wouldnt be truw..im to afraid of stuff for that to work..i would rather be told to just do something and not have to pick something for myself..but if im always letting someone else pick stuff for me i wont ever really know what i like..i dont really know what i like now...i do the things i already know wont hurt me or im used to it cas ive done it a million times..but trying new stuff isnt really on the top of my list of things to do..i just worry alot because i cant decide what i want to do..i cant decide who i am..im pretty sure mommy could tell me exactly who i was..but would i agree with her? i am tired of people always telling me what i should be doing and what i need to do..because them im a parrot and just keep saying the same things over and over..i would prolly keep at it to until someone questions why i did it in the first place and then i dont know..being questioned wasnt part of the agreement i guess..its more of a do everything that your told to do and dont question it and watch life pass you by because you dont stand out enough to be noticed...im not noticed but it hurts my feelings when im ignored..but i cant blame them since i dont make a point of making myself stand out..i should be forgotten and in most cases i am i guess..its easy to pick up on how bad you can be but it takes a lot more work to think your not..did you deserve it..any of it..i dont know anymore..at one time i was certain i did..now i just want to say i did because im used to it, not because i dont know any better because im sure i do..i just dont know how to process it i guess..maybe i just dont know anything and i should stop trying so hard to figure it out

time changed

the time moving back is weird..its gonna take forever to get used to it getting dark at like 5 again..all of my clocks have a different time right now and im not really sure which ones right..but im almost certain the computer changes time by its self..ill check the ev whenever i head back downstairs though..im still sleepy though and i think today is going to take forever to be over with

still tired

considering i woke up around 6 this morning im guessing its bedtime right about now...but i can see my floor again and my bed..only took me like 3 weeks to get around to picking all my junk up..surprising what i can find underneath a gazillion piles of clothes..id forgotten i actually had a whole bed..not cool keeping clothes on my bed well i had put them there so i would remember to hang them up like forever ago and that turned into pushing them against the wall since i never ever sleep on that side of the bed anyway..i sleep so far on the edge im surprised i dont fall out of the bed every single night..dont know why i prefer the edge to the wall but oh well..not up for analyzing anything right now..so cleaned the house today for the most part..just have to do the bathroom upstairs and vacumm my room and ill be done i think..so tomorrow i guess ill have to work on homework or something..but anyway..woke up at 6, went the grocerystore at 7 but i h ad a reason..i refused to wash all the dishes and didnt want to so i gave in and went and bought dishwasher stuff..and that turned into getting a few other things i didnt need..went and got breakfast..came home and threw up breakfast..cleaned off and on all day..cooked dinner..binged but didnt purge..finally found my floor and now im here..trying to decide if i want to go ahead and just call it a night..halloween weekend and im not doing anything..i dont have any plans and im not expecting to be invited anywhere..yvonne was supposed to be here but that changed and so shes in raliegh again..she was going to come back today but since she didnt she missed her halloween party and so im not expecting to see heragain until monday night..and much as i like the quiet of being alone im starting to feel lonely..im always by myself these days..when im not at work and when im not with yvonne im not doing anything..having a car hasnt really changed that not that im going to be running all over greenville just to stay busy..maybe ill go to a couple stores tomorrow just to give myself something to do...at least i didnt spend this weekend doing nothing completely..cleaning should be a full time job it takes so much time and energy..and because i lose interest so easily its like every other hour i remember i was cleaning and should prolly get back to it..hmm i was feeling fine earlier even with b/p but since yvonne didnt come back when she said she would im feeling useless..and i know it shouldnt matter so much since im old enough to do things by myself and everything but i dont like doing things by myself that include going out and stuff..stupid me..i keep wanting to say im alone but then i make myself remember the card yvonne gave me on friday that was really the nicest thing ive heard in forever..and i know she hasnt forgotten me and im just being selfish wanting her tp just be around more and its not fair to her im guessing..not that i tell her that..i tell her that im fine and not to worry about me even if i do spend most of my time in the apartment on the weekend..heres a bright idea..maybe if i got out more i wouldnt be so sad all the time..stupid idea cas you prolly have to want to go somewhere to actually go out..gas is to expensive to just drive around going no where...forgetting to take my vitamins again..you know i read somewhere that it takes like 4 to 6 months to build up iron if its low..and im like ok well ive barely got 2 steady months of taking the vitamins..tis gonna take forever to kick in i guess..and im sick of being so tired all the time..i dont drink coffee so its not like i have a sure fire way of getting caffeine in my system during the day..soda and chocolate dont work for me either..once im tired i just want to lay down until something gets my attention..if im busy its not so bad but if i have long periods of time doing nothing i get more tired and sleepy and much more easily distracted..its prolly not nice making excuses for behaviors either..maybe ill make more sense in the morning..but with time changing im not expecting much

sad

i went to the job fair today..i spoke without being terrified completely of the people..janet and cindy told me i looked really professional..and yvonne went out for breakfast with me..and janet told me my new resume was really good..i gave them to the people i talked too just incase and i got info and websites to go look around and fill out applications for..still the hardest part was just keeping my confidence up..my head was all over the place on my walk over there and i prolly looked completely crazy talking to myself..but it kinda kept me on track for what i had to do..but i did it and the world didnt end so it was ok..actually felt a bit better today and stayed at work all day..did zone out some but it turned out ok..its a lot of fun having cindy and janet there at the same time..

supernatural is now on and its gonna take me for ever to write this !

we went to look at wedding dresses..after i had my chocolate attack and demanded yvonne find me chocolate cake because thats what i really wanted and wouldnt just take no for an answer..and instead i got a cookie and coffee cake and was ok..but we went to look at wedding dresses...for 2 hours yvonne tried on more dresses and showed them to me and they were just so pretty..i told her shes gonna get married in a sleeveless dress because they are pretty on her..funny how fast her and allen got really reall serious and now they are talking about marriage..and im happy for them i am..and yvonne is positive im gonna be in her wedding and we have an agreement that i get a dress with sleeves in it..i was fine in the bridal store for about an hour before i started thinking that i will never be able to have a wedding dress or get married..its depressing because well not that i want to get married but i love the dresses..the ones i like anyway..i like looking at the designs and trying them on..but i cant try them on because i would never come out of the dressing room and the lady that was helping yvonne was glued to her when she was changing to help and things...i wouldnt want anyone in the dressing room with me..i couldnt have anyone in the dressing room with because i would freak big time..when yvonne just like really wanted me to try on a dress i got nervous..i didnt but for half a minute i wanted to tell her why i had such huge issues with wearing sleeveless stuff..and that moment passed and i was left with just a huge sad feeling..trying hard to come up with a way to get out of trying anything on..so of course i got really quiet and didnt say anything about any of the dresses in there..i ahd already looked at them..i had already picked out ones i liked and would have loved to try on...but i would never try them on..its not even guilt for this one..more like disappointment..sad..really really sad about things..for a while i wanted to cut.might as well finish messing up my arms and just not care..but thats gone..now i just want to go to bed ...

went to the grocery store before coming home ..spent to much money of course..i told yvonne to never ever let me go to the grocery store again..and she might remember she might not..guess it doesnt matter to much

sick and miserable...but i did manage to finish correcting my resume and its all ready for the job fair tomorrow..i think..left work early..went to lunch with yvonne and then came home and took like a four hour nap with dusti..still feeling not good..but im hoping it will be better by tomorrow and if not..ill have to take enough meds to pass for not sick and make it through the job fair..but off to bed

its happened

so its finally happened..im not dependent on anyone anymore ...i have a car now which completes all of it i guess..i really can go anywhere i want to without having to wait for anyone..i can go where i want to without worrying if its okay or not..i finally drove myself to work and home today..i took the scenic route home but i got home nonetheless..and im slowly getting more comfortable driving...im starting to pay more attention to what im doing..but if i really wanted to just get up and go somewhere i can..i never really thought i would be able to do that..i dont know how i managed to make myself believe i would never drive but i did..and now im driving and its not great but its not the end of the world either i guess..i also drove myself to the grocery store and i swear i would die if i ever had to stop going to the grocery store but anyway..i picked up a bunch of stuff for dusti cas i saw creepy crawlers on her yesterday...so i got her some drops and a new flea collar..my fault for not realizing it was time for a new one..but anyway she wasnt happy with me last night when i gave her a bath..but i needed to do it last night and not just cas i was bored or anything..and she didnt come near me for the rest of the night..shes ok again now though..she was her usual self this morning and getting all over my pillows and what not while i was waking up and stuff..i was actually searching for job openings this morning...its such a headache really..i read the descriptions and its hard constantly looking at the requirements and knowing i dont qaulify for it...its also hard talking about having a job for only like 6 months because i want to go back to talisman over the summer..its hard i guess explaining that not going back isnt an option and its not like i wont be getting paid to do it ..but i really want to go back..maybe i need to go back..i dont know but thats like the only thing im positive i want to do...i went and got my resume looked at yesterday and yea it needs some work but i was looking at the samples and its hard for me to sit there and come up with all this good positive stuff about myself to tell to someone else...i dont beleive it and im not sure ill be able to make someone else believe it either..but i have to try..i do know that..ive been trying to talk myself out of going to the job fair but i cant let myself back out of that one..i have to go..i have to start turning in ap plications..i realized today that i really have less than a month and week left at the hospital..thinking about it makes me want to cry alot...and its depressing really considering ive gotten so used to being there..now i dont want to leave...but im off to dinner with yvonne although im not sure ill eat anything since i just ate enough vanilla wafers to make myself sick..

