bored

classes are over and i could study for my last exam or correct my paper due tomorrow but i havent ..instead i watched tv and destroyed the kitchen in the name of creating something and it was good if not a huge mess..played and lost hours worth of sims time stupid game..my fault for not saving more often but now i have to do it all over again and that is nerve wrecking..so today i wake up and put off doing laundry again and instead i cleaned up downstairs and i have every intention of finishing my room and the bathroom once im done chatting and well writing..somehow ive managed to be incredibly sad but yesterday i didnt know where it was coming from and today im not really sure i care..still its worrying me that ill have to go home sooner than i planned since i dont have any money..and even me with my incredible 101 ways to waste money without doing anything logic just isnt working and even i cant make ten dollars last for 3 or so weeks..and even if not eating for 3 weeks does sound really appealing the more i think about it..i suck at fasting anyway..and as of right now im kinda trying not to die or anything..all the same if the option is going home to just not really eating for a while..ill take not eating...logic pretty much just idnt going to work with that one and im sure if i think about it long enough ill realize it wont work but i still have another week before i have to really decide anything..

im actually starting to look forward to camp..more so if mommy would juts leave me alone about how much i wont like it...i wont even know till i get there and then if i dont like i just wont like and ill know not to go work at a camp again but if i do like it good for me i guess...not really that big a deal and its not like im going to decide tomorrow that i dont want to go to camp anymore..id rather go..a full summer away from everything..could be more fun than im giving it credit for minus the no full time computer access...computer withdrawl times 50 will suck for a while but then ill get used to it like i do everything else..
and this is depressing...ill have to find something else to write about

sayings

If you can't read my silence, you're nothing. elizabeth i

I lack the assurance of youth. I question everything. elizabeth i

We dream on a budget here - finding neverland

Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner's manual your creator gave you and destroying your design. -Oprah

Every time you tell the truth, you free others to be truthful.-Oprah

Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the wish that you can change the past. -Oprah

disney stuff is great

yvonne got me a new game today..played it once and still lost..15 minutes into the game im completely bankrupt and still managing to get more debt..its the disney princess monopoly game..im horrible at monolopy so it seems..but anyway it was fun and since its monolopy junior the money doesnt count for as much as it could...but we played for like an hour and it was fun even if i lost by so much..took the better part of an hour to get out of debt and that was only after yvonne and i both rolled until i got the number i needed to get extra money..but it was a hang out with yvonne day and we went to the bank and to the grocery store and out to breakfast that passe for lunch, we went to the bookstore and toys r us and target and got caught in the rain and i walked over the railroad tracks twice in one day, i walked into a tree, got while chocolate m&ms from yvonne, came home and learned that you do not under any circumstances put dish detergent in the dishwasher..had to get the bubbles out somehow once we figured out that it was bad idea after i told her the dishwasher was exploding on the floor..and so she started it by throwing bubbles at me and i was only defending myself..so bubbles ended up all over everything..and i had soap in my hair and cold and wet is not as fun afterwards but throwing soap all over the kitchen was a lot of fun and it dissolved on its own so it worked out..i made pineapple cake because i just happened to want some..and were going to the pool tomorrow because i seriously lack in the whole swimming laps dept so ill have to work on that..ssooo its been a busy day..and it would have been a little better had i not been ready to cry in the grocery store...most of the time i can defend wha ti eat how ever little it may or may not be..but for some reason today i couldnt find anything i wanted at all..and it did worry me because i couldnt think of anything i liked and well duh i eat for the most part..and i knew ive needed to go to the store all week because our fridge is like empty..and still is for the most part...im almost back to where i was before and im pretty sure eating once a day isnt completely healthy..and we got on that i dont drink enough to save a starving person so i still spend a better part of my day thirsty as heck and not drinking anything..and i know i should i just dont get around to it...problem wwould be that i dont think i care..i keep thinking i should be more worried about a lot of things that i dont consider important..weird things like if i eat on a reg basis which is important but at the same time it doesnt matter that much..but its been a really really long day..and the weather is still gross..the thunder and stuff scared dusti out of the window last night and its raining again tonight..and i actually have to make an effort to not hang out in bed for the better part of two hours tomorrow..and try not to think about spending the better part of a month going to the pool so i can get better at swimming laps..

today

Today has been interesting…woke up in a rotten mood and spent most of the day worried out of my mind and staying busy enough to not do anything really stupid..guess it worked since I didn’t end up cutting…now im just awake and not really sleepy but im sure by the time im done writing ill remember that its past my bedtime…so since ill have the house to myself tomorrow I can get some cleaning done and figure out laundry and all that fun stuff…most likely ill just put it off again but im not at home and I can clean up as little or as much as I want to..and if I could actually remember that when it counts things wouldn’t feel so rushed for no reason..so anyway..still really worried about the whole teacher thing and I half talked about it with yvonne today when we went to dinner..she agrees that the teacher is just being mean for trying to change the grades around to get back at us in a way…the whole thing is really just irks my nerves..now I remember why I work incredibly hard at not getting mad..and it sucks because I don’t think I can really control it..i had to take something last night to make sure I went to sleep and even then I wasn’t really sleeping for a long time..note to self don’t take meds in the wrong amounts…woke up wrorrying, spent the day worrying and im still worried…I should be completely worried out and im not..not even close, ill worry until I see my grade and even then I don’t think it will be better…this particular teacher I just want to see fired, it would make my day to know she was fired because she isnt nice..well shes nice when she wants to be..not really fair for our class to just let her get another group of students to screw over for a semester…ugh ok umm so that issue is still I don’t know..i just known its not good right now…maybe ill go talk it over with my advisor sometime soon…so not really talkative this morning and actually slept for the most part until 9 because I kept waking up last night im not really sure when I went to bed..so played sims and tak for a while..played trivial pursuit with yvonne and listened to a cd..and she went to work and I hung out around the house until I had to get ready..we went to dinner and then we went to a musical theatre performance and it was really good..yvonne caved in and got me an autograph from one of the girls I like..but overall it was a really good performance and I realized how much I miss the whole watching preformances..not being on stage because that I didn’t like at all but watching I loved, listening to the music I really loved too..hence I listen to a lot of music..i spend most of my day listening to music and even if its depressing it makes me feel better or keeps me from getting any worse..another way to keep myself out of my head kinda…hmm something ive learned today or noticed at least because trying to explain it makes it seem like it doesn’t work…im an incredibly realistic and practical but I don’t know exactly how it works..i don’t think I can explain it either..maybe its just one of those things I know…like when yvonne says im the most controlled and put together person she knows and im with her almost everyday but someone else can tell me im guarded…but if I was asked to describe me all I can come up with is being quiet..ive heard patient, nice, kind, caring, honest, controlled, evil, mean, and some others im prolly forgetting…all from different people though..still really odd that people could swear ive never been stressed a day in my life and that’s people who haved lived with me..taly looks at me like im crazy when I say ive been busy or stressed or something..and given almost all of the time people see me I don’t let it be known if I am stressed or worried or mad or anything because there was no point in it…yvonne told me last week shes never heard me raise my voice at anyone, she also said shes never seen me angry don’t think ive asked her how she would describe me but maybe I will ..we talked about adoption today too..well transracial adoption because I talked about it in one of my classes and I don’t have a problem with it and neither does she…we have decided that im going to adopt with I want kids and shes gonna have kids..2.5 kids to be exact and then I get to be the aunt who gives them everything they want which still would be tons of fun for me…where will we be 10 years from now? What will we be doing..will we even still see each other..life would be just a bit empty with out yvonne hanging around to do things with..

unfortunate

so im n ot dead yet..slgihty drugged but not dead..had a headache fore the etter part of a day and finally gave in and took something for it..and now im fighting sleep and not making any sense..maybe if im lucky ill sleep through tomorrow but knowing me ill be up at my usual time..i was going to sleep earlir and kenyetta came by with her baby and her baby is so cute..but it woke me up and then i played sims until i got bored and just kept thinkinag about how much everything sucks right now.i dont know what i want but since yvonnes not here it doesnt matter that much because if i wanted anthing i wouldnt be getting it..sleep tonight and somehow think of a way to not b e around tomorrow becuase i dont want to talk to anyone..sucks im almost out of meds that make me sleep..next would be staying awake but id rather just sleep the next three weeks away and forget about everything..didnt want to cut and all thats left is sleeping but i sill have to wake up tomorrowo and then i dont know nothing to do ..ill just think about everything and make myself feel worse i want to braek something and i have to keep out of the kitchen so i dont break anything..i dont like when im angry because then it takes forever to make it go away again and it sucks because its not the same reaction like hwat goes with being sad..still eventually got around to cnosidering cutting all other ideas werent good enough..could cut but i havent i dont want to not really.i wanted to cry earlier still do kinda i want to get lost somewhere and not come back ever..maybe ill be the second person on saturn..dont remembr if saturn is hot or cold cas i want to go to a cold place..relly cold and then ill walk around in a tshirt and freeze to death before i make it three steps..i cant find my bear anymoreo and i had her and i wan herso i wont get bad dreams and i hope i dont get sick..played the word association game with yvonne yesterday and that game can get depressing awfully fast..im not good the first word kinda things i can do secod or third word.. i think my arm died on me.doesnt really matter sence im forgetting what i want to say..ming is taking up my bed and i want to kick her off but thats to much efort so ill have to share

