saturday

since my other post got erased on me i havent felt much like writing much.. hmm today has been ok i guess..went to see the guardian with catrina and it was such a good movie!! the critics didnt know what they were talking about when they said it wasnt good..i would really like to see it again if i could. but yep a great movie and lots of action and im so joining the coast guards..and that would last for all of 5 mins before i started crying after the big coast guard guys yelled at me..or else i would just drown in the pool of like 8ft of water and yea fun to think about but prolly not gonna happen..kinda the same way ill never be in the mafia or be a vampire or become a firefighter or a wizard..and ok im thinking i need to lower the expectations of what i want to be...but its more fun coming up with random things to be and not just the normal everyday stuff..i got a new care bear from catrina and some other stuff too..its a little happy birthday care bear and its so cute :) so yes it was a good thing to juts get out of the house for a little while..wow has it really been like a month since ive done anything on a weekend? ive been more isolated than i thought or cared to notice i guess..just getting out of the house for a few hours makes a big difference and it gives me something to look forward too and then i dont spend as much time focusing on how screwed things are..

im not feeling good today though..im thinking all the random eating of whatever i happen to want is making me sick as heck..and i hate feeling like im going to throw up any minute when its not on purpose..im hoping ill feel a bit better tomorrow since im feeling gross right this minute..hmm but that will be changing soon to i guess..dont really know how yet though..all day ive been considering giving dusti a bath and i dont really want to except that its free entertainment..i keep thinking of how much dusti doesnt like it and that shoould be reason enough for me to not make her suffer just because i have nothing else to do..besides im working on getting dusti used to being around people and i would rather shes not mad at me for most of a day..then i wouldnt have anyone to keep my company and give me funny looks when im doing something i shouldnt do...so no bath for dusti for now

i now know that sratching my arm with a staple has very nice effects...i did it yesterday when i had to much free time at work and i was really not happy about things..the only drawback being i didnt realize how much it would swell in such a small amount of time..and i wasnt wearing long sleeves or anything and i spent the rest of the day hoping no one noticed my arm..because they were very obvious and i spent a lot of time at the nurses station yesterday..but i made it home without it being noticed and i woke up this morning and they were all gone...you cant notice anything but i can see where they were because there are little scabs going up my arm..but you would have to really look..i know i should be feeling something other than content when i talk about them but its like why should i care since i cant make huge scars with it..and they could really pass for cat scratches..someone would most likely wonder why in the heck i had a cat if she scratched me so much...but besides..i keep getting the feeling that im being used and i just dont want to see that as being true..i bought mommy a plane ticket yesterday..a plane ticket that cost almost 350 bucks..and she doesnt care at all..she said that i promised it to her and that it wouldnt be fair to ask nia or henry or even wayne to give me some of the money back..so i said ok i wont ask them to help..where in the heck does she think im supposed to be getting all of this extra money from when i dont have a job?? more mommy goes into things i wasnt expecting to buy than things i do buy..i ended up paying over 500 to get a car i still dont have...i wasnt supposed to pay for the car mommy told me a million times that she would handle it and that it was for me because i needed it for school..yea well ive been in school for almost a month and a half and still no car for me..i dont believe her anymore ..she says its not her fault and thats fine becaue i know its not but its fair for her to expect yvonne to keep driving me home to get a car that doesnt work..and i dont want her to do it again anyway..why keep wasting that much money on gas..mommy hasnt offered to give her gas money for taking me to work but she doesnt say anything and i dont mention that i give her gas money..no point in it really and its not like she would tell me to stop giving it to her anyway..i put a full tank of gas in my car the night i went to get it and im guessing it wont be full anymore buy the time i get it..if i dont have it by the 9th ill have to think of another way of getting to therapy..im glad its the 9th because then i have more time to figure it out if i have to..every weekend i wait and wait and wait because mommy says she will be bringing it to me..she said the mechanic would bring it to me..she said wayne or uncle clyde or tiffany would bring it to me..yet im still waiting and i dont have it..im getting a little sick of having to keep depending on other people to take me places ...not that i have this huge list of things i want to do but id rather i didnt have to ask or wait for someone else to get me or something..i waited two hours last week..over two hours one day for yvonne to come and pick me up..i know it wasnt her fault but its not fair to me either to be stuck at the hospital with no way of getting home..so anyway..mommy got her ticket out of me and i cant complain about it..depending on how you look at it i could be seen as the incredibly helpful daughter who gave her mom a trip to michigan for christmas..but it doesnt feel like that..i feel really stupid about the whole thing..and now that its been bought i see no reason to think about it anymore..but when i think about everything that i have to pay and the phone bill that henry keeps messing up i dont like spending so much money on a ticket that im not even using! i wanted to go to a conference and i could of paid for it but i cant now..i cant really pay for anything anymore..and i keep trying to add up how much extra money i need and things ive already been planning to do that i cant miss..and its just not looking great..of course when i think of what to cut out money wise food is always first on the list..and yet i love going to the grocery store...and i hate to think its so easy to give it up when i have too..i think of how much ill be spending on dusti and that will take up a good chunk of money that i just have to add in..its just hard for me to grasp that i wont be able to walk into the grocery store and buy whatever it is i want to..i guess tthat prolly has its good points to since im not supposed to really be eating so much junk food..mommy really wont be home for christmas with us...it will prolly just be me and nia and henry..and maybe wayne..sissy and her boys will come by..but thats prolly it..that means ill be cooking dinner again..ill prolly be cooking for thanksgiving too...im not looking forward to the holidays anymore..just more stress..the more i write the sadder i get but i guess if im writing im not cutting...ive gotten a horrible twitch in my eye..its so annoying and i did joke about it a lot with yvonne before but i never thought i would get one..i didnt really think it was even something that could happen..but my eyelid seriously jumps when i get nervous or scared or something..and when it happens it juts feels like my eye wants to close and i wont let it happen..when i mentioned it to yvonne she said it just meant my eye was tired and im just like no..cant be that cas it doesnt happen when im tired..

ive been saying things arent fair a lot lately..i dont know who im trying to blame but its not working whoever it is..i really want to blame someone for how rotten ive been feeling and theres no one there..just me as usual and i know a lot of it i should be responsible for and act my age about but i dont want to..blaming myself about somethings just doesnt have the same effect anymore..it doesnt make me feel better to blame myself if im doubting it was my fault in the first place..so i do the same old stuff but the blame just isnt there..i still say i deserve all of it..but could i deserve it in a less painful way? still im letting it all happen so maybe i should just go back to blaming myself completely and getting it over with

someone told me today from a group..so someone wrote and told me they admired me..and i of course didnt even know she was referring to me at first..but yea it was about me and i told her i had no idea what shes talking about..i cant even decide on what to wear in the morning without pulling half of my clothes out of the closet..im the most unsure person i know so how can someone waste there time admiring me?? i consider it lucky i havent managed to kill myself yet...once again tonight it was made glaringly obvious i dont know what i plann on doing with my life when i graduate. i really dont know and im really starting not to care..ive been asked so much im running out of things to make up ..why cant anyone just be happy with i dont know..and catrina works in career services and shes used to it but maybe if i say i dont know i really dont know..im stupid and im a slacker and i know that already

i think ill just head to bed since i dont have anything else to do

confused yet again

im having a bit of trouble fociusing on and remembering what i want to write..everytime i think of it all of it just leaves me head before i have the chance to write it down..i am still confused from this morning..i had my mid point evaluation and it went ok but i wasnt expecting to be asked what i thought my strengths and weaknesses were..i couldnt come up with more than 2 for either and that was after in depth thinking..i just didnt know what say.i didnt know what was ok to say and i didnt want to just start saying stuff they didnt need to hear..i tried to keep it as neutral as possiblew ithout giving anyway my dislike for myself to put it nicely..at the same i listened to them talk about me and how well im doing and it made me wonder what they are seeing that i cant see..how is it that people who just know me for what i show them see this completely controlled (in a good way), responsible and confideent person who is so sure of herself..and all i know is how screwed up i am..i just dont understand how the views can be so different when im just one person and not a good one at that..i do try sometimes to see what it is that makes me stand out for some people and not stand out for others and i dont know what the differences is..but as i wrote that i tried to think of who it is that saw me in a bad way..and if i dont count me that leaves only one..how is it that one person has so much of an affect over me in such a big way...i cant be sure of myself when i dont know what there is to be sure of..mommy let me know quite well this morning that she doesnt trust me..i cut this morning..not really bad but still i did ..i dont know how to get around to believeing what im being told when i know it will be taken away from me the second i really start to think im ok..i want to be ok because im getting tired of being so sad all the time..when im at work i try hard not to let what im thinking show..i pay attention and ask questions and work hard to hold eye contact..but when im out of that setting im back to normal.im back to doing the things i usualy do..i dont get why i cant just turn off my head and stopping yelling at myself when it hurts so much..besides im running out of ways to be mean..i liked cutting this morning and my only regret right now is that it doesnt hurt much anymore...the urge to fight is becoming one up hill battle i dont want to keep having to deal wtih..i was thinking today how disappointed ppl would be in me if anyone really knew just how suicidal i got at times...i dont know who i would tell if it became serious..i dont know what would be expected out of me if anyone knew..i dont like thinking im making someone mad at me for something im not great at controlling... i dont like not being able to trust myself..and i dont know when that started..i really want to say i juts dont care what happens and i know ill somehow make it graduation but im not sure..everyone keeps asking what im going to be with my life after i graduate and i dont know..i dont know what im suppsoed to be saying to make them think i have my life planned out from now until i die..i dont know what is expected of me or what im supposed to say to make things better for who ever is asking me..no one seems to understand that graduating and just graduating is a big enough deal and stressor without adding on anything extra..everyone thinks i have this great plan that im hiding and not talking about when i dont..i cant make a plan like that when sometimes it takes all of my energy to make myself get out of bed and do what im supposed to do without trying to walk into traffic for the heck of it..how many times will i have to say some stupid story of plans that im making up as i go along to make it seem like i know what im doing..what is it that gives people the idea that im so confident and put together when i dont know what it is exactly that keeps me alive..i dont know how the gap what whats true and whats not got to be so big..im surrounded by people who tell me more good things than i ever deserve to hear but i cant listen to any of them because im juts stuck in the middle with mommy completely surrounding me..refusing to let me go..i think ill die trapped..i dont see exactly how it is ill be getting out of this one in one piece..and i dont think i can break anymore