another headache

maybe ill play with the colors again and im working on learning to add pictures..that one being my newest favorite of the day that i found on my comp over the weekend..hopefully this will actually show up and i wont have to redo it..freezing my butt off..feeling incredibly sick but ill get to that later..actually did everything i was supposed to be doing today..went to class..went to therapy..went to my career services appt..grabbed dinner..purged dinner hence the feeling sick..now im just laying in bed fighting the urge to cut for being such a dummy..my whole arm is killing me ,,wrist more so than everything else and i keep thinking great i wont be able to go and wear my usual shirts to work..ill have to wear them and my jacket or just stick with long sleeves for a while..its cold enough to get away with it i just hate hiding them..hate answering questions more so i guess the trade off is even..cover them up and stop people from treating me like im contagious..would be kinda fun though being contagious..i really want to tell my head to shut up and leave me alone..only i can sit here and ask myself questions out loud no less and expect an answer..not like theres anyone sitting in front of me to answer them but i do answer myself most of the time..i walk around half talking to myself when i want to figure something out..today it was more of a you are annoying and i hate you topics..ive some how made it so that it seems like im talking directly to myself and not just having random streams of thoughts in my head..i was sitting in class writing on my arm to keep myself in class persay..and what i wrote wasnt exactly nice or anything ..im pretty sure walking around with i hate you and your stupid and mean and all this stuff on your arm doesnt count as being nice..how odd would it be to say there was someone else in my head all the time..constantly telling me bunches of stuff..not always bad stuff either but just stuff..reflections of what im thinking maybe..if i have i hate myself floating in my head its not the same thing as like standing in the mirror in the morning and telling my reflection i hate you..not i hate myself becuase then it doesnt make sense..and i guess its juts really hard to explain without seeming like ive completely lost my mind...next topic of a million things..what am i gonna do about acceptance..hmm ok other questions first...am i suicidal? big question of the night i guess...am i right this minute no..was i over the weekend yes..and im only thinking of that now because i was asked when was the last time earlier and well duh it sounds kinda bad saying it was like yesterday ..but no ill make it through this week like i have all my other weeks...walking my fine little line between sane and not...maybe im not really not sane..maybe im just way to aware of myself for my own good..i guess being aware and acceptaing are two very different things..i know where my thoughts have a tend to go and get stuck..i know what i think about and what i question without ever bothering to tell anyone else..i know all this stuff and it just stays in my head until it becomes to much and i write it here..but even writing here can be confusing jumbles of half thoughts and wrong ideas...jenny told me it reads like a book kinda..never thought of that..i was looking at the dates yesterday and its like holy cow..only about a year and a half old and ive written more than 350 entries!! me the person who can swear up and down that i never have anything to say can write and write and write and still my head is full of things to say...i guess i should stop saying i dont have anything to say cas i have a million things to say just to scared most of the time to say them..afraid no one will listen or hear what i have to say..dusti is good for bouncing ideas off of when i really need to say something out loud..but that still doesnt make being scared to talk ok..hello i was dorky enough to pick the major that meant ttalking to ppl..actually all my choices meant tlaking to ppl so i guess i would have found a way around it eventually.but its hard..i go to work and talk to janet and cindy and the other ppl at the hospital..im not as afraid of them from a professional stand point..ive talked about the basic family stuff with janet and cindy some..i know about there kids and whats going on with them..but i worry when im having a bad day and just want things to be quiet if they notice..or if i told them what i did would they like me anymore or want me to be there...i was not very helpful today in therapy ..good grief well i wasnt my usual self..talked a bit more than i normally do..but i just wasnt big on anyhting today..radical acceptance..ive heard of from somewhere and cant remember where..i still think its all a bunch of bs...most likely because i just dont like thinking about acceptance at all..its means knowing that what i do is wrong and sick and dangerous and not being able to ignore it anymore..the pain isnt the biggest part of it..that goes away..the reasons behind why i did it in the first place will have to start coming up and being talked about and id rather go have my eyebrows plucked with a needle or something than talk about any of it..i just want it to go away but trying to do that makes it come up in my dreams until i refuse to sleep anymore..the real world hurts to much..why deal with it when you can make stuff up and make everything ok...

remember..then forget

my little picture thingy did make me laugh when i saw it actually show up..when i put it up earlier it was only in the profile and now its actually on the blog page..its cute though and i like it..

its barely past 9:30 and ive wanted to go to bed since 8..i was trying to wait up for yvonne but thats not gonna happen it seems...i got the extension on my project..i guess ill finish it next week and save myself the trouble of stressing more about it...class will be short tomorrow so that will be good..other stuff to do and errands to run.. ate dinner and half purged..feeling light headed and sore still..played games..did a little cleaning but not much..will hunt down quaters to do some laundry tomorrow..did i never mention that yvonne got me a hello kitty blanket..its pink and black and siilky smooth :) very cool and its on my bed with about a million other things but when i get my bed cleaned off ill fix it more...my attention is all over the place..maybe cause im so tired..but while im thinking about it i should prolly go and take my vitamins that i forgot or didnt take cas im never sure when im going to b'p..so since im going to bed ill take them now..maybe i need to make a list of things to do this week so it wont seem so overwhleming..or maybe i can juts stay in bed for a week and not care..or maybe i dont know..im being stupid...

so i had veggie corn dogs with bbq sauce and pickeles for dinner..as i was wandering around trying to decide if i wanted to throw up or not i thought about how weird a combo that was to just stick together and my second thought was..great im pregnant..and after i laughed about it i started thinking abut what mommy would do to me if i did end up pregnant..she wouldnt have to kill me cas i would do that myself but i dont really know if i would tell her or not..not that it matters i guess since she swore up and down that i was sleeping with everyone while i was in middle school and then she thought i was pregnant for other reasons..im not the smartest person in the world but im pretty sure you cant be pregnant for like 3 years..why i thought of that now i dont know..kinda hard being called a slut when your like 11..had to be 6th and 7th grade maybe 8th..i dont remember..i know i wasnt in high school yet though..not that it matters.some random half a memory..maybe because i take offense to be asked who im dating when its incredibly obvious i dont date..and because i dont talk about dating or anything its like everyone just likes to assume i have a million different guys im sleeping with..not dating just sleeping with..problem with that being i cant stand being touched by anyone almost unless i know them and even thats not set in stone..clubs and kids being the exceptions there..although clubs could cause more trouble if im to drunk to care...its just weird being accused of something you dont understand and not able to explain yourself out of it..oh well not a big deal