angry is not the word

there is no word in the english dictionary that can fully get how mad i am..yes i am perfectly fine about a lot of things and i can let a lot of things go but i just flat out refuse to let it go when my grade hangs in the balance of the most idiotic teacher ive ever had..and thats saying something because the lady is a freakin social worker and a bad one so it seems..earlier in the semester she got mad becasue one of the girls in the class sent her an email asking her to slow down or make copies of her notes because no one can keep up with she says in class etc...so the next class she comes in and me being clueless as to what went on wonder why it looked like she was about to cry in front of the class..well she gave this whole speech that flat out called us stupid and that it was our fault if we werent keeping up wtih the readings and it wasnt her responsibilty to make sure we knew what she was talking about when it went with the chapters in the book..and it would have been fine and dandy if she had left out the stupid part..no i didnt do the readings..but i came to class..no one did the readings ..and for the rest of the class no one said anything..after class i found out about the email that went to the teacher and i had to agree with it..this is the second time ive had her as a teacher and yes she does talk really fast and its hard to keep up with what she says..she knew this already, we told her in research, we asked every class if she could slow down and say stuff over...and now its an issue..so the whole thing went to the director of the dept and they didnt do anything about it...after that i never wanted to go to class..i didnt have a reason to listen to anything she said..theres that whole you have to earn respect to get it and she just didnt have mine anymore..but i still did my work, i turned in my work and i still showed up for class..didnt listen or talk in class but then i dont talk in any of my classes so that was nothing new..today i find out that she will be giving grades on participation..and only on that..all the work i busted my butt to do wont count at all and that really really makes me mad..i dont talk in class and thats because i dont like talking much..i didnt talk in this class because i didnt like her..but its not fair to grade on participation when there is other work i already have grades for..and in the handout from the beginning of the semester participation is only supposed to be worth 10 points..not a complete grade and its not fair ..i can handle losing most of those 10 points if i have to but i know my grades and i know im sitting somewhere in the b range..which im perfectly fine with...anything lower than that just isnt right or fair..ive worked way to hard to get my grades up to run into this now..geez even yvonne said in not so many words that the teacher bordered really heavily on being disrespectful towards the class and yvonne was in my class for less than 10 mminutes..ive had the lady for two semesters and the first time i was in her class i got the feeling she didnt like me..nothing to complain about i did myy work and ended up with an a in the class..this semester i guess the feelings were mutual..it takes a heck of a lot to get on my bad side and me being who i am i let a heck of a lot of stuff go for various reasons but now the choice is seriously bordering on me failing or passing a class that i dont need to fail only because i didnt participate..that whole stand up for your rights thing comes to mind and even if i might be the most agreeable person i know with just about everything i can think of i guess the line has to be drawn somewhere..

jealous

kinda sucks a lot when i realize i am jealous and i want to think im happy for her..i could swear and down i was happy for her and almost of the the time i am..but some nights like tonight when she is so happy and then talking about like grown up stuff with me ie sex..but talking about her relationship compared to nothing ive ever gone through gets a bit confusing because she wants my advice on the subject and i give her what i know but its not based on anything ive done...mostly just things ive picked up here and there, things i just know not to do..and after like the third topic change i realized that what yvonne has confused or not about it..its a good thing and i want what she has..i just dont really think ill get it..my whole warped vision of what love is and isnt will just get me in trouble..but all the same the being jealous part completely overshadows the being happy part..and the whole thing really just makes me hate myself more, because a lot of the time i do get a bit annoyed with yvonne for going on and on about her bf and because its not like we can exchange stories or anything on the subject..but i listen and talk and advise because well i just do and then im happy and completely loving hearing what they done or what trouble they manage to get into becuase they are funny and special ..but then i realize i dont have stories like that and if i did i dont know if i would bother telling anyone else about them..but still being jealous just gets in the way..now that im thinking about it i cant get it out of my head..it makes me want to cry..i dont like myself i cant expect someone else to do it for me or in place of me..i dont think there is a such thing as being able to form a relationship with someone when one person has to like the other person enough for both of them..it would wear them out in the long run and it wouldnt last without a heck of a lot of help..therapy comes to mind but it would just be really hard...the more i think about relationships in general the more i just refuse to be touched..its more than a protection thing i guess..almost always im fine with being by myself..not counting this weekend because i cut becasue i was feeling alone and still am..but when i start thinking about why i just happen to be alone it makes me feel worse about everything and more alone than ever..and i guess ill go to bed before i completely lock myself in a dark room or smoething

sucky couple days

i keep forgetting that im supposed to be working on accepting compliments ie good stuff and so when i hear it im not thinking about it..and then like half a minute later i do remember and go back and say thanks..and even though i say it i dont really believe it..my first thought when i hear anything good is that they are liars and second thought is say thanks and forget it..you would think i was walking in front of a firing squad when all i have to do is say thanks..i think it would be easier to do almost anything else..ill take any other homework now

when did things begin to change? it didnt happen all at once so i guess it was one of those gradual things that i wouldnt have noticed if it hadnt been pointed out to me..i question a lot of stuff but not as much as i do now..i spend a heck of a lot of time figuring stuff out, if that could be a job i would be rich by now..i just like knowing the why behind stuff and with mommy i cant do that..so i just half question stuff about her and question the heck out of everything else..

dont feel like writing anymore...this b eing the third one ive started and stopped

things to never do

lesson 1

marshmallows will blow up if you try to roast them in the microwave..but they get really big before they blow up..fun to watch and a pain in the butt to clean up

dreams

saying im scared would be an understatement..wake up on edge kinda thing..the suns out and i have to check under my bed to make sure theres nothing there..im starting to notice all the dreams i remember are about being chased..well a lot of them are any way..the one i had this morning was about being taken to this school place or an old house but i went there with someone i knew..i dont think i would have gone if it had been someone i didint know but anyhow they got me there..and i think it was someone i trusted enough to follow in the first place..but still i went and as usual things are never really what they seem..the place made me think of a hospital..some part of it was about getting blood and testing it for a reason i dont know..and i kept trying to get out and they kept chasing me..they keep managing to find me and i just end up being chased by some lady with a needle..had she caught me i really think she would have killed me..i dont think ive ever managed to really die in a dream though..but if you die dreaming does that mean you dont wake up again? i dont know but ive had this dream once before..same thing though..i end up somewhere i dont need to be and when i figure it out i try to get out and it doesnt actually work and i never know how it ends..just running though..always running from something thats trying to get me..ok someone who is trying to get me..my dreams seriously follow the same patterns..if i wanted to think about the ones i remember..like the time i dreamed i was stuck in this house that happened to be in some secret place under an airport..no idea how i managed to find it but once i was there i couldnt get out again..couldnt find the way out or who ever was there just wasnt letting me get out..or the other school one that ended up with me in the middle of something i didnt want to be dealing with..and if i got to wake up i didnt have to but anyway not a good idea to bring it up now..so my dreams end up being about being trapped or chased..im always somewhere i shouldnt be and then i end up being the one hurt or i cant help the one who is being hurt..and the dream i had where i couldnt help still left me trapped in a way..and that dream i dont want to have again either..dreams suck so it seems..as if i dont enough during the day to not think about anything i have to dream about all of it in completely off the wall ways..and then when explained doesnt seem that far off base which makes it all the more crummier..

thinking

what i would i do if i couldnt write..i think i would be able to drive myself crazy in less than a week..with no where for my thoughts to go i really could drive myself up the wall and it would be really fast...im in a depressing mood and watching rent and making it worse...the longer im by myself the more i want to cut...i keep thinking about when yvonne asked if i knew anything about cutting from my classes and that conversation could have been so different..i still feel a little guilty because she said she didnt know how to help her find and i could have just turned around and told her that she has lived with me for a year and shes helped without knowing she was helping..but i didnt..i dont know if ill ever tell her..or maybe i will when we arent living togethr anymore..dont know..

ive been trying

semesters over

hard to believe that the semester is already over for me...suddenly im that much closer to graduating and i have no idea what im going to be doing..ive offically passed my final general ed req..im done..and that really worries me for some reason..like i have no reason to be in school anymore hence they are about to make me graduate but i have no idea what im supposed to be doing after that? real world, get a job, establish myself..who do they think im trying to be?! id rather just i dont know do anything else but reality must set in at some time and bills dont pay themselves...oh well at least i have no one semester left for putting off thinking about all that.

