shamed

i
hate
myself
for
everything
ive
done

yvonne gives me a dress to try on..and its a really nice dress..incredibly formal and nice and for special occasions..the only problem being that it was sleeveless..she said i should try it on..so i try it on and surprise surprise..it fits..but i put my tshirt back on over it and refused to take it off..i told her the dress just looked horrible and she could have her poster back because i wont take the other shirt off...i loved the dress even if i didnt have any reason to wear it i liked it alot..but i already know what my arms and chest look like..and i know i couldnt wear that dress ever because theres nothing over it..and its my fault..i cant explain either..it was just ok the dress is horrible and so you cant see it..i was fine with it until i found out the dress really fit..and then it just kinda set in that i couldnt wear it anywear because i wouldnt be comfortable in it..i wouldnt be comfortable having my arms out and i would never be brave enough to go out in it without anything on my arms..so many things in my head now..im not happy with myself right now at all..and im tired enough to know ill be sleep soon but i still have to wake up in the morning..and freak out finding something to wear that i can deal with..i still have to look at all the scars every single day..im a liar because i keep trying to make myself believe i dont care that i have the scars and they dont bother me when they do..they bother me when i worry about what someone will say about them...i cant tell yvonne that i cut..its not even that she wouldnt understand because i dont know but its just that i dont want her to treat me any different...it came up again today about how she doesnt know how i manage to deal with mommy everyday becuase she couldnt..i cant either with out help and its not even good help since im forever trying to die without doing anything...it hurts right now everything just hurts and i would be glad to hide for the rest of my life

forcing myself to stay awake

i need to be in bed..but i got sidetracked once again goingo ut with yvonne and then coming home and messing with pictures and watching a movie that i really liked and so im glad i bought it...spent some time in barnes and nobles reading a really intersting physch book about adults abused in childhood and it had my attention for a good while..i wanted to buy it but didnt because i didint have the money on me..maybe ill go back and get it..or most likely find a copy online if i really want it..went out for dinner and to a few stores..got my pictures from walgreens and instead of paying over 60 for them i got them for 20ish...307 pictures for 20 bucks..lucky me! hmm arm is doing really good from when i cut the other night..i didnt do a lot or anythin serious so im not worried about them and they should fade out pretty fast..im getting a cold and spent all day long sneezing up a lung in the hospital...cindy finally gave me some sinus meds but it didnt really help..i was still really foggy and out of it for most of the day but i didnt leave early or anything for it...went and said hi to the kids onthe floor that are used to me.set up a few appts for the rest of the week...managed fin aid stuff i hope...missed my advisor and had to email him..im really hoping that the hurricane thats supposed to be coming doesnt..and i should watch the news and find out whats going on..

something is making me really nervous and i dont know what..if i stop moving i get anxious and cutting has been in my head since i got out of the bookstore but i dont really want to because im afraid it wont help...its to late to do to many things but the meds i took are kicking in and ill be out in a little while..so many things are in my head right now that i cant get rid off..i want to talk to prof dunn but i cant and im really worried ill have to have another teacher meeting with like 50 teachers and me..i dont like the whole isolated feeling im getting and i miss the safety of camp and just want to go back...at least there i wasnt completely in the real world and i didnt have to worry about more than i could handle at a time...but now im back in school and i just worry all day long...because of what i read in the bookstore i have a lot of unanswered questions in my head...and i really want someone to blame it on but i just happen the be the only person around yet again..still majorly easy to blame things on myself but now i dont have a way to stop it...im trying really hard to drink more water again because i can tell i was dehydrated for a couple days and made myself drink...im trying to remember to take my vitamin in the morning and eat breakfast so i dont forget..so two morning in a row can be considered a small good thing i think...im not purging but im getting really close to being back under a 1000cals a day...and i count cals enough when i want to to know that its not a huge issue as long as what im eating isnt junk food...but still i know that under a 1000 is still considered starving which i refuse to let myself forget since i found it out...and i dont know if im trying or if im just doing it but i dont really care...im sitting here now and have been for the past couple hours talking myself out of eating anything because im not supposed to eat after like 6:30..i would push it up but im still around the hospital at 5 and if im cooking i need the extra time..and today was a fairly low day cal wise..but ill be ok..im guessing that since cutting doesnt work anymore i can do other stuff but i go back and forth between purging and not eating way to easily..and i dont want to purge just because it makes my nose bleed so not eating is next...im working really hard to control it without going overboard..next question would be and how will i recognize when ive gone overboard?! im really quite stupid at times and i should know better and i do know better..and i still refuse to see any of it..i could ignore it until all of it managed to kill me and i did use to think that would be ok...but i havent died yet..tried but nothing seems to work..and now of the tries were serious in the slightest but still..and i think im just making myself paranoid...and since i have to be up in like 6 hours i better go to bed and pretend to sleep