it hurts

today is one of those days where i dont know what ive done anymore..everything hurts..im cold and hot at the same time..i want to sleep but im not sleepy...sitting still for to long and then moving just makes my brusied sides flare up in protest..i think its possible to brusie your ribs without meaning too..maybe its just my sides hurting from purging to much..i made myself eat cereal and a protein bar thingy and not throw it up..it helped with the sick feeling a bit..my arm is almost completely out of commision it hurts so much..its been forever since i actually cut my wrist..i did that last..after i cuta couple other places on my arm..not like i could give one arm a break and do both arms..nope all on one arm..and im trying hard not to move it at all...i really really want to hide for a while..i gave in an called my teacher about my presentation and actually left a message..it only took me the better part of a day to talk myself into calling her..now im juts waiting for her to call me back..if she doesnt then i might not be going to class tomorrow..im not up for it...feeling guilty for being a dork and doing everything wrong this weekend..i keep telling myself to get off my butt and clean up but i dont want to..the energy to care is missing today again...i feel dead or disconnected or maybe juts extremly detatched..im not exactly sure what to take because i dont know whats causing what...i did go home last night..i did get my car and come back this morning...i guess ill be driving myself to work this week..i have other stuff due thats pressing in on my head ..find something small to focus on and go from there..played a few games until my eyes started hurting and now im writing to try and take my mind off things..i keep looking at the razor i have yet to move off of my bed and back into its hiding place...i dont really want to use it but i dont want to not see it either..no idea when yvonne will be getting back either..ill have to find something to once again pull myself together..or i could just fall apart..but no one would notice

confused

i should be grateful
i want to be grateful but i cant...mommy is coming to get me and i could careless..i dont want to be near her at all..i dont want to be anywhere around her and if i could get out of talking to her i would...but thats prolly a lie anyway..saying no isnt my strong point at all..ive gotten into to much trouble anyway for not picking up the phone..and she actually asks if i like them..like im dumb enough to say no.. its not nice to not like your family..well most of my family is ok i guess.. dont see them enough for it to matter but i guess for the ones its important to like i dont really like mommy at all..and i think im gonna go to hell for even thinking that..for all the stuff i think about someone might have to make up a place worse than hell just for me..cas i suck majorly...anyway..mommy will be here in about an hour or so..i still havent packed yet..im a slacker..im not really sure i have done today

painful day

mommy nots here yet...i stressed thinking she was on the way to come this morning and i was just you know sitting on my bed petting dusti for like half an hour..didnt clean up anyhting..havent cleaned up anything still..didnt take a nap either and now i am tired..still have a headache..havent taken vitamins for two days now i think...ate lunch and wanted to purge and tried but it didnt work out..hurt to much and just ended up crying in a way...my eyes just watered to the point of seriously thinking i was going to cry..i guess i did in a way but it wasnt real crying...now im getting really sore..my bones hurt..my bones prolly hate me too...took a bubble bath/shower this morning..relaxed for a little while..thought about whats the pros and cons of letting it be known that i want to die..more so who would i tell anyway..right now mommy will be on the way in a couple hours im guessing and no im not planning on doing anything but taking a nap...just the thoughts are there and refuse to go away...i did my hair and had a little to much fun cutting it..really i just trimmed it but mommy wont be happy..i know it shorter since i did it but im not really sure anyone else will notice..mommy will though and ill juts get yelled at for cutting my hair..the same way i got yelled at when she thought i dyed my hair and i hadnt...i dont know whats making my hair look lighter but i havent done anything new to it...i should get up but i dont feel like it..theres nothing on tv to watch and i should go check the mail and see if my new movie is here...i watched bambi 2 last night..it was cute... i think ill go play a game or something for a while..

is it posoible to just float away sometimes. every thing hurts an feels so very far away. eyes hurt, really tired, just want to sleep for a good while. sleping last night wasnt good. kept waking up but i dont know why. cant remember if i was dreaming or not. just a not completely there feeling. zoning out into my own little world where things justdont matter any more. maybe ill take a nap before i start geting ready to go home again. mommy called and said the car was fixed but i got to get home to get it. shes gonna come and get me and ill drive myself back tomorrow. i want to cry but i have nothing to cry about. as i watched myself throw up breakfast i thought about how long it would take to die doing all of this. panic set in and i got scared. sometimes i dont think i really want to die. im not sure i could convince myslf to go through with it. sometimes it does look like a good thing to do and sometimes it doesnt. i keep wanting to email my teacher and tell her i cant turn in my project on monday because im cracking up and cant handle anything else. it will be my fault for not doing it earlier and she will just be mad at me for wasting her time. my head hurts and i feel like im going to be sick again..the pain i deserve but its the rest of a whole bunch of emotions thats sitting right below the surface thats bothering me..guilt and shame just have to be there..if they had bodies i would swear they were just standing there staring at me..telling me to get a life or die and get it over with..even will the bunch of emotions that i c ant really tell apart.anger is missing. i dont remember when i figured out that but its been recently. i dont get mad. i cant get mad. its just gone. i think i tell yvonne stuff caas she does get mad for me. if shes mad then its not on me and i cant be in trouble for it. i just get real sad about all of it. i think ill go take a nap or something until my headache goes away because everything is seeming awfully slow right now. doesnt matter though..ill have to pull myself together before mommy gets here. the problem with that is cutting is the only thing that stops my head from floating

hmm

for the record...throwing up is still majorly gross..sick and painful..welp i have the sick part down..not sureabout the painful one...im in a dork yes i know..and im in a really not okay mood so i guess ill finish this tomorrow when my heads clearer

another day

it was really sad having one of my kids go home..good that he was well enough to leave but sad ill never get to play games with him or watch him in therapy or talk to him..ill miss seeing him and his mom a lot..i miss all of them when they go home...but it was a busy day in the world of the hospital...lots of walking abck and forth and playing and working..listened to a kid play the piano a little bit. and helped someone else with there work..had ppl compliment me on my outfit that i only wore cas i was sick of wearing pants that i casually pick up off the floor every morning..cas im to lazy to hang up my clothes..i try but im juts so tired when i get hom and want to do other stuff but i will clean up tomorrow and get my project done...

i keep trying to stay happy but its not working..i just keep ending up more sad than when i started off...im by myself again for another weekend..i keep being alone on the weekend and i just hate how much i want to ask yvonne to stay so i dont have to be alone but thats not fair..and i just watchh her leave and live her own life and i stay here and dont do anything..mommy says my car is fixed yet again but i cant get to it and i dont know if she can bring it up here..just mom money to spend that i suddenly dont have..went to the grocery store and spent to muhc money...binged on take out and purged :( i dont know what it is about the weekened that really just screws me over so much..but im purging again...i was really good this week and last weekend and now im purging again..stupid me..dont know why i suddenly feel like cutting..actually i dont know if ill make it through the weekend without doing it..i keep wanting to think about everything i have to do..my project is due on monday that ive barely started..i want to ask my teacher if i can put off presenting it because my head is all over the place and i cant focus...i dont want to think about everything thats going through my head..mostly cas i dont know what it is..just back to the nervous anxious feelings again..im pulling my shoulders in and its hard reminding myself to relax when i dont even know why im so nervous..i think ill go to bed really early today and get an early start on stuff tomorrow..maybe that will help..i hope

no more energy

my energy is gone. .i dont want to do anything but sleep..sleep all day long and not have to worry about getting anything done..i had a headache for most of today..no idea why..maybe im not eating enough during the day i dont know..but aleeve doesnt work for me..maybe cas i only took to compared to my useless five or so ..how ever many i feel like taking at the time but its always more than two..but they were mine and i just asked one of the nurses for something for my head and she gave me some of her meds..then i went and got a free candy apple..staff appreciation day or something and i pick today to want a candy apple..today being the first time ive ever eaten on in my life..and the only reason i ate it was because i took a bite and found ut it was a green apple underneath not a gross red one..so i had my first candy apple today..kinda stupid i guess..who hasnt ever had one? played catch and tumb war with the kids on the floor..im sad ct is leaving tomorrow.ill miss him..but still felt crummy today for the most part..fuzzy should be an emotion..that what it was fuzzy and disconnected this morning..headachy this afternoon..it sucks..but then i just had to notice ive gone and gotten completely dehydrated again..im so thirsty right this minute..but ive been drinking for the last hour or so...not enough to fix it but i cant drink anymore im full, maybe tomorrow will be better..maybe i dont know..maybe ill just feel better tomorrow..