went to the movies yesterday and saw casanova..went the day before that and saw the new world..went shopping on monday..wow tuesday was the only day i didnt do anything fun..no classes dont count as fun..went and did my make up test yesterday and i hope i did ok on it..but back to yesterday..it was fun, went to class and almost fell asleep in bio and that was only after i found out i wouldnt have to take the exam but i would have to sit through the whole class to sign the roll saying i stayed and woouldnt have to take it..yvonne came to two of my classes an inadvertently had to sit through both of them..one longer than the other but still not the most interesting classes ive had to sit through..i was a dork and didnt eat like i should have yesterday and so by 5 i wasnt feeling good and i was so sleepy..some of that being left over from bio but still i knew better...so we went to dinner downtown and it was really good minus the veggies on my plate..and we played phase 10 and went to expressions on a whim cause it was my bright idea to go in..ive always wanted to look i nthe store and yesterday was as good a day as any to do it..its actually a pretty interesting store..a lot of it just wasnt for me but theres tons of stuff to look at and i bought a talisman necklace..senerity and inner strength...i looked at all of them and there were some for happiness and love and everything but the only one i really liked was the one i got..its pretty though..wonder what mommy will say when she sees it..just a little worried she might make me take it off..hmm guess ill have to worry about that when it happens...if it happens...and then we went and saw casanova and it was good, it was funny, it was scandalous..good heavens but its was ok, not to many people having fun at the same time, but still really funny..and at least i didnt choke on a cookie..and i threw half a cookie at yvonne and i was having a perfectly fine night until i called mommy cas she called me and i didnt get it..some things it makes perfect sense to get yelled at about and for some things its just stupid..topic of the night was shoes..how do i get yelled at for wearing the wrong shoes..and its been a week or so since i did it but i still manage to get yelled at so i remember to never do it again...
never good enough one way or another.

rant

i keep half remembering and then forgetting what im thinking about..but time management is not my thing and all night ive been thinking of a way to make everything work out for today so i can come and take my test and go the the thing on campus and write my paper and not skip any classes ugh..time is never my friend and its the last day of classes for me..no idea where the semester went..working really hard to catch up and make sure ive turned everything in..i still have to figure out when i have exams and im really hoping i wont have to take the bio one...the weather just doesnt like me much so i go back and forth between wearing my jacket and not wearing it and some times im actually not cold go figure..i just wear it cause i dont like my arms much and im back to wearing tshirts and so i keep my jacket on as much as i can..but i figured out that all my stupid pants are getting to big for me..and thatsw saying something i guess..my fav pair of capris will be falling off completely pretty soon..and for some reason im not happy about that..conisdering i change how i eat like every week i dont really think much about the weight hting if someone asked..then i can just look at them like they have lost their mind but all the same i guess i have ...hmm i wonder if that can count as one of my good things or something..but all the same it annoys the heck out of me because i hate wearing belts and if i dont find one soon i wont be able to wear anything but then maybe i get to stay in the house all day..all the same back to half not eating anyway..and that doesnt bother me..not drinking bothers me a lot more..its to hot for me to only manage drinking less than 3ooz of anything..prolly still not even getting close to that either..

nothing

oddest question of the week...is mommy jealous of me? maybe not jealous but when i thought it up jealous was the first thing that came to mind..and then of course i had to laugh at just how off the wall that thought is..someone jealous of me is the same as someone walking off the earth..and everyone knows that is just not gonna happen..so how i thought it up..i was walking by myself across campus in the middle of the night and was half listening to music and half thinking..im still surprised i manage night to run into anything when i walk and think about a million things at the same time..before i talked to harris earlier i talked to mommy and of course went through the same old stuff but she said that harris had gotten something else for me..and that they are always getting me things but they rarely get her anything..and i didnt thinkabout it when i heard it because shes said it before..and while iwas in the movie tonight i remembered it and i dont know why she would keep bringing it up if she didnt like it or either she was jealous..riley and harris are two kids i really do like and for some reason they really like me..they still cry for me to come over, they cry when i have to go home, they call and now email me..and all i do is spend the weekend playing with them when i can..video games and online games, cooking and tons of movies, we play board games and shot targets in the backyard..for two days they have my undivided attention and somehow i have become etched into there existence if i want to be or not im there..and i dont even know why it would matter that much..i didnt start out babysitting them with the goal in mind to make them like me..there are times they annoy me so much and i dont want to be at there house or the times i dont let them do something or send them to bed early and they all but tell me they dont like me..and still an hour later they are back to sitting in my lap or wanting me to do something with me..weird how it works out actually..but i still dont get why it would make her jealous..but i really think she is maybe not a lot but enough to bring it up and point it out that i get special treatment sometimes..and then she has to make me feel horrible to make up for it or something..its not fair..

when i was asked why its harder to accept the good stuff over bad things i didnt really know except that it was just easier..but i do know..im starting to wonder what i dont know..and its not really i know i just dont notice it until it gets pointed out or i have to think up an answer..so anyway..good over bad isnt easy because as soon as i start to like something it will get taken away or just go away..if its good and i like it then i cant keep it..letting go though is different from accepting it i think..might not be..ended up talking half about suicide and other stuff..annnnnd darn now i forgot what i was going to say

kids are great

and i fully believe that as long as they arent mine...i got a call from harris when i got home today and he bought me a book as a surprise..i had been telling him that i wouldnt be able to go and see the new pirates of the carribean when it comes out over the summer becasue ill be at camp and he tells me today that he got me the book so ill have it to read at camp...so majorly nice of him..i told him i would have to come home and get it one weekend and then of course stay the whole weekend..wont be the first weekend in may 5..tali is graduating and ive been invited to her weekend of partying...hence her weekend of being as drunk as possible for two days..and i will so be responsible and and get just drunk enough to not care for two days ..will be fun though..going to a movie tonight i think..will keep me busy for a while and then ill have to get back to studying for my test that im taking tomorrow

delayed reaction

im such a dork..mommy was in another car accident and granny is in the hospital because she had a heart attack..mommy is ok and shes back at home now and in the process of trying to go see granny in ohio..and this is from like over the weekend and the end of last week and for some reason i didnt realize any of it until yesterday..i dont know maybe i was just ignoring it or maybe i didnt want to realize or think about any of it but now that i am it really sucks..i dont want to think about granny dying and all her health problems are justgetting worse and its not like we will get a chance to visit again anytime soon..mommy may go maybe but its the end of the semester and i dont want to just up and leave, i dont want incompletes and have to still turn in work when i get back..im going to camp ini june and my small 3 week vacation with nothing to do is looking really appealing and its incredibly not nice for me to not want to visit when i have nothing else to do..but i dont have money to do that either..still doesnt make me feel b etter about not wanting to go see her cause if she dies i dont know what ill do..first thought is not going to the funeral at all..no idea how i would get out of it but i dont want to go if it happens..i dont like them and i would just really rather not go to one..feeling incredibly mean right now..and now all the good news i got yesterday for school junk just cancels out..its not that important and i keep thinking about it..grades kinda do matter if i want to graduate..but i cant compare grades to family stuff..and the two really arent related at all but because its all i have right now ill take grades to family stuff..if i think about it to much ill just start feeling guilty again..but its not as bad as it was with mommys other accident..really no idea what i would do if mommy actually dies..major guilt trip for thinkingabout all the times i was younger and just wished she would go away to leave me alone and if it took her dying to make it happen i didnt care..but now shes been in two car accidents in a year both bad and some how i almost believed they were my fault..the first one more than the second one..like if i wished hard enough i could make her just leave..stupid

fun

note to self...licking marshmellows does not make them stick to someones hand..i went out with yvonne yesterday night and we went to dinner and shopping and she added going to the grocery store so i would go..no idea why i like the grocery store so much but i do...then it was decided we were going to make rice krispy treats and i was the difficult one and said i wanted chocolate chips and sprinkles in mine..and so we are going to put chocolate chips and sprinkles in them..we didnt make them last night though because we came in to late..so we will do it another night..and i looked at all the books in barnes and nobles..sat on the floor in hallmark beccause by 9 i was sleepy..actually ate dinner..froze to death because it was raining and there wasnt a lining thing in my jacket to it was cold and i was cold and wet..luckily it didnt rain all night or it would have sucked a lot more..talked about marraige and lack there of on my part but noy my fault i can bring it up now that yvonne has a boyfriend..i have to stay entertained some how..yvonne just puts up with it for some reason i havent figured out yet cas i bring it up every other week or so..shes half planning my none exisitent wedding anyway so it works out..i stayed busy enough not to cut when i really wanted to..talking to mommy does that really easy..but i didnt anyway..we played in the parking lot waiting on the bus and i wasnt doing anything but standing on the little bright yellow parking lot thingys and decided i wanted to conquer it and so yvonne decided to push me off..not that it took much work cas my balance is horrible so i kept falling off and pulling her with me..i lost like 5 games of rock paper sissors..and for making me lose my stick i of course licked a marshmellow and stuck it on her hand..i had planned on just throwing it at her but licking it was more fun..she stuck it on me when i wasnt looking and it was so gross..finally made it home and i cleaned up most of my junk all over the floor in my room and she did homework and then i finally went to bed..

before all of that i actually finally did my paper i had been putting off for forever and turned it in..i have to do some other work today and then maybe ill actually catch up with stuff..classes end for me on thursday..scary thought really..no idea what im going to do with myself not counting the camp thing but not being in classes for the summer..weirdness really..and i played video games so responsibly yesterday..because i just had to get my paper done and stop putting it off..actually working on it didnt even take that long and i could have done it a long time ago but i just didnt want to pretty much..i think im going to the movies on campus this week and next week..huge incentive for being free..yvonne is going home for the weekend and i think ill end up dog sitting but that will be ok

from yesterday

Just kinda feel like writing tonight not that that says anything..im forever writing something…still at home and all ive learned once again is that I really don’t like depending on other ppl to do stuff…now more than ever I wish I had my license so I could come and go as I please..no spending time looking for rides or waiting for someone to get some free time..now im just really mad at myself for not getting my license when I was in high school..even if I didn’t want it I should have gotten it…ugh stupid me..nias friends spent the weekend here and that didn’t bother me cas it was just two of them and I was gone for half of the weekend..but tonight all of her friends came over and my being who I am and not liking to many ppl around me at once started to feel completely trapped and in my own stupid house..well mommys house but close enough…I was in the middle of cleaning the house when they got back and so it was like endless people back and forth and I just wanted to tell them not to touch anything..my small ocd tendency prolly..but good grief if im cleaning up don’t mess anything up or touch anything because if I come back and something is not where I left it then ill just get mad and still fix it…no big deal I guess but its to hot here and its seriously making me cranky..i really prefer being cold to being hot..at least if its cold I can just put on more clothes..if its hot I can only take off so much..i know the air is broken upstairs but I don’t know about downstairs and im not about to be the one to turn it on and get in trouble or blow up the house or something..so hot it is..