things arent looking so rotten

today was busy...really really busy..i woke up early because i needed to go get index cards and finish stuff before class..which i got done..i got my homework done and got the cards i needed...i went to class and it wasnt bad..i went and got copies and faxed my license to the insurance place...and then ran into dr bass and talked to her for a little while before she had class..went and talked to dr miller about a bunch of stuff...went to fin aid and talked to them and now i have fin aid! that made my day completely...i know im not drinking enough though because i was walking around all day and started to get a headache but it just made it worse since i didnt bother really stopping for lunch..but i now have fin aid and i finished most of what i had to do today..so now i just have to get ready for the rest of the week...still really disappointed about cutting last night..and it didnt help at all really and i dont know what im supposed to be doing..is it even possible to be really mad at cutting...ifs its possible or not i am..im mad at it for changing and not letting me know about it..and its not suppose to change without me doing it or wanting to do it..and it just sucks oh well i guess..just really confused again

stupid

i should have tried harder and i didnt ...if cutting doesnt help anymore then i dont know what my options are

a million headaches

i have another headache but thats because i took a nap that i didnt need to take and when i woke up my head wouldnt stop hurting..i didnt take anything for it and now i getto suffer but its been happening a lot lately...woke up yesterday close to 8 and took a nap around 1ish and then was ready to take another nap by 6..not cool and instaed of going to sleep i asked yvonne to take me to get a soda since we were in the middle of our road trip and i was being horrible company since i kept falling asleep in the car...but we went on a road trip yesterday and went to raleigh and of course went to build a bear and the disney store and other random stores...allen and justin met up with us at the mall and we went out to lunch together and that was ok..justins not bad and we get along ok but all the same nothing is going to happen..i met allens parents yesterday and im actually starting to get more comforatable being around him...we spent the night at allens house and i took justins bed and i tried to get out of it but he wouldnt hear it so i got his bed for the night and its incredibly weird sleeping in someone elses bed and after i stopped freaking out about it i fell asleep and it was ok...we came back this morning because mommy was supposed to be bringing my car but of course that didnt work out and still no car for me and no idea when ill be getting it and its really starting to suck..but i should have expected things to not work out like they were supposed too...but yvonne has been really nice about taking me places and to work and everyhting and i give her gas money when i ask to go somewhere...we are going to see over the hedge tonight and that will be a lot of fun because ive already seen it and she hasnt but it was good and i think she will like it...on the way back from raleigh she told me that she was really glad i was in her life and i really wanted to not believe her and say that she was just saying it because i was sitting in the car with her not doing anything..but no she explained it out for me and i just got around to believing what she said..its still uncomfortable having ppl say anything good about me and i am trying hard to deal with it and not freak out completely...ive gotten better at it but i dont know...im still confused about the whole someones lying to me and i dont want to think about what is true and whats not because it just gives me a headache...i know the truth because im not a complete dork but ignoring it just isnt working out..because if i think about it long enough without being interupted i can come up with a heck of a lot of junk i would never bother telling anyone because it wouldnt make sense..the fin aid stuff is starting to worry me because i cant really do anything on campus and my class has once again been dropped and i dont have the time to get anything done..tomorrow is going to be so busy going back and forth trying to cram everything in and not being able to i dont think...class is at a horrible time tomorrow and i still have stuff to do for that class that i havent finished yet...i did manage to get all of my clothes picked up for the mpst part and i need to get dusti to the vet sometime soon because shes not drinking a lot of water and im worried but i havve to wait until i find out about school junk first..mommy keeps telling me not to spend any money because i might not be getting fin aid and i know that if i dont get any now my bank acct will be emptied and then i will have to go home every weekend to babysit and that wont work out either..as if i dont have enough stuff to worry about..yvonne is starting to get annoyed with mommy because i was making her rush back this morning because mommy didnt know i was out of town and i knew if she came and i wasnt there i would be in a lot of trouble and yvonne didnt get why it would matter..and after a while it gets hard explaining anything about how things with mommy works because it really doesnt make sense at all...i feel stupid trying to explain any of it because it does sound like its wrong after a couple mintues..and im used to all of it and it doesnt bother me until it starts to bother someone else..we also talked about my inablity to yell ..which still surprises the heck out of me..i say i yell and everyone else says i dont and that i couldnt yell if my life depended on it...yvonne says she has never heard me yell and ive lived with her for almost a year and a half now..she also told me last night that shes never been mad at me because i was watching rent and i asked her if she ever got mad at me would she tell me in a song...so then we got on the convo of that shes never been mad at me and that im a great roommate and friend etc etc...so it was an interesting ride back this morning...we got back and colored instead of cleaning and listened to music and played with dusti and fell asleep watching a movie before coming to campus..she also told me for the fifty millionth time that the shirt i was wearing was nice...and i told her so and she said ok but i know the next time she sees me in it she will say the same thing..but i was thinking about why i didnt really like it and of course i know i dont have much self confidence at all and maybe thats all of it..i mean theres really no point in liking myself when i always hear i need to change something or stop doing something..kinda puts a damper on things..but anyway havent been purging since the last time i did it while i was at home...trying hard not to cut but i think thats just turning into a losing battle..things are just starting to crowd in on me and i cant fix any of it so it seems and it sucks big time..im not looking forward to tomorrow at all...but i guess ill just ha ve to see how it goes..a routine is starting to fall into place so maybe it will help..