hmmm

i want a superpower..like a good one but not flying..i watched the season opening for heros and it looks like a really good story line..i might have to watch it and see how much i caught up into it..but still i want a super power maybe i could handle being like rouge and be able to pull powers from other super heros or like storm and control the weather..ok controlling the weather has its good points and i could so live in the safest places possible if i can keep it a temp i like for forever ..but ok enough about super powers ill never ever ever get..hmm went to campus with yvonne and hung out in the lab while she took her test and then we went to the grocery store...i mostly got juice and water and diet soda because im not really feeling much like eating these days..im guessing that will change to soon but for now its not high on the list of things i want to do..im nervous about dr bunch coming and doing her evaluation tomorrow morning ...i know i shouldnt be scared but i am..i know i wont hear anything bad but that might chnge..maybe ive forgotten something bad ive done..maybe im not doing a good job..everything is a maybe and nothing is definite..and i dont know what will happen and im erally not liking that...im trying to think of every possible thing that could go wrong so i wont be surprised...hmm ok deep breath and calm down..everything will be fine and im just over reacting as usual...

i did have something else to write about but i cant collect my thoughts right now ..

influences

just how much do i influnce people? i never would have even thought it was possible..but of course i was hanging around dr bass today and we were ttalking about something and she got onto how much of a good influence i am..and when i tried to deny it she asked me about harris and how much he likes/talks to me..she asked me about tyler and the fact that i would have kept him if it had been possible..she said that i was an influence on her but i dont understand how thats possible when i havent done anything..she said that it wasnt a matter of what i did as long as i was myself..but thats kinda hard if i dont know who i am..what does it take to be an influence on someone? i wouldnt consider it possbile for me just because of how i view myself and what i think about myself and having someone else say im an influence just completely goes over my head..i always think that i have to do something to be noticed and sometimes that doesnt seem to be the case..im not a teacher or anyone special and so i just dont get how it is someone else can see me as an influence when i cant see myself as one..i do everything possible to not be noticed and dr bass makes a point to notice me and praise me for something every time she sees me..i went to her class today because i was afraid to go home..i didnt know what i would want to do and the desire to cut just hasnt died yet..so i didnt want to go home and instead i went to her office and just hung out like i do every monday until she had to go to class..and then i decided i would go to her class with her and actually stay today..since it was human behavior i didnt mind sitting through it since i like the topic anyway..but its a grad level class and i was just planning on sitting in the back and minding my own business and being quiet..but that didnt happen..dr bass made it a point to let everyone know i was there and to talk about me and what ive done..im not a fan of listening to someone talk about me even if it is all good stuff..its embarrassing because then i am the focus of everyone for a little while and i didnt want to be noticed to begin with..but i did the group exercise anyway because i wanted to know what it would be like and what they would say about things that make them uncomfortable and what ways could they come up with to talk about subjects with clients that tehy didnt really understand..and given before class dr bass did tell me these werent all social work students but i swear they should have known a bit more than they did..i was in calss for about an hour an da half before she let them go and i just didnt get a good feel for what they were about..i dont have a great picture of what im uncomfortable with talking about but i have some ideas ..and these ppl in class just didnt know what to do with themselves..some of them yea but the majority just didnt know and i tried to offer my opionions when i could not that they mattered much but i did try..and its werid being in a class of grad students and wanting to tell them to open there eyes and look around..being afraid of something just doesnt make it go away..it was hard sitting in that class and listening to them discuss abuse but not really saying anything about it...more than once someone asked about if there were degrees to the severity of abuse and i wanted to yell at her...im sorry but i dont consider getting hit once any worse than getting hit every day for a year..it doesnt matter how often it happens..once can be enough to destroy anyone..and i dont see how you can give an abuser the benefit of doubt and say that you are sure it will only happen once..no if it happens once it will happen again and it doesnt matter how many apoligizes you get inbetween..at least as an adult and in a relationship you do get apoligies..you arent that lucky as a kid..you take what you get and most of the time its not a sorry..but as an adult you have the abilty to understand more i guess..you can believe what your told or not its your choice..as a kids you just get all this stuff thrown at you without any explaniations and you just come to teh conclusion that its your fault because you dont have the option of hearing otherwise..what are you supposed to think? why in the world would you blame your parents for something that you are getting in trouble for if it makes sense or not? and who would listen to you anyway? today more than any other time i was very glad i didnt get placed in dss..it would have killed me..and maybe its a good thing i do know that ..because if i know what i cant handle then i have a better chance of staying away from it..and maybe in the future that will change but for now i know i wouldnt have done well being placed there..it wouldnt have worked and i would have a lot of trouble keeping past and present seperatedlli have enough trouble with that now and i dont need anything to make it worse..im barely keeping myself in a neutral zone and im doing ok i guess..not incredibly suicidal or anything but it wont take much to change that and i know that already..i know when not to stay alone and i didnt..besides yvonne was home today when i got home and now im on campus in the lab..so im not going to be alone anymore than that..good for i guess..less of a chance ill do something stupid..but i thoguht it was interesting that dr bass has more hope for child abusers to get help and change than dv abusers to get help and change..maybe its easier and maybe its not ..parents can be taught to be better parents but adults cant be taught to be better husbands and wives..so i guess it makes sense..is it really true that people who swear to never hit there kids because they were hit as a kid dont stick to it? i say i dont want to have kids but i never really say why..im afraid that if i do have kids ill just be horrible to them and make them hate me..it doesnt seem fair and if i can stop it i will..i dont want to be responsible for ruining some kids live just because i cant figure out how to control myself..and if you grow up to be like your mom then i might as well go ahead and kill myself so i know it wouldnt happen..i would rather be dead than to know ill be like mommy..i want to go to this conference in oct..its about kids and when i first saw the brochure thing it got my attention and i looked at the brochure like 10 times before i even noticed that there would be a talk on self injury..and that really made me want to go..ive never heard anyone else talk about it and i want to hear it..i want to see the reactions to it..i want to go ..and i was fine with it until last week when suddenly going and knowing i would be by myself just didnt seem so good..knowing that i will be sitting through or trying to sit through a talk on s/i without making any outward reactions to what was going on around me..it makes me nervous now..because i dont know what will be said and i dont know how i will react..i was sitting in dr bass's class today and i just felt so sick of hiding and i really wanted them to talk about mental illness..i brought it up in the group i was in and they didnt pick it..im sick of no one really understanding what its aabout..and i know things wont change until ppl start talking about it..until i start talking about it..but how do you even begin to bring up a convo like that? how can you trust that people wont react in a bad way and that ill still be treated the same? it doesnt seem fair that to make things known you have to understand the risk of having things change completely for you..and i dont like that..i dont like it at all and that makes me afraid to bring it up when i really want too..i want to hear it talked about and i dont know how or even how much i can handle listening to..but ive never had the oppurtunity to hear anything either..not that im going to volunteer information but maybe i could just make things a little clearer or something without giving anything away..it is hard doing something that really isnt understood at all..because it is hard feeling so lonely about something that everyone says you dont need to be ashamed of..hmm does anyone really say that? i know some people do accept what they do and arent ashamed of the scars but because i am still incredibly ashamed of them and why i have them im not sure ill be much help to anyone...maybe ill get there one day and make some huge difference but for now id prefer to just stay invisible and pretend i have no idea what happened to me or why im such a screw up..but pretending doesnt make it go away either...pretending only gets me to the point of being afraid to go to sleep at night because i dont know what triggers dreams i would rather not have..i keep thinking about going back to camp and what was so different there? why did i feel so safe and accepted there? and why cant i get that here?