Went to church this morning and the service was nice, julius and justin didn’t sing though but still it was really good from a completely non believing stance..it reminded me of catrinas church except at her church theres a lady pastor and while I was at sissys church I really started missing the whole church scene..might have just been missing the people at that church..i really want to see tracy and some other ppl..tracy gives really good hugs…gosh I havent been there in 2 years I think..i was thinking about it today and for as much as I don’t believe in church I still liked going..minus all the people and being close to ppl I don’t know..part of the reason I stopped going was because expects me to go and I don’t help it any by lying and saying im going..now I think I would go a bit more than I do if the choice was mine to make.. rebel 101 ..if someone keeps trying to make you do something and theres no way to get caught if you lie about it then by all means lie until you are caught…and there really is no way to catch me in this one unless I just flat out said I wasn’t going..i might just surprise the heck out of catrina and ask her if I can go to church with her one Sunday just to listen..so the church talk today was all about letting go of your past..i could swear sometimes its written on my forehead or something junk I need to hear..doesn’t matter if I want to believe it or not because if I hear it and start questioning it then I got something out of it…it doesn’t take a lot to get me to question some things..and if its something im having a really hard time getting in general then I can question everything I hear about it..given I don’t want to have to think about any of this stuff anymore but I cant exactly let it go either…forgive and forget came up..and I cant forget it if I don’t remember it and I cant remember it if im afraid to find all of it out..but I don’t let myself remember it maybe because I don’t want to forgive…I don’t really think I blame anyone else for how I grew up or what happened..im pretty sure I don’t but taking the blame is just as bad if its something I couldn’t control..i want to say I could control it..i want to take all of it and deal with it to stop myself from blaming someone else…but something stops me from really doing that completely…like somehow I really do know it didn’t work out like that and eventually ill find out the truth and until I do I wont let myself go any farther with anything..i keep hearing that accepting things as they are is really the important thing..and ive thought about it so much, ive argued with myself over it and I still cant decide..i don’t want to give up what little control I do have..no one can make me talk..everyone who knows highly advises I do though..and highly adivse still isnt making me do it..but I still go to therapy for some reason..the decision is still mine for that but I still show up..talk about nothing most of the time but I go..there is some reason for me going and its because she listens to me no matter how stupid the topic is…some weird working relationship that if it had to be broken down I have no idea how it formed..that would be one of those complex things youo don’t want to even have to begin to explain…somehow it works even if I sometimes don’t want it to..not that it makes things worse but its just a way to get new things to think about…I wonder if I can run out of space in my head…there has to be a limit to how many things can get crammed in there before I short circuit or something…just my luck ill be able to think about all of at once without anything happening..maybe ill just drive myself crazy ..could be fun but if I want to graduate I wont be doing that in any type of public way…majorly stressing to feel like im constantly going crazy thinking about something or working out some idea..it makes me think of being in this huge room, empty of course without a way in or out..i cant get out but no one can get in to get me either..theres no help but then theres no pain either not counting what I do..i don’t know what im waiting for but im waiting for something…maybe im waiting for the worse to happen..but whats the worse? Good grief ive seriosuly considered suicide and I don’t think it can get worse than that…im not afraid to die but I don’t think I want to die either..just seems like a good way out at times…and of course im really really careful but still..hmm wonder why I keep writing about suicide…its on my mind lately I guess..way more than it should be but in indirect ways..i seem to have some trouble doing anything directly when my head is involved..im starting to worry about everything..i have to worry..reminds me im not dead it..i could just cut to remember that but worrying works until it gets out of hand and then ill cut anyway...lately purging is back in my head..i keep telling myself i cant do it because getting nosebleeds isnt good and id rather they werent anymore frequent than they were..stopped again for now..maybe that’s why im thinking about it againa…maybe because I came home and mommy just got on my case again about losing weight..abck and forth..either I lose to fast or not fast enough..there is not common middle ground but its never good enough..always something that can be done better or differently…writing that just makes me feel really sad and hurt but not a really clear cut hurt..its bigger than that..deeper than that, just kinda hard to pinpoint I just know its there..writing about things that really make me sad makes me think of being little and being really hurt..the kind of hurt a bandaid and a hug just doesn’t fix not that I would have gotten either…but like I got hurt and then I went away hypothecally of course to fix my hurts but I never came back..doesn’t make sense because I know its there..i just cant really say why or how it got there I guess..im pretty sure if I reread that ill find out it doesn’t make any sense..like I know ive been hurt more ways than one but since I didn’t let myself cry over it, I had to find another way to cry, I had to find somewhere else to cry, somewhere that wouldn’t get me in trouble..my head is good for losing stuff like that..maybe that’s why I know I hurt but I cant find it..i know I cry but I cant find that either.i put a maze in my head and then I was a dork and forgot the way to get through it or in it for that matter..i really don’t think ive even begun to work on anything..tons of roadblocks..all made by me of course..somehow I knw it would come to this and I made it so hard to get any information what so ever..i confuse myself most of the time..but sometimes I can see everything so clearly it doesn’t make sense…if I was asked I wouldn’t b e able to say how any of it worked but I know…seriously I know a lot more than I give myself credit for..but then knowing it and applying it are two very different things…does there always have to be two sides to everything? Why cant it just be one way and I can just leave it alone..that would be making things to easy though and ill be doomed to forever go back and forth between everything..even if I know what I want to say..even if I know the whys behind everything I don’t know if ill ever say them…I was afraid, I am afraid..am I wasting my life? I want to think I should have done more than ive done..life is leaving me behind or kicking me out..wonder how I can get kicked out of my life..im pretty sure its possible though and if it ever happens I guess ill know what it is…at least now im tired enough to jhust sleep

today & yesterday

today is easter and we are going to church..me nia and henry are going to sissys church because her boys are in the choir and she wants us to see them..since mommy is out of town it will be a lot better..i can wear what i want too..mommy had been telling me all week what to wear and i said ok and then i just brought home what i wanted to wear..works out better and if she doesnt know then i wont have to get in trouble about it..when i showed nia the first thing she asked was if that was what mommy wanted me to wear and i said no..i dont think nia will end up wearing wht mommy picked out for her either..maybe i dont care much about appearance because mommy makes it so important..sometimes i do but not alot..so anyway..no need to be sad since i like hanging out with sissy and her kids and it has been a long time since nia henry and i went to church together..its been a long time since ive been to church period. so we are doing church and mommy left money for all of us to go out for dinner and then back to school for me for video games and homework..more video games than homework but ill make al ittle bit of an effort..

i did end up working some this weekend..not as much as i needed too but i have some extra money at least..watching riley without harris around is a lot of fun..the same way harris by his self without riley is a lot of fun..they argue to much when they are together sometimes and im forever making sure they arent hitting each other..but still i had riley overnight and it was actually fun, we watched remember the titans and the end of lord of the rings..we played video games and neopets and he took a 5 min shower..boys can take some quick showers..a quick shower for me is like 10 mins no matter what but mostly i can hang out in the shower for like 20 mins..good place to think..anyway riley has gotten a little hooked on ebay and i had to tell him over and over they he needed a bank acct and an email address and all this stuff he didnt have and he thought up the bright idea for me to order it for him and he would pay me back and it actually would have worked lol..but i didnt want to do that and he is trying to get an xbox 360 and i had to go over why it wassnt a good idea to get one for like 2 bucks when the game system is 400 by itsself..so he talked to his mom and we finally agreed on me helping him set up an email acct..and we did it and i made him practice getting into it by his self without any help and now he can check and write email..i told him he was offically on the internet now because he has an email address..and then he needed someone to write too so i gave him my email..and he has been emailing me back and forth..the first one i got from him was a surprise because he was practicing and so he told me to leave so he could email me..well i did and i got an email from him that said thanks and that i was the best babysitter for helping him set up all his email stuff..and it was completely unexpected but still really nice to get..i told him he was the coolest 9 yr old i know..its fun getting email from him. dee gave me an easter gift yesterday before i came home and that was really nice of her..and since i like bath and body works it was a great gift..

