hiking

today i get to leave for my last four day hike...not sure what to think about it since i really dont want to even go on this hike..im not feeling ready for it at all...but im going and we will finish and it will be over and done with and then it will be only like a week and a half before im going home.. and then a week before i leave to go back to school...im ready to go home though but back to my apartment kinda thing..i miss dusti and it will be fun getting to play with her again...working with the girls isnt that bad though..they are easier than the boys surprisingly but they give me a million headaches!...arran asked me to come back next year the other night and i would go between all the programs and i told him i would think about it...funny they really want me to come back next year..not that i have any plans anyway but still...i think it would be fun to live in asheville...

sucky day to leave for the hike though..not feeling good anymore and the dates just arent good at all but ill figure something out..

lots to tell

so ive finished my first two sessions at camp and last session was so so so hard...it really got to the point where i considered just leaving i couldnt handle everything that was going on and it was hard and it sucked but hollice and bobbi jo really helped with all of it..and i did feel better knowing all of us broke down once or twice and its not such a big deal..better to cry than do other stuff im guessing...but the kids went home today and i wasnt expecting to be so sad over it but just seeing the pictures of all of them and i miss them all ready..couldnt stand them most of the time they were here but i still miss them..and the more i say it sucks being here and it will suck going home im ready to go home..im also really considering coming back next year..so are hollice and bobbi jo..but still major cool that bobbi jo is in nc anyway! so im off for the next couple days and its weird having so much free time all of a sudden to myself! like no kids around and i can walk around any way i want too without having a million and a half eyes on me..suddenly being a role model is a lot of work..but not cursing or smoking is seriously good around kids..like they found out quick i dont like cursing around me..i can handle it with staff but not with a bunch of measly 11 year olds..the jerks but anyway they found out halfway that bobbi jo may smoke and the first thing out of there mouths is that shes not there role model anymore and they didnt like her..i mean good grief you would think the world was going to end tomorrow and bobbi jo was the cause of it...weird but i dont know..true they arent habits ive picked up but still no need to condemn the person who does it..but that really annoyed me with them..that and boys are a bunch of wimps..we had to do the 4 day hike this session and yea i did it once before but doing it again with kids is a lot different...i mean they couldnt carry stuff in there packs and they wouldnt walk and they cried everynight and i wanted to just leave them there or push them off the cliffs and i wasnt sorry when one was stung by bees because they were all just annoying me..here i am getting more stuff added to my pack and hating walking the more i did it and getting blisters and being sore just like them and i didnt complain..not once did i say a word to anyof them excpet to threathen to give them the god forsaken med pack i hated carrying that felt like it was a small child strapped to my body in additon to the 50pd pack i had on my back..and im working with girls next session and im ready for teh change...im a little sick of the boys..im tired of living with boys and how gross they can get really quick..but still im a bit worried about working with girls..yea im a girl but i could care less about makeup and guys and air head stuff..i like talking about movies and books and tv and random junk that wouldnt make sense to anyone else go figure..but still im working with bobbi jo and hollice again so it will work out somehow..and i kinda know one of the girls we have and shes a hand full..she was here for the first session and just watching her bothered me a lot...im ready to go home..like school home...i really really miss dusti and all of my stuff and being able to do what i want and getting to sleep till 9 and not eating 3 times a day..who knew eating on schedule can become mundane really fast..ugh..that doesnt make sense but im sitting here completely hungry and dont really want to eat camp food again...but i cant spend money either..so camp it is for now...