thinking to much

yesterday i started thinking that maybe my iron has dropped more than it needed too..and i have no idea where ive stuck the vitamins i was taking and im not that interested in buying more..but my energy is dead and gone...if i didnt have to be awake i think i would be sleeping the day away...i told yvonne i was gonna try coffee this weekend and she told me i would probably spit it out if i drunk it black..but i have every intention of trying it and if i start bouncing off the walls maybe ill clean up my clothes that are becoming one with the floor right now..but its really hard focusing when i just want to sleep but all the same i made it through my first week of being at the hospital and getting the badge was still my favoritest part..and im a dork but getting to open the locked doors is majorly cool for no real reason..but i learned my way around the rehab part and learned how to do an assment and got to go on a couple trips with the physical therapists and patients that were a lot of fun..and everyone is really nice and helpful...and im feeling more comfortable being there i think..confusing learning all the names but im being included and the nurses and ppl have no problem with me tagging along at random times...still its nice to have off the weekend cas it was busy and stressful without really being expected to do anything..and i get to take my care bear lunchbox which makes my day too..and i was never sure when i would get to use it when yvonne got it for me a while ago...but now i get to use it and it works out..but other than it its going ok i think..

im going to talk to dr miller on monday and im not really worried about it but it sucks that prof dunn isnt teaching this semester..i miss her although i dont think ill e ver tell her that ...but still its not cool not being able to drop by her office whenever i wanted to..being on campus once a week is different than being stuck there for most of the week all day and not doing anything...its ok at the hospital and everything but i miss having time to waste during the day...and i had more to write but im getting tired so ill do it tomorrow i guess

hmmm

ive decided that i really dont like being scared and nervous about something and i dont like not knowing what is going to happen..it sucks royally and its a pain in the butt...my first day at the hospital really wasnt bad at all..saw a lot and learned a lot and forgot every name i was told but other than that it was fun..a little overwhelming but nothing horrible and having information thrown at me all day is nerve wrecking and i have no idea how people get used to it...fin aid is still screwed up big time and i just dont know how its going to be fixed..working everyday wont be to bad...class is going to be a big stresser and being in the hospital all day is really weird..it still makes me nervous just going back and forth on the floors..i cant help thinking that someone is going to jump out and grab me and put me in the hospital and ill never be able to get out again..i walked by the pysch unit a million times today and i asked if i ever got to go there and janet said not really but i could if i wanted to and set up the shadow thing and i said it would be fun..but i have no idea why i want to go..ok so i do know..i want to know how it works and what i ts like..and when i wasnt completely weirded out by it i was positive that somehow i would end up there and it would be so weird being in the hospital you worked at even for a short time..and im being really confusing right now..my head is all over the place im guessing and im in the library and dusti is gonna be so mad at me for leaving her all day and i went out to dinner with yvonne and it was fun..we were going to go to a movie but put it off for a few days..im gonna be by myself this weekend and im not sure i want that..im confusing myself a lot right now