i went to the movies last night with henry and saw scary movie 4 and it was funny..those movies are pretty funny by themselves but it was fun getting to see it last night..there are still a bunch of movies i want to see but ill have to wait with the whole movies are free part of things..nia has friends staying over and i dont mind or anything as long as they clean up what they pull out..hmmm nothing left to talk about..and i have to finish getting ready

hm

i had something to write about but now ive forgotten what it was..i think it was one of those half asleep half awake kind of things and i knew i wanted to remember to write it down when i woke up..but then i woke up and just wanted to go back to bed and so now i forgot what it was..i guess if i was important ill remember it again..not feeling good and ive once again forgotten my vitamins..its been a couple days i think and i wont get them back until sunday..i think ill have to start carrying them in my bag so i stop forgetting to take them..

me and henry were talking about beer pong yesterday.fun but completely weird and random..

i told you so comes to mind..saying im mad doesnt make me feel better about anything..it just makes me feel worse

-your not fine
-who cares

-your not fine
-i am
-no you arent
-i am
-lying is so not your strong point
-hmm

homework - kinda

so ill try this again and see how far i get before i get completely off topic..so ill do the off topic stuff before i get started..

still in a not so great mood...i could swear my body did stuff just to get back at me for everything i do to it..and in an alternate universe im so sure i would get kicked out of my body..could be fun but then i dont know exactly if i would be expected to get another one or is there a limit to how many bodies aperson can go through in one life time..since im working really hard it seems at destroying this one i should be on the list to get another one..kinding aside i really think my body hates me..not sure how i know that but i do..freezing my butt off in the computer lab right this minute because i dont want to go home and have to pack..i just dont want to go home at all and when i do i dont know what i want to do..so im listening to goodbye my lover yet again..and writing here and still not working on my paper..ugh i dont know why i dont want to turn it in..all i have to do is correct it and i wont do it..not even a big deal..i keep putting it off..pretty soon the semester will be over and ill s till be looking at it..ok so i wont because i cant fail and now would be a really stupid time to go and fail all my classes but good grief im working on it..feeling sick and everything but thats not an excuse..i just feel sick and cold...saw my advisor today about fin aid stuff and that just really sucks by itsself..i have the urge to jsut run..i dont know where i would go though..i dont know what i would do..and my health class has done nothing but make me more paranoid than i already was..i just kinda refuse to have kids and i refuse to ever in my life sleep with anyone..it could be a safety thing as in there are way to many stds going around or it could just be that i dont want to sleep with anyone..or it could be that having someone else in my bed completely weirds me out..that and i sleep far enough off my bed for like two ppl to sleep on my bed most of the time..it really surprises me i dont fall off the bed everynight but if im not sleeping on the very edge im sleeping so close to the wall i could be glued to it..more often than not dusti has plenty of room on my bed any given night..but we watched a movie in class last night and it was so sad watching all those kids crying when they were talking about how there parents died of aids..ppl are stupid at times and i have no idea why govt cant see that this is a huge problem and it needs to be fixed like now..stats on it are just horrible and they keep getting higher and so yea..no kids for me..and im so still going to take an hiv test sometime soon..just to know..everytime i bring it up yvonne looks at me like im crazy because truthfully i have no reason to worry..i should be more worried about gettting tetanus or something but im not..but i wont feel comfortable until im absolutely positive i dont have some disease i dont know about..i dont need anything else to worry about right now..i worry about enough small stuff for everything and then half ignore the big stuff until i cant get away with it anymore..besides i dont need any help catching anything..i leave myself up for getting infections almost weekly..no point in making it worse..and i guess i made my point on some weird level..hmm i dont know..lost what i was thinking about a minute ago..so back to homework

kinda weird writing out homework on purpose but here goes..topic of the week is distress tolerance and how to make it work i think or learn it or something along those lines..and this time i made it through reading all of it and i guess it makes good points and some of it is stupid and some of it im not really sure what the point was or why it would work basically i just didnt know what it was..i dont like that pain as to be a part of life..i really wish no one ever had to hurt because it makes ppl sad and then they cry or in my case cut or something..i keep trying to ignore them and make all the things i dont like or want to deal with go away..and where it goes i dont know but i know it doesnt really go away..not if i have the weirdest dreams ever at odd times..or if i can sit in class and be so far zoned out i have no idea where im at but im not where i should be..that counts as dissociating i think but a lot of the time im not sure what makes me do it in class..hmm ok i do know but i always thought i had no problem listening to someone else talk about abuse or something..but a lot of the time now if i cant let what im hearing go or just listening without trying to change it in anyway or apply it in anyway then i start drifting off..kinda starts out as remembering something and thing just leaving..leaving without being gone anyway if im still hearing whats going on aroun dme..i think i managed to hyponotize myself once..completely an accident but drawing the little neverending circles could drive a person crazy if they did it long enough but just watching the motions is like nice nice nice and then its gone anyway..so i read what i had and some of it was missing but anyway its like im reading it and expecting to get something out of it and i keep thinking im missing the big picture of what it is..the definitions i guess make sense and it seems like it would be no problem reading it and doing it or applying it to the point of knowing whats going on and letting it go but well its not..i dont accept emotions and thoughts as they are most of the time..no real idea why i dont though..i just know i dont if i cant even come up with anything short of basic emotions at any given time..still most of the time i dont know what im feeling..and if i cant name it then i dont want to have to deal with it..maybe i do have the approval thing mixed in and it doesnt need to be..i keep trying to make acceptance and approval the same thing and they arent..i know that accepting doesnt make things ok but i dont want to have to accept anything without making it ok..that whole little truth thing has to come in somewhere and it picked this to mess with..avioding means i dont have to deal with the truth until someone makes me..and even then with most ppl it takes a lot to make me do something emotion wise that i dont want to do..but with other everyday stuff you just have to ask in a way that makes it seem wrong to say no and ill do it..if i want to or not ill do it..because what i want doesnt really matter until now..in the past couple years more so than anyother time suddenly i have everyone asking what i want to do or how i want things to be and if i knew i wouldnt be so stuck now would i? weird having ppl who actually want to know what im thinking and why or how i see things the way i do without getting mad at me over it..funny how things work out i guess not that im great at saying what i want..occasionally i will though if im asked enough i can come up with something..that kinda would be the wants and should thing thats off balance i think..i do things because i think i should do them not because i want to do them..just kinda leaves me feeling trapped and then to get over it i do other stuff like cutting or purging..and thanks to the random nosebleeds again im not purging currently..i think its been darnit its only been like a week..thats besides the point umm something about reality sucking and not liking it comes to mind but ive complained about that enough already..but im not sure how i manage to change things around in my head..like i see a lot of what going on around me but when i try to remember it, its like things have moved or changed or been taken out..theres someone in my head playing cutouts with my memories..im really not lacking at all inte the imagination department..ican picture almost anything in my head in a heartbeat..randomly too..pretend worlds are fun because i can make anything happen..there can be a world that doesnt have to hurt for any reason..no matter how stupid i can make it..i read somewhere that sometimes kids make these safety places..well when i was reading it it was about flashbacks but its just like this place they have in there head where they can go to be safe..maybe i do that but i think its more than just using it for when i remember something i dont want to see..i do it all the time..like removing myself from something just becasue i can..sometimes i just end up going off without meaning too, staring into space but its like im looking at something that is really not there because its nice to see and then i just do it all the time..can whats real and whats not real get mixed up to the point of not being able to tell them apart? no i dont walk around seeing things that arent there but i guess it counts as a perception thing..my perception is a bit off then...im really sure this is supposed to make sense..then ill reread and have no idea what i was thinking about..back to the other stuff though..willingness and willfulness im not sure i really get..by the definitions i do willfulness..that one goes with the passive stuff and trying to ignore/destroy life ..and that makes it sound kinda bad but its prolly true..it is true but ill wait for it to be explained a little bit more..before i get myself thinking its something that its not..moving on..the pathological grieving part was kinda interesting because they said its the same thing as avoidance well the results would be the same..but the grieving part is an on going thing and if im grieving i have no idea what its about..coule be my past but i would think i would get a bit bored of grieving that for long..but i think that goes with being sad aka depressed a lot of the same..sad and depressed are different too but they can still go together..i take all these tests online just because tthere is no point to them but they are fun and sometimes make sense..but all the online depression tests are stupid..9 times out of 10 i get that im severly depressed and should seek help..well duh i already knew that..but if you put that your suicidal it takes forever to close them because it keeps saying call 911, blah blah blah..the eating disorder tests are fun too..like why would you waste your time taking them if you didnt know or question you had a problem in the first place..most of the time i just do them because i dont have anything else to do and the results can be pretty through..depending on the type of test but always the same results..in a nutshell you need and you need to go get some..talk about an easy reason to just call yourself crazy..there arent any tests for s/i though..guess you kinda know your doing it if your doing it..no help for the wicked..anyway hmm i could so write my own dx and it would be a lot of fun and then i could give myself a reason to take meds i dont want or need..ok i kinda want them but not because they help..most of the ones i want count as downers umm forget the medical word for them but they like make you zone out or calm down depending on how your looking at them..i want them because of what they do..if i let things get bad enough to where im completely on edge and cant calm down then yea they might help given i took them correctly and i wouldnt..but i know i dont need meds just lying around either..to tempting and i can say iowuld never ever ever try to kil myself but somethings thinking can be incredibly persausive..and i can get myself to believe it would work..at home over the summer i wanted mommys meds..codine or morphine she had a few for her surgery stuff just lying all over the place..i really questioned if she would know if i took some..not to kill myself but just to see what would happen and if i just happened to die it would have been an accident..but if i planned for it then well it wouldnt count as an accident..espeically if it didnt work and good grief if im going to do it it had better work..cas if it didnt mommy would have me in a hospital in a heartbeat.and that one i wouldnt be able to get out of at all..at leazt not at first..its like 48 hours or something if i dont try anything..but then if you try to kill yourself i dont think they can let you go..but then since i prolly wouldnt talk it wouldnt make any sense to keep me but then not talking would prolly do the exact oppisite and make them keep me there longer..i havent looked in the med cabinet lately but i think she still has some of those at home..dont remember but i wont take them..like i need anymore trouble from her..i manage to getinto enough without needing to add taking meds that arent mine to the list..i dont even take red meds right..so i really dont need anything else that im supposed to take..i forget to take my vitamins and i guess i kinda need them but at the same time i still dont want to take them..inadvertently dying takes to much works..stupid never ending battle of looking for ways to die without really dying..more just ending up sick for a couple days and then it goes away again..its so easy getting off topic sometimes..umm the whole proving to others how bad things are just doesnt apply to me because that i dont do..that would involve talking when im having sucky times and that doesnt really happen..i dont like or want anyone feeling sorry for me because i cant deal with the real world..no point in telling anyone im suicidal if i know im not going to do anything permanent..seeing how much i can take before i cry because it hurts maybe but talking and complaining no..sometimes i chat online for distractions but not really i want to die and i want you to feel bad for me kinda things..i dont like when ppl do that..its like they are looking for someone to beg them not to do anything and i dont think thats fair ..especially not when its done onlien and the person reading it could be like amillion miles away..just to have to worry until they hear from you again..i have told on rare occiasions when i wanted someone to know i was planning something that leads to weird things..more often than not they just stay up to talk to me and keep me busy and talk me into calling my doc..and that can take a long time if i dont want to call.. i havent really gotten down the asking for help thing yet..and that annoying little contract that i have..its not cool having to tell my advisor im suicidal in a serious way..im really really careful with it..and if it gets to the point where i cant deal with it by myself then ill tell someone..but just the everyday i want to die stuff..i do ok with dealing with that if you dont count the cutting and burning that is..besides i kinda refuse to get put in the hospital and that is ruling factor in who gets to know..i dont like hospitals but ill work in one..i dont like knowing that there are ways to be overpowered i guess with the hosptial thing..and even though i know all about how it works i dont like it..that little your an adult thing doesnt work so much when its a life or death kinda thing..you can be arrested for being suicidal..yea i think its being and not trying..cas if you try your just going to the hospital anyway..i cant forget that mommy still uses the hospital thing..if she knew i still cut or better than that burned and purged i wouldnt get out of the hospital..going home like today when i have new scars on my wrist..not even still scars cause they havent started healing yet ..still in that to sore to wear anything on them..i keep them covered up but i dont/cant wear my wrist bands at home..like i need reason for her to question why i ahve it on..if she took it off i cant say its a rash or anything..way to neat for that and mommy might be a lot of things but stupid isnt one of them..she knows dusti didnt put the scars on my like she lets people think..she might not really believe i did it but she knows dusti didnt..i worry she will see my legs one day and know ive completely lied for the past two or so years..going home doesnt make me safe..going home makes me feel guilty..maybe thats why i do it..i go home to make up for lying about everything..its more than i go home because i have to..i go home because id prolly just die of guilt if i didnt..its kinda shame too but more guilt..like i have everything but i still manage to be a total screw up..and mommy just wont let me forget it..fall from grace and be forever condemned to burn in hell..you go to hell for killing yourself anyway..not a religious person at all but i believe in heaven and hell and constaine is a really good movie but anyway..ill never get to see nicole again if i end up in hell and most days im almost positive i wont see her again anyway..but if i had to choose between living and dying..most days im not real sure id make the right choice..that should make me worry or something and it doesnt..just makes me sad and wonder what it took to make me think that in the first place..

