not great

i have another watch now..i had forgotten how much i liked my watch since my battery died in the other one..but now i have another one and i should prolly work on finding out if itsw waterproof or not..although im not sure i want to stick my watch that ive had for less than a week in a sink full of water..i feel stupid right now really angry and really stupid..and i have talked myself out of cutting but im not sure it will last..and just knowing i can ruin so much by doing one thing makes me want to cry...i found this poem thing online through a group and its really good but really sad and ive tried to read it a million times and i can make it half way through but then i have to stop because it starts to hurt..funny how just reading something can make a person hurt but it does..it makes me think of a lot of different things not really things ive forgotten but just things i dont want to think about...it makes me think about some of my old poems..reading them makes me want to cry but i still wonder how i thought them up to begin with...most likely just an overload on lifetime..which im watching now and its the movie on cutting...i saw it like half an hour ago before it came on and i planned on watching it but then i couldnt get myself to calm down and changed my mind...went and made something to eat and cleaned the kitchen a little bit and watched something else on tv before deciding i could handle watching it...its like some unwritten rule ive thought up and i have to watch it everytime it comes on and good mood or not i do..sometimes it just makes me want to cut more and i do and sometimes i can watch it just to watch it..ive seen it enough that i know the whole movie because it was the first time i ever learned about cutting in the first place..i remember be cause i watched it with nia and henry the very first time it ever aired and we watched it and i dont know why it put the idea in my head but it did...i think i thought about it and then started but i dont know..i still remember the first time i cut..but ive forgotten almost every other time ive done it..wonder why i can remember the first time but cant remember any others, obvisously i know i did it since well i can look at my arms and legs and see them..i dont really remember the first time i burned though..i know i talked about it with susan before i did it because i had found out how but i wasnt sure what would happen and when i talked to her i swore i wouldnt do it and did anyway but she wasnt mad at me when i told her i had...i think i would have rathered she had gotten mad and yelled at me but she didnt..mommy on the other hand just got mad when she found out and did the whole im going in the hospital if i dont stop...and even though i know all the little ruiles that go with being put in the hospital against yyour will i still believe she can do it..it doesnt matter if it wont work or not...im not sure id be feeling really happy with anyone how tried to put me in the hospital..anyway im really not in a good mood..so sommmething else to think about...and i thought about it and cant think of anything else right now so back to cutting..not even that i really want to it just seems like i cant and so ill just think about it because i can...i dont want to take razors with me when i leave on friday and i cant decide..how can i not decide on something like that..its simple i say no im not bringing anything and then get there and could prolly find something if i needed too but thats assuming ill keep cutting..so much for being positive...but if i bring one and just dont use it then that might count as a semi good thing but still with the same idea that i plan on cutting...not really seeming like theres a way out of any of it...besides i could keep doing what i do and keep hiding it and not care but somewhere in the past few weeks that has changed a little bit...yvonne saw my legs and she asked what happened and i said nothing and now i dont know..more than ever everytime i think about all the scars i get really sad..how could i do this to myself and not do anything about it..although im not sure what i could do...outside of stopping but im still not entirely sure i want to and i should..but i dont know why..wonder if it really does scare ppl? for a while i was sure my teachers thought i was going to kill myself because thats all they could think...but there social workers and maybe its not a new thing but i dont know how many ppl they know who do it..and i guess they know me in a way and now they know i cut and they might not know why but they dont know how much i do either...no one really knows how much i do i dont think..i guess all that they can do is worry that ill accidently kill myself...and i say accidently because as much as i might want to die i wont do it intentionallly...accidently maybe if i got far enough along to really consider it again..but i dont want anyone to worry about me..i say i can handle it and i can control it and im fine but now im not sure if im lying to them or to myself..on some level sure im fine because theres no such thing as not being fine..but i dont control anything...but if cutting can count as an addiction and they never really go away then i dont see the point in stopping as long as it works..and that is just really screwed up and i know it is...maybe im screwed up enough that i cant be fixed again
or maybe i just need to find something else to do with my time

i think im heading to bed soon .. but im not sure..my eye is really being a pain right now and im trying not to bother the stupid thing but the more it hurts the more i want to pick at it...ended up shopping with henry and nia today and got funny looks when i went and got a happy meal with no meat..played sims with henry and watched dusti wander around the house..but i finally finished packing..all of it that im taking minus one thing that i just have to stick in something tomorrow..but its all done and now i just have to wait until friday..i found out today ill be babysitting on thursday for sissy not that i mind and i think it will be fun for a while anyway..but then because of that i really wanted to finish packing today so it would be one less thing to worry about this week..i got a call today from the student health place and it was really unexpected but they wanted to know if i was coming back to have my bp checked and i said i was doing it here knowing that i wasnt..but then i started feeling guilty because its not that i dont care..hmm ok so i dont care but its just i cant afford to get sick and i feel fine and i stopped b/p which is prolly the reason my bp was out of whack anyway so ill just wait a little longer and then go back and see what they say..hopefully by the end of the summer it wont be an issue but if it is then ill have to go from there..and theres a nurse at camp who will know so i dont think it will be a big deal at all but then knowing me the chances of even going back to the doc are slim to none but not a complete no for now either...got a bunch of luna bars today and coloring books..im going to camp with coloring books lol..and i sent yvonne a letter asking for one from there too so ill be set..and i got a new notebook just to have since i wont be online to often and if i dont have a way towrite ill just drive myself up the wall..prolly means ill need to find a way to not lose very pen i own in a week again..hmmm ive been forgetting my vitamins..no real idea when i stopped again but i know its been a couple weeks at least if not more..prolly closer to three though..dont know..