...

its alright to be scared to be doing something new... i think..im putting off getting out of bed because im nervous and i dont know what im going to be doing..i would rather juts stay in bed all day and pretend to clean my room and eeverything but i cant..i have to get up very soon since ive lost almost half and hour doing nothing..i shouldnt worry since im pretty sure everything will be fine but i will anyway

bite me

life sucks and then you die - forgot where i saw that at but it was prolly some place i didnt need to be

yvonne is annoying me by trying to fix me up with on of her friends and i could tell her now that it wont work but instead ill ignore her when she brings it up

i did nothing but drag all my stuff from downstairs upstairs and now my room and half of the hallway looks like a tornado hit it and im just stuck in the middle

ugh so much to do but im going to bed anyway

uneasy

good news - i got my license today ...for some reason i dont care anymore so i guess the newness has worn off..but i get my car in afew days and then things will be just peachy..

or not even close

so i find out that as of right now i dont have any fin aid..what the heck am i supposed to be doing exactly?? they are dumb enough to tell me that my appeal was approved and now they dont even give me fin aid?! all they keep telling me is to wait until the admin guy makes a decision..well good grief classes start tomorrow and i have to go to the hospital..i dont have time to get to campus at any time anymore before 5 and what am i supposed to be doing if im technically not sign up for any classes because i know my schedule will be cancelled again soon..no idea what im supposed to be doing or thinking..i emailed dr miller to see what he says to do and at some point ill have to call mommy and tell her ive some how messed things up again and that i ahve to come up with a lot of money like now..things just have a really funny way of not working out when i think they are going pretty well...i had to go to a meteing today about field stuff and all of it is really overwhelming now..im perfectly fine being in dr bunch's class because i like her and i know she wont let me slack off but i looked at the sylabus and it freaked me out..we are in class once a week but theres all these huge projects that have to be done...i dont manage my time well and i know that but just looking at everything thats expected out of me is nerve wrecking and it makes me really nervous..just because maybe i know ill keep waiting till the last minute and then screw up and not graduate..now that everyone expects me to graduate ill be dumb enough to do something that will have me taken out of the program because i dont know how to handle stress in a good way..im perfectly fine with all the bad ways really..they dont bother me any more at all..maybe its just because im sitting here thinking about cutting...almost four months down the drain if i do..but then i talked to jenny well emailed her and we have once again decided that purging is the same as cutting..done differently but pretty much the same and so i can say im not cutting but i havent stopped doing the not so good things at all..and if i havent stopped then there isnt anything at all keeping me from cutting if i wanted too...and i also know that at any time reality will set in and i will realize that everything i just wrote is completely stupid and doesnt make sense and i know that but ill just keep ignoring it until i cant anymore..and im really not in a good mood right now at all..i have so much to do in the apartmnet and instead im sitting here writing this instead of putting my stuff away and cleaning up..just looking at the living room and how much stuff i have down to put away makes me want to scream and cry its so overwhelming..i have no idea where to start and i dont really want too but leaving it all down will make me feel really guilty...i dont want to be by myself right now but yvonne is busy and not here and so its just me and dusti for right now...i want to talk to someone but suddenly i have no one to talk to anymore...for a while when i started to not feel great i really wanted the safety of camp back...i knew if i talked there i would be listened too and i could talk about whatever i wanted to with bobbi jo and i was awfully close to telling her about cutting..we talked about dieting pretty often and i didnt come right out and say i b/p but i told her i did things that werent great at all and i also told to lay of fthe diet pills because they arent good..so i really want her right now but that wont happe nand im stuck with my own company and i dont want it...kinda funny i can bother myself without really doing anything..i cant figure out what im feeling really..and everytime i stop moving i juts want to cry...as much as i dont like therapy i keep going and now theres once again the possibilty i get to get out of therapy all together...and that bothers just because i have the whole contract thing going on and i kinda have to stay in therapy of some sort..and i just dont know if i want to start ovver...given its been a really long time with one person but ok i dont care...first thoughts just werent good at all and i dont want to think it anymnore but its in my head now...and i keep thinking about what i told the kids over the summer about how they need to be really careful about what they say and how it will affect someone else because onces its said it cant be taken back anymore..and you cant expect people to forgive you when you have seriously hurt there feelings...and i dont want to hurt anyone just because im in a bad mood..and i have a headache