write write write

hmm dont know where my head is at right now..i wanted to purge i did but it hurt so much i couldnt...why in the world couldnt i do it ?? i do it all the time and today it didnt work..it makes me so upset because i wanted it regardless of the pain..i shouldnt be upset over something like this..i should have just been fine with understanding that maybe my body just didnt let me throw up..and its still bothering me..but its too late to purge now..and iw as just watching tv and laying on the floor and i just started thinking about cutting..and now i want that pain more.. if one doesnt work try another..i cant juts do nothing..and so i actually remembered some of the things im supposed to try..umm not really talking to anyone but im writing so thats something..its not killing the urge though..i think im just making it worse..i dont want to talk to anyone..i want to be left alone so this is as good as it gets..maybe ill go hide in the bathroom or something and hope the feeling will pass..maybe i need to find something else to clean up or color again..i just want to keep my mind off of things for a while..i keep seeing my arm completely ruined, i keep seeing myself covering my arm becuase of what ive done to it and it wasnt good at all..i dont want to do what i keep looking at in my head...i dont

ethical issues and such

im watching strong medicine and its actually one i havent seen before but it brought up the issue of force feeding...the story line being this is an adult woman who has every right to choose not to eat or drink anything to make a statement..but the doctors just take her and put her in the hospital to force feed her..and ive never really conisdered the issue at all..so if it was me and i was choosing not to eat or drink for whatever reason would i allow any one to put me in the hospital..i just know i wouldnt let it go that easily and i would pull the ivs out..it makes me think that if someone is making me stay alive when i didnt want it then thats not fair..but then i guess if they went as far to put me in the hospital it would be safe to assume they could do other things to make me stop pulling the iv lines out..short of just flat out leaving me alone or strapping me down or putting me in jail...but i know enough to knnow that all of my wonderful little medical rights can be taken away awfully easy if its pretty clear im not doing the right thing...and anyway i think about it i dont see how its fair to me if i made the choice but no one would let me finish it...if i ever got to the point of giving myself a slow death then i dont think i would want help anymore...but how much would i fight for something that would kill me?

is suicide an ethical issue? i know you are bound by law as a doc to report it or tell someone if its a serious threat but i how ethical is it? i know you should take all suicide threats seriously becuase you never know but if a person tells someone like a doc or a teacher then they are looking for help and then the choice is taken out of there hands..but what about if they tell someone and they dont get help in time? would that suddenly become the fault of the doctor for not helping fast enough? hmm doctors do have to take the blame for a lot of stuff..and i wouldnt want that to happen because it doesnt seem fair..guess thats why i forever say no when im asked..doesnt really matter if i had a plan or not but i keep saying no more as a protection thing..i think ive only told one person flat out that i was suicidal and i dont remember how we got on it but because i was talking with her online she had limited options...she didnt threathen to call the cops on me or anything but she talked me into calling arran and leaving a message since all of my weirdness happens on weekends that im by myself..and since in all the times ive seen arran ive only called her twice i think through no fault ofo my own and i wasnt really planning anything i dont think...just not really completely safe left to my own devices..but i really wouldnt want her or anyone to blame themselves for something i did and knew what iw as doing but didnt tell anyone..so blame would just be mine..i think i think i should stop trying to think about so many different things at once...

my arms are really sore today..dont really know why..sometimes when i start really purging random muscles start really hurting..and its been a hassle because everytime i sit still and stop moving for a while and then reach for something or just move my arms makes me want to cry because it hurts to much..i try to ignore it and not complain and it helps that im here by myself..i have to keep telling myself that it doesnt matter..i ahve to keep reminding myself that its my fault it happened in the first place..i didnt do anything yesterday that owuld make my arms hurt so much..i dont know what could have caused it except purging..but i dont get it...i did eat this morning and this afternoon without purging..but i also have every intention of fixing and eating dinner but i dont know if ill talk myself out of purging afterwards..but anyway..ive been noticing lately that im forever walking around with my shoulders really tight..kinda hard to explain but i have to tell myself to relax my shoulders and i feel better but then i get nervous or anxious again and my shoulders refuse to relax without concious effort..i guess i never really noticed it before and i dont know how to get it to stop permanently..i spend a lot of time reminding myself to just relax because there is nothing to worry about most of the time..i think im just mixing everything up right now..

thinking

hte past couple days i was feeling really okay..not really incredibly happy but ok with the way things were going..i didnt b/p at all on my birthday..ate a bunch of junk but i didnt purge any of it..ok so ive made up for not doing it but sitll i was feeling ok..things are going fine at the hospital, janet told me i was doing a good job and that i was holding my own with what i was doing..it didnt bother me when she told me..i liked being told and i was proud of myself for sticking with all the sucky reasearch i got stuckk with doing and feeling so dejected when i couldnt find the info i wanted..but still i found more than the parents already had and when i had to talk to them about it they where very grateful for what i had found. im the oen with the time to go and really research things because there are limits to waht i have to do..the expectations are different for me..but they thanked me and i didnt think to question if they meant it or not because i know they did. i know janet meant it when she told me i was doing a good job..i know she didnt make up stuff when she fillled out the checklist that i have to turn in on monday to dr bunch..im doing better than i thought i would working there..i like being the hosppital and i like feeling included in everything even if i dont always know whats being talked about..im not feeling like such an outsider at the meetings and im trying hard to get over my weird phone phobia..im starting to feel like i belong there and i dont stand out much anymore being new..the badge thing still hasnt gotten old and i really like getting the doors to open. i didnt mind when dorthy told me i was special after i was started talking about why badging in and opening the doors was a lot of fun and made me feel important..because i could just walk around and use the reg door but i dont want to..janet lets me use my badge when we get back from clinic because i still find it a lot of fun and she doesnt really notice it anymore..its a bummer that i have to give my badge back when my internship is over. i like hearing that im not a completely sucky person..i like finding out that i can do more than i thought i could even if im not the most talkative. i love hanging out with the nurses and being able to just walk around and say hi to the parents on the peds floor. it is different than anything ive ever done. oh weird is it for me to just all of sudden think im okay sometimes...i still wish i would die but i dont know..maybe i ujst know i wont try now..things are just things and i dont have to be on edge all the time if i dont want to..i dont know how to keep the quietness in my head and i really really want to..im sick of forever wishing i would go away when i know i cant go anywhere..i dont know where i keep wanting to go but i havent found it yet so maybe it doesnt exist? i cant get to some place that doesnt exist so if i stopped trying what would happen? what would my actual purpose be if im not looking for some way to die or some where to go where things are creepily normal and perfect..really is it so much to ask to be perfect? but when i think about what it takes to be perfect im not sure i want it anymore..i could say i juts wnat ot be me but i have no idea what that means..i spend to much time trying to be the oerson everyone wants me to be and it takes a lot of energy..i dont have time to go back and try to figure out what it was that i wanted in the first place..all i know is a million ways to hurt but not really any set ways to not hurt..i make things worse for me than they have to be and i dont know where that drive comes from..if i could make a business out of being mean to myself id be rich and dead..and even in this lull of sadness im still afraid that i will manage to kill myself when i dont really want to die..not that life is looking incredibly great or anything right now but i dont really want to go anywhere..i think..but im still afraid i will kill myself and not like cutting my wrists death either..ive been purging a decent amount lately..moreso when im home by myself on the weekends but i cant help but think of when i purged so much it hurt to breathe, i dont know what or how i managed to make it hurt so much and im guessing i just bruised or pulled something that wasnt meant to be pulled but it hurt like heck for a few days..yet i still do it..when that happened i did stopped for a good while but now im back to doing it again and maybe its juts because im trying hard not to cut or maybe i just want to do something that i think i can hide forever..but what happens if i keep doing it without my usual breaks..does that count as making it worse? and if i just somehow stopped cutting completely does that count as being cured and does it mean that i dont have to talk about what made me do it in the first place? for some reason i dont think arran would let me off that easy and i dont think ill stop just like that either..no matter what i try to make myself believe its not that easy. its hard understanding that i am killing myself at an incredibly slow pace..i dont want to think i have an ed i just have problems with food..yea and the sky could be purple tomorrow..i dont want to admit to having an ed because that feels incredibly wrong and bad..so does admitting to cutting..its like im flawed in some huge way that cant be fixed at all once i admit to any of it..ill forever be looked at as being the weird one..yet im so sick of all it i just dont really know how to stop..i think id die if i just stopped doing the things that got my mind off of life in general..even though sitting here with a huge headache from purging im still half planning to purge again later if i eat again..im planning on purging for an indefinite amoumt of time..cutting wont kill me because i can control that..purging though..purging could very easily kill me without me realizing it in time...and as much as i dont want to care i do..if i somehow make it into my 30s what will have happened to my body by then..i hate not being able to wear what i want to..i hate having to forever pull at my shirts that i wear to work to make sure they are falling down and showing the scars on my chest..i should just slap myself for cutting there in the first place..i dont know what iwas thinking when i did it but now it gets in the way...it was never a problem until i started getting shirts that were cut funny and i realized that the scars on my chest were more noticable than i thought they were..now i dont like them..the same way i dont like the scars on my arms because i cant wear the dress i really want to wear..i want to i dont know..if i could start over i dont know if i would stop any of it..id just be more careful with it..and that doesnt make sense ..if i dont like them so much why wouldnt my first thought be to go back and never start? but i dont think i would be the same person if i had never started..i wouldnt have had a middle ground between life and death and then i would have been dead before i graduated high school..and then i would have never met any of the people i know now..things would have been a lot different i guess..i want to make an appt to see valerie again before i graduate...i feel like i just need to let her know that im actually graduating..i want her to know that i managed from when she first saw me as a freshmen..maybbe its a closure thing but i still want to do it. and so i will eventually..i dont know how ill say goodbye to prof dunn and dr bass when i graduate...i hate having to say goodbye to them..i think i almost stopped breathing when arran brought up seeing me every week...i can laugh at it now because its not the first time ive heard it and i did art therapy weekly but that was different..i liked art therapy a lot more than reg therapy..i didnt have a problem with the weekly thing with that..besides it was really cool going at the same time every week and that helped some too..but reg therapy was on a random every two week basis and still is..kinda but i liked it because it gave me enough time to get out of talking about a lot of stuff..ohw different am i now compared to when i first started out like forever ago? but now that ive thought about it alot and got annoyed at myself for getting so sca red when i didnt have to agree to anything i guess ill just have to see how it goes..its not comforting at all to know that i have no clear idea when ill be able to get out of therapy completely..i know that i can stop when ever i want to since i would juts have t ostop going but for some reason not going isnt an option..for as much as i dont talk i have a lot to say i just dont know how to say it..i always go with something to say but never get around to saying it..i cant get pass the easy obvious stuff and im to scared to even get into anything else..but im really afraid that if i did talk myself out of therapy completely then i would end up killing myself because it would be different knowing im alone..once i graduate the little contract i have with the school wont matter any more..but even with that contract it wasnt a huge issue..i could have lied about all of it and not been going to therapy and i didnt..i consider what they think of me very important..and even when i wanted to lie and had the whole speech planned out i didnt do it..maybe i am horrible at lying about somethings..somethings i lie about without really thinking about it..like where the scars on my arm came from comes to mind..and my wonderful fake car accident works really well but its still a lie...but all the times ive hated someone else getting me to go to therapy the choice has always been mine with whether i want to keep going..and i keep going because it gives me something new to think about during the week..i remember more than i give myself credit for yet again..some of it helps other people..some of it i juts analyze over and over until im lost and cant figure out what im thinking about...i saw on a tv show how a girl had to go to therapy but she refused to face the doc..they both looked at oppisite walls and since technically speaking the sessions are mine and i spend a lot of time looking at everything but arran i dont see how just flat out facing the wall would make much difference..but then i guess she cant gauge some of my reactions either..funny i actually look at her when she asks me to most of the time but not for long..i just get nervous really easily and i dont like being watched at all..it always feels like someone is watching me..and i wonder why i dont like eating in front of ppl..ok i guess ive rambled on about everything and nothing for long enough...