liar

i wanted viacodin..thats what i was looking for yesterday..i wasnt looking for or planning on taking the valium i happened to find...my head refuses to just give it up and leave it alone..im gonna drive myself crazy with all of it....i mentioned what i did on a message board that i happen to like and someone told me to get rid of the pill i still have..and when i read it something in me just completely rebels at that idea..i dont know why i want to keep it...i dont want to keep it or take it but i dont want to not have it either...kinda hard to say i might need it when it wasnt mine to begin with..i cant possibly need it i just want it..why cant i just throw the stupid pill away..thinking about doing that makes me want to cry..its stupid all of it..and ill end up doing something really stupid and killing myself..yesterday i was so tired but i was afraid to sleep a little while after taking the other pill..did anyway cas staying awake just wasnt working..but i didnt know what would happen and it would have sucked to just not wake up from one pill..and not even a strong one at that..it was 10mg and i really didnt think that was a lot of anything because the pill is so small anyway but maybe its stronger than i thought it was..and im just gonna go to bed before i start crying or something

another day

so went to work and did ok...got seriously down by like 2 and just wanted to go home..i left at 4 and took a million buses home but got here fine if not just more tired..now im just watching americas next top model which has since gone off...and now im bored...considering going to bed soon ..after i clean dusti's litter box ..i still cant figure out how the little bug kicked litter across the abthroom..good grief she keeps me busy..

ive decided that there is something thats just not right about wishing someone else would die..its wrong and mean and evil and i should be shot for thinking it in the first place...i dont know why i did it anyway..ok so i do but its just still wrong..it doesnt matter if i keep wishing i would die but good grief no doing it other people..besides i should know by now that doing that and having something actually happen would kill me literally..the guilt would eat me alive..today would have been good eating wise i guess had i not gotten i dont know and binged without purging..it was to the point of having a dizzy headache so i got home and ate leftovers and what not..i couldnt figure out what i wanted in the first place and so i just keep looking for something i did want..not really caring what i ate...but since yvonne was home i couldnt purge either not that i really wanted to...so tomorrow ill be really really good and make up for it and just have a snack or something before i get home..but still no carrying money with me because ill spend it and i cant..not even for food so its easier to just eat what i have and leave it alone...i was making lists today at work when i wasnt paying attention to what i was doing and it was just really for reminding me what i would have to pay for next month and stuff i needed for the rest of this month and it was really depressing and im sick of writing ..im running out of stuff to write

bad bad bad

valium...i know what it does now..i found two in a matter of speaking which means i was being nosy and looking through mommys medicine cabinet while i was bored today and she had valium..just 2 but i debated for all of five minutes before itook them..i put different pills in the bottle but im sure she wont notice the change..im guessing i could have juts taken the bottle but nah that would have been weird and wrong..i guess it wounts as wrong taking meds that arent mine anyway..but it put me to sleep this morning when i took it..i only took one since i didnt know exactly what it did..so i slept for a while and woke up feeling incredibly fuzzy and just slowed down..woke up a little after eating something but still it was a distant empty happy feeling i was left with..my head was empty for a while and i ended up going through and pulling stuff out of my closet to bring back with me..but still for most of the day i was really disconnected with everything and im guessing it had soomething to do with what i took but im not really sure..im fine now and tired ...well as fine as i can b e since ive been thinking about cutting and dying and hurting...just general stuff i think..well cutting i did have ever intention of doing..i was just getting really sad trying on my old clothes and i would have been ok if i hadnt pulled out shorts and started putting htem on...my legs are a mess..arms too but looking at my arms and noticing the scars fading a bit made me upset for reasons im not sure of but it just makes me worry..but i didnt ..still thinking about it but i guess ill be ok.. and im not sure about anything tonight it seems....mommy borrowed her money from me and for the whole ride home since im without a car again and mommy and wayne brought me back to school that i just kept thinking that ill be screwed if mommy doesnt pay me back..i just feel really stupid for giving in..not that i could have said no without getting into a lot of trouble..but it just sucks knowing i only matter when she needs something from me..time and money is all i have to give and all of it is hers in a way anyway..i could starve for a couple months and im not sure anyone would notice or care...i just dont have any extra money at all and if i leave what i do have for bills and stuff i already know about ill be ok but dusti's stuff will have to be gotten with grocery money..i have plenty of frozen junk for dinner and stuff so im fine..i need to stop going to the grocery store anyway..ill have to take the bus to work because i cant afford to give yvonne money for gas and its not fair for her to keep driving me around when i cant help with gas..not that i mind the bus it just takes forever to get back and forth between the hospital and campus and then home..but ill get used to it soon enough..things are starting to crowd in on me again..endless lists of things i have to do and get done like now and i dont have the time or the drive to do any of it..i want my time back..im sick of not being able to dowhat i want to with my day..i dont really work but i hate it tonight..i have to be up in 6 hours to get ready for work and instead im sitting here writing instead of going to bed..given ive only been home for an hour and i just couldnt go to bed without checking computer stuff...but i am tired..to bad i cant get rid of the stupid feeling...i cant get rid of the disappointed feeling either..i know better than to take random meds..but i did it over the summer and i did it today..i still have the other pill but i dont know what im going to do with it just yet...for now i guess i just have it to look at.

the lion king

there arent enough words in the dictionary to really describe how good the lion king was last night..i know the movie, i know all three of the movies ive sen them so much and the play follows the first movie very very well..im prolly the only person who knows that the he lives in you song is on the second movie not the frist one but it fit in the play very well..the costumes were great..on stage they were real ..regardless of the fact that you knew people were in them..there were tons of different animals and the music was beautiful..since i have the soundtrack now id say i liked the music a lot lol...but last night was the greatest time ive had in forever..6 kids..all of them by the end of the night demanding my attention..i promised mckenzie that the next time im at home ill go over and babysit her and ann mcbride...cameron and william were both happy to see me and cameron sat with me the second part of the play..harris was on my lap for the first part of the play and riley was on my lap for the second part. jenny and paula and dee told me that i looked nice and they were happy to see me..well not dee on the last part since ive been with riley and harris since friday...but it was good and i really wish i could go back and see it a million times..you dont get enough of that play..it was the best thing ever..the special effects were really good too and i still managed to cry when the dad died..good grief ive seen the movie a million times and still cry on that part...the animals came down the aisles!! at the beginning when they were all coming on stage..the elephant was huge and the litle baby elephant was so cute..the hyenas where silly and funny and zazu was great..of course timon and pumba were brillantly played and sounded just like they did in the movie! the lionesses where some of my favorite scenes though..they were just so pretty and elegant.the dances were so cool and the death scenes/falls were so slow and drawn out but completely believeable ... rafikki who you couldnt understand at all for the most part was the most captivating because of her voice..you might not have understand what she said but you listened to all..harris and riley were right last night was one of the best days of my life...talk about getting lost in the movie the play is like going to a different world for two hours...im really happy dee took me...


hmm other stuff...annoying binging but not purging ..which sucks a lot but i just didnt want to feel sick yesterday...been taking my vitamins still..the times range a lot but i remember to take them eventually...mommy is planning on borrowing money from me again and she says she will pay my bills for dec but i just dont really believe her and i cant say no...so she will get the money and ill be lost for a while..as long as i have money then i guess im useful but as soon as i start asking for money then im the bad one for not using my money wisely and wasting it on money..she likes to forget i hand over more money than i ever spend on movies to her for stuff...ill never hear the end of how much money she put into the car but she wont say anyhting about how i had to finish paying for the dumb thing..ill have to pay to have it fixed today if it can be...what am i supposed to do if i cant get a job when i graduate ? i cant expect her to pay my bills..given she says dont worry she will handle it but then make me feel like im lower than everything because im making her spend all of her money on me...seems like either way i lose out in all of it..as soon as she has what she wants then what exactly am i needed for? i have a project due next week that i need to start working on...my fault for not starting sooner ig uess..but next monday will be really busy

ok

of course im at home and so im babysitting..i came to riley and harris's house yesterday afternoon and i prolly wont be going home until monday...last night was fine, we played and played and watched a movie and we all fall asleep around there room at like 10! but there parents were home so it was fine lol.not like i havent ever fallen asleep with them not home but i try hard to stay awake and im fine most of the time..today there mom and dad went to the nc state game and riley and harris stayed with me..riley went off to play with some of the neighborhood kids and harris of course stayed home with me..we played with and lost his new pet turtle..which he found in someone else's yard but its a outdoors turtle..no idea how it got over here but its harris's pet now and i volunteered to name it edgar lol..harris didnt like that name though but i keep calling it edgar and he calls him ross..we also made it a boy turtle so im hoping we are right..but after that we couldnt find it..riley comes home and they find it thankfully cas harris thought the turtle didnt like him cas it left..but its found and that is over with..played computer games, watched a movie, made cookies and rather good ones at that..found a recipe on line and ended up making butterscotch chocolate chip cookies..we talked a lot about tmorrow..riley tried to be a detective while i was cooking dinner and half arrested me...they finished the cookies and took baths and cleaned up and we danced a million times to the oliver and company songs..only with this two would i dance to anything ..but we did and it was a lot of fun..one at a time because as it turns out keeping the other one busy with something makes baths go so much quicker lol..bt still getting them in the tub is like talk and calm down time for them and we talk about a lot of stuff...they ran after me when i went to take the garbage out..and proceeded to follow me out side half dressed and we raced back to the house..harris came in first and me in second and riley was behind me. they are watching eight below again since we all fell asleep on it alst night and they are waiting for me to go in there so i can finish watching it with them..tomorrow is going to be a lot of fun..im letting harris read my lemony snikett book and hes reallyexcited about that.this morning he woke me up to read frog and toad..ive missed them though..i forgot how much fun i can have with them and not care. maybe thats why i like them so much..i can do the dumbest stuff ever but with the it doesnt matter..prolly cause they are doing it with me! but they have a hugely different outlook on the world..yvonne says she forgets the real life worries when shes with me..i forget them when i babysit.