lost track of what i was supposed to be writing so ill try it again maybe

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

things suck

right now im not to happy with anything that is going on..school is really starting to get to me and i havent been paying attention in class or turning in my work or anything..im going home again tomorrow and im not wanting to do that at all because well i cut this morning..not alot but on my wrist..i feel really off right now..to much going on in my head and to much to think about and all i want to do is cry and i wont do that so i just want to cut or go away...i actually went to all of my classes today..almost talked myself out of all of them and i spent my time inbetween classes playing video games and eating chocolate..i really wont get into my sugar fixes today..but all ive eaten is sugar..i think it would have been healthier to just eat plain sugar and get over it..ill be sick tomorrow..and then it will really suck ..i still feel sick now and the urge to throw up is a pain in the but when i have to walk all over the place..but im in my night class now and once again not paying attention..i found out todat that i really will have to get a physical and that scares me a lot ..im worried about what i will have to do and its been so long since ive had one that i really dont know what they test for anymore..im not even sure my immunizations are up to date anymore..ugh everything really blows right now and it feels like i cant catch up to save my life..my fault for letting everything slack off in the first place..i have no idea about my grades this semester and i really dont care anymore..i wont fail but i wont be making the chancellors list again either..and that sucks like i did good enough to make all a's and then i go and screw up my grades again..like i was dumb enough to go and make all a's and now it will be expected of me and i wont do it again..now im not really sure what will be happening..

we talked about therapy and how society still looks at it..and its still really considered a bad thing...and its not that i think its a bad thing but its just im not sure its a great thing..well i can see how it would help but of course i only apply it to other ppl..i completely have no problem with someone else being in therapy..but if you ask me about my therapy and its like its ok but i would so rather not be doing it..i still say it means i have a problem and well duh i do have a problem which makes the only thing as confusing as everything..karen asked me today if i would ever go to therapy and i looked at her like she had lost her mind..not that i would ever mention that i was in therapy..well normally i wouldnt..but with karen its a little different..when i first met her like a year and some ago i wanted to be her..i learned more about her life in one semester than i know about a lot of ppl..she doesnt mind sharing her story and she has an interesting yet really hurtful story and shes ok now...she would be like a role model for anyone who met her..and i swear she would understand some of what im stuck with if i ever bothered telling her but she has a lot of advice i think..i listen to her talk about her life all the time and i have no idea how she does it..yea shes like 20 years older than me and doesnt look it but still yea lots of advice if i ever bothered asking but as usual i have no real idea what i would ask or how..

i wrote today in my earlier class kinda like now but without my comp and it was kinda like a dialogue..really i can question myself about a lot of stuff if i sit still long enough to get through it..still its mostly juts thoughts but done in a question/answer kind of thing..but today i actually did it for a while and got a page of stuff and reading it just makes a lot of stuff seem really clear but i just i dont know..as much as i want to believe it i dont want too..it just scares me..maybe the more i write about it the more ill be able to make myself see what i have to see..i was asked yesterday if i was in therapy as a kid and i wasnt but now its like ok would things ahve been different if i had been in therapy then? or would i be the same or would i have ever picked up the cutting and stuff..dont know..but ive never been much for talking..im slowly getting a little better at it now but as a kid i dont think they would have been able to get anything out of me..or maybe it would have been a bit easier forming a relationship with me as a kid..the trust thing and all..everything can turn into a what if question

cant sleep

listening to music and thinking and thats about all..now i just cant sleep or i dont want to sleep and i know i have to be up in a few hours too..

yvonnes play was really good..i likeed it a lot and it was funny but had a few sad parts too..but overall really good..i love theatre a lot more when im not in it..i really wish it wasnt already past midnight or i would take something to go to sleep.since i cant im just stuck awake for now..ill prolly just bore myself into sleeping for a little while..this would be one of those nights where i want to talk but im afraid of what ill say and so i dont sign into the messengers to even check for anyone..id rather just drive myself crazy alone..ever since i wrote earlier ive wanted to cut..by the time i got through what i was thinking about i realized i wanted to cut..didnt when i started but the more i guess i got control over my head it came out..rereading what i wrote even i get a bit lost sometimes and i wrote it..im supposed to know what in the heck is going on and i dont..i have no idea where my train of thought goes sometimes ..domt really know i come up with somethings..