long weekend

Im finally back home after spending the whole holiday weekend with riley and harris and I worked for a good part of it but I still spent a lot of time just hanging out over there playing games and wasting time…going home wasn’t even an option and dee didn’t ask and harris was positive he was going to keep me for the full amount of free time I had…so it a long weekend but kinda fun..played phase 10 so much ill be dreaming about those crazy cards…hung out on the dock while harris fished..talked both of them into helping me clean up..tyler came over too fdr a couple days and that gave me a break from riley and harris…harris decided he was going to send me a care package and he said it was going o be full of candy and it was a nice thought but im not expecteing anything lol..It was fun planning it out though since he went through the sales papers and asked me to point out every type of candy I possibly liked..so that was nice and then both of them told me I wasn’t a loser when I said I was because no one called me..they told me I was one of there best friends and gave me hugs while they said it and it was ok and I was ok surprisingly…I don’t disagree with them as hard when they tell me something like that…I told riley he wasn’t a loser when he said he was because no one emailed him and then told him I would email him of course… and reminded him he didn’t have many people to email in the first place..i spent most of the weekend at the beach house but not at the beach..i asked dee if I could borrow the beach house in oct for me and yvonne and she said it would be fine if they werent living there..i told her I would ask again when it was closer to the time I wanted it..and then I went and told yvonne enough to make her wonder what I was up too but it will be a surprise for her extremely late birthday present because she wants to come to wilmington for some odd reason..i think figure out would be a nice place to spend the break if it all works out..now all I have to do is think of an actual gift to give her when I get back…now I think I have to actually seriously start packing or finish packing or find all my junk and figure out what I still need…mommy keeps buying me stuff and them telling me to pay her back and if I wanted to do that I could just pick out my own stuff but it didn’t work out like that and so mommy got half of it but I already know there are still a few things I need and a ton of packing to do…still havent cut and I think I just forgot about it for a while..i think ill actually make it but I don’t want to think to much about it because I have a habit of telling myself ive done really good just to turn around and screw it up over something small…as soon as I start realizing I havent cut for a while and start giving myself congrats for it, I just start thinking about it and everything will bother me until I do screw it up..like being happy so isnt an option and if I screw it up I have something I can be annoyed with myself about..hmmm guess it works out then I think but still im trying all the same…I tell riley and harris good things about themselves all the time while im with them and sometimes when im not but if I can be positive with them then its not like im never positive..i just happen to have to direct it at other people because its easier and not that im suddenly giving myself tons of positive thoughts im just giving all the bad ones a break…not counting the random I hate you’s that always float through my head..but not so much of the other things …I think being nervous is just pushing everything else out of the way for now…harris was right when he said my being gone for about 2 months is normal because I am with school and its just occasionally that im back for this long without it being a real holiday…but im not to school on Friday im going to camp and that is just a weird feeling..i never thought I would even go camping let alone work at a camp..still since I was always the nut who wanted to go camping as a kid I guess ill get my chance…sure its like 50 million years later than when I actually wanted to go but better late than never…so camp is like 4 days away and im starting to worry juts a bit..i keep thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong..i wonder if ill get stupid and forget I know how to swim and drown or something weird..prolly not and I want to stop thinking ill die..funny I said want and not should..i thought should and then rethought it..have ti rethink the wants and shoulds..that being one of the things I actually remember from therapy…yesterday I was thinking about my last homework thing that im supposed to be working on and I still havent made much progress with it..but at least I finally got around wanting everyone to say I sucked..but now that I got around it I don’t know what I want anyone to say…I ran out of bad things and all that’s left is good ones and I have no idea what anyone would say..ive thought about it for almost a month and im still wondering what in the world anyone would say..well what I want anyone to say..im half ready to just go ask yvonne..but I wont ill just keep thinking about it until I can figure it out…I think the whole thing just worries me a bit…not really the assignment but what ill have to figure out..stupid wants..i think im just scared ill actually start wanting something or just find out what in the world it is I want from life…I don’t know ok so I know and I just don’t want to have to think about it or deal with it or even know I know it ..but eventually I guess ill have to figure it out but I think it will take a while but then everything takes me a while…oh well I guess ill figure it out…ij talked to yvonne yesterday and it still surprises me that she says it bothers her that mommy doesn’t let me talk..i thought she had forgotten about that…its just that I don’t notice the same things other people do since I have to deal with it all the time…I still don’t really notice it but if other people can then it must happen…it didn’t bother me much that she brought it up or that shes mad about it..it just bothers me that she knows it…not that she can stop it or anything but I don’t really want her to know and so the way im treated comes up and I always tell her its nothing big or anything and I don’t really think she agrees with me…its not even a problem that’s shes mad about it when im not because I think there are a few people who are mad for me because I just kinda don’t let myself get mad for any of it…well not in a way that really shows I guess but I don’t think it counts as being fair if I let other people be mad for me because its not doing anything for me and I cant control what other people think or feel anyway right? So one of these days ill have to take over all of that but I don’t know when that will happen or what will make it happen..maybe it will never happen but then that whole reality and fantasy part comes to mind…everything seems to be off balance with me…so I guess ive rambled enough but its been a while and ive had lots of time to think and I guess its time to stop lounging in bed and start being productive

microscope

im tired and annoyed and trying hard to come up with any reason at all not to cut...even went and looked at razors while i was in the store but i didnt get any..dont know why but i just didnt get any ..i did get shavers though but not for the purposes of breaking them apart...im trying hard not to break my almost full month with no cutting...i dont want to screw it up because its been forever and a day since ive made it a whole month for anything..so maybe it will work out..and since im actually working on it im up writing because im not sure if i want to go to sleep tonight..i have to wake up really early to help henry with somehting and then i can go back to bed if i really want to but its hard for me to wake up and then go back to sleep.. so i got roped into helping him and im trying to be mad at him about it but im not, not really because he did take me back to the store and hes been taking me all over the place lately although its just annoying me more and more that no one will let me drive..i found out today that yvonne has her car and license now and thats really cool but i still have to have mine before i go back in aug..no way around it anymore..so ill just work on that as it comes i guess..hmmm went shopping again today for camp stuff and once again even though i knew what i wanted mommy didnt listen to me much...shes starting to get on nia about gainnig weight even if it is from her meds..she gets on me for not losing weight fast enough..but then if i do she tells me that i need to be careful and slow down...among other things..so its back to the same old i suck thoughts..i keep being reminded that im just not good enough and it sucks because i believe it..even if i know that at school i do things by myself and everything...but then i come here and just forget all of it..i havent been taking my vitamins..i dont care that much about it..just back to the overall sad feeling that refuses to go away..and tthat ive spend the past two days being stared at..it always feels like im being watched or judged or inspected..it makes me worry about how i look and i told nia today that mommy has an a problem with forever judging ppl on looks and since we live here we have to deal with it alot..and its not fair at all..it just makes me more paranoid and much farther away from being comfortable in my own skin..wonder how much it would take to really become a whole new person..maybe it would make things easier and maybe i would be better at dealing with stuff..i talked to jenny a little bit yesterday and she told me that maybe it really is a good thing that im going away for the summer because the change of scenery would be a good thing and a way to get my mind off things..and i hadnt thought of it like that because im so worried about if i will like it or not or if i will be able to handle it and i wasnt considering much that ill be going away all summer..not bored at home or bored at school but actually getting outside and doing something with my summer..true i need the job but this is one of those once in a lifetime kinda things becasue if nia havent really asked me to apply for the job i wouldnt have...i wouldnt have because mommy kept telling me i needed to do it..not because i might like it but because i would be getting paid a decent amt for a summers worth of work..and so i refused but nia asked and i did and now i am going away and it will be the first time ive been gone for a full summer..farthest ive gone too i think in a long time without mommy hanging around at the same time..things are easier without mommy..i can make my choices and i wont be as paranoid after a couple weeks i think...so even with all the packing and arguing and everything ill try to be as positive as i can be..even if it means looking incredibly deep to find where ive managed to hide all the positive stuff that actually pertains to me...might not believe but ill think about it...talked to yvonne today and she told me she made me a camp package thingy but since im not at camp yet and i dont know the address i promised not to open it until im in camp for a while...and ill hide it under my bed so ill forget about it until i needd it..but it was nice to find out she remembered and got me stuff..i wasnt expecting it..random thought i wonder if i can get away with not calling mommy for almost 3 months..prolly not but anyway..yea talking to yvonne made me feel better..seeing justin, julius and jeremiah and sissy in the store made me feel better too..hugs and kisses for them and playing with justin in the middle of the store...im glad sissy has such happy kids..i like seeing them and playing with them even if its not that often..kids have a funny way of getting into my space bubble and i dont mind..riley and harris live in my bubble..justin wanted me to go home with him..it was sweet and i was a little sad i couldnt go with them..but julius came and got him for me because i had to leave...so done with most of the depressing stuff

actually did a little packing today and i found i just have a heck of a lot of stuff..the window in the kitchen is broken..a rock from the lawnmower killed..weird ebcause it was just al of a sudden henry noticed the window was broken and mommy freaked out but aunt doris called and told her what happened becuase it was an accident and she was prolly worried since mj was in a way the one who did it..but mommy of course said not to worry but i know she will complain about it until its fixed..hmm dusti is getting more comfortable in the house so that is good but still ill miss her a lot..trying to get comfortable with knowing she will be home without me..anyway hmm its late and im feeling a bit more sane so i guess ill go to bed now ..but still going to the movies tomorrow with henry...then the rest of the weekend working..and then back to finish packing on tuesday..and somewhere in there a little more practice behind the wheel if im lucky

i can say im offically bored yet again if the most interesting thing ive done all morning is watch dusti chase a bug all over the den..and its kinda funny cas shes still playing with the poot little thing but its a wasp so that sad moment is so short lived..im not a huge fan of bugs in general but ones that sting are way at the top of the list of things to stay away from...so im just spending anoyher day at home..watching tv and being bored and thats about all..ive checked my email like 50 times already and ive only been up for like 4 or so hours..but im sleepy because i kept waking up last night..maybe ill take a nap in a little while..im actually looking forward to the weekend because then ill have something to do..friday im taking henry to the movies and then ill be babysitting for three days and then its camp and ill be gone...still a bit weird knowing ill be gone for the summer but i think it will be fun...if i keep telling myself it will be fun maybe i wont worry so much about it...i think ill stop worrying if i would go ahead and mail all this stuff i have..but theres still a few things to fill out and make copies of and it is a bit annoying really..hmm yea i think im going back to bed