when i die no one will notice until they need something from me

ohwell

i over slept this morning and so im still home...leave it to me to over sleep the one time i really needed to wake up early and get going..stupid stupid me...now i have a couple hours to kill and after staying up longer to make sure everything was packed and ready to go..ugh..waste of time and effort..cant believe i didnt recheck my alarm and make sure it was on!!! i suck

such a headache

i wacked the heck outta my head today while i was doing laundry..i wasnt paying attention at all and hit my head on one of the coin slot things..hurts horribly right this minute..i guess i should have put ice on it or something but oh well.. hopefully it will feel better in the morning...im leaving for home at like 5 in the morning..id rather leave early than late...ill make it home fine..i hope...im just tired and nervous..im trying hard not to purge...i refuse to move until the feeling goes away...im just losing energy really fast these days..all day long i want to sleep again..nothing else just sleep..sleep and forget..i dont feel like writing tonight

sigh

whats wrong with me?? i cant even make it less three days without b/p'ing anymore..the past couple months i havent been able to make it a full week without doing it i think..my weeks are split into whether or not im sick and stupid again..weekends are turning into long dull neverending days only sperated by if ive gotten bored enough to b/p..does it makes me bad if i look forward to doing it sometimes? no that just makes me a freak and i guess i spend to much time by myself on the weekends..my biggest fear when yvonne said she was going home early was that i would be by myself and that meant there wouldnt be anyone here to check on me in any way...im to old to need supervision, i should be able to take care of myself..and saying that just doesnt seem real..me take care of myself? uh no thanks...ok well this week i think its been everyday since sunday..its disappointing in a way..feeling so sick is not cool at all..this morning i wanted to just stay in bed all day my head hurt so much..spent the first part of the day in a daze everything was so fuzzy and i just wanted to go and lay down somewhere for a while..i woke up around lunch because we went to a vendor fair for home health and hospice and hospitals and med equipment info stuff..tons of free stuff..tons of candy (bad part) but overall it was fun and i liked it..went to client and just got so so tired again..i wanted to go to bed and forget the rest of the day..without having to think about anything but i stayed until it was time to go home..and then i waited for yvonne to come and get me and ended up playing thumb war and tic tac toe with a patient..he cheated of course but what can you expect lol..i actually beat him at thumb war but ive gotten to really like him..i say hi to him when i see him, i stop and let him give me high fives and we snap at each other..i gave him a pen today .. a big one kinda that he can hold and write with prety good even with his issues..issues or not hes good and he knows when hes playing..he finds it incredibly funny that im ticklish on my hands..i will miss him when he goes home in a couple weeks..i like talking to his mom since i see her so much..the other kids im getting to know to but carson just kinda happened one day during a meeting when his wheelchair eended up right next to me and we started playing games...random thought i got a free pill box today..funniest thing ever since theres all this free candy and pens and notepads which i have tons of now too..but just one place had the pill things and of course my first thought great just my luck..second thought being i might as well get one to look at for a while until i figure out what i want to do..much later i remembered i hadnt taken my vitamins for today..i could take them now but i think ill wait juts a little bit until my head stops hurting so much...yvonne left today for home..she started her fall break a few days early! but im gonna be taking the bus to work tomorrow..i could drive but the signal thing worries me and i dont like driving with them not working..im trying to think of a way to nicely ask for friday off so i can go home early in the morning. i know just telling the truth works best but i keep thinking about how stupid the truth is..ugh but i know ill end up telling the truth since lying is such a pain in the butt and i dont want to get stuck in a lie and forget what i said..i alrady know janet wont be there friday and i dont want to just call in sick, id rather tell her before hand and go from there..they have all been telling me im doing agood job with stuff..there are areas to improve in but overall i can hold my own..all the nurses ask if im staying when i gradute..the therapist ask me too..everyone asks if ill stay but not what i plan on doing..a few ppl ask what my plans are after school but mostly its being asked if im staying..i do want to stay i really really do but its also a change thing..im getting used to being in the hospital..im getting used to working on the teams and not being scared of asking the docs stuff...i know what the problems are and i know what the expectations are..im learning resources and connections in a way..yet again i dont want to have to change and learn new things..i like being in rehab and i want to stay where i am but its small in rehab here..and right now there arent any openings..there are only 7 social workers there and me and i dont really count..but theres not a lot of room for growing right this minute..i know that can change really fast but for now nah..janet agreed that me going to the job fair is a good idea but im feeling like im not trying hard enough to find a job and just going to the job fair is being lazy..regardless of the other hundreds of students that will be there..given im not trying to find a job and until like the last couple weeks or so i didnt care..but suddenly i realize that the semester is already half over and that makes me nervous and i really want to just cry because i dont know what will happen when i graduate..i really dont want things to change an they will ahve too..i cant belive not graduating is actually in my head..i know i cant not graduate..i cant stay as an undregrad any longer it just wouldnt work..i really dont want to take the field seminar again with a class i dont know...today when i told people i was graduating in june everyone said good luck and asked if iwas learning alot..and they were sincere..just kinda one of those things that cant be faked succesfully i guess..but all the same they were incredibly nice and had stories to tell..its just hard i guess..not knowing what iwll happen makes me so nervous..but the way im going..i wonder if ill make it to my graduation in one piece..last night when i was trying to go to sleep and feeling incredibly sick from b/p i was thinking about why i would rather die than let anyone know i do b/p..i dont know why i have the difference between throwing up and cutting when they kinda do the same thing..i dont know why one is better than the other and maybe ive juts stuck with the b/p longer...i have done it for an incredibly long time vs cutting for only 7 or so years..wow it seems like forever...guess it doesnt matter since ive ruined my body in a million and one ways...im going home this weekend and i have new scars running up my arm..and i say going up for some weird reason..they could be going down but either way what i did with the staples is highly noticaable and im realyl worried ill be dead when and if mommy sees them...its not cold enough for long sleeves and im just yelling at myself in my head for being so stupid and doing them anyway..i just suck more than usual lately..yesterday we went to the bridal store and i looked at all the pretty dresses and hated myself..ill never get married..ill never ever wear anything without sleeves in it..ill never have a reason to where anything that formal..and i learned that in the bridal store you so cant touch the wedding dresses..the real ones lol..i was touching them and yvonne told me to get away from them cas you cant toucht them..i just assumed she was making that up cas she is incredibly not thrilled about me forever telling her shes getting married..but no she was right..no touching the real wedding dresses..you can touch the formal dresses though..all the same those dresses are like $1000 bucks!! i would be paying for a dress for like 5 years..i dont want a dress you have to pay for in installments lol..could be fun but good grief no..not for a dress you wear like once and then never ever wear again! they were awfully pretty though..some were incredibly ugly but some where really nice and i would have loved to have them until you look at the prices and come crashing back down to earth! shopping was not my friend yesterday...now that ive completely depressed myself yet again i guess lil go and find my floor and finish setting up dustis new toy play climber thingy..and go to bed since i have to be up a bit earlier than usual

ugh

no energy tonight..its been a really really long day but not a bad one..tired and going to bed