dusti got locked on the back porch tonight..i couldnt find her and yvonne helped me look for her and i didnt even know yvonne had been on the back porch..but some how dusti ended up locked out for a little while...scared the heck out of me when i couldnt find her

back and forth

I dont need to make plans because i hardly ever stick to them..im supposed to be working on my paper and instead i spent the day shopping and spending money..i really didnt plan on buying anything and ended up wtih a bunch of stuff..i really want to be disappointed in myself but i dont want to cause i like what i bought and most of my money went to lunch anyway...yvonne and i went to olive garden..my idea incredibly because i dont like olive garden at all and iwas really just going to get breadsticks ane we ended up ordering appitizers and dessert..and it was fun and i poured diet coke into a wine glass and of course put my straw in it..and i even ate what i ordered and it was pasta free cas pasta is just kinda gross..yvonne ate some of what i ordered to because i wasnt eating it anyway..dessert was the best part..moinly because it had ice cream with it and i told yvonne i would bring my own sprinkles next time because olive garden doesnt have sprinkles for there ice cream..thats like me asking for ketshup at the hiabaci because i didnt like any of there sauces..then i fished the ice out of my drink by using straws as chopsticks and for the record that really just doesnt work..and that was aafter i spilled most of my drink swtiching cups..we went and looked at the kittens in petsmart and i got yvonne ballons and flowers for tonight and then proceeded to choke myself on the strings when i was walking out the door..we went to this really colorful store called pizzaz i think and she still managed to get me something without me seeing her..now i have princess tape :) that im so gonna stick all over the place...went home and changed for tonight and now im in the computer lab wasting time...its been a really busy day but fun too..i seriously think me and yvonne somehow complete each other..im her quiet side and shes my uninhibited side...and i got a new coloring book today and candy i didnt really need but got anyway..looked at stickers and posters in the craft store..talked about getting married and naming kids..odd convos..i think i was poked with a breadstick..and i did the usual and called most of the food on the menu gross

i dropped by prof dunns office today because i was trying to waste time while yvonne was doing some class work and i didnt really have anywhere else to go and of course she was in her office today and so i ended up talking to her...and now ive been stuck thinking about what she asked me..last time i was in her office i asked how old she was and i knew she had an older son and i had an idea of how old she was but i was still off .. she doesnt look her age at all, she looks so much younger infact, like not my age but not much older than me..and if i didnt know she had kids i would have been a lot more off with her age but anyway..she asked me how old i felt emotionally..the problem wasnt that she asked because i have thought about the subject before but its that she kinda implied i would say a much younger age than i was..and i didnt give her an age because i didnt want to and i had to think about it but the first age that came to mind was like 9..and riley is 9 and i know how he acts and well it doesnt really fit...so i said i didnt know and we talked about how like sometimes a kid can stop growing emotionally if something traumatic happens..and ive heard it before but its still a lot different coming from a teacher..i swear she seriously wants to know more about me and i dont plan on telling her much more than she knows and i dont even know a lot of myself..but anyway..thinking about it makes sense..more than i want it to because it wouldnt take a genious to figure out that im not socailly where im supposed to be at..emotionally it would take a little longer to figure out..and just knowing me in general wouldnt give that info away..like today i got yvonne a disney princess ballon and she told me that coming from me it makes sense..i know most of the pixar and disney movies by heart and yvonne knows that..she also knows that me and mommy dont really get along great..yea everytime i come back i have more clothes than i know what to do with but still..now im worried that maybe im childish and i really want to ask yvonne what she thinks because she knows me the most on a person to person basis because well i live with her..i could ask some ppl online but it wouldnt be the same becasuae they know me kinda by what i do and then by what i like..the ones i talk to alot know me a little bit but still its not the same as seeing someone everyday...besides yvonne hasnt ever told me i needed to grow up or change..sometimes when im in a bad mood ill tell myself that but i dont really mean it..im not really sure what id be if i really grew up...i know i havent not counting body growing..im stuck in some kid phase i just dont know which it is..maybe a part of it is denial because everyone seems to want to talk about that lately..like im really aviodiung something i dont want to see or deal with and eventually it will find a way out and i even try to ignore that and end up cutting or something..so it doesnt make any sense..if i know im doing it then why wont i stop..maybe not stop but why cant i see what im doing...hiding from reality doesnt work because when i do that i forget about all the good stuff i get to do..like going out with yvonne was fun..that really happened and there was nothing to change about it..but i dont know if ill remember it..i dont want to forget it but sometimes my head just has a mind of its own..and once i start grouping things together for whatever reason i start losing stuff in a way...i can hide stuff from myself but then iforget where it goes or how to get it back..somethings i know like the cinderalla clock, the march of the penguins posters, the princess stuff, the jack jack attack book..those i know i got and i remember them..but i dont remember what happened last year or the year before that or ten years before that..not really specfic things..more general stuff i guess..i dont know if im afraid to remember anything or if i just forget because i can..or maybe i dont forget at all and its all still in my head i just cant find it or recall it if i needed too..so in so many ways i am such a kid and as much as i might like it -end that thought for a sec- i want to be protected from being hurt and for some reason i dont see that happening as an adult..i want to stay a kid because that means there will always be someone there to make sure im ok..even if it doesnt happen the thought is there..i cant protect myself and in truth no one else does but still sometimes it just feels like im being looked out for..yvonne does it alot and her mom too..catrina and janet do it and in a way so does dr bass and prof dunn and dr miller..i think ive mixed up caring and protection..i know if anything really happened they couldnt do anything to stop it..but on a day to day basis i know that if i needed something they would help..and so that means my docc would protect me in a way too..i dont know..yvonne really has no idea how much she helps me without her knowing it..and i know that one day i will tell her..maybe all of it too but she does so much that i dont ask for that i really appreciate and randomly need and i have no idea what i would do without her..we talked about what things would be like if we never met..she said im her favorite roommate and that she would rather live with me than anyone else..and its not that i was looking for that when the convo started but still it was nice to hear...i dont want to lose that and i think if i change i would..llike suddenly i would be expected to do things by myself without help and deal with everything..like suddenly no one would care anymore..even if most of the time i dont even want anyone to care..and for some reason hearing that someone likes me makes me incredibly nervous..i told prof dunn today not to tell me why she likes talking to me..i tell that to dr bass too..i dont know why riley and harris prefer having me at there house..not my fault no one will play with them..yea they have my attention when im there..and riley and harris hug me so much..and as much as i hate being touched..ive gotten better about it..with those two it doesnt matter if i want to be hugged or not because they do it anyway..i think im just rambling now..im thinking of something that is just staying right out of my awareness..just writing until i can find out what it is kinda..but i ahve to go soon too so who knows..hmm back to the childish thing..maybe im lacking in the emotional dept more than i thought i was..and i call it not growing up but its all the same thing and all of it just has to be connected..cant work on one without everything else having to come up..not even going as slow as i possibly can and not talking about anything can stop any of it...all the stupid nights im afraid to sleep or like last night when i take enough meds to make sure i sleep or the nights i have so much going on in my head i cant sleep even if i want too..acceptance doesnt mean approval and thats something else im not getting..if i want to get to the bottom of everything then i have to accept it but that means i would really have to stop avoiding the truth..thats all i do..everyday all day..i dont think about what i know to be true..instead i make of other stuff or tell myself it didnt happen or say its all a lie that ive some how made up..but why would i make it all up? even yvonne picked up on how mommy treats me that last time she went out with all of us..if yvonne can see it then why cant i? why does the truth have to be so scary..why is it that i can completely go away when i dont like something? sometimes i worry i wont be able to come back..like i can go far enough away and get lost in my head..and then what would happen? what will i do? where in the world would i be? i dont want to get lost in my head..there are places even i refuse to go and its my head so that means i put what ever is there in there in the first place..and still sometimes im afraid of what i think about..i dont know how i can have so much going on in my head and still function every day..sometimes i wonder if i can get better..i wonder whats really the point of having to deal with all of this..why doesnt ignoring it work anymore..i dont think i will handle the truth well at all so i keep avoiding it..which i need to remember to write for my little homework thing im still putting off...its ok to comfort a kid and tell them everything will be ok..lie or not you still tell them that..and i want that..i dont think i ever got it because everything was my fault..everything is my fault..everything keeps being my fault and i dont know why or how to stop it..somehow ive gotten back to thinking i dont deserve to be helped..and i know i do make things incridibly difficult when they dont eneed to be..but letting it be easy doesnt seem right either and its not..none of it is easy and iwish it was..the scars on my wrist refuse to fade this time..

sunday

not sure this will be long at all..gave in and took something for my headache and im just hoping that it will put me to sleep for the night..im back in greenville and i came back with carmin and that was fun..and i hung out with henry and nia and one of her friends today..got a new cd that ive been listening to all night..and of course the song is just depressing but i still like it..not really sure why i have such a headache but its making me feel sick..the blister on the back of my foot just isnt getting better..i think it might be a little bit infected but im not sure but all the same i put meds on it and covered it back up and hopefully it wont feel so bad in the morning..all the walking on it lately with sneakers on just isnt helping it im sure..but i still say its to cold for flip flops..so sneakers it is painful or not...im trying hard not to be really mad at yvonne but i got home about 2 or 3 hours ago and everything is just a mess and most of the time it doesnt bother me so much because i leave my fair share of stuff all over the place..but today it just bothered me a lot and it upset me because i knew she was having company this weekend and i know shes doing her play this weekend so shes really busy but i just still think she should have straightened up a bit..if i ever ever have a boyfriend i really hope i dont change..i know when i see her tomorrow she will say sorry for leaving everything a mess but all the same i stll cleaned up..no point in just doing part of it and leaving the rest so i just did all the cleaning ive been putting off and got caught up i guess..now im tired and that may have had something to do with my headache too..i really hate that cleaning is so ingrained into who i am..as much as i hate doing it, i still do it without thinking..part of it is just me thinking i have to because if i dont ill get in trouble..part of it is just boredom..part of it is calming..and even all the time it takes for me to talk myself out of it..ill get around to doing it and as much as i hate to admit it im good at it..sometimes having everything in order just makes me feel like ive accomplished something..still i could swear at any moment mommy will show up and start yelling at me for forgetting to do something or how my room is because yes i cleaned the rest of the house but i didnt clean mine..everything is still on the floor because im just not feeling like cleaning right now anymore..my room always gets slacked off on because its not like anyone will be coming in here but me..i feel like im complaining alot right now and i dont want to..even though i was at home kinda i still had a fun weekend with riley and harris..i got to do a bunch of stuff and see laura..still the last part was benig around mommy and that just really can make the whole weekend suck..im going home agani in like 3 days..and not even knowing mommy wont be home doesnt make it any bettermedicated sleeps are the best..bedtime before all my words start running together

long day

major headache right now..but im going to go take something for it in a little while...a bit weirded out with all the people here for the garden tour and the ones who takes it upon themselves to just walk right in to someone elses house..not that i would waste money to look at a garden becasue its not my thing but oh well..its not my money either..but thankfully its getting ready to rain so im not complaining..its been a long day though..woke up early and went to the parade and then hung out downtown at the fair and of course ate funnel cakes and ice cream...went to the movies yesterday to see ice age 2 and the movie was funny..the neurotic squirrel being the best part and crazy sid ..had ice cream..in the process of teaching them phase 10..and im getting paid to house sit so of course im online..still really missing dusti. hmm bit dejected dealing with mommy but ill deal with that later..im actually ready to just go home but ill have to stick it out..