ok

went shopping today and got a new outfit and a half lol..well one full outfit and just another shirt..but fairly dressy so i can use them for work...im really missing wearing jeans though..jeans and tshirts will always be my favorite clothes i think...so went shopping and got clothes from mommy for my birthday...got a new pillow too..but i just got that because i saw it a while ago and couldnt get it until now...but its not like a pillow you sleep on or anything ..it says ..to thine own self be nice..it got my attention the first time i saw it and i figure it i look at it enough ill start to believe it...maybe...but anyway..i do like it and now i have it..hmm yvonne decided that we will go to raliegh for my bday present from her and go to build a bear and that had some imnput from me of course..but its cool since i really like build a bear and yvonne buying one for me works just as well... so i dont know but anyway this morning i told linda tomorrow was my birthday and she asked how old iwas going to be and of course i said 23 because age isnt that big of a deal ..but she told me that i acted a lot older than i was and that it wasnt a bad thing ..and it surprised me when she said it but it didnt upset me..it was the oppisite..maybe i was proud of myself for not seeming childish..but when im with janet and cindy im a dork and talk about cartoons all the time..but i dont think they see me as childish..they told me a few times that i am very mature...and i dont know..it makes me think of what doug told me while we were on the hike..out of no where he just turns around and tells me that he likes me because i act older than i am but my real age still comes out sometimes..shocked the heck out of me because this is from an 11 yr old that has just been horrible on the hike and he says that to me wwhen im feeling so crummy and everything and wondering why i was talked into going to camp..and when he told me i juts felt so good for a while..thinking about it still makes me smile and wonder what is it that people really do see in me..maybe im not as horrible as i like to think i am..quiet yes..screwed up sure..but not bad or evil or anything..maybe i need to rethink how i see myself in a serious way..i dont know..but all today i kept thinking about my birthday and being happy about it in small ways..i told a lot of people..i let yvonne know what i wanted to do..i picked where i want to go for lunch..which reminds me that the supervisor for the case managers told me that something i said was cute..and that didnt even bother me..but i had invited her to come and have ice cream with us and she said she didnt need ice cream and i told her where we were going and she said that she didnt know they served like lunch food..and of course i told her they didnt and i was like happy and completely not caring when i said it but maybe she saw that..but im starting to feel safe with all of them..they include me ..sure i dont understand a big part of what goes on with like medical talk and staff stuff from before i got there but they include me all the same..ask how im doing and what im doing..not that i really have much to say but they listen and pay attention to me..how weird the way things change without realizing it..im working hard at getting more comforatble tlaking on the phone..i dont know really why idont like it so much but i dont and its really hard knowing that i have to and that im expected to use the phone all the time when i dont like it..im trying hard to talk more and be myself and i dont think ill ever be the most talkative but at least im not nearly as quiet as i was in the beginning..it will be dec before im like completely comfy lol..go figure..so right now im focusing on not b/p tomorrow..i tried not to today but it was my choice and ill have to live with it ...but ill try harder tomorrow..hmm im feeling better today..enough for it to be noticable i think..yvonne doesnt like that i keep calling her soccer mom..and i will keep doing it if she keeps doing the arm save in the car on me whenever she makes sudden stops and things..kids or not the soccer mom names sticks..and if nothing else its completely funny for me and no matter what she says she cant explain herself out of it..this one is mine and ill keep it going for a little while..im trying not to be completely childish about tomorrow..and i told yvonne tongiht that i want peach vodka..and yes i will got to work completely sick if i do end up drinking tomorrow..no sense missing work cas i was a dork and didnt bother controlling myself..i told her cake and vodka went well together..and yes ill spend a small fortune on alcohol if its for something fun..but i dont have anything planned for tomorrow..im not expecting anything big so it will in a sense be just another day..but maybe it will be more than that too...

i think i write to much...im a horrible roommate..i try to be happy and talk to yvonne because i feel like i should but i can never think of anything t oasay anymore..i dont know what to say and i dont know how to step into her life and see whats going on..i forget to ask what things have been like for her when i ignore really answering when she asks how my day is..its not fair for me to be so rude to her when shes just being nice and driving me all over the place..but im just not in the mood for small talk..there is always something on my mind that i just have to think about or worry about or figure out..i have to find the answers to everything and i dont seem to be able to find the answers to any of it..instead i just keep making myself feel so lost and alone that its depressing...i almost wish i wasnt constantly pushing away help.i dont know how to accept it for what it is..to much guilt to do that in an ok way..instead ill just keep pretending..i just keep watching myself fall apart without anyone seeing it..im guessing the only reason i know is because im constantly writing and analyzing and everything..i wish i could ignore all of it and just pretend its not there but i cant..it drives me drazy eitiher way so i dont see how it makes for an easier thing to deal with..im not happy with myself right now...i wasnt able to purge what i had for dinner...we went out to eat and purging just wasnt working at all there..and i could try now but it would be a waste of time..i was so disappointed in myself for not doing it when i really wanted to..but im afraid of really purging in a place that public..it could be done but not tonight...i guess overall i could have done worse today..and i shouldnt be so mean to myself but i dont care..all weekend all i thought of was purging and for now purging gets my head off of cutting..but i dont know how long that will last at all..so i dont know..yvonne hasnt forgotten my birthday..i dont know what shes planning and that does make me nervous..and like jenny said no matter how much i pretend i dont have a birthday..i do want it to be a good one..i just want to be noticed for one day..i dont want to worry about anything for a day..im not expecting huge gifts or anything minus what ive ordered for myself but still..i dont want a lot but i dont want to feel forgotten either..just one day of being noticed and not having to get hurt in the process isnt that much to ask for i dont think..i dont expect anything of my birthday because then it lessens the chances i will be disappointed if i dont get anything..i can make myself a cake if thats what it comes down to..i dont care ..i know that im not incredibly important or anything but still a good day after all of this wouldnt be to omuch to ask for ..