i miss them

i just miss everyone from camp

obsessions

ok so i guess good news gets to go first....i found out today that im going to see te lion king on broadway in raleigh in oct with riley and harris and dee etc..she came in this morning and told me i needed to go and look up tickets for her and some other people and that i was going too..talk about surpirsed!!i asked her if she was serious and she was since im the one who got her credit card to buy all the tickets and i could drop dead for the amt of money she paid for those tickets but it doesnt hurt me any to agree to go..considering ive wanted to see the show since it came out like 6 years ago and ive never made it to ny to see it and when it was here i never got the chance to go and im sorry but i couldnt just shell out almost 200 bucks for one ticket! no way in a million years could i have done that..all the same i didnt have to pay and im going and it will be in oct and its not even like it can be taken away from me..mommy isnt in it at all..riley and harris want to go because i want to go...we talked about it today and seriously i watched the lion king every single weeked for almost two years and they watched it with me...i didnt make them or anything but it just kinda worked out that i liked it enough for all of us and so they watced it because it meant i was staying at there house instead of going home..if harris had his way i would never leave..riley told me today that i should go to cape fear so i could stay and babysit every weekend..dee always tells me i should transfer and just get a job being a nanny..and given the money is great and all i just dont want to be a nanny..i like kids and i like working with them but not as a nanny..riley and harris are in there own catergory since ive watched them grow up and im comfortable with them and them with me..why they like me so much ill never ever understand but i guess thats one of those things i dont need to look into too much becuase i dont know..if i ask them its simple stuff like because im fun and play with them and i know i dont do anything with them but what they see and what i see are the same in different ways..some day soon when i reread all of this i will wonder why in the world im feeling so incredibly mixed up right now..slighty sick and off but good grief im not getting my head today..yesterday was a really bad day and by the time i got home i had decided i was going to burn and nothing could talk me out of it..i wanted to cut but decided that would be way to messy to do at home..so it turned into burning and thinking about doing it made me incredibly happy because i was finally sure of something and not going back and forth..but then i get home and just didnt do it..got busy with other stuff and just stopped thinking about it really...i didnt do it last night and i didnt do it today but i did go and throw up..its depressing in so many wways..i wanted to stop and i almost thought i had and its all a bunch of lies..yesterday i started thinking that everything and everyone i saw and heard at camp was a bunch of lies too..everyone lies to me and it doesnt matter and what i want doesnt matter either because it iwll never be good enough..and i really want to believe all of that but i cant because i know bobbi jo and hollice didnt lie to me about anything..the fact that i could handle being touched and hugged without freaking out is enough to let me know i trusted them..everyone at camp i trusted not to hurt me in any way and no one did..almost three months of not being yelled at for anything is really good..i forgot for a wile that i was still a screw up..i ignored that i would have to go home and things wouldnt change at all just because i was gone..and the closer it got to going home the more i worried and the more i wondered if i would really be able to handle being back at home without doing any of the things i worked so hard to stop...it took less than two hours to remember that things dont change just because i really want them too..less time than that to remember i still suck and that doesnt really go away..and a couple days for the same old thoughts to set back in because i hear it all the time and have to agree with all of it because it makes no sense to disagree..three words to describe me at home weird, mean and selfish...three words to describe me at camp confident, dependable and determined..where has that person who lasted at camp gone?? i cant find any of the things they told me at camp anywhere in myself...i could i change so much in just a week..everything i thought i had figured out and dealt with has walked away..my head is always a back and forth battle because i try to hold on to what little bit of fun and safety i had at camp but im not at camp anymore and things arent the same either...the nicest thing ive heard since ive been back is that im not a bad driver but i still need practice...i have a whole list of things i need to work on and change though..its not that hard to see which side gets to win out..and i could fight it and disagree and for a while i refused to let go of all the things bobbi jo told me and how much i surprised her when i asked her if i was a bad person..but even that is starting to slip away..i remember what she said, i remember what they all said but its not that same when im not sitting there looking at them tell me...i believed them while i was at camp and it was fine there, i dealt with all the compliments and good wishes without disagreeing to any of them because i worked my butt off..tamara told me i had every right to brag because i had done a good job and i should be proud of myself...jim called me a goddess all summer long and wit hhim it was fine..what do they see in me that i dont see or believe..i know what they see in me but i cant believe it..not believing it though calls all of them liars and i dont want to do that..they dont lie to me..i asked bobbi jo to kidnap me before i left to go home..it was bobbi jo and hollice who stayed up and drank with me while mommy was two buildings away...i told bobbi jo my dreams and i asked tim about being a failure vs working hard..i let beth tackle me in the pond and got a million batteries from aaran for my camera..i would have never