hmmm ive been at camp for a little over a month and a half..and really only three weeks left since im leaving the tenth of august anyway and then im going to try really hard to get abck to greenville as soon as i can..i really need to get mail and stuff i have no idea whats happening with the fin aid stuff..ugh its nerve wrecking not knowing anything..but anyway so ive been here for a while and ive talked more here than i have in my life..thats kinda what it feels like..i dont really have the option of not talking here because suddenly what i have to say really does matter and im asked what i think more than im just left to myself..if i dont want to talk i dont but more often than not i manage something to say..ive learned alot and not just about working with kids..i just kinda managed to pick up on a few things i needed to learn about myself..like i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for and that being scared about something doesnt make it wrong and that giving myself a chance at something isnt the end of the world either...ive hiked a lot here and hiking is really good for thinking..and now i know there is a difference between working hard and failing at something..ive been thinking about my last homework assignment thing and im not afraid of it anymore..that ive thought about it much directly but just in general it doesnt scare me that much anymore..im still a bit leary of thinking about dying in a none dying way but just what would other people think of me isnt so scary anymore since i have people telling me all the time what they think of me and none of it is bad..i havent had anyone say anything bad about me the whole time ive been here...i get complimented more here than i have since i dont know when..the rocket i made once again was the best out of all the groups and tamara told me it was ok to brag and that i should brag because i was good at it..not in a mean way but because i am good at making those things and i like making them..i like hiking and i like rafting and i like all of this stuff i would have never considered trying in my life if i hadnt come here..ive been trying to find things that clear my head without a lot of hassle and i have that here...just without looking for it anymore i find it in stuff i wouldnt have considered doing ever in my life...and then i do it and like it and i can so it without stresssing about other stuff that bothers me..its not like i dont get stressed here becasue i do but i cant handle it the same way i usually do..the options arent the same and yea if i really wanteed to i could walk out of the kitchen wth a knife or a thing of salt but i havent..i dont think about it much anymore..i have so many bug bites the scars on my arm arent that important!! im being eaten alive here literally and bug sprays are a bunch of lies...i live in the stuff and i still get biten all the time..but anyway

funny how i can be so stressed out for most of the day and still manage to randomly think up other stuff..a lot of nights i just want to go to sleep but sometimes i want to do other stuff like write or read which im doing tonight just to get a break

kinda i dont know

'your silence will not protect you' bumper sticker


its been a weird few days..cried the other night because i was just way past being annoyed and upset..so i ended up just going off for a little while to be by myself but bobbi jo and hollice both knew i was crying..bobbi jo told me if i need to take a break to go ahead and so i did...cried for a while and then went back and still wasnt ok...but i just stayed quiet and didnt really talk to anyone for a while and ended up falling asleep and waking up feeling better but not great..like now im better but not completely...it took like a full 24hrs to get the viocodin out of my system..viocodin is just nice and beth gave them to me and i gave one to bobbi jo and it was ok..but still hmm hollice went out later that night and got me flowers and ice cream and sprinkles and some other stuff..and bobbi jo just listened to me...they both give really good hugs too..the touching thing is a little confusing here..like i still have my dont touch me policy somewhere but with the people im working with i dont mind them giving hugs..it really is all we have to give each other when things are hard...for a few days i was really thinking about cutting and when i couldnt do that i thought about burning and at the time i couldnt get anything to burn with..so i didnt..realy all thats left is crying or writing and i write all the time..i just didnt really care about the crying..and for as much as i dont do it and completely refuse to cry most of the time it just happened..i thought about stopping it and i did while i was in group and had to lsiten to all of it but after group i wasnt sure what i wanted to do anymore..so cry it was..and it wasnt a big deal...had i been at home it would have been a huge deal and mommy would have told me to just stop..she always told dont cry until i had something to cry about ..good grief i cried over everything for a while when i was younger..but that didnt last long either once i figured out crying wasnt the greatest thing to do because it just made things worse..so anyway..the kids for this session are just hard..i miss the younger kids..eventhough i still get to see tyler its not the same..he told me he would miss me when he went home and i told him i would miss him too..bobbi jo and hollice both tell me they learn so much..i had to talk to a kid who was being just umm having a hard day and getting aggressive and we had to make him go down the mountain and it was hard because it went from having fun to being incredibly serious in like minute..he threw the waterbottle and i just turned around and told him to go down and he refused to move so we picked him up and made him walk..we go for a while and he just starts talking about how he deserves to die and it was hard..i didnt believe him but just te fact that he said it made me realize he had thought about it before..but thinking about it and doing it arent hte same thing..still hearing some kid say that is hard..so we sit him down and i end up being the one talking to him..not that imentioned anything about being suicidal but just about how it is possible to control what you are doing and how you have to take responsibilty for what you do becasue no one else can..and when we were leaving i asked bobbi jo if she thought i did ok and she looked at me like i had lost my mind ..if it hadnt been so serious i would have laughed at her..but yea she told me that she was listening to me and wanting to change and saying how she had run out of stuff to tell him and that i did really good at staying calm and he was responding to what i was saying...hollice told me that in a way once before with tyler and its not that i dont believe them because they arent lying to me and i know that but its hard still hearing all of the positive stuff all the time..it just makes it that much more weirder because im not expecting it and im not asking for it...hmm so things are back to manageable..i leave for my four day hike on thursday and im kinda looking forward to it but not really..im worried about the kids we are taking on the hike but who knows maybe it will work out but im not expecting it to be the greatest thing ive ever done either..but at least i know i can do it this time..ive done it once what makes doing it again seem like such a big deal..and ive run out of stuff to talk about for now since i only have like 15 more mins before i have to go back to work!