Your Personality Is Like Heroin

You're capable of the highest highs and the lowest lows. Addicted to feeling good, you'll do almost anything to avoid pain. People seek you out, even though you can be quite moody. They're hooked on you!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

hmm

today is slowly moving along..im tired but its to early to go to bed..went to class and actually drove myself to the doc..annnnnnnnnd i didnt even hit anything..my parking skills are horrible but otherwise im decent..still you can tell im so not used to driving! but i finally got over being really horribly scared and it was go or dont go and not going just wouldnt have been good..so last night hmm freaked for a while..went fora drive to the grocery store..b/p..adn then went to bed and tried to ignore how much it hurt..woke up sick and so i havent eaten really yet today..half a granola bar doesnt seem like it counts even if i want it to..althought the only reason im making a big deal out of it is because i havent taken the vitamins yet and id rathe rnot feel any worse than i do already..the longer i try to think of something to eat the more i cant find anything..not that i have a million choices but i have a few..ill wait a little longer and see if my stomach will not scream bloody murder if i eat..but mostly no energy right now..i think if i go lay on the couch ill be sleep before long. my attention has been horrible today..everything is distracting in the worst way.

stupid is so not the word

i cant get my head around the fact that i should have known better than to watch the little mini movie i watched...when i saw the thread and it had ed trigger on it lightbulbs or something should have gone off in my head..and if they had cas in sure they did i was dumb enough to not listen to them..and i dont know anything about karen carpenter..really i dont well i didnt and now i know more than i ever wanted to know..the movie i saw was really old and it was done with barbie dolls no less..i dont know how in the world its possible to make a barbie doll look sick and die but well they got it and it was done awfully good...i want to say it shouldnt bother me so much but it does..it was like a mini walk through the wondeerful world of eating disorders..and i guess i can say that if i didnt have one it wouldnt bother me so much...still i refuse to believe it..the topic of iepac syrup came up and i know how it works and ive even gone as far as to know where to get it from..its not like its that hard to find..its advised that parents keep some on hand incase there kids swallow some lethal liquid or soemthing to make them throw up..ive also spent way to much time on ed boards to not know the dangers that comes with it..and for once the dangers seriously outweigh the benefits...and ive never had the real urge to use it..id rather not die from the one thing i hide more than anything else.. i just know that if i took it i would be dumb enough to get hooked and die in a month..just watching it put me on edge in a really bad way..sitting still is not cool right now and because im not going anywhere im just getting more and more nervous about something that i cant really put a name on...i know better..i swear i do and it juts doesnt matter..for whatever it is i want the consequences just dont outweigh the benefits...i would die and not care and im at the point where i know its wrong but i cant fix it ..id rather it killed me..all of it not just the ed stuff...im feeling really really really stupid and childish and annoying and nothing makes sense..

nothing

dusti got me good in the finger when i was playing with her today..its not my fault she likes chasing feathers to the death and my fingerwas so in the way it seems. but now my finger is starting to hurt a bit..anyway..didnt do anyhting today..wasted a lot of time waiting for wayne to come..and he didnt earlier..so he called and said he was on the way and now im still waiting for him to get here..cleaned up all the major parts of the house..my room not counting cas i dont really care about that and its not like anyone else will be in there..i finished reading the lovely bones today and the book is good but its one of those books ill never be able to read in a bad mood..it did make me wonder if people can really watch you from heaven..cant read minds or anything but just watch without being able to interfer or anything..makes me consider if i believe in the unbelievable i guess..in the matrix deja va is a glitch in the system..i have really bad deja va sometimes..a bit deeper than just seeing something twice..

ok skip a day since i didnt finish writing this yesterday...wayne came and brought my car..i now have a car but im a bit scared of driving it...but all the same he actually came through on his promise to bring it to me..now im just looking at it wondering what in the heck im supposed to be doing with it!! but ill get more comfortable driving soon enough i guess...spent most of the day not doing anything and putting off doing the work i should be doing..stuff for class tomorrow stuff for therapy tomorrow..and i figure if i keep waiting long enough it will all juts finish itself and i wont have to worry about it...i always want someone to offer to drive me to therapy and im not that lucky it seems..i might be driving myself! its not that i cant do i just dont really trust myself to do it...mommy isnt helping at all with getting any better at it either..all day today ive just kept putting off going and driving somewhere..i keep starting other stuff which is mostly watching tv to get my mind on other things and i keep saying ill juts drive tonight..if you could take away all the other cars on the road i wouldnt have any trouble at all getting in the car...but since that wont be happpening ill have to face it really really soon...anyway..kinda feeling incredibly overwhelmed with all of this stuff..next week is fall break ..ok two days of next week is fall break and im ready for it..the weekends juts dont cut it not that im doing anything anyway..taking bubblebaths is so my newest favorite thing to do to waste time..ive found out that if i keep making the water just a bit hotter than i can stand it then as soon as my foot is in i cant think of anything else until the water cools off..once theres nothing in my head relaxing for a little while isnt that hard..its just an energy release in some weird way..almost the same way cutitng works..and a bubble bath is just a bath and i still dont like baths i just take a shower anyway after wasting a good while looking at nothing..but anyway...i was feeling incredibly ok after my bubble bath but now i dont know..im distracted but i dont know about what...i keep thinking of things i need to do and juts dont want to do...im waiting for yvonne to get back and she hasnt gotten here yet so im not by myself..but i shouldnt be expecting her to come and juts keep me company when i dont want to really talk to her either..and if i do go to the store how do i know i wont buy anything i dont need?? i keep thinking of everything i want to buy and i keep taking food off the list..like i can buy the book i really really really want but if i do then you know i cant go to the grocery store..telling myself i cant go to the grocery store hurts juts because i love going so much..but anyway ive never been one to not make myself suffer for the fun of it. so ill get over it..depending on how i look at it the whole thing could be an awfully good trade off..and i do want that book..i found a link today to all of these books on ed's ..and theres a lot of them i havent read before that i want to get all of sudden...i want to go home and get the other ones i have..i havent read any of them in forever...ive gotten rather crazy in the past few weeks..

so for some reason yesterday i was doing something that made me think about being really angry at someothing..and then of course my lack of being able to get mad ..well my lack of being able to stay mad for more than a passing thought..because i dont know why i cant when sometimes i really do want to be mad about everything and its just not there..at least not where i can get to it ...its always right underneath the surface but always out of my range..i know its there..because i can get mad it just doesnt stay and im not sure i like that..i have sad down completely but i cant get a hold on mad and its like well gee theres something missing but i dont know how to explain it or even make it ok for it to come back...when i really think about why its not there i just get lots of empty space and thats not any answer im looking for..dont know why..guess thats one of those things ill never be able to figure out..dont know how in the world i would be able to handle it anyway so maybe its better i dont have it..i could prolly die from saddness anyway

so tired

i dont think its my iron anymore...im tired..all the time again..i spend half the day yawning, wanting to go to sleep..i can and do stay awake but i start zoning out before i even make it to work..i dont get it..i have been taking the stupid vitamins and im still tired..maybe i should stop taking them and see what happens..if i start just falling asleep without being able to help it then ill know i have aproblem..i do sleep..im in the bed by 11..by 10 most night..sometimes even before that on weekends when i dont have to worry about staying up and keeping yvonne company when shes actually here..and even then im dead to the world by 10..and im up in the morning around 6:45ish..sometimes earlier but not later...by definition i shouldnt be tired at all and i dont know why..today i was actually considering drinking coffee just to wake myself up..i keep getting so cold in the hospital..i walk around in long sleeves or a jacket all the time there now..if i dont have a jacket im shivering by lunch..some days i cant feel my fingers im so cold and that normally only happens in the computer labs when i know they keep the air incredibly low...i keep thinking im the only one bothered by the air in the hospital..im always cold and im always pulling at my sleeves trying to warm myself up and i sit at the nurses station shivering because i can never seem to keep my body temp normal..when im hot at the hospital then the heat is on and blasting..the problem being i hate being to hot..i cant sleep when imn to hot and it makes me cranky really really fast..but im still eating ice a lot..and it doesnt help anything at all..so i dont know what to do..

i watched nanny mcphee tonight and it was a good movie..i liked it, but then i guess i just like movies like that..i know yvonne thinks its cheating off of mary poppins but that doesnt matter to me at all..its not the same and i like it but i know i wouldnt watch it around yvonne at all..she would just make comments until i didnt want to see it anymore...i want to keep it until next weekend when i go home so riley and harris can see it but maybe i wont...maybe ill just get a different set of movies to take home with me...but anyway..it was a funny movie..im considering if i want to buy it or not and i think ill end up adding it to my list..ill watch it some more this weekend ..and i have to watch yours, mine and ours too..i know riley and harris have already seen that one.