done any of that 3 months ago much less think about all of it and be happy..telling riley and harris about everything i did at camp is fun..its no big deal that i spent the better part of every week covered in paint or food..im not allowed to wear my sneakers anymore because theres paint and other junk on them..mommy tried to make me throw them away but i told her i wouldnt because they were signed and i wanted to keep them..so now im forever banned from wearing them...everyday i get up and do the same thing and still mange to get in trouble..my mosquito bites are a big issue..i keep scratching them and part of it is just a bad habit and part of it is because i like it in some weird completely not good way..i was seriously eaten alive and it shows big time on my arms and legs and it was my fault for scratching so much and im the only one who can be blamed for it..but mommy just keeps making me feel guilty for having more scars..no one will want to be around me because i have a million mosquito bites and it looks like i ahve some random disease..i would have thought it looked like i juts scratched my mosquito bites but i guess im looking at it wrong..i didnt realize working in the hospital would be such a big deal..who really cares what my finger nails will look like or if im wearing something new or something old...i have a million new clothes and shoes because im trying to make a good impression but i dont care..if its going to be this much of a hassle i dont want it..why have a job ill hate before i ever get to it..no point in graduating if ill have something standing right there to tell me everything that i might do wrong before i ever have the chance to do them...so much for having a chance to d o anything at all...im not trusted to do anything and what i do manage to do doesnt matter or count at all..no such thing as getting thanks for anything i do because its just expected of me..i have the time and so i need to use it well..if i do it fine but if i dont then im in trouble...if i forget im stupid or selfish..stupid and selfish should just be one word and save the world the trouble of attaching it to people..maybe ill get them tattooed on my arm and save mommy the trouble..i dont think she gets that i dont handle being at home well atall..she still thinks i started cutting because of school..prolly wont ever watse my time telling her the truth because i dont think she would believe me...for all the people who tell me im a horrible liar just havent seen me with mommy at all..i could drop dead tomorrow and it wouldnt matter at all..it wouldnt be noticed either..i would bet that mommy would have it fixed before i hit the ground and no one would ever know..i could just disappear and itwould be like i never existed...i had to deal al ot with control issues over the summer and i had the same conversation a million times..yes you are in control of everything you do and that no one can make you do anything..good or bad once its done you cant take it back...i told those kids again and again that it was up to them to change there behaviors and they swore they couldnt..but i kept telling them the same stuff until they listened to me and believed me..but im still a hypocrite in the worst way..i know now that i control what i do if i like it or not or want to admit it or not but i refuse to believe any of it..im still half expecting to be saved by someone..i still want to go away to get out of dealing with anything...the more i start to accept anything the easier it is to turn around and lose all of it..how many stupid times do i have to start at the beginning and do all of it over again..i knew better than purging today and i did it anyway because i had too..because i wanted too..i didnt cut yesterday or burn because i didnt reallywant too..thinking about it and planning it worked for what went on...i can sit there and hear how mean and selfish i am without moving ..tell me im good and ill want to go walk into traffic without looking back...it doesn make sense..i should try harder, i should want it more..i cant be wexpected to deal with a bunch of kids and there problems when i keep working really hard to ignore that i have any..all day today riley has been attached to my hip and hes forever rubbing my arms..and i keep moving my arm and pulling on my shirt because i dont want himi to get my sleeve to go up any more..i dont want to have to tell him i was in a car accident as a kid because there will be agood chance he will remember and ask mommy about it...especially after i tell him ive never broken a bone or been stitched up..not counting all the times i needed stitches and didnt get anyone..its my fault i have scars going everywhere across my body that i work hard for the most part to keep covered up...its stupid that it really offends me that mommy is trying hard to take away that control..i shopped perfectly fine before she ever knew about the scars and now i walk into a store and everyhting because a question about if its cut to low or will it cover my arms..i dont need or want the help...i bouguht shirts that i knew where cut way to low for me to wear without a jacket and then i got the bright idea to wear a regular tshirt under it to make sure my arms where covered up and it works fine..its not a big deal..but now all of it is a big deal andi dont know what im doing since i need help..im lucky i can still pick out my own clothes most days and thats even a hard won battle because theres forever something wrong with my outfits..i need to do this or change that...my head is going to explode one of these days..i watch myself take all of this and not do anything about it but keep breaking apart inside because its the only thing that works until even that turns into to much and i have to do something else...i wonder what will happen when i run out of things to do..where will i go, one of these days ill have to figure out that i cant be protected from myself beucase i cant escape myself..i have to live with everything i do but since im you know completely working on destroying whats left of my body just because i can i wonder if i can throw it away and get a new one
im sick of writing and tomorrow ill just be able to hate myself for staying up half the night