went to see over the hedge last night and the movie is so good..laughed for an hour and a half and i really want to go see it again..ill have to see about talking henry into going to the movies with me...wont be hard if i say ill pay for him but im holding off on that so we can go see xmen3 on friday..but im really glad i went to see over the hedge..i seem to really like movies with crazy squirrels in them lol..cas ice age 2 was good too and the crazy squirrel just made it better...riley, harris and tyler liked the movie too..and then we get home and dee gives me one of the extra tvs in there house!! no idea where im gonna put it but now i have a tv bigger than any of the other tvs ive ever had...my tv at home is kinda small but i still like it cas i bought it by myself for school and iit had to be small to fit anywhere..and now i have a another one that will go back to my apartment with me in aug and umm then ill find somewhere for it to go..means ill have to either get another dvd player or take mine from in the den at home...prolly just get another one though..no sense taking the one at home i guess..so i have a tv and of course i said thanks a million times and really meant it too..and then i stayed up half the night watching dreamer with riley harris and tyler and that was fun and im glad they liked that movie too...that one i really want to buy when i get the extra movi to spend which wont be any time soon so for now im just keeping a list of all the movies i want to see and all the movies i want to buy...think its gonna be a calm day today...not really worreid about too much because for now i know i cant fix any of it...waiting to hear about henrys prom night and i still cant believe he got a convertible for the weekend ugh..when i graduate im asking for a limo..no where to go in it but i want one anyway...i told henry i would change his myspace picture for him cas its time for a new one lol...

fun times

i ended up spending the night with riley and harris after they asked me all day to spend the night and then i found out i wasnt going to ohio anyway and i got to stay at there house with them...and it was fun ..harris ended up sleeping with me and the kid sleeps as close to me its like hes attached to my side..and we are going to the movies tonight after they get back..and im going home for a little while to see henry before he leaves for prom...getting a headache but trying to deal with it..i was thinking about it this morning when i woke up again with harris pretty much gluing hisself to me..and him and riley manage to get completely in my space without me reacting at all to them...i can handle nia and henry and yvonne close to me too without getting nervous becasue im not scared of them..mommy gets in my space on purpose and it bothers the heck out of me and makes me want to get up or move or something...weird i guess..but im getting ready to go home for a little while because henry has his promo tnight and i want to get pictures of him all dressed up and everything..and then back to spend the next couple days with riley and harris..i dont mind staying at there house though..im treated like im part of the family and im included in a lot of things they do..and for some reason that i still havent figured out completely riley and harris like me..harris is still the only person i know who has cried to see me leave him..to the point of me having to put him in the bed with his mom to even get out of the house..its been a while since i thought of that though..but better get going since mommmy should be here soon

lots going on

slowly starting to get ready for camp.doc stuff still has me annoyed beyond reason and now ill have to go back on bp meds if it doesnt get any lower..all the same i doubt it will happen or else ill just have to make sure i dont get sick or it gets out of hand since i cant pay for a doc or anything now..going to get my tb test read today and that stupid little poke hurt like hades and i wasnt expecting it when she suddenly poked me...would have been funny if it hadnt hurt..besides it only took like 3 mins total minus the talking and questions...other than that the only other thing i have to get is a drug test..me getting a drug test is funny but ive had one before and it was stupid then too and a huge waste of money..the things im stuck doing all in the name of a summer job! hmm hanging out with harris today and hes sick and finally fell asleep for me, saw jenny this morning and shes always nicee as heck to me..one of the random people whose kids ive watched before and how likes me but i dont really know why..but she always makes me smile so it was ok..guess this is one of those good news bad news kinda days..found out this morning that ill be going to ohio..well the chance is realyl really really good that ill be going to ohio tomorrow for a week to stay with granny and one of my aunts..mommy cant go and so i guess im just the obvious second choice since you know i have tons of free time and i obviously cant find anything remotely productive to do with my time..i was promised to go before i was even asked..not that it matters cas im going if i have too, im going because i have too..id rather not spend a week in the hospital, id rather not have to watch someone die...still now it just sucks because im being a selfish bug and i deserve to be stepped on or something because even with everything going on i still dont want to go and it just makes it worse hearing mommy tell everyone im just so glad to go and help out and yea i said id go but i wasnt happy about it and she knows it but like ive said that part doesnt really matter..i said yes and thats all that counts, if i said no i dont know..get asked in a way that makes it impossible to even conisder saying a no outloud..i thought about saying no and i wanted to say no but i ignored that and said yes..id rather just stay here and work and make the extra money because i kinda do have bills and things to pay and i cant go to ohio and know that i wont be working any and theres junk i still need for camp..stuff i need for this trip..things i need for dusti..suddenly i have an endless supply of things i need and things i have to do and my time is being taken away from me..and even though mommy said she would pay my rent it doesnt make me feel better because yes she will pay them but then ill never hear the end of it..even though i would have the money if i would stop giving it to her and believing her when she says she will pay me back..it doesnt really work that way and then i end up short and she has to pay it anyway...either way it doesnt realy work out for me..its just confusing...so now its just wait and see whats going to happen time until i hear from mommy again..but after the last few hours im considering walking to ohio by myself and ill just see how far i make it...jumping subjects...camp or no camp i cant stay here..so maybe half getting a trip to ohio can be a good thing minus the someones in the hospital part..ill be away for a while and thats all ill just be away for a while..also doesnt help knowing that ill have to plan on coming home almost every weekend if i want to be able to pay anything next semester..but thinking about that makes me seriously conisder suicide and since thats still a couple months away im trying hard not to think about it just yet ..but i think im gonna get a new book today when i go to the store..among other things i need to pick up..was thinking about something last night to write about but ive forgotten it now..but no bad dreams since the last time i complained about it so maybe my head has decided to stop bothering me or something..or maybe its just taking a break and im so jinxingg myself writing about it now..hmm but still im not as worried about sleeping again..i have a weird internal clock or something though..well i hardly ever sleep more than 7 hours any night but if i go to sleep thinking of a time to wake up then ill wake up at that time..doesnt matter if i have an alarm set or not because ill be awake before it goes off..it still surprises me when i wake up at 6 because i said i wanted to wake up at 6 not because im done sleeping because waking up at 6 in the morning is enough to drive me up the wall its been so long since ive had to wake up that early..but i had to come to work with mommy today and so i had to wake up at 6 and then wasted time any way cas i didnt want to get up...hmm besides spending most of my day laughing at dusti scaring herself in the mirror nothing great is going on

storming

its storming outside and im not a fan of thunder and lightening and so for now im downstairs with henry wasting time..but sooner than later ill ahve to go to bed cas ill have to wake up early in the morning...did kickboxing today for the heck of it and i had nothing else to do..im sick of cleaning up though..cooked and cleaned the stupid kitchen five times..theres like an endless supply of dishes here or something..but i guess id rather just clean up than get in trouble for now doing it and then have to do it anyway..but harris already called and asked for me to come over tomorrow and if im lucky ill get to go to the movies..stay busy and what not ..hmm i should go check on dusti cas she doesnt like storms either..and to be smart ill sign off before my comp blows up

really not liking the fact that i keep getting hung up on ..why call just to get mad and hang up..and if im stuck in the house with no way to go anywhere theres no need to keep calling back and forth...and last time i said something about i was just in trouble again..just sucks

long night

well now ive calmed down some..just my usual annoying sad self...worried about a million things..wondering what im doing to be doing the next couple weeks..sad i missed talking to yvonne because she was still out of town today..slightly jealous of nia and her concert last night..sick of being stuck here..so i guess just the usual stuff..worrying takes a lot of work..tali invited me to a party this weekend and i cant go..if i was still in greenville i would go but since im not i cant and that does suck a bit but oh well..there will be other parties to go to i guess...

