camping stuff

ive been at camp for a little over a week or exactly a week and its been busy but fun and boring but tiring! ive gone up a mountain like 6000ft in the air at one point and it was so pretty and quiet and i got a bunch of nice pictures...i like everyone who works here and all of us counselors get along really well...ive done cpr and firwst aid training and got certified..i did the lifeguard stuff and swam the ten laps..i say twenty because of the way its counted but for the record i did what i had to to be certified...im not going to get certified though because im not comfortable doing some of the skills and i would hate to let some kid drown because i cant get comfortable in the deep water t ogo save them and im not a strong enouhg swimmer to save them..so i wont be certified this time..but the swimming stuff itsself was really really really hard..i was one of the last swimmers and so it ended up that everyone was just cheering me on and telling me not to give up and to keep going even though i wanted to stop and couldnt see because i kept wanting to cry i was so i dont know..by the time i was done there were people on both sides on the pool and everytime i went to one end all i could here was you know keep going and your doing great even though i was going so slow..i never ever want to get in another swimming pool as long as i live! im still really proud of myself for doing it though and everyone told me they were proud of me too and for some of the people who didnt finish i became like inspiration! still dont know how i managed that because i say i wasnt that great and i took forever to finish but knowing that i did it is ok for me at least for now..for some reason here its ok to be proud of myself for something ive done..i have other people telling me ive done a good job on something almost every day..more than once a day like they somehow know im not comfortable with it so they tell me and tell me and tell me until i am..i dont fight it so much here because i guess i know ive worked my butt off..last night was really hard because i found out that yvonne did osmething really stupid and now my bank junk is all screwed to heck and back and i cant do anything for it now..i dont know what to do for it and i dont even get paid for another couple weeks and jim saw me last night when i was almost crying and asked if i wanted a hug and i said no but he saw me this morning and asked how i was doing and i let him give me a hug..i wanted to cut, i planned on cutting but i didnt..i went and hung out in the art and craft room for a while and worked on the bad word jar i was making for camp and it kept me busy but it was quiet enough to lower my aniexty about everything i guess...still not feeling great but im not as upset as i was over it yesterday..im leaving to day fo ra four day hike with my group..all the groups go on a four day hike and im nervous about it but it helps knowing that everyone is nervous about it..i dont feel so alone...im still not comfortable having to do the fire stuff but matt said he would help me learn to light matches...so ill give it a try and hope like heck i dont start a forest fire because my method of getting them to light and then dropping them just might not be a good idea..but its like full out camping and we have to purify our water and umm bleach in water im not a fan of either ...but the people in my group know to remind me to drink my water and to keep giving me water until i do drink it..i actually finished more than 40oz yesterday! milestone for me considering ive still barely been getting more than 30oz of anything...eating is going ok i guess but i dont know..im actually eating tofu now ..not really veggies but im the only vegetarian in the group kinda and so everyone is forever asking why i decided to become a veggie person and everyone is still so supportive of it..i dont really stand out much..weird people come and ask me to help them with the knots we were supposed to learn be cause i caught on to them first..we do group every day three or more times a day, we have to make goals every morning and then they are checked on to see if we did them or not or how they were going..its not even that being positive is being crammed down my throat but it is a huge part of everything here...

like i could reall leave without writing..i dont think i would have made it out the door knowing i could have completely ignored mommy and thought up something to write but since im already getting yelled at ill make this quick..woke up feeling sick and of course got on line and got to talk to jenny for a bit .. still am and she always makes me feel better..so now im ok and slighty happy ..so im ok again and not really wanting to do anything but i know i need to fiinish pulling my stuff together so i can start cleaning up..so randomly i was thinking yet again about why im having second thoughts about camp and i guess it was one of those duh moments..some how i had been thinking around the problem that i still think ill leave and somehow ill be forgotten..two and a half months is a really long time to go anywhere thats not school and even thats a long time sometimes..but i have a few problems with thinking im going to be forgotten and it makes me nervous...i know im not the greatest person alive but i wonder how easy it would be to forget me...so now that i know whats actually bothering me im not sure i know how to fix it but ill figure out something...but im sure ill think about it plenty on the 6hour drive up there..ugh i hate being in the car for more than two hours now after that stupid chicago trip..and im back to complaining..so i think ill just go and finish cleaning up and what not

so not drugged

i should be in bed right now..but im way to nervous to sleep..im to nervous to think and im watching a fairly interesting movie about well something i didnt need to watch...and its well sad but has a good ending..so instead i watch dusti run back and forth and wonder if she will be ok without me...shes getting more used to everyone in the house because now she will come to the den with henry still in it..sure she still stays longer with just me but at least i know for a little while that dusti will be ok..after that i dont know but still hoping for the best at least..no idea what id do if i came back and found out dusti somehow managed to go away...so ummm i was thinking about how much i would agree to take anti anything right now..viacodin being way at the top of the list...prolly vailum next since ive done the prozac bit for a while and another one but yea viacodin would make it possible for me to handle anything and just be a smiling idiot while i did whatever i was doing..valium on the other hand would dull me out completely until i still didnt care but in a dead sort of way..but right this minute i dont care...i wouldnt take them anyway but thinking about taking them is keeping me from fidgeting off a cliff or something..im trying to sit still but i keep wanting to move or shake or pace or something but i cant because im just making myself worry more thinking mommy is going to come walking down the hallway and find out im still awake..but all the same ill have to go soon..and until im actually ready to leave i didnt think it would bother me so much...feeling seriously alone right now and i think i just made it worse than it had to be but mommy is working hard at getting to me and im trying hard not to let her.i dont want to give in..not now..i juts cant...not that i dont hear what she says but ifs she sint watching me like a hawk she ignores me completely unless she wants something.. soo i dont know..i just think i need to grow up and stop complaining..good grief ill settle for anything that will make me sleep right about now