bored

really im so bored right now...ive spent all day doing nothing except straightening up while dee and them were gone but even that didnt take forever..so i watched tv and played online and just couldnt find anything interesting to do and no one was around to chat with...so im watching charlie and the chocolate factory right now..the new one finally and i really want to see finding neverland again...dee asked me the other night to find out when ill be out for holidays so she can plan the trip to disney world.. i cant beleive im actually going still..and i was asked to go to myrtle beach this week and i told her i wouldnt mind doing it if i got my license before i went...i got to drive to the store yesterday. oh granny is back now and in the hospital..mommy wanted her down here because driving to ohio just took to much..so she is here now.

back to reality

i miss being a camp..it was simple and we had the same schedule every single day..no surprises at all and nothing unexpected...kinda funny how easy it is to get used to that..but now its over with for a year and im back in the real world with all the stuff i got to leave behind for a good while...given i came to riley and harris's house today and they got back and ran to give me hugs...i did miss them..but also dealing with them isnt the same anymore..i spent 2 months working with kids who had serious problems and now its easier to see i guess the extremes kids can take when they are sad and so nothing else bothers me anymore...weird in some far off way im to tired to worry about right now...i should be sleeping but harris is taking over my bed rightnow and im working up the energy to move him..but i prolly wont so its no big deal..not to mention he wont be happy with me if i move him lol..

so camp stuff..really hard leaving and it was completely different from anything i have ever done in my life..when i went there i wasnt expecting to leave planning on going back..i didnt really think about the learning expriences or any of that..but theen i get there and never want to leave or that they would ask me to come back..but a lot of us are going back next year or planning on going back..white water rafting was my favoritest thing to do..rock climbing, the tower, and all the hiking was just really hard and tiring but worth it...my last great feat was rock climbing which linda even heard about..but i think ive scarred my knee up big time with that one though..but i did it and got to the top twice and paid for it big time the next day when moving was a pain in the butt...i keep wondering what all the staff are doing and if they are having fun...my last night was great though..i got my own closing ceremony and heard all of this stuff about myself that i never would have considered..suddenly im respected and and trusted by this whole group of ppl when i think i sucked most of the time...but hearing them istn the same as hearing someone else..because we were all stuck there together and i cant say i did something by myself because everything i did went back to admin really fast and i never got in trouble for anything..i wasnt yelled at for anything i did..instead they called it creative and staying on top of things..and the few times i did start to really doubt what i was doing..jon or arran out of the blue told me i was doing a really good job....i lasted throug all of it without cutting..scratched the heck out of every measly mosquito bite i got but i didnt cut..considered it but it wasnt really an option anymore..i dont think it will work the same but i wont hold myself to that either...now its just kinda wait for it to pass and then move on to something else...before i left i think i was hugged by everyone a million times and it was nice..of course then since it was my last night me hollice and bobbi jo were drinking in the laundry room when nia comes and tells me mommy is at camp..not that it messed anything up because i took her back to the swamp as soon as i could and went back but it was really unexpected but it worked out and so my last day was fun..leaving the girls was hard too..they woke up crying and promising to come back next year..the one we had the most trouble with will most likely be back next year..and it will be kinda cool seeing all of them or even some of them again..some i never want to see again but i will work with them if i have too...