funniest thing i heard today was

Raisins are just humiliated grapes..

and ive decided that my life wont be complete until i make grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron and make mashed potatoes by literally smashing them with a tennis racket! you can learn a ton of stuff watching movies lol and so ive decided i want to do those for now anyway..but not here..mommy would have my head if i even joked about using the iron to make lunch..prolly just surprise her i knew how to use the iron but still it got my interest up a little bit..i have a new movie i like, its called benny and joon and its one of those cute love stories but not completely mushy and gross just cute and funny and im glad i watched it because i ended up liking it and i learned some new things..like there really is an art to making grilled cheese and now ill obsess about it until i do it..maybe ill mention it to yvonne cas she would so do it with me and our irons are sucky enough to work! and if it doesnt we will just have one more mess to clean up in the kitchen...johnny depp was cuter when he was younger but orlando will always be my all time favorite actor to plan on marrying...too bad he doesnt know it yet and its 50 times better going to jail with yvonne for stalking him than it would be doing it by myself..and not that i would but its fun thinking about it and i guess ihave enough posters and what not of him to make up for not meeting him yet...hmmm now i feel like watching lotr.but i think i might need to watch more johnny depp movies..i like his characters..they make me laugh well his non serious characters..ill even make an effort to finish watching charlie and the chocolate factory this weekend..wonder if i can talk harris into going to the movies with me to see over the hedge..that would be fun..im watching charlie brown now..a bit random and i wasnt planning on even staying up and watching it..just kinda found it by accident and i dont really want to sleep..sleep is becoming a hassle..but im not a night person and im out by 2..meds are weird with me and so taking them just makes me sick the next day and im out of the ones that work to make me just sleep without dreaming..someone told me today that dreams are a mix of memories and things ive done that day..i can understand the memory part since i just remember things at stupid times and start freaking out..funny i remembered the other day when i was feeling alone after nia left that mommy told me once i couldnt go anywhere cas i had to clean up..sucks watching everyone leave and i cant go..maybe thats why i never ask to go anywhere..im always expecting a no or im expecting to be needed for something else..i really mean it when i say what i want doesnt matter...that just happens to be the way things are..i come in like last on the list of people who matter...yvonne says im the most underappreciated person she knows..maybe shes right or maybe i just deserve to be ignored..or maybe im just tired enough to be looking into all of way too much

i hate docs..i knew there was a good good reason why i didnt go..minus the whole no insurance thing..now they want to keep an eye on my blood pressure because its getting high again..and that sucks and i really dont have any plan to go back..but ill check it again before i leave for camp..and i had to talk about therapy and the scars and my arm and stomach and the lady was asking about them and she put them with the depression thing and i mentioned the bpd thing but i lied about the ed...didnt mention it, said no when she asked me..and now all the other stuff is written on the stupid medical forms i have to mail the camp and i really would have preferred to not have to do any of that stuff but she asked if i was suicidal and i lied about that too..good grief by the time she got around to that i was again..ugh..but i wanted to lie, i planned on leaving all of that out but i didnt and now im mad at myself about all of it...why i can lie to mommy without thinking about it i dont know..but i cant lie to anyone else about it..not talk about it and not lying about it are not the same thing i dont think..and so ive managed to catch myself again dealing with something i never planned on having to deal with and it sucks...now im just worried about all of it..and i keepp thinking about what would have happened if she had asked me to take off my shirt completely or take off my jeans ..because she didnt see half of what ive done..now i dont like it..i dont like any of it but i cant make them go away either...lately i hate all my scars more than i want to deal with them...things arent getting any easier at all

dusti

im starting to think dusti is a narcissist cas she keeps climbing up the couch to look in the huge mirror on the wall lol..the first time she did it i think she just surprised herself and now she geas back and forth in the mirror whens shes not chasing herself all over the den...she managed to get in the big window and behind the tv and she found nias room and last night ended up in mommys room..which case she must not have heard mommy in there cas all of a sudden mommy starts calling me telling me she say dusti and dusti bolted into one of the back rooms...ill spend half of my day chasing dusti back upstairs but still im kinda glad she is getting more comfortable here...if nothing else she has tons of places to hide and if she doesnt want to be found she wont come out..but i know how to get her and make her come out but pulling my bed out does get annoying really fast...but because im the only one dusti will really willingingly come to i know she can be a demanding little rugrat...and if she wants attention she will find a way to get me to play with her even if it means sitting on me until i start petting her..and then its at the worse times when im busy and not paying attention to her that she wants to even be petted or else im sleep and she sleeps on my back...makes me think of pooh and sweetie..i still miss the two of them..pooh stuck around for a good while and i could make him come to me too from hanging out in the woods behind our house...still sucks mommy made me put the both of them outsside...so i guess its a good thing dusti still runs when she hears anyone until she knows its me...she sleeps on my bed and because mommy has so many freaking extra blankets up there for now dusti is in heaven..she has fifty million different things to sleep on when shes not sitting in my window..i try to leave it open so she can look out of it...i think she will be ok for the two or so months im gone...i worry because there wont be anyone to play with her or pet her or any of the stuff i do and given if anyone but me tried and i wasnt holding her they might lose a finger for there efforts..hmmm so dusti is keeping my head calm for now lol..sucks that soon ill have to get ready to head to greenville to pick some stuff up and go to the doc...dont want to and thinking about it makes me nervous but i hope it will be ok..henry will make me laugh on the drive up there at least...and its getting really close to time to leave for camp...and that will be i dont know yet but im thinking a lot of fun..i was talking about it the other night with nia and she was telling me what to expect..works out a bit easier knowing that nia went last summer and she lasted fine..so ill stick it out...anyway im rambling a bit and feeling slightly sickish..going to the doc still makes me feel incredibily sick..and knowing theres a huge chance ill have to get a undressed...i dont really care about if ill have to get a shot of something because i have no idea if im even still up to date on any of them...i know i had a tetanous shot thing like three years ago when i really messed up my arms and had to go get them looked at...other than that i really dont know...and the tb thing but thats lower arm so im not really worried about that one..i still dont know what to put on the forms about emotional stuff..i dont want to lie but i dont really want to say anything..so i think ill wait and see what the doc puts on the forms...i have to make a copy to but i dont see how writing that here will make me remember ...hmm im just putting off getting ready because i dont want to go..id rather not have someone poking me..do doctors even poke..i hope not but im just making myself a bit paranoid so ill stop that...nias taking antidepressants and a few others things for bipolar and adhd...ifs shes better i dont know cas i havent asked..i dont even think i was really at home the two times she was in the hospital..and i kinda knew she was doing therapy but thats about all..guess its kinda weird how alike we are but so different at the same time..we handle things differently but somehow we have both managed to become screwed up..but then i wouldnt call nia screwed up..i can call myself screwed up but then i call myself a lot of things and im not sure to many of them count as nice things..i wonder if im supposed to still be doing the compliment thing..i think my brain has been wiped out in the last couple weeks..feels like things are just falling apart around my head thses days...take a deep breath and push all of it away until later because if i keep thinking about it ill just keep going back to where i was like 2 days ago and that prolly wont be a great place to be..so everything is ok and im fine and im going to do what i have to do i guess

not happy

today i was thinking about how things just stressed really fast when mommy is home and shes home now..and im here by myself because nia went to a concert and all i can think about is how much i dont want to be home when mommy gets here...nervous for a lot of reasons the main one being there will be something to get yelled at for..theres always something to get yelled at for and if im here by myself then i just happen to get the be the target even if i had nothing to do with it...but im not happy here and i dont think ive ever really thought about things like that..or else i never stopped the thought when it ran through my head but im not..maybe because im feeling suicidal again i dont know but i just keep thinking about going to greenville tomorrow and not being able to stay and it makes me want to cry..i want to be there with yvonne and ming and i cant because being compeltely logical for a few mintues i need to be here where i can get to places nad work if i need too..because i have to work on practicing driving and getting stuff together for camp and that wont work out at all if i stay in greenville..so i need to be here at home if i want to or not..besides if nothing else its not fair to keep chasing dusti all over my room to just take her back and forth between houses..shes here and so she will stay here until aug..and im trying hard not to worry bout that for now...i have a headache and ive spent most of the past two days reminding myself nonstop that im going to the doc tomorrow and i cant do anything..after that i dont care as long as im careful and not doing anything incredibly stupid..but since im still purging i guess it evens out again..theres nothing to do and its leaving me to much time to think..i was really really hoping i would be able to go see prof dunn tomorrow and i wont be able too..im feeling so isolated and alone and lonely and there its getting to me just a little bit...i spend so much time in my head without anywhere to go to get any kind of break and thers nothing to hold my attention for long..its hard because i want to let her talk to me just for the heck of it...because i dont have anyone else to talk too...