....

i want to wear the dress yvonne let me try on..the closer it gets to my birthday the more i want to wear it and go out..wiht a jacket of course but i want to wear it so much i want to cry..i dont have any reason to wear it and i dont know why i want to wear it so so much but i do..its depressing knowing ill never be able to wear any nice dress or anything because of what ive done...i want to be normal and im not..i dont understand..i dont understand why im so s cared..and why i dont know how to let it go..i dont understand why it has to hurt so much when its something ive brought on myself..its my fault and i dont get any of it..its not fair

confused

i want someone to explain what the real definition of abuse is..i already know whats in books and what ive learned in class but that doesnt make it any easier to understand right now..i want to play stupid for a little while and have it all explained to me in the easiest way possible..someone should write a book about it..all the theories and definitions dont mean anything anymore..even if i want to play stupid i know how all of it works and i know all of it but i still dont seem to be getting it...i also want to know what the real difference is in being raped vs being molested..ok that one i really dont know and i dont know why i even what to know what the seperation is..but it just feels really important right now..i know what the situation is im thinking of right now and i dont know why im even thinking of it...but if the deciding factor is wheter they resisted or not then it would make the whole thing seem really stupid..if thats all the difference is though how in the world am i not supposed to blame myself..it kinda sucks because i dont know how to explain any of it..i try hard to remember and i cant..i want to know i think but then i completely deny all of it..ive looked at this for almost two hours now and still i cant figure out what i want to say or ask or figure out..

ramblings of a sleepy head

hmm havent written today...funny because i kept thinking i had and then never got around to checking..i have a headache right now but i wont complain about it..ill just go to bed and see if ill forget anything ive done today...i did finally get around to cleaning the kitchen but i didnt do laundry..so ill ahve to do that tomorrow after i finish with classes and seeing my teacher but after that i shouldnt put off doing laundry anymore..its not funny how many clothes i have all overthe floor becausae im to tired or bored or lazy to hang them up..all the same ill do them tomorrow one way or another.. yvonne hasnt gotten back yet and im trying not to wrry..as much as i like having the house to myself i hate how responsible it makes me feel for making sure everything is cleaned up...i dont have the time during the week and yvonne doesnt do it ..and i know i dont have to clean up more than i want to but its just that im here all weekend and not doing anything so why shouldnt i clean up? one of my weird habits..kinda like i expect mommy to just drop by any day and i have to have everything put away or i will be in trouble..i actually figureed out that i slept in till almost 9 for two days! that is a really big deal actually considering most days im up by 7..so maybe my body will stop hating me so much..but then that means i cant b/p with breakfast if im taking the vitamins..they are gross enough going down and i dont want to have them coming back up..so no purging breakfast but everything else is fair game...and mi sure that once my headache is gone and im not feeling so sick ill see how stupid that all is..but for now it doesnt bother me in the slightest way..i just keep thinking how different things would be if someone really knew how much i b/p'ed..or that i did it period..someone fiinding out worries me a lot and not counting the day i purged with yvonne here i dont make a habit of doing it around anyone..i have such stupid thoughts sometimes about the most off the wall things..i still havent accepted anything i do..and for some reason i dont think ill get very far in anything until i do..i have issues and ignoring them just doesnt make them go away no matter how much i want them too..but i dont know how to accept anything i keep fighting so hard to ignore..if i accept themm then am i making them ok?

finding old stuff

i dont know what made me go and look at healthboards again...i havent been there for almost a year..and maybe havent posted for longer than that ..i dont know why i sotpped going but i did...i think the people i was used to stopped writing and then we just kinda all lost touch... i remember when they started the s/i board on healthboards..i was there and i lived for that board because i didnt feel so bad for everything because i wasnt alone there..its werid that it doesnt feel like that anymore..there are to many new people..and i think it got to the point that for a while all anyone wanted to know was how to get rid of scars and itwas annoying...but i looked at the board posts like from three/four years ago and i really do miss all of the people who were on the baords then..i only talk to one of the girls from then and everyone else i have no idea what happened to them...looking at what i wrote then and what i do now..its kinda the same but its different too...ive calmed down a lot more than i thought i did..i dont cut every day anymore..i burn now though..but still not everyday...maybe im just better at controlling it ..i dont know..i dont see how im really different but other people do and it doesnt make sense..how come i cant see it and know that im different..it was hard going back and looking because it seems like it was so long ago... maybe i have grown up some...but if im doing the same things then maybe i havent? or maybe this is one of those things im just looking way to deeply into..suddenly im just feeling really lonely and alone at the same time..its hard doing this when its so easy to just stop talking to people for whatever reason and then one day like 3 years later remembering them but having no way to talk to them...sometimes the internet is not all its cracked up to be..


old quotes i found on the boards..most from me though


'im not really me unless im pretending to be someone else'

This isnt a perfect world, people do get hurt.. you smile when you feel like crying.. you act like your okay when your falling apart inside.. and you let it go..

"Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked. Do not assume that everybody who smiles is happy."

When will people understand that words can cut as sharply as any blade, and that those cuts leave scars upon our souls."

"...to be abnormal is to be detested."

nothing thrilling

already im sick of the weekend, im not doing anything...i started reading the bell jar because i havent read it yet and i was looking for something new to read from yvonnes shelf..so that one got my attention and ive half seen the movie so i might as well read the book...ive been watching a bunch of movies today..all kinda sad but there good..right now i have one of the dance dvds playing on repeat so i can hear one of the songs..i keep looking around at all the other stuff i could be doing and yet im still here writing...ive written so much lately i would think i dont have anything left to say..but instead i have a million things to say and putting them here is the only way that gets things out of my head..i wonder if i keep writing about the same stuff..i guess i kinda am but i dont go back and read any of it to much unless im looking for something..its kinda depressing what i write sometimes and i write it so i can forget it...but if its all being saved i guess i wont be forgettting either...talked to mommy this morning and im getting clothes for my birthday..i get to go shopping and pick them out and ill prolly go on wed just to have something nice to wear on my birthday since all of my clothes are starting to annoy me anyway..i dont know why considering i have a million things in my closet and dont even wear half of them..im forever getting new clothes and never wearing them..because after i get them i dont really like them anymore..a person could shop in my closets and i wouldnt miss anything..yvonne did shop in them for a while and she didnt understand why i dont wear most of my clothes..i dont even know why i dont..i dont know why im obssessed with the grocery store either..i want to blame it on my incredibily not good eating habits that come and go but im not sure..when i ask other people with an ed online they can understand it and i dont feel like such a weirdo..but most normal people dont really like the grocery store much..maybe im just weird and i should stop trying so hard to stop it...something about being different isnt such a bad thing comes to mind but really i dont want to be different..i want to be the same as everyone else..but thats stupid since everyone has there own problems and dont want to have to deal with anything more than i already am...i try hard not to deal with what i have so i wont start asking for more...but then i guess i do deal with other peoples problems a lot better than i deal with my own..its so much easier looking at whats going on with someone else instead of looking at what im dealing with..if i dont look at it then i dont have to dealwith it..if only it was that easy to escape things life wouldnt be so hard..i still have to deal with myself everyday and im not good at it a lot ofthe time..i dont know whats bothering so much lately and i dont know why it seems like there is a dark cloud just hanging over me all the time...im not at all excited about my birthday and even though im trying hard to be its just not working out...mommy is all busy planning grannys birthday party for next weekend and i was told last week that ill be expected to be home for it and so of course im going..today when i talk to mommy i find out exactly what ill have to wear and to invite yvonne to come along...and i did tell yvonne about it but im hoping she has plans ... yvonne doesnt do well with mommy and sometimes it is nice having someone stick up for me but even that is short lived because i know mommy and if she wants to get at you she will..company or not it doesnt matter..and if yvonne is around mommy for to long i think she might go crazy...so my saturday is kinda booked..not that i would ever let anyone throw me a party because there is no one to invite it would ahave been nice to be asked what i wanted..i dont really know what i wanted and im not expecting a lot because its just me and it is the waste of a full day to have every focused on me..so maybe it is good that no one will remember..minus yvonne and janet and cindy cas i see them almost ev eryday and i wrote it on janets calendar and everything..i asked cindy for a musical number since she will be out on my birthday and she said no of course but it was fun..i think not having her in the office for almost a week will be boring in a way..but janet keeps me laughing too so it will be fine...besides it will a busy week without cindy there and we will have her patients plus ours..but ill like the busy part..less time to think about me but now that im bored wtih writing ill move on to cleaning up some