i made a cake tonight...im considering throwing the whole thing away..im annoyed with eating today..i was dumb and bought lunch knowing i would get french fries..and i did and lucky me im creeped out with throwing up in the hospital..thats one of those places that just screams get caught and your dead..so no throwing up there..havent thrown up all week i think..interesting since its been a while since i even thought that...ive set myself up to cut this weekend..im expecting it..i was going to do it the other night and went to bed instead..i keep trying hard to stay as busy as possible but i keep getting so much time to myself..no idea how to stay busy it seems...i dont do anything anymore..watch tv or play online when im not at work..i dont really shop or do anything..its not fun...im trying to not care what yvonne thinks is going on with me..i dont have to be happy if i dont want to..its to much of an effort being happy these days..not that im crying all the time or anything but nothing gets a reaction ut of me..the normal movie qoutes i know by heart that yvonne could say to make me smile doesnt work anymore..ive been trying to talk more with her when shes around..but shes not around much..busy with other stuff..i dont want to feel ignored but i guess its my fault..i dont depend her attention or even talk to her when i get it..why would she want to hang around me when im always in a bad mood i guess..not that i would ever ask her to just stay here and keep me company over the weekends..her boyfriend is her life and who am i to get in the way of that? she says just tell her to stay here when we talked a little about how i was supposed to get a tattoo and i said its ok cas everyone is busy doing stuff..when she asked who everyone is i told her it was her..but i dont let her not do stuff for my sake...id rather be in a bad mood by myself until i can work it out..except it kinda sucks when i dont manage to work it out at all..just keep being sad and wishing for an escape of some sort that refuses to come...ive set myself up to fail really..but right now i dont want to hurt..i just want to sleep and im freezing ..the winddows are just open and im freezing...gotta love the days i get to walk across the world to get home because yvonne cant pick me up...and in the rain no less..i just have bad luck that way..today when i have to walk all over the place and turn a 20min trip into a two hour affair and it pours all day long and cools off..i was just glad i had a sweater...oh well..made it home all the same i shouldnt complain..today i really almost had to stop and cry at work..teared up but didnt cry..neither janet or cindy were in today and so i had to deal with everything coming in for both of them..i had a list of stuff to do..i had a paper to get finished..i had to deal with the med stuff for a patient going home..i was back and forth from the office to the kids floor and back..a million phone calls..setting up appts..ppl looking at me like i knew what i was doing..its like as soon as the ones i report to are gone then im the one who knows everything..i had no idea what i was supposed to do about some of it..people kept finding me and asking me stuff...drained isnt the right word for what i was feeling by the time i got to go home..especially since i took the scenic route home..but it was just so busy trying to deal with so many different things..i had a list of stuff to do already but adding in the extra stuff took a lot of energy and patience..i did all of it and then some..today was a serious look into how much is expected of them even at the hospital..something is going on all the time..some problem that has to be fixed right then..nerve wrecking..get home and dont know what to do with myself..dont want to stay home but cant go anywhere..so instead i watch amovie and make a cake..i started reading the lovely bones and its a really good story..depressing but good in a way..makes me wonder what heaven really looks like..hmm i keep thinking about the homework ive put off writing..still putting it off but the subject is always in my head so i guess thats the trade off..i can think about it as much as i want until i actually write something..but even time for that is running short ..very very short actually and i might as well face my fears now..and even writing that makes me want to laugh..so instead of actually thinking ill face anything ill read my book and wonder about the fate of the world and maybe just maybe when im bored enough ill remember to write my thoughts on what i want to be said about me when i die..i remember it..ive thought it all out and even had answers for it at one point..now im not sure i care..

i have to..its not a want kinda deal

today was stressful, i did everything that was expected of me..i always do whats expected of me for the most part..still some things for tomorrow..i have to give myself grades though for tomorrow..i have to do my recording thing for class..i have to figure out if im going home..i have to do something...if i made a checklist of things to remember to do outside of work i dont think it would ever end...i have to find out graduation stuff, i have to go to the bank, i have to clean my room again, i ahve to do laundry, i have to get my car and then be to afraid to even drive it..not that it matters since mommy actually had to nerve to tell me to let someone else drive with me..if im gonna get into an accident then at least give me the choice to not take anyone else down with me..anyway..i have to do my project, i ahve to find a job, i have to look at grad school stuff, i have to find my resume, i have to understand im not looking for a job without a car..i ahve to finish orietation stuff but i cant with a car..i have to tell ym teacher i cant go to the confrence..i have to go to dinner with my teacher..i have to take care of dusti..but that i dont mind, dusti makes me smile..i have to do stuff for mommy..i ahve to prepare to be in charge for thanksgiving and christmas..i have to get gifts..i have to go home and babysit..i have to make sure dusti has a place to be when im not around..i have to find my clothes..i have to cover my arms and my legs..i have to start paying more attention to money, i have to just pay attention in general to things im ignoring..i have to grow up and be responsible and do my job and stop expecting for janet or arran to save me from whatever it is i need to be saved from...now in all of that and then the stuff im not even remembering to have to do what is it that i want to do? want is a luxury im not allowed to really consider...my want limits are died and gone since i bought 2 movies week..and then it was 2 kids movies..i was emailing someone about the movies and it just kinda hit me..i didnt have movies as a kid..i might not remember any thing else but i know i didnt have movies..i could waste money on worse things than movies i guess..but what kids doesnt get movies for no other reason than to have them..its been mentioned that i have an inner child that i dont happen to ignore and its not that..not really..yea i like my movies and that should be all that matters..but things are never that easy..i dont have an age..ive decided my age is nonexistent..its possible to grow up without growing up..my teacher asked me the other day if i really understood how much i influence people..and of course i looked at her like she had lost her mind to ever even consider that and me in the same sentence...but she does and nothing i say changes her mind..i went to her grad class for like less than two hours and you would have thought the class was about me as much as i was highlighted on..embarrassing for me in so many ways but only dr bass gets away with it...jon asked me once if i would feel better if he told me bad stuff instead of all the good stuff i was constantly hearing over the summer and i told him yea..it wouldnt feel so weird if he told me everything i was doing wrong..but how often do you get into a place where you dont do anything wrong..where you talk and you know your listened to..completely and utterly listened to..like you finally belong somewhere and it was the most unexpected thing ever...i miss camp..i miss jim calling me a goddess..i miss hollice and bobbi jo hugging me..i miss talking to all of them..i miss the emptiness of being in the mountains..and the more i look for jobs the more i know i cant move now..as much as i would be willing to take a job in asheville i couldnt move..to many things left to do and i would have problems seperating completely from greenville dusti is good for company but one sided convos can only go so far..ok no where i take that would make it any better lol..just make me sound crazier ..so ill go on to something else...i just want to yell at myself to get a backbone and freaking stand up forever and that would be ok depending on who im talking too...ok no it doesnt apply..funny how impressions ppl have of me are so wrong..someone told me its good that i knew what i wanted ..i looked at her like she was crazy..all summer i was told i was confident and resposible and all this stuff i never would even consider but they saw it and the difference there was i didnt see how to not believe them..now im not there and i dont have to believe anything anymore..i dont have a bunch of kids ready to pounce on the smallest grain of self doubt they can find..now its just me and i do a better job than they could have ever done...guess ive had a lot of practice..so ill go on to something else...im not looking forward to the weekend..im not even really looking forward to the weekend after that and i know im going to see the lion king..that should make me happy and it doesnt anymore..just random spurts of excitement...to many other things to think about and work on..maybe when it gets closer it will be different..maybe once i know its really happening ill be able to be happy and it wont matter..