dreams

i could really do without another someone is dead set on killing me dream...im starting to think there are infinit ways to die or something but does there have to be a million people trying to kill me everytime i go to sleep... should stop sleeping then but that wouldnt last very long at all..might give it a try though...i dont even know where they are coming from..i havent watched lifetime for a few days so i cant be getting it from that adn that just kinda leaves either my head is just being mean or my head is just being mean...getting back at me for b/p..that would make sense and of course only i could be the one to figure out how it does even if it does sound compltely stupid...so anyway a bit on edge and creeped out yet again...weird thing being i never a ctually die..always wake up before it happens but i guess knowing its coming is just as bad..believing im about to be killed is enough to get me to wake up and not want to sleep ever again

always running but never caught
always searching for something
always threatened but never killed
always lost or hiding

cant explain any of it..dont know what any of it means..dont even know what i keep looking for thats forever getting me half killed..sometimes its random like last night where all i did was walk out of a room and someone pulls a gun on me..talk about random..the other one where someone one was going to burn me alive if given the chance was random too..i wonder if you die in your dream will you never wake up again..ill take the way i slept before..i didnt dream i woke up remembering absolutely nothing and that was good..now i wake up and wonder why i can manage to get half a step closer to dying every night and no idea why..for this the stupid why question dont work..funny its always a guy trying to kill me or stop me from doing anything...the one where this guy is stopping me from going outside worried me some..because there was only one guy in the room anyway and me and some other girl just listening to this person screaming her head off and i couldnt go help..what i was going to do when i got outside i dont exactly know but trying is better than not doing anything and i would have rather tried than listened to the screams..those screams meant one of two things and both options where not good at all...willingly letting someone die dream or not is juts as bad as outright killing them i think..dont know
morid mood for mothers day

Im having one of those days where I wish I wasn’t alive…I wish a lot of things I guess but for now that one is the only thing running through my head..i want to be left alone and right now im so lonely I would give anything to just talk to yvonne and to have her make me laugh at anything…I don’t care I juts really wish I could lift the saddness and make it go away forever…one of harry’s really good friends died yesterday and that brought all my put off feelings back to the surface..i refuse to accept death but I keep playing with it..relentlessly I always play with it…so im sad and bored and lonely and way at the bottom theres so so much anger..i know its there, its always there waiting for a way to come out…I want to cut I want to cry I want to scream or break something…I want the release of feelings and its not happening…im trying not purge anymore because it just hurt to much and im pretty sure not breathing good is one way to raise red flags for anyone..regardless of how it happened or why…not sure I could explain away that one..yea like im gonna randomly say ive been throwing up a lot lately because of stress…not good and I prefer to keepp that little thing to myself for as long as I can…so my head is really running away with me..im starting to really be afraid of going to the doc on wed..im afraid because im graduating..im afraid because im feeling so much stupid junk and its not going anywhere..all of it is stuck in my head and I keep trying to rationalize all of it..i keep thinking of going to camp and being horrible at it…I keep thinking im gonna have to lie incredibly good to the doc next week to make them think im fine and not cutting anymore..that being the only thing stopping me from doing it..its making me think of that internal vs external thing that I keep hearing…all of it is out of whack…I don’t want to graduate..i don’t want to have to figure out what to do with my life and I will lose all the people who have so much unyeilding faith in my abilities because I cant believe in myself and I let other people do it and then just refuse to believe them..but they do it anyway and im standing on the border of losing all of it…im afraid of what will happen if I really am left completely alone and in the real world…I started thinking about what happened and blaming myself of course and its just hard half remembering something that scares me completely..it makes me think of that stupid toxic parents book and why I don’t like it so much…I don’t want to read about how much what I think and see and hear is reflected in that book and how all of it kinda points to all of the abuse but more than not it all just screams sexual abuse and the first time I read it all of it made me really mad and I didn’t believe it..cant believe, don’t believe it, whatever…creeps me out..all the same I keep thinking about it and looking for a way around it…going back to my safe little world where nothing can hurt me..the one place even I give myself a break from all of it..not that im really there now..calmer now though so I guess this helped some…I keep thinking that its not fair to blame someone else for me being screwed up..so I just blame myself and I havent figured out how to get around that…im just always there in my head and its not like I can just up and leave so im always there to take the guilt or blame or anger where ever it may be directed…like there is someone giving it to me..like I have the choice not to accept it and I ignore it…I don’t even know how I can give it to myself if its already there..doesn’t make sense…I think somehow ive managed to turn things into separate things…made them, believed them, and in turn gave them all power over me…mini parents in my head that I don’t really control ..cant control a parent anyway..cant control anything

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, then we aren't really living."

im sick of writing, i think ive spent half my life writing and ive learned nothing important..i went through and read some of my old poems and stuff from like years ago and then recent stuff and then the one that ive worked on for a year and still cant finish and they all go around the same themes..im gonna be one of those writers that becomes famous after they day and then people willl just analyze the heck out of all of it and decide that i was just a suicidal nutcase..could be fun and its so interesting how even now when i have to analyze stuff i dont get what the teacher sees or what someone else sees and there is always the chance that we are all way off anyway..who in the world would take the time to figure out my life story? i cant even figure it out..more like i dont want to figure it out...but anyway..hmmm stuck being depressed lately..not really stuck with the b/p thing i just havent fixed it or anything yet..lonely and bored out of my mind..annoyed at almost everything..trying out to be not a great day at all and even the internet is getting boring

thoughtful

i used to dream...im pretty sure i did ive just forgotten all of them..i did forget them but i dont know why im starting to remember what i thought about a long time ago when i was younger..where did they go or how did i manage to lose all of them?? couldnt have happened all at once, like one day i woke up and everything i was missing..but that wouldnt happen i think it was more of a gradual thing...slowly i had to forget or i had to let things go to make room for other stuff or things i was being told..being asked what i want other people to think of me is different than what i think of me or even what i think other people think of me..spending a lot of time wanting to change so much and not knowing what im supposed to do, if nothing else i figured out again that im not a big fan of change but letting things stay the way they are is killing me..i used to want to do a lot of stuff..i was hanging out with riley and harris and i fixed them dinner as i usually do because its easy cooking for them..but anyway opening a restaurant came up..a restaurant for kids because well im kinda basic when it comes to eating..but anyway harris and riley are all for it..i told them if i did they would be my only customers and they of course started naming people who would come and i told them i would keep it in mind and i will..its kinda weird in a nice way realizing that maybe im not as completely lost as i think i am..still lost yea but slowly im coming up and well just noticing that i do have things to look forward too...talked about camp again today with nia and im looking forward to that..doc appt aside im looking forward to it because its something ive never done, and something i may never consider doing again but at least ill know if i like it or not and ill be able to find out by myself..i have my internship, i have a trip to canada and one to new york in the workings...half a trip to fla still in the planning stages be cause harris talked about it yesterday..but still im sad enough to have suicide still rolling around in my head...cant cut so ive traded off and im back to purging again..my chest hurt bad enough and even breathing is a bit painful...laughing is a major nono it hurts so much..but i havent stopped it yet..somehow ive convinced myself that its a need..like i have to do it and theres no way around it when i could prolly just as easily say its not a need and i dont have to do it...but i keep trying to remind myself its only for a little while and ill stop again..stupid thing ive done for as long as i can remember and i havent stopped yet completely..just weird..not great but nothing major either depending on how your looking at it...still no bad news on how grannys doing so im hoping she is a least on the road to getting better...mommy calls like we dont know how to take care of ourselves..it bothers me a lot that i can come home or gget on the phone and seemingly forget how to do anything..im supposed to be an adult or so im told and its like no no im not because i still obviously dont know how to do anything like packing or laundry or cleaning or cooking..i think she would think that ill be a horrible wife or something if i got married..so i guess its even better that im not getting married..watched in her shoes again today and it wasnt as depressing this time..well at least i didnt end up sad enough to end up cutting..but i wasnt watching it by myself either so maybe thats what helped..i should be in the bed or something now but i dont want to sleep..dont want to be awake either..but then the suicide thing came up again and i thought about riley and harris becuase they are still kids..and i dont want to think of them blaming themselves or being hurt over something i was dumb enough to believe i had to do..or something i convinced myself i needed to do..i dont want to think of anyone being hurt over something i did..wouldnt be good nope..that is a bit saddening though...watching a bunch of movies though..parts of this or the end of something else..and i think im just rambling a bit ... guess im finally tired enough to go to bed or at least try to find my bed