death

is it possible to live forever? everyone has to die at some point but im not really sure if i want to die or not..it changes to much and but the option is always there like i can convince myself to die if things get that much out of hand..and if it worked then what? what will happen to nia and henry or riley and harris..and the other kids who i know and play with and i know people are affected differently and i forgot who told me that it doesnt matter if you have even met someone once becuase it will still affect them anyway..prolly arran at a time when i wasnt really listening directly..but someone told me and i have to remember it because it wouldnt be good to forget..ive been thinking about my homework that i have yet to rteally sit down and write because it scares me still..while i was at camp and had the time to think while i was hiking i had the time to get used to writing it and finding out what i wanted to be said but still writing it down makes it permanent...once again ill have something in writing that cant be taken away..maybe ill write it here some day and just print it off to save myself the trouble..but i dont know what i want out of life..i dont know who i am or anything about me and so i dont know what is going to happen to me in the future..at the rate im going now ill die in about five years..without straightout doing anything i say five years..if im actually trying id say i could last a couple years..not that im planning my death or anything but if im supposed to be realistic then i can be..im not entirly stupid even if my spelling sucks at times but anyway i do know what im doing..and i know that i dont care enough to take care of myself properly and so i could be letting myself die and i dont know or i dont care enough to notice...as long as body parts arent like falling off or anything then why should i worry..its not like i look sick..scars and scars and they can be explained away if they are actually seen by someone other than me..but like mommy what are the chances i would be believed if i told the truth? might as well lie and make other people comfortable instead of worrying about how im feeling...isnt that what i learned? that it is so much better to make sure other ppl are ok before taking the time out to see if im ok...now im getting ready to graduate and i dont want to..im constantly being told to take care of myself and to get plenty of sleep and eat healthy and i just want to call them all liars...im not dying and i dont look like im dying so why should anyone care about what i do to myself..most of the time im really not trying to die..but i would feel so guilty if i did try to kill myself and it didnt work..its not that hard to figure out why people try suicide more than once..things change alot after the first try that doesnt work..theres nothing left to work for if everyone considers you stupid for doing it in the first place...i dont know what i want..ok so i do know but just knowing is enough to make me want to cry because i dont know how to get it..it is hard constantly worrying if im liked but not loved..never loved because that is stupid and a waste of time...being liked is ok but it doesnt always happen either..im tolerated and nothing more..its like people have to put up with me and not because they want to.im a chore that will be forgotten as soon as im gone...i dont ask for a lot at all..and it really doesnt take much to get me to smile and yvonne knows that..shes a pro now at quoting movies that i like to me to get me to smile..but even that is short lived if im feeling sad..i hate that i can get so sad without a reason behind it..but theres always something to be sad at..something i have to regret doing no matter how small because thats just how it has to go...im afraid to care to much because life is a disappointment that i dont know how to change..i dont really feel safe in the real world and i dont fit in either...maybe running away is a good idea if i can be my own person..but the worrying of being found would kill me or i would just come back..i hate feeling guilty i hate being me too..im still expecting someone to come and save me..i want to be saved and fixed but i dont want to have to hurt to get it done..im getting really tired of hurting all the time. i cant be happy because im always wanting for things to go wrong and mess up and somehow im always in the middle..because there is always something that i should have done better or i should have been able to fix it and i couldnt..just makes me worthless if i cant even fix my own problems..i cant even explain my problems to anyone and then i expect to be helped without anyone knowing whats going on..yea that makes a lot of sense to no one..im being eaten alive with sadness..i dont want to be me but changing doesnt always seem to be an option either..i want to be a kid and have fun and not care about anything..i want to be taken care of and loved and appreciated for being who i am..that is living in a fantasy world..my own little place of lies that just doesnt seem right anymore..i dont know what im supposed to be looking for..i dont want to have to figure anythiing out but there is always something going on in my head..something that i need to think about and then forget..and then everything just gets poured into my head and i cant stop thinking..always some thought that i have to completely break down and then put back together so that it fits how im seeing things..i have such a warped vision of so many things..how am i supposed to know whats true..i cant remember and i dont want to remember but eventually ill have to..and then what? my two years will be up and i can die in peace..the truth does not set you free it just digs you a bigger hole to hide in...im a little afraid of being alone..i cant be mad..its dangerous being mad but if im sad ill just lay around all day and not do anything..zone out completely and not care until yvonne gets back...ill have two days to do whatever i want to until she gets back and then ill have to figure out some way to disappear again until it stops hurting again..i was ok this morning and this afternoon even but then i watched tv and it all just fell apart around my head..here i am a live and reasonably healthy even and im trying to die and there are all of these people ill never know who have things a lot worse than i do and they are dying and they dont want to..why cant i be happy with what i have? because its not fair and i didnt do anything to be like this..i dont know exactly what got taken away but it was something big..really really big and it needs to be given back but i dont think it can be..once its gone its gone forever and its just to bad for me..something is missing but im not sure ill ever be able to find it..i should have died along with nicole..i should have and i didnt..instead im stuck here..not living but not dead yet either..walking zombie or something..im worried about next week..im worried about being expected to go home for grannys birthday party when everyone has forgotten mine..mommy told me im not getting anything because of all the money she put into my car..she seems to have forgotten that im the one who just paid almost 600 dollars on it and it still doesnt work..what the heck and im supposed to be thinking..how is it possible to even consider that i might matter when i try around and find out i dont..if i just disappeared for a while who would notice..who would care? everything i learned over the summer is gone now and it sucks that i could gain something and lose it so fast..i dont want to be constantly trying to think up inventive ways to hurt but i dont..i dont want to keep being so scared of everythig because maybe not everyone is out to hurt me or make me cry..if i had to write my obituary what would it say? i want to write on just to find out but thinking about it empties my head..maybe because im in such a bad mood and im just starting to get nervous and not feel good..right now i have a headache but whos to say i wont walk in the kitchen and just keep taking meds..not that we have anything stronger than reg tylenol but still..ill wait it out for a little lnoger until i can find something that will let me sleep..i want to be ok but im not..im so far from ok im in a different time zone..still i can fake it until im ok..but if i fake it then am i being nonvalidating or something...i can pretend until things are ok again..but i dont know how long that will take..i dont want to be me for a while

last night

not a lot of time to write since im running late as it is..but right now im just to tired to be thinking to far ahead..i dont want to go to work and i just want to sleep right now but cant so..last night i went with yvonne to pick up my car...this didnt work out and it really was a waste of a trip and i almost hit a cop..well i pulled out without really looking and almost got hit..less than 10 mins in the car and im about to get a ticket! good grief but the cop was nice and just told me i really needed to look and pay attention more..but still im glad it worked out..nia was in the car with me and it was really scary because out of nowhere the cop lights just come on behind me...still im trying hard not to be scared about driving since ill have to get used to it anyway..but then other stuff started going wrong with the car and it had to stay..it was a waste going on some levels but at least i knew that it would start turning off on me before we got to far away and the guy came and just took it back..so now the plan has changed again but im still without a car..but mommmy says they are supposed to be trying to bring it to me this weekend and ill stick to driving with less traffic until im more confident. it was an incredibly disappointing night.

back to the basics

it does seem like life is seriously going back into basic survival mode..sleep, eat, work..nothing interesting nothing worth thinking about for to long..of course no car again..i dont know what i was thinking actually believing what i was told..i should have known better and i still let it get by me..stupid me for continuing to be so gullible and believe everything im told without bothering to question any of it..that being said im a complete hypocrite on top of everything else..but maybe no im a hypocrite about everything..i keep pretending that i dont know whats going on when i do..i keep trying hard to make myself forget and it doesnt work..i cant forget what i dont remember and i cant forget what i do remember and then i just have a way to get back at myself for being stupid or mean or something...and if i dont remember all of it then how in the world can i even know if what i see is true..i dont know..i just wish i could go away for a little while..i want a break a real one but i want to go somewhere where i cant be found again..if i did then theres a good chance i wouldnt even come back..but who would notice or miss me or care? it wouldnt be a big deal until someone needed me to do something for them..so what does that say about me exactly? im completely expendable or something? i dont care and it doesnt matter..im not going to be going anywhere and things will always be the same...i keep thinking that ill always be like this and i hate that..i cant handle being like this forever..i would never be able to give myself a break and all the time now i wish for camp again..i want to go back to camp and forget everything else i cant handle..i want the people from camp who liked me and listened to me..i dont really feel safe anymore now that i actually know what safe is..i want to be hugged and really believe that things will be ok..i dont know what was so different while i was there..but i would give anything to go back...i feel alone and invisible which could be the same thing as feeling lonely and unimportant..but it all moves so fast im not really sure either..one minute i could die from all the pain that doesnt show and the next minute i could swear nothing would ever hurt me again..but im such a baby that it doesnt take much to hurt me and i just want to yell at myself to grow up and get a life..i dont know what i want but im not really sure ill ever find it...my head is moving really really fast right now and i keep going from one thing to another without stopping and it makes my head hurt..more often than not these nights i have to do the mindfullness thing or else ill never sleep..im forever worrying about something and it is hard to calm down..i want to be saved before i manage to kill myself...i dont know when it will suddenly happen but its just one of those things i kinda know will happen..i want to die to much to just let it drop and not worry about it..all i do is write, write, write..all day long im writing without ever picking up a pen..i cant turn my head off and all day there is something going on that i need to write down and its like im forever talking to myself in my head..writing my life story that i dont even know about since it will never be published or anything..who in there right mind would ever want to read about my life? nothing interesting or worth there time has ever happened to me..ive had a boring life and i havent even ever broken a bone..maybe i should go play in traffic and break something and then listen to mommy come up with an excuse for why i was standing in the middle of traffic..i know she would because if they said i was just flat out in the middle of the street standing there ..mommy would swear i was doing something else or i had some other reason to be there..the obvious is just to wrong to be true and there is nothing true in the truth which makes it all a bunch of lies but by then i would forget what even i knew to be true anyway..so i guess everyone but me would be happy with the outcome and i of course would be in the hospital..you know you can go to jail for threatening to kill yourself and that is seriously the stupidest thing ive ever heard of in my life..almost as stupid as reporting a suicidal person in the first place..but then ive already been on the receiving end of a suicidal person and ive been suicidal enough to have someone completely freaking out for me when i dont have the energy to care one way or another about anything that goes on..and it is nerve wrecking in the worst way worrying if they will do anything and there is no way to get up with them..it sucks and its so so hard...im really really glad i wasnt placed i nthe dss places for my intern..it would kill me literally i have no idea who i would have handled any of it...right now the stress isnt really getting to me but im not dealing with abuse or neglect or anything..i have the kids who are fighting to go home and be as normal as they can be and i can deal with that ok..but for other reasons i do have to write or im pretty sure my head will fall off or something..sometimes i worry if i dont control everything i will float off becasue there is so much stuff being crowded into my head..im starting to get distracted ..its 9 and im ready to go to bed..im not feeling good anyway..talked about my weird obssession with the grocery store today with janet and it was interesting..i seriously think im one of like a million ppl who actually likes going to the grocery store..i would see no problem with going to the grocery store just to look around and not buy anything..doesnt make sense but then theres not much about me that does