hmm i wonder if bj would share viacodin with me again..could be fun .....life goes on as long as i remember what im supposed to be doing..and theres always so such to do..maybe i do need to go home for a weekend just for the change of scenery..but that would be this weekend but for now not even that will be happening..once again i wait for nothing, no mommy, no car..dont know why i expected things to be different..stop expecting stuff..less to be disappointed over i guess..i should stop forgetting that..yep maybe ill turn that statement into a postcard or something..make millions and live forever

gotta love how things change...not going home..dont know why it was ever a stupid option anyway..stupid me

the coolest thing ever

the coolest thing ever that could possibly happen with the least amount of thought so happened today!!! i was in clinic minding my own business watching the docs get the botox stuff ready for kids who needed them..and they have to mix them up and once i got used to staring at them mixing it i was positive i could do it and ive seen it done like a million or 5 times..and i pay attention everytime the docs mix it and im there..and today i was watching and bored and i asked if i could mix it and the doc said yes and of course he was doing a million thigns at once and i didnt really believe he would let me do it..but then he brought all the stuff to the table and told the resident to to mix one and for me to mix one..and for the resident to explain/teach me as like a teaching thing for the resident!! i mixed botox!!! it was so cool and i didnt poke myself or anything and i followed all of the directions and everything..but my supervisor got incredibly nervous lol and made the doc stop me although i was doing fine :) she told me i was never allowed to do it again either but it was so cool while i got to do it my one and only time so far..know that ive done it i dont think ill need to ask again :P i really just wanted to try it cas it looked incredibly neat and i just wanted to play with the long needle too..but i did it and for like 5 mins i had everyone watching me and it didnt bother me at all since i was so focused on doing it correctly..then i got back to the office and told cindy and lousie and would have told the others at the staff mtg but janet so told me not to do that...for some reason i didnt clue in to that not all docs would be comfortable with a student handling stuff..but i followed everything like i was supposed to and didnt mess anything up so it worked out..i really think thats like one of the coolest things ive ever gotten to do in my incredibly depressing short life.at the same time i told one of the head docs at the clinic and he didnt have a problem with it :) so not worried aall and it was still cool and its prolly horrible english to say cool so many times in one entry! ok enough about that...im half watching the little mermaid right now and thats really nice too..and i went to coldstone without getting ice cream..and that took ever ounce of strength i could drag up..coldstone is seriously my favoritest palce in the world but after everything i ate today and i just couldnt get ice cream..i wasnt hungry either but walking into coldstone made me forget that andi just wanted ice cream..and i was annoyed at myself for not giving in and just getting some..the longer i set in there watching yvonne eat her ice cream and other ppl coming in and getting ice cream i was positive i would crack and hate myself for it..i stared at the ice cream looking compeletly depressed im guessing and i just wanted someone to feel sorry for me really and buy me ice cream..but nope..i lasted untell the guy walked in yelling about fresh french vanilla ice cream..and then i told yvonne we had to go..and we left and it was ok..still faintly sad i didnt get ice cream but ill get over it...how sad is it that im completely going this indepth about freaking ice cream?!! who cares so much...but anyway then we went to the grocery store and my unusual obssession started..but i didnt buy junk food..maybe not being hungry helped..maybe not being able to waste a lot of money on food helped i dont know..not a lot seemed really interesting today.. i once again got yogurt that ill have to force myself to eat..if it kills me and it prolly will..yogurt is just ugh..but anyway..one more thing to just choke down and get it over with...i found this pills..which so count as diet pills but they do stop the hungry feelings for short amts of time...for now ive only taken up to two a day and the limit is 3 so im following the directions and what not..hmm anyway..not to ramble about nothing...the chef in the little mermaid is so violent its funny

stupid stuff

all the school shootings are getting really depressing...everyday there is someone else who has been killed for some reason or someone just trying to make a point...i was watching heroes tonight and the news commercial came on and with the happiest voice she put that there was a murder today and that the weather was going to be sunny tomorrow in the same sentence..it was completely shocking in a stupid way because im sure its been done a million times before and i just never noticed it until tonight..there is a way they put news stories up and it just doesnt make sense right this minute..

forgetting

i didnt have to go to campus today for class since it was online and that was really good since i wasnt feeeling like going anywhere anyway..wimped out and didnt go to the bank..or do anything until yvonne asked if i needed to go anywhere..so i went to target and got a barbie movie..and yes i completely feel my age buying a barbie movie for myself..and im so buying the little mermaid tomorrow..so i might as well buy them all now and yell at myself to grow up later after i have them...mommy asked if i would come home this weekend coming up..dee needs a babysitter and suddenly yea thers someone to come and get me...trying not to consider everything that could ha ve happened since i can use the extra money thanks to losing a bunch last week..but anyway trying to figure out what ill have to do to go home..because i dont know if i can leave early or anything..prolly could but hmm dont know...and then of course i have to figure out what dusti will be doing while im not here...

i am talking more with yvonne about the usual stuff..went to hallmark and found end of the year/christmas gifts for janet and cindy for letting me work with them for a semester and i think they will like them..but at least that will be one less thing to worry about when it gets to december and ill have all this other stuff thrown at me..ive been forgetting stuff..i seriously cant remember if i took my vitamins this morning..i know ive been taking them but i dont have a real set idea as to when i last took them..and since i cant remember i dont want to just take more and its to late now anyway..as much as i want to say i did take them today and yesterday and the day before that i dont know..i dont remember what i did last week..and what i did over the weekend is just one big blur not counting going to the movies..what have i been doing with all of my time if i cant remember anything..like ok yes i wake up and go to work in the morning and then i come home and do what? everything is running together big time..

you say
saving jane

I've been calling and calling for you
But you answer and I shut my mouth
I've been searching and searching for you, but myself I don't want to be found.

You say I am
You say let go
You say believe
But it's not that easy for me
You say wait
You say right now
Don't you see your already one foot in the ground
You say

I've been wicked and wild and wrong and I've wondered the price of my shame.
I've been hiding my face for so long it's a wonder that you know my name.

You say come home
You say I'm here
You say there's some things you just can't control.
You say let me
You say believe
Why do you search for the answers you already know?
You say

I am the way
and the light and the truth
Don't be mislead by the flight of your youth.
Have faith in the things you can't see to believe.
what if you had faith in me?

You say rest here
This is your home.
Don't you see that you knew I was here all along?
You say

bored...

today has been slow..didnt really do anything..watched a movie..started another book without finishing the two others ive half way through..didnt really clean anything up..got antsy and took a half a bubble bath and then a shower...im not a fan of baths and so the bubbles entertain me enough to keep me sitting still for a little while at least...now im fixing dinner and waiting until its time to go to bed..theres nothing coming on that im dying to watch tonight so ill have to pick out a movie and be happy with that..the little mermaid comes out again this week..and im really cant wait for that..i have it all planned and somehow on tuesday ill make it to a store so that i can buy it!! i still want to get barbie and the dancing princesses a lot...but for sure im getting the little mermaid since ive been waiting for it for like forever. still no car for me and im just getting ready to tell mommy to stop wasting her time and wait until i go home for fall break..but then she will swear im being ungrateful and selfish and ill get yelled at but still wont have a car...if i dont have it by the 9th then ill have to start figuring out a way to make it to my appt...dont really know who to ask since i have no idea where its at anyway..i have an idea of the area but i really have no idea ...its not like im trying to be right or anything but im tired of waiting around for nothing..not that i had any way of going anywhere but i do spend all my time waiting for something thats not going to happen it seems..still feeling sick but im hoping ill be ok with that soon too..i dont have my class tomorrow and that makes me feel better..i juts really have to go to the bank so i can change money around in accounts before i have to pay anything off my reg one..so ill prolly do that tomorrow afternoon..depending on what time i wake up..but since i get paranoid so easily i may have to go early i nthe morning..i want to go and pick up some canvas's..ive been really wanting to paint but i noticed a lot of my paint things are empty..just more money to spend i guess..but ill have to see what i can get tomorrow if i can.. this morning i woke up and read a message about how hard it is to deal with what causes cutting and such..and i ran through my usual who cares thoughts but after that i thought about how tired i was of all of it...maybe you just have to get to the point where you dont see how things can get any worse and you just have to start dealing with all of it no matter what happens...i dont know what happens and im not really sure ill be able to handle anything but im tired of all of it staying in my head..it drives me crazy..i dont know though..i keep wondering why it is i cant figure what i want to do when i graduate...im guessing it prolly has something to do with not being able to get around the past...as i was thinking about the benefits of staring at the wall while i was in the tub earlier i started thinking about why i always do whats expected of me and what im told to do..why doesnt anyone ask me what i want to do? why dont i ask myself? why dont i listen to the people who do ask me what i want to do? gotta love questions i cant answer