nothing

breathing is always a good thing..when i get seriously nervous i think i forget to do it and all of sudden i clue in on that im holding my breath and if i dont stop ill pass out or something..so ive been up since before 6..bad dreams..once again someone trying to kill me, really creepy..and now im trying to make sure i have everything i need and all of dustis stuff and everything i might possibly think up to need..i have enough clothes for like 3 people but i always over pack and i never know what i might be doing once i get home so i over pack...trying to get my nerves in order but still i manage to freak out about everything..keep thinking about every possible thing i might be able to get yelled at for so ill be expecting it..same old thing but still i always forget im supposed to expect all of it..so now im half pulling everything out and reassuring someone that im fine..and the small fact that i might not be shouldnt matter as much as hes trying to get me to see..i say it doesnt matter and he disagrees..so yea lie or not im trying to make him feel better and its not working and i hate knowing he will worry.i hate knowing anyone will worry..doesnt help that i might be the only one who still sees home as an ok place if i dont think about it to hard..but then dying looked really great yesterday for reasons i dont know..but since i didnt do anything i guess i got around it..so anyway ive calmed down enough to finish getting stuff done and mommy will be here soon so i better go anyway

patterns are stupid

try, fail, try, fail, fail, fail, try, fail, forget to do either for a while, remember and then it starts all over again..so right now im somewhere near the end of a try enough to care part..but ill fail again really soon..maybe if i make myself expect it then it wont be as bad..all the same..not ready for anything..back and forth between the same stupid thoughts..all somehow pointing out how bad i am..

selfish jerk and i hate you..
for some reason i pick now to want to say taht is such bad grammar..depending on how you read it i might be talking about someone else but then this is me and i hate less than one person hmm maybe one and a half..wonder if i can count as half a person now..could be interesting but completely wouldnt make sense either..i think im missing half my brain or something currently and a nap sounds good but im not sleepy just hanging out in bed becasue i dont want to deal with anything else..half working at making myself ignore everything possible.wonder if that makes me a robot..but robots are creepy and so are bugs..jumpy head and there has to be a hole somewhere in my head because i keep forgetting everything..well forgetting everything except what i want to do and i cant do because just cant so ill spend the rest of the day driving myself up the wall wanting the few things i cant have ugh waste of time waste of sapce still going home tomorrow and granny will die and then i dont know

ugh

so interesting things from yesterday...i met some new people at talys cookout...actually went to a cook out and had a veggie burger!!! talk about surprised..tiffany is vegtarian too and so she had veggie burgers and i ate one of hers and a potato and had some really good rum punch..ok way to much rum punch but it was still relly good..and then we had cake and that was a surprise for maritza and they proceeded to get icing all over each other so i hid in the house lol..i didnt bring extra clothes and i had no need to have chocolate icing all over my shirt..but it was fun..watched tv..had shots of various things..called yvonne for a reason im not exactly sure of but called her anyway..guarded the ice like my life depended on it..and so it truned into running joke of the night...but i wanted ice and sharing it wasnt the highest on my list of things to do at the time so the ice was mine..taly almost made me go home because i was half asleep and completely drunk and she thought i was going to pass out and considering iwas taking like a while to focus on anything going home could have been an option b ut i didnt want to go home and so i drunk enough water to clear my head and get me walking in a half straight line and went downtown anyway...so i was at the club and the guys paid for everyone to get in..group rate kinda thing since it was so many of us at the time...but i ended up sitting on the stage almost the whole time i was there..walking wasnt high on the list of things to do either..danced some, enjoyed my seat because i could watch everything going on around me..kept trying to fall asleep..but once we were out i didnt drink anymore..hmm ended up getting burned by someone smoking, forgot who i gave my id too, went to the boys bathroom because the line for the girls was just way to long and i really had to go and laura came with me and held the door..boys bathroom is just as gross as the girls bathroom but anyway..yea weird cas guys came in anyway..so completely lost track of time after that and it turned 2 really fast...ended up at ihop at 3 in the morning..and ended up completely hitting one of the guys in the car with us..it was an accident but he was getting out of the back and either he hit my hand or i hit him but either way he ended up like falling out the car and going down the mini hill..he was fine and that little thing will be added to the things ive done drunk stories...and now im tired and didnt sleep enough to do anything..but it was fun..and of course dusti picks today to wake me up to be petted..should prolly go eat something though.

-

now im sleepy...wasnt when i thought up the bright idea to write just for the purposes of making myself sleepy..surfing the net can be a bit boring at times...so i did end up going out tonight..almost got to the point of saying i didnt want to go and that would have made me mad because i had been looking forward to it all night...so taly and jeff were late but they got here and we went downtown in the rain..thankfully it wasnt thundering anymore or i really would have got around to changing my mind..but we went to a bar i had never been too..it was the over 21 place..jeff paid for me to get..jeff and tiffany and another guy in the group bought me drinks..i managed a small half sleepy buzz for a little while..the club was boring at first but it was fun watching the dancers..the over 21 club can get some weird older people in there..i think one guy was like 50 or something..but anyway..had shots and drinks and i was a little annoyed i ddint end up drunk but thats ok..tiffany and taly asked me to dance with them on the platform thingy that wasnt a real stage but it was kinda to the side in front of the dj booth..and i wasnt going to but i was bored so i went and ended up dancing with some girl for a couple hours..kinda glad no guy asked me to dance..wasnt really in a guy touching mood .. but everyone was having fun and i was in my own little world wondering if it was possible to get sober through sweating..it was so hot in the club good grief..but i noticed taly and tiffany and another girl yelling at some guys and i had no idea what was going on..but they yelled back and forth and i had to grab taly before it turned into a full out fight..the bouncers came over and talked to all of them and i found out that one of the guys had grabbed taly and she hit him and his friends got into it and then the girls with us who saw it got in it and since i was behind them i was still a little unsure about what happened but nervous all the same..all of a sudden there was like this wall of guys between us and everyone else..the bouncer said we would have to leave and this woould have been the first time ive been kicked out of a bar..and i didnt have anything to do with it but i wouldnt have stayed anyway..and the guy said taly and everyone with her would have to go..eventually it got worked out enough for everyone to stay because it was close to 2 in the morning anyway and the club was closing..but then jeff came and talys brother and angie and everyone is trying to figure out whats going on...jeff and talys brother had to be stopped from fighting..more than once..but still for the rest of the night we were like surrounded by guys and i know it was done to stop anything else from happening but still weird because it was making me feel incredibly trapped...and we kinda got seperated while everyone was trying to find who they came with..cops are all over the place downtown when clubs let out..still im glad it turned out ok but still not glad taly was grabbed by some guy..but then glad again that she stood up for herself and had jeff and her brother and her friends to back her up too..hmm other news..saw the tallest guy i have in a while..he made me feel so short and im not short by any means but i kept staring at him..talked to him once because i was taller than him for a little while while i was on the platform thing..took a bunch of pictures...ended up smelling like smoke and that was the grossest part of the night..met some new people i didnt know and saw old people i havent seen in a while...came home and drunk a bunch of water and ate rice krispy treats until i was almost sure i was going to be sick..and now im writing and thinking random stuff..listeninng to music and the rain outside.wondering who is going to love dusti when i leave for the summer..im the only one who understands her..my armband glows in the dark i think..im sleepy though and im rambling and i dont want to sleep