crazy normal

today was ok i guess kinda maybe sorta..i woke up not feeling good and wanting to call in sick so so much..but i didnt and i went to work and kinda woke up some...the morning went by really fast and i actually got some more orientation stuff out of the way..i actually made phone calls before i went home and made appts and everything..after lunch i was still ok but really sleepy and so cold..i kept my jacket on all day until i went out shopping with yvonne and i was pretty ok temp wise..but as soon as it got dark and the sun was gone stepping outside made my body temp drop to like 5degrees..i got so cold so fast and just couldnt warm up at all..yvonne and alexis say it feels good and im so cold im shivering and getting goosebumps..it doesnt make sense and im afraid to go to the doc and have them tell me i just dont have iron in my system at all..because first i know they will tell me to start eating meat again..and i dont really want that much..next would be flat out iron pills and ive just heard not great stuff about that..i have been remembering to take the reg vitamins and the b complex stuff that turns pee into like neon yellow..at first i was really scared about that but i looked up info on it and its ok..but still really freaky.anyway i cant regulate my body temp at all anymore..im either to hot or to cold and now with the weather just cooling off by itsself im worried ill just freeze all the time because i dont like wearing a coat and i dont want to wear a sweatshirt since i have to be professional..i dont know what im going to do..i prefer to be cold than hot but if im getting so cold i cant feel my fingers im not seeing a benefit here..and as much as i like to torture myself for the heck of it i dont like watching my fingers turn blue..still i think ill wait it out for a little while..just to see if it gets any worse or something..but how ill even know when it gets worse i really have no idea but i guess ill have to figure it out...its really really hard dealing with everyday stuff when my mood drops so fast and then gets better really fast..all day its been up and down and when im at the hospital i try really hard to not let it show so much..and so i force myself to go and talk to the nurses or to janet and cindy, or play with the kids..i hope it doesnt show...when im just in the office being quiet i try to pay attention to whats being talked about around me without being in the way or anything..it helps i guess and it gives me something else to kinda focus on for little bits of time but when im by myself its not that easy at all..it just kinda leaks out and i cant stop it...i dont know what im supposed to be doing and i juts get upset because i cant control it anymore..tonight i went to dinner twice..really funny how it happened but anyway i went to dinner twice and the second time so focused on dessert but yvonne and alexis started talking about family and boyfriend stuff and i just starting to feel incredibly left out and sad..i dont give out much information on family and yvonne only knows some things because shes around mommy sometimes and sometimes i tell her stuff..but not a lot and good grief it takes a long time to get information out of me about anything..but anyway im just listening to them talk about all this different stuuff..like serious stuf fand just deal with it and i cant even begin to talk about family with out getting scared or something..somethings im ok with but once its past surface stuff i have nothing to say and i couldnt say anything if i was being tortured to death for information..id be dead before they got any info out of me just because i would want it..yes i guess im prepared to die before i tell secerts...would i die to protect my secerts? yea i would and i think i would prefer that to talking..that way at least i know i cant get in trouble for saying anything..but the more i just listened the more i left like i didnt belong because i caouldnt talk like them..i dont really want to be them i just dont want to be me and it all just sucks so much..so i just started zoning out and getting sadder and sadder but not saying anything about it..why would i say anything about it when i couldnt possibly even begin to explain anything about why it was happening..no point in getting it started when i wouldnt be able to finish it..the more i force myself to stay seperated the harder it gets to be involved in anything..i always feel like i have to lie about something to protect someone else..but i would never consider protecting myself..i dont think its fair for me to be completely ok with dying to stop myself from talking..there is a certain level of unstabilty to that statement and it doesnt make sense. i really really considered b/p today but i didnt and it was really hard to sit there and not go to the bathroom when i know i could have gotten away with it..being full annoys me..because there is always the thought of i should have known better or i shouldnt have eaten that..i really have to wonder why i havent made more serious attempts at dying when i try so hard to get it all the time...no idea why its so hard for me to want to do it so much and be to scared to even really try..im up to late..finally im getting my car tomorrow i hope..and even that scares me a little bit..i dont really trust my abilty but i know i have to get more used to driving..i cant be scared because the second i really start to doubt myself ill get into an accident..i have to becareful but not stupid..i dont know the balance yet but i guess ill have to think of something soon..already im trying to figure out ways to drive that will keep me away from big crowds until im ready..and weekend shopping early in the morning or late at night comes to mind..so maybe i will be ok and able to figure it out without killing myself in the process..i did buy a couple new cds today..dont know why if im getting an ipod for my birthday..but it was a lisa loeb cd and a tori amos cd..very nice and there two ive wanted for a while

lost

you cant change the past so im told..so that means i shouldnt be upset that i just gave myself a massive headache throwing up dinner..the bad part being i knew better and i just didnt care..i didnt really try hard to stop..and i feell very sick right this minute and to take my mind off of things i just started looking up things i want to buy..i want an ipod for my birthday..and so ill buy myself one when my birthday comes around..i might have to buy it before my birthday just because i dont know what i will be feeling like then..i was thinkingabout it before i started eating dinner and of course when i started it wasnt really about b/p at all..it just kinda happened..but anyway i was thinking about when dr bass asked if i was eating healthy and i said sure..knowing i had b/p recently..and i seriously think i would die before i let anyone willingly know i just happen to occansionally throw up my food..a small handfull of people know but more ppl know about the cutting..someone might think i actually have a problem with eating normally and i dont..i eat fine i just dont happen to like eating and that just doesnt make sense...yesterday i was just randomly thinking about how much eating was starting to annoy me..today i didnt want to eat but i did anyway..i know whats behind it too..but i wont blame it on my birthday because every so often i just end up b/p a lot for a little while and then it goes away again with nothing broken...i could just wait it out and see what happens..no im not going to start purging in the hospital that would be really stupid and i wouldnt be able to get away with it for long..but yes i do consider the whole possible ed as a lot worse than the cutting..but i would give the ed before i give up cutting..it doesnt make sense..they both do the same thing pretty much i guess..i dont want to do any of them but if i had to pick ill sick with the cutting..at least then i can see what im doing..i have a problem with not being able to see what im doing..i can ask or look up what all goes along with b/p but i wont see anything ever unless i did it for a really long time...and since i do it off and on and not more than a couple weeks it can be considered that im fine..i had blood work done a while ago and i was fine then..im fine now..but still that could change really fast and i wont know it...not until its to late probably..that would suck for me since im guessing i could just say stop and i would..but that wouldnt really work either i dont think..i dont know what i want..i talked about suicide today with someone..just the general questions of if i had ever tried or not..and what ive done doesnt even get close to dying..just getting really sick for a day or so and then i can forget all about it and go on with what ever life i happen to be living..not that im going to die tomorrow or anything but i should be concerned that i dont care..if i died tomorrow i might be happy i might not consdiering nothing makes me happy anymore..i thought about the benefits of anti depressants today and i really dont need to have meds like that just lying arond..not cool and when i cant trust myself to be sane for longer than five minute intervals whats left..i would be dumb enough to try and kill myself and then not get away with it...i keep forgetting what it is that actually keeps me here...last night yvonne started talking about mommy again when she asked me why we didnt go and get my car..she told me that its not right to be treated like your the gum on a persons shoe and it would be funny if it wasnt true..she said other stuff to and i told her that it wasnt a big deal and she said it was...my whole inabilty to get mad just gets on my nerves...i want to be mad and i cant..it just doesnt work..and when i am mad i make sure it doesnt last long at all..i dont like feeling out of control..i work to hard to make sure i kkeep things under control as much as i can..maybe thats why i dont like change at all..i think i will be alone for forever..i cant like myself, i barely put up with myself..its always the same back and forth kinda thing..just when i start to think im ok something happens to make me remember that im just not good enough..as much as i like yvonne and put up with her i let her get away with a lot of stuff and just because im used to it i dont say anything because i dont know but it was her last night who let me remember that im just expected to do certain things.. you dont just put a pot on the stove and walk out of the kitchen because im standing there..i could have just forgot about it and left it to burn but i didnt..considering that yvonne uses all the food i buy like its hers..most of the time i dont care because i wont eat it anyway but somethings i just want to be asked before its assumed that ill say yes..maybe this wouldnt happen if i wouldstand up for myself..standing up for myself would imply that i care and i dont..maybe im just feeling overly depressed again right now or maybe i just shouldnt have purged..but at least i stopped when it started to hurt..i keep thinking i want to cry and im trying hard to not let that happen..i dont want to cry because crying is for babies and im to old to cry over nothing..no reason to cry if you dont have a good reason and i dont have reason at all..im just making myself sad and i sould get my act together..i keep trying to come up wtih some picture of this person im supposed to be and i just dont think it will ever happen..i could almost swear i died like 20 years ago..how odd is it to even say that...i do enough to pass for being alive but sometimes it really does feel like im just not there and no one looked for me when it mattered..why should i care that anyone looks now..im not there to be found anymore

.