been awhile

so camp is in full swing now..our first set of kids left yesterday and it was so stressful and some of the kids were just horrible because they knew they were going home and they played the i dont have to listen to you anymore card a heck of a lot and it sucked big time...i was so glad to get rid of a couple of ym kids but at the same time i already miss them and im worried about forgetting them..but my groups have changed too..this session im working with the 12 year old boys and im working with hollice and bobby jo and this session we are doing the four day hike and im already dreading it..but i guess it does make me feel better knowing that i have already done it and lasted through it in one piece so maybe it wont be so bad..still i will miss the little kids i had because the 8-11 year olds were fun too...so today is destress day and it is relaxing..heck i got to take a shower for as long as i wanted it to be and it was so srelaxing.. and im feeling better today..something was really bothering me last night and it hasnt completely gone away but its not so bad anymore..not really sure what it was but i guess ill figure it out soon enough..but all that matters for now is that i am feeling better...on the last night of the kids being here we had a closing ceremony thing and we all had to go around the circle and say something nice about everyone one at a time and it was fun and hard and unexpected..tamara and hollice had really nice things to say about me..tamara told me that i was quiet and calm and that was a good thing because i was thoughtful and not rushed to jump into anything..and then to make it harder we had to say something good about ourselves and i was not wanting to do that either but i did something i had learned instead and i said that i learned i was a lot stronger than i thought i would be..than i thought i could be..i have done a lot of things that i never would have ever in a million years considered doing..i talk more here than i have in my life and im listened too..just staff wise not kid wise because thats just something completely different..but people come to me asking for advice and just to talk..i really liked talking to jim and hollice and tamara and mina and just everyone..im still quiet but its not a bad thing...everyone says in paitent and once i did think i was but now im not so sure because i always feel like im just short tempered and who knows maybe i am patient..but camp is really more fun than i thought it would be..funny i dont mind being touched here like hug wise either..here its ok and needed and wanted and it helps...im so ready to go white water rafting again because it was a lot of fun and with al lthe rain we have been getting it will be so muc h cooler..but im alright if not a little off today but im nervous about tomorrow still..i think i will come back next year though..the kids i wasnt even working with them and they asked if i was coming back...maybe i will because i like it here..better than that maybe ill just move to asheville because i like it here..its quiet here and not busy and just overall really nice..and i should go soon since im slacking seriously on my summaries i was supposed to be writing like three days ago! but im fine even though i am being eaten alive by bugs..i got a skeeter stik yesterday and its cool becuase now i can carry it around and work on not scratching my bites...jim threathened to put me in gloves if i kept scratching because a bunch of my bites were just past being bites anymore...but its been almost two months with no cutting..i think this might be the longest ive ever gone without it! jim calls me goddess and has since the lifegaurd test but i dont mind because its kinda nice in its own way...but hmm things are cool here..the weather sucks a lot because its so hot and then it gets cold and then it storms for three days at a time..but things to do so im off..

ps if i see one more pb&j ill scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!