nothing thrilling

finally managed to get my hair in order...and since i used some of yvonnes shampoo i have a candy head..but it smells good so it works out..i made myself eat more than once today after yvonne got on me yesterday about making sure i ate bread and stuff...so i ate today anyway..havent really been drinking much though..feeling sick anyway and i dont want to take anything because i already know ill be in my own little world later and even i read the med bottles and know you arent supposed to take them and drink anywhere in the same time frame..so ill suffer for a couple days and take something umm monday..anyway..working hard to get out of my bad mood for now..and i realized that i really do have some depressing music..but anyway..i like it and completely sad music or not it still makes me feel better...i even did all my laundry this morning and i can stop worrying about it eating dusti or something in my closet..for a couple days i worried i would lose her in my closet i had so many clothes thrown in there..but all gone now and its kinda nice starting over..i also realized im a dork about a lot of stuff..ummm llosing track of what i was thinking about..all day ive been reminding myself of things not to do..like dont go home with anyone i dont know, dont come home druck and decide to call mommy...that being the most important because ive already swore up and down to mommy that i dont drink.. its really stupid thinking about it now because i am over 21 and everything and i didnt even start drinking until i was 20ish...all the same im so making up for lost time or something...but it will be fun tonight..sometimes i do miss hanging out with everyone..im sure i wont be thinking that tomorrow but thats ok too..so fun times and ill be responsible when i remember too and i will o keep myself out of trouble and all that good stuff

dont know

i keep thinking im waiting for something..i just dont know what it is..just a really bad feeling about whatever it turns out to be...but no real idea about what in the world it could be...suddenly realized when i woke up this morning that i havent cut..i think i just forgot about it long enough for it to go away or something..but anyway i was right about my grades..3 a's and 2 b's and so it means i made the deans list and ive known for sure since yesterday but i didnt call mommy..i dont want to call her because i dont want to ha ve to feel any worse for my grades than i already do..not that they are really bad or anything but if i hadnt kept putting stuff off i could have ended up with all a's or something..weird to think i cant be happy about anything if i know mommy is just going to yell at me about it..but since i already know she will be mad i went and told a couple other ppl who i knew would be happy for me just because half a second of feeling just a little bit proud is really better than a week of being sad over it..but it doesnt stay so i dont know why i do it anyway..ugh online stuff is starting to annoy me..well one thing thats been going on lately in on of the groups i happen to be in..last time i checked they didnt count as suicide watch and they arent supposed to be..no reason at all for the same person to keep coming back and threatening suicide and demanding to be talked too..but when someone else comes and blames the group in general for someone else trying suicide doesnt seem fair at all..bad thing being its happened before in a smaller group but it was more ed related and someone came and yelled at us in a way and for that one i did feel more responsible over because we werent exactly trying to stop anyone from doing anything..but we werent making it ok either..but still that one wasnt good either and it bothered me alot..but this time it just gets on my nerves..and maybe i should be sad that the guy is in the hospital..also i should prolly keep into acct that this is just the internet and some thing may not be completely true..but also dont think someone would play with suicide that much..could be wrong but still the whole thing just really makes me mad..and that annoys me more since i work hard at not getting mad..did i really actually just consider the importance of taking responsibilty for your own actions and wrote it somewhere else? i think the world might be coming to an end or something..all the same that is what it comes down too..i cant put off anything i do on someone else..i cant ignore it either because all of it might count as impluse stuff but i dont happen to do most of it on impluse..i think it out enough to know i want to do it and how and all that weird stuff i do..i dont think i try to put it off on other people more than i juts ignore that i do it...thats prolly been in my head since the other day..i didnt realize that when yvonne got goggles it would make things a little clearer and so now she has seen my legs and she asked me about it and i didnt tell her how any of it happened..but now i dont know..it makes me nervous but i dont know if it will come up again..and what ive done to my legs cant really be explained away without a really really really good lie..and sometimes lying is so not my strong point...all the same it makes me nervous and i wonder not that she will ask but what she will think without asking...given i would lie if she did but i dont knkow if she would belive me..more often than not i just end up hating what ive done..hate but not stop..so i deal with it i guess or half deal with it...or ignore it until it stops hurting..none of it makes sense anymore..all of a sudden it got to the point of being a pain always hiding..the scars on my chest being the stupidest place ive ever cut..wonder how much i would change if i couold change any of it..last night before i went to sleep i was thinking again about what i would want people to think of me when i died..and i rethought about the want vs shoulds thing..but even that only makes half sense if i dont know what i want...cant find the balance between them if i only know half of it..but the shoulds are easier to think up because its more about what i think someone else wants me to do..i have to come up with wants and i dont know those..just confuses me because i dont know why i cant come up with anything that i want...thet same way it bothers me a little bit that i know it will take me a really long time to manage to get pass all of the bad stuff that automatically comes up..when i think that i get to come up with what i want people to say i dont think of good things first..even if i dont really want it...i have to completely get though all of them before i can start to get around to half good stuff...not sure ill even make it to completely good stuff..im still stuck in you suck thoughts and that can take forever to get around...

one day she will put two and two together and i dont know what ill do

ssdd

its gonna rain again sometime soon, its just got really dark in a short amount of time and it can rain all it wants but i really really hope it doesnt start thundering...or lightening or anything that makes noise more or less..but rain or not ill have to brave the weather and go to the pool when ever yvonne gets here...ive been trying to call mommy and she hasnt picked up the phone and i really dont like not knowing what is happening because just my luck ill end up being promised to go to ohio and everyone will just forget to mention it to me until its to late to even try to get out of it..but oh well for that one and ill just have to wait until i hear anything...its incredibly nerve wrecking waiting for grades even if i happen to know what they are going to be already..i think im expecting them to change or something..but the more i check and they arent up the more i worry for no reason..or i could just be delusional from not eating today..prolly not since i know that why im feeling sick and i have every intention of getting of and finding something to eat very soon..but im tired right now so i keep putting it off...got an email from taly this morning that pretty much told me i was still going to her graduation party stuff this weekend..i had planned on going and then i changed my mind but i guess i kinda knew she wouldnt let me miss it if i was going to be in town..and since im going to be in town ill be partying this weekend..two days with her and noe with kenny maybe..since i have no money things are a bit not much fun but ill get her a gift next semester or something..i think shes going to be staying in greenville but i dont know..and i know going out with them in an invitation to drink and i was perfectly ok with that until my convo today...i really wouldnt consider drinking to be a problem but i do let it go to the extreme before backing off a bit..more often than not taly says stop and i stop...no idea what makes me listen to her though..same way yvonne says dont play with the candles and i dont do it..i had almost forgotten about the last time i ended up drunk with yvonne in town..i got home before her and so somehow it got around to that i had been drinking and she wanted to know how much and at the time i really dont think i gave her an answer..all the same she made me drink water and eat bread and told me not to play with the candles and i was just demanding in a way..im pretty sure sprinkles dont go on toast and bubbles wont magically find there way into water..so yea weird night..all time stupidest thing ive done while drunk is forgetting my name..second stupidest would be letting some guy i didnt know kiss me..yea it was gross but still..being drunk can be a lot of fun but since i dont exactly know what it takes to get me drunk and because im obviously not big on internal control here i might let it get far more out of hand than it needs to be..i think im careful not counting willingly getting in a car when i know the person driving is drunk as heck...but i still end up doing the same thing..and one of these days i will catch on to the fact that not doing something often doesnt cancel out that you do it..i use that logic for a couple things and the outcome is still the same..either way i guess its not good...hmmm lots to think about and ill so think about it more indepth after this weekend..or else when im hungover enough to have nothing else to think about..but all the same ill stick to the usual rules that come with drinking and going out...most important being not going home with anyone i dont know..so busy times this weekend...but i guess i should consider that when i told yvonne what was planned for this weekend she asked if she needed to stay in town because otherwise she would worry..what exactly do people think ill end up doing? ok playing with the candles are a big neon sign nono..but when i thought it up i really wanted to do it..other big thing not to do is call home..which comes to mind everytime im drunk enough not to care..that that just wouldnt be good..ok drinking rant over