im feeling a little better today i think..nothing dastric or anything but an improvment and it took a while yesterday but by the time i stopped writing and yvonne got my attention on something else i was ok for a while..eventually i got around to getting sad again but then i just went to bad and started to worry a lot but i still remember to do the mindfullness thingy when i cant sleep and my head starts getting away from me...and it worked enough to calm down enough to go to sleep...so it was ok..i didnt wake up feeling horrible just kinda out of it and i actaully stayed half sleep until almost 8..i did go to class and i did pay attention but we just talked about what we had been doing during the week at work...and we even got out of class early so im not complaining...i didnt want to talk to anyone yet i went to see dr bass and she as actually in her office...talked about class and stuff nothing big but it was just nice being in her office and i dont know...it made me feel better for some reason..i think i need more contact than i would ever care to admit

confusingly depressing

i dont think i can say im not having a good day when i havent done anything today. just kinda wasted the day and its only a little after 3:30 but then i woke up around 6 this morning and couldnt go back to sleep. didnt do anything this morning and i didnt do anything yesterday except wait for mommy or the guy with my car to call..mommy called but the other guy didint ...not that i wanted him to because mommy is dead set on me writing a check that cant be cashed and i dont like that or want to do it so ive been putting off talking to her..i dont care if idont get the car this weekend..its been this long im not missing much..so whats a few more days? mommmy will be really mad though since ive been avoiding her calls today..but as of like an hour ago she hadnt called me yet..lucky me but she will call before the night is over so ill just wait..i ahvent asked yvonne to go anywhere since i dont have money to spend anyway and it wouldnt have any point to going out because ill be to tempted to buy something with money i cant spend...so hanging out at home works out in a way..but being here makes me bored and i did watch a few movies and caught up on my cartoons im still bored...everything is boring lately..ive taken enough online quizzes today to drive myself up the wall and some of them are fun and i know they arent to be taken seriously but some of them are incredibly close at predicting stuff..so it keeps me occupied for a while. i like thaking the personality ones because there stupid and most of the time the answers are completely off..i keep trying to think of something to do but theres nothing i feel like doing...i could prolly watch something burn down and not care right this minute..my eyes are going all weird today and its really hard focusing on anything ..kinda fuzzy or something..no idea whats going on though..i have been taking my vitamins and i started taking b complex because i asked someone and they said it was good to help with energy levels..so it cant hurt to give it a try and when i looked it up online it said that lacking b vitamins can have a hand in being anemic so i cant see how it would hurt..ive finished my homework for the most part for tomorrow and i know im juts going to go to class and zone out completely for two hours. i dont know what i want to do..every few mintues its something different...randomly wanted to cry a second ago but i dont know..a minute before that i wanted to cut but i didnt think about it long enough to even get around to talking myself out it. i need to break a bone so i can get viacodin..although i dont think i can zone out any more than i already have still it would be nice to just not care for a little while. i spend all week looking at calendars and it doesnt matter how i count it my birthday is still in a little over a week and that doesnt seem to be changing any time soon. i can ignore it but ecentually it will still get here. sometimes i talk about it and can look forward to it but most of the time if im by myself and thinking about it i just dont want it at all..same thing every year and i really dont know if i expected this one to be any different at all. i hate that people still call me by the wrong name, im trying hard enough to get up and do what im supposed to be doing every day and ppl just unintentionally make it harder..none even know i had a sister but i have no idea why if im gonna be called the wrong name it has to be hers...i dont mention it because i think it will just make it worse..but still as it is now i guess it cant be any worse. i just dont know why it happens and it bothers me..i prolly wouldnt like it anymore if i did know why it was happening. the more i think about it the guilty i get..ive had the whole thing explained to me more than once and i still think the same thing..if i say it was my fault then i want everyone to agree with me and just let it go but that doesnt happen either..and so i know how the realistic part goes and how it couldnt possibly be my fault but it doesnt matter anyway..saying its my fault gives me something to focus on even if it is a lie. im not entirly stupid but i can keep ignoring the obvious until even that gets taken away and all thats left i guess is the truth..and the truth just sucks all around..i dont think ill have a purpose at all if i cant take the blame for somtehing i didnt do..but still i really have no idea why i wasnt used to save her..if i was healthier and didnt need the stupid liver then why didnt they think to take it? im completely useless and it sucks..even though i can be completely realistic when i want to be and i can understand a million different reasons for why i wasnt used it doesnt make it any better...if i stick with the part i know to be wrong then maybe ill drive myself crazy or something...maybe ill suffer for the rest of my life becuase i can..but i dont really want to either..i want everything to stop and just go away and things just dont happen like that..i feel like if i cried from now until i died it still wouldnt be enough to set things right..there will always be something that i will have to work at to make better and to be accepted for..considering everything ive done i dont deserve to be accepted or forgiven for anything...maybe thats why disappearing always looks so good for me...i do want to go away and not be foound because its the only thing that seems to work..but then if i left i dont think i would ever allow myself to go back to therapy again..it just wouldnt work and if i left then i wouldnt be around anyone that knew anything about me..but knowing me it would take less than a month before i got myself into a lot of trouble for something ive managed to not do. for some reason going away doesnt even feel safe if i know that mommy would be very capable of finding me anyway...theres no such thing as escape because someone would find me...camp was fun and all but at the end of it i was expected to go home..mommy doesnt believe i will move out of nc anyway and when she asks she always mentions places where i should go because i have family there..kinda hard to explain i dont want to be anywhere near family...given i dont have issues with most of the family and i can handle being around them for short periods of time..but i just really want to be by mysself..i dont want to be expected to do anything unless i decide to do it and not someone telling me what i need to be doing...i want to be able to get away with killing myself without worrying how would be dumb enough to find me..but i cant even decide if i want to die or not..i just think it gets a lot worse around my birthday for a lot of reasons...i cant get rid of being sad and not wanting to do anything just doesnt help..no this time writing isnt helping at all either..just wasted almost a half hour though..maybe ill go mess up the kitchen or something...but since i cant think of anything to cook right now ill wait...i think im starting to push people away...i only talk to yvonne when i have to because i dont know but i do..i dont really talk to anyone anymore..maybe thats why i dont want to go to class..i dont know if ill be expected to talk when i dont want too..theres only 10 people in the class and i couldnt disappear if i wanted to..besides dr bunch would call on me if she wanted to..maybe since there will be presentations tomorrow i wont have to say anything...sometimes it feels like im just a horrible liar...well i am if im always hiding something but i cant help if i only feel safe not talking..even if it drives me completely crazy because i always want to talk but i cant..ill always worry about hurting someone else before i think about what it does to me..i could say that i dont matter but im not always so sure about that...like now i am but if i wait for a while maybe my mind will change yet again..after my 50millionth camment about always being calm today i dont know what to think..its not that i dont get mad because i do but it just doesnt show..it cant show because then ill be in trouble or ill do something really stupid..i just make it go away until it doesnt bother me anymore..maybe thats a good thing because then it makes it a lot easier to deal with everything..but if im constantly hearing its perfectly fine to be angry i dont know why it wont change..im not trying that hard to change it because i dont like being anger mainly because it just scares me...and if i make it go way then i dont have to deal with it..once one of my paintings got analyzed and i swear its like they find things i wasnt even thinking about when i started the picture but i still remember the carefully hidden anger part because that was true..all of it was prolly true but i forgot some of them..same way with the no hands thing being no control..had i known that i wouldnt have drawn it in the first place...it would be a lot easier if i knew what they were looking for before i started so i would know to stay away from it but i guess that would make the picture kinda useless...i guess its kinda funny the way i always say i dont know when im asked something when i do know the answer and just dont want to say it..and it doesnt work anymore with arran anyway because i guess she kinda knows but i still use it..guess its comforting in a way..and it does give me a little more time to think about something that i dont really want to say...i guess it doesnt make any sense to keep doing it when it doesnt really work anymore. not much seems to work so much anymore..i dont want to take the time or energy to find new things to do besides it wouldnt be the same...i like the regular stuff and i have big problems with making changes..i guess it would be incentive if it means i find a new way to make myself forget things ...but it would be to different..i could also just be dumb enough to do all the stuff i already do like a lot worse but i dont want to go to the hospital either..so ill have to find a new medium that doesnt get me in anymore trouble...im looking at my wrists again but i think ive thrown both of my arm bands away and it wouldnt be a big deal to get anymore but i liked the old ones..or i could just not care and go at my lower arms but that would not be smart and i do know that...i want to go back to cutting my arms but because of mommy i cant do that either..i did my leg last weekend and it hurt but not enough..i can go back to burning to but those just worry me and im trying to stay out of the health center..the burns go to far really fast and those take forever to get better..only takes like two days before the cuts stop hurting completely regarless of how many or how deep. burns take a couple weeks even without an infection and almost all of them get infected..besides i dont really know how to really take care of burns..they are confusing in so many ways..but cleaning up after cutting is not a piece of cake either..or i could be really smart and stop all of it..prolly a full week without cutting now but since i did throw up the other day i guess it evened out...not a good idea throwing up with yvonne at home..still a bit freaked out that she is just goin to randomly ask me if im ok or something...its not like i know if she heard me or not and i cant go back and change it so ill just have to worry...

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Body Image is 80% Unhealthy, 20% Healthy

Your negative body image is borderline serious. It could turn into an eating disorder or psychological problem. Perhaps you're just having a bad day. But maybe you need to think about getting help for your problem.

How's Your Body Image?