ive been thinking about my new homework assignment and i will a lot for the next couple days..and i know i dont like it but ill do it anyway because it got my attention..eventually i thought up the brillant idea to just not tell anyone if i die and that doesnt make sense but just not let it be found out that ive died or something..but then it would be just my luck that someone would look for me..i dont know what i would do if i knew i was going to die vs like it being accidential or something..id rather have an accidental death though..because otherwise it would be on purpose and id rather not think about that..and gotta go so ill finsih later

depressing

ive been trying to think of something to say but i havent been able to come up with anything..finished my exams and it was ok, i think i did ok on it..right now grade wise i know i have 3 a's and im expecting my last two grades to be b's ..if they are i make the deans list again..surprisingly that doesnt make me happy at all..could be because im ready to cry and because i dont want to i just dull out everything until i manage to not feel any of it...cant say its working to well though..i havent decided if the next thing will be cutting or just going to sleep..i wont sleep though..just stay awake and look out the window or stare at the ceiling while i think up a million different things..mommy told me earlier today that granny is back in the hospital and having heart surgery today..that i was ok with i guess and i heard it and just kinda put it away to think about later on..tonight she asks if i will go to ohio to stay for a couple weeks because i have the free time..i wanted to say no and almost every thought in my head said say no..not that it mattered because i said i would go if i had too..everyone seems to forget that i dont have any money to do anything with much less get a plane ticket..i wanted to use dusti as an excuse to not go anywhere but i didnt..even thinking of not wanting to go makes me feel horrible..im supposed to want to go and help..after mommy asked i just kinda knew it had already been talked about..most likely she volunteered my time because it wouldnt be fair to ask me first i guess..its assumed and expected that i will say yes..i always say yes anyway..almost always i say yes..flat out told prof dunn no when she asked for a hug..but then i tell everyone no when they ask for a hug..staring at the screen doesnt do anything but make my eyes hurt...i forgot i cant go to bed until yvonne gets back because she left her keys and i dont like leaving the door unlocked if i can help it..i just want to hurt i keep thinking mommy is going to call and say granny died ..prolly a good idea to keep reminding myself that i cant cut my arms..maybe if i look at my arm long enough all the scars will go away and i can start over..if that really happened i wonder if i would go and keep cutting or stop..now wouldnt be the best time to test that theory...i keep thinking about what i want to do and all of those can be kinda painful if i thought about it long enough and everything i have on my list of things not to do i dont consider painful at all..last time i checked crying did not land anyone in the hospital..im not really sure what ive managed to do for the last 3 or so hours..losing interest in just about everything because i gave up playing sims to stare at my computer..i give up trying to sort out my head..and i wish it wasnt 10 and i wish i wasnt out of everything that makes me sleep

drowned rat

im beyond tired right now...i think my bones are tired and yelling at me to go to bed..but because i think im losing my eyesight the more i write ill have to make this quick...so i just got back from 4 hours in the pool...fun yes but 4 hours in the pool..that has to be the longest i ahve ever been in any pool for as long as i can remember..swam laps for a bit with yvonne, matt came and we half swam laps, i got out of the pool and went to the locker room for half a second and proceeded to run out because it was so cold in there...yvonne gets out and so i end up going back to the locker room and freezing my butt off for like five minutes until i lose feeling in everything..played volleyball, played keep away, ran into the pole numerous times..got pulled under water more than once by matt and yvonne playing keep away..heck pulled them under too..yvonne lost parts of her bathing suit at odd times and matt too, sometimes my fault sometimes not...ive been to the pool more in the last week than i have in a long time too..which yvonne pointed out tonight..but even if i am turning into a chlorine blob and i cant see or hear for the better part of the day im getting better..slowly and painstaking work but in the biggest pool ever on campus i can do a full lap without stopping now..better than when i started but not ten either..trying hard not to start yelling at myself...because i start off practicing fine and then i start getting tired and going shorter and shorter distances and it annoys me...i couldnt expect anyone who wasnt a trained swimmer to just randomly jump in the pool and do ten laps for the heck of it..if i didnt know i had to do a lifeguard test i wouldnt even care to practice at all..still small amount of hope in that maybe i am getting better and working my butt off now will pay off when im gone...still im not completely comfortable in the whole bathing suit deal..even if i do have a tshirt on over it..the shorts dont really count because you can still see my legs..but i guess the first step is actually getting in the pool...all the same im still doing it..well the more i think about it the more i want to just make myself believe i should be going more or getting better faster or something and it doesnt seem that fair..which makes me question if i have a problem with perfection? normally i would say no because my grades go up and down, i dont do anything on a normal basis and i lose interest in stuff really fast..but then i have the few things i didnt stop which have nothing to do with perfection...perfection isnt control i dont think..where did i get this i have to be the best thing from ? maybe its not perfection concerning other things..maybe its more of a perfection about things i do? or maybe ive just confused the heck out of myself without meaning too..maybe im a perfectionist in spurts or something..and maybe when i am i suddenly have ocd or something..yes i have rare moments when i do something and i dont want anyone to touch it or change it because it wont be the same and it drives me up the wall or i could just be being a complete spazz but i always associate perfection with eating and or not eating or just eating issues in general...and i so knew i was doing it again and stopping wasnt that important or i didnt realize it or something but i have managed to fall into well not eating and it was accidental this time...or it happened slow enough that i didnt pick up on it and since i havent purged it wasnt just glaring at me or anything..and i just kinda guessed purging wouldnt be a great idea with you know playing in the pool a heck of a lot..and well random nosebleeds i can once again do without..so purging is out and all that leaves in not eating

i spent the weekend by myself..really odd being able to get lost in my head..ok so not odd but an inconvience..felt alone more than anything and well i was but more than just a no one is around kind of alone..more like that in a crowded room and still managing to be alone kind of thing..like no one cares and i could have dropped dead on the spot and it wouldnt have mattered..it wouldnt have been noticed either. and because i had nothing else to do i let the thought stay in my head without trying to stop it..and when i did think of trying to make it go away the first thing i thought up was cutting and it would have worked but i didnt do it..for a while it was just a misplaced thought, like i really had to stop and think for it to be noticed..and then it moved and i really seriously thought about it and instead i made myself do something else, instant relief is suddenly taking the easy way out..and as much as i really like making myself suffer for no apparent reason i dont know where that one came from..i want instant relief its like a no fail way to lie to myself about everything going on in that moment and its ok until i realize what ive done..cant hide from reality all the time..lifetime should be banned when anything but ok..but i say im ok all the time so ill have to be more specific..so lifetime should be banned if im thinking of doing anything that would count as implusive even if its not really..the odds that i could end up watching a movie on child abuse is just way to high for comfort..hence i watched one yesterday that i really didnt need to see at all but the movie itsself was ok..reaction to the movie wasnt good..still want to cut and havent...told jenny that if she cut i would have to give her a piece of my mind..and thats a heck of a long way to go considering shes half way around the world..but still thoughts just kinda refuse to go away

losing track of what i was thinking so bed time