thanks to nia i now like saving jane and more of james blunts songs..my favorite being goodbye my lover for now..ill have to d/l all of those songs when i get back online again with my computer..mojorly disappointed ive been forgetting to take my vitamins..ive been forgetting a lot of stuff lately..sucks i missed my meeting on thursday..so a lot of things suck right now...but i saw some ppl today i havent seen in a while and im so tired all i want to do is go to sleep..ive gotten dehydrated without meaning too again...been happening alot lately and maybe the weather has something to do with it since its been so hot lately..dont know but now i have to really watch what i drink..because drinking to the point of being sick prolly wont help anything.

i miss dusti..its lonely here..everyone has something to do except me..without dusti i have no entertainment..i dont sleep great without dusti walking all over me or taking over the bed or looking out the window..i know shes ok with yvonne but still ill be glad when i get back..but then i know its prolly better to leave her with yvonne because well mommy just doesnt like her at all..so i dont know..same old stff..change this, you suck, stop that..and i need an on and off switch for my head

oh well

ever get the feeling that no one listens to you..its like mommy just flat out ignores what i told her last week..i already had plans tonight and i told her i couldnt go home until later tonight and now its like i never said it because she will end up here before i even get out of class and then i just have to go home..and i will end up missing my meeting because i guess it wasnt important enough to remember..good thing i told yvonne i couldnt go see her play tonight..i would have missed it either way..but im going on monday and that works out better...all of it is depressing..im expecting her to call and tell me she is sending someone else up here and i nneed to be home and ready..that just made me mad and so i ended up having to rush and get everything done and they were later than expected anyway..going home is to much work sometimes..to much effort to try to not listen and take out the important stuff without holding on to the stuff that just gets me in trouble..so i woke up early and did laundry and now im home between classes so i can get everything packed and in order..then i have to go to my other classes and maybe my meeting depending on when she decides to head up here..then i dont know..the more the day progresses the sadder i get..without any real reason..im back to really wanting to cry without any real reason...trying to keep my head as empty as i can just because it makes things a little easier..i have to keep reminding myself that cutting is bad and maybe i wont do it today at least and to keep busy im in the process of shooting silly string at my door..not my smartest idea since now i have it all over the floor too b ut it was entertaining and now dusti is studying the door trying to figure it out lol..guess ive wasted enough time..gotta go something productive..but watching part of narnia again looks way more appealing. that prolly goes to avoiding but i havent finsihed thinking about that just yet..got sidetracked yesterday and stopped working on it..i want to go to sleep..i dont want to go to class and ill suffer through going home because i said i would and ill be getting paid for most of my time at home..but still home is i dont know..i still dont think its right to not want to go home..ill be stuck spending the rest of the day listening to my head argue..makes me think of watching a tennis match...two sides, one for and one against and there is way more in the against side than the other one..the for side hardly ever wins but its still alwaqys the same fight, same argument, even if the against side wins nothing happens..more often than not i think that side gives up after a while..at least im not suicidal this time...not great but ill get over it.i always do after a while

might as well do the easy one

today was umm long..lost my phone and freaked out until i found it again and i just left it on the bus..and it wasnt that i even lost my phone that bothered me..it was that i would have to tell mommy if i didnt find it..kinda warped way tto look at it but it was the first thing i thought about after of course i yelled at myself for losing it in the first place..but i found it without any trouble and went and bought chronicles of narnia and now im watching it..walking is still a major pain in the butt and i cant walk around in flip flops with bandaids covering the back of my feet..so im just hoping it will get better before saturday..i found out i might be going to the circus and that would be a lot of fun..ive taken them before and they loved it..i thought it was great too and i think that was the first time i went to the circus..so home it is..hmm still dont really want to go but its just for a couple dayss...next week ill have to worry about when it gets here..and once again im completely forgetting what i was thinking of writing..so back on topic..narnia is a great place..ok now back on subject
why cant girls be knights

i know i have a few control issues..mostly centered around not having any but i never would have thought that would be a reason for why i liked playins sims so much..that would go for all video games..i really like the ones where i have the control to say what goes on and when and how..its just so much easier controlling something like that vs controlling like my life...but in reality as in like sitting on the couch reality its not fun controlling someone else or trying to control someone else..because there you waste so much energy worrying about someone else that i guess you start losing control of yourself in a way..i might not have the control dealing with myself but im pretty sure i dont control someone else..i think id rather just get my control back and leave everything else alone..or try to anyway..but i dont know if that would mean i would have to take away the control mommy has or come up with my own..not that im exactly sure how that would happen..can two people control the same person? maybe but i think eventually it would have to go one way or the other..it would be a battle all the time if two ppl controlled one..there would always be a conflict..always something thats not right..but thats kinda the way it is now..leaning way more on mommy for the actual control part and i just randomly manage to have control for little bits of time..so much stuff to work on it seems like..

skipping ahead..topic of the day is aviodance and why it works...i think i like it..never had to think about it really..almost second nature like a bunch of other things..so guess ill start with the basics..i know the definition of avoidance and when i think about it i just think of putting off doing something i dont want to do. and i do it all the time..most obviously with talking on the phone..i dont like it and i dont do it unless i have and even then i wait until the last possible minute to do it..i wait until i have to do it and there is no way out of it..but i think the same works for all the emotions im not dealing with or accepting..if im putting them off and not dealing with them it does nothing except turn around and come out in my dreams or make me refuse to stop thinking about stuff or do all the impluse stuff..more than i admitted to anyway..but not admitting it doesnt make it go away for good..avoiding it does nothing except make me afraid to sleep..all of that just makes me wonder why i keep doing it if i know it doesnt work as much as i like to believe it does..i do it because its the only way w

thinking

how do you gain confidence?? but thats the same i think as having self confidence/esteem/i dont know?? not that i have any of it on any given day but still...just started thinking about this a few days ago...its the end of the semester and so presentations and speaking in front of classes and since ill be doing my internship thingy next semester suddenly i will be spending most of my days talking and dealing with people..but i dont like talking to people not all the time but a lot of the time..kind of a ill talk when i ha ve to and thats it..but now that is really going to have to change..and with taht im guessing will come standing up for myself and self esteem kinda too..the problem being i dont really think i know the first thing about gaining confidence...maybe that will get me to talk more too i dont know...maybe i just have to get around to liking myself regardless of what im doing..and eventually maybe ill get around to stopping all the stuff i do that umm hurts me..which ive only lately even started to acknowledge...this is so turning into a year of changes you know...i guess things have to change eventually and its just like stopping and seriously looking around at everything going on with me and in the world..and one thing ive noticed is that a heck of a lot of ppl are dying..besides the point but every week some famous person has died or there is a natural disaster..hence im not liking the weather much..hurricanes and tornados and earthquakes and good grief im starting to think that global warming is getting kicked into high gear for some reason..ok umm forgetting what the point is again...not that i never noticed before its just now the news is kinda interesting..there is always something going on, something to look at or learn to not like..hence i really will leave my views on the president for another day cas that could take a while! but those thoughts aside there is tons going on that i just kinda ignored i guess..

hmm i was completely out of my mind or something and wore my shirt backwards for half of the day..i would have left it to if yvonne hadnt told me my shirt was on backwards before i releft the house! no idea where my head was this morning..especially after i so wondered why my shirt looked weird...finished one of my papers to turn in today and i have one more to work on due by 12 tonight..and another one i juts really need to work on so i can get it turned in...ugh..i was talking to shameeka in class today and she was telling me she hasnt been turning in work either and its like we wait till the last semester to start really not doing anything..maybe its just going around or something...but maybe its stopping now finally since ive started doing my work again..or trying to at least..that so has to count for something..skipping my night class to write my paper because well it has to be finished tonight..then home to clean and pack and just lots to do at home...

oh something ive learned this week..i dont have to not like something because someone else doesnt like it..until i got really excited over narnia coming out this week and yvonne and valerie just so not feeling the same way its like ok..i like it and you dont and who cares..valerie didnt like my movies either and i told her that i didnt buy them for her to like, i have them cas i like them..never thought i would say that but i get a bit tired of everyone inadvertently trying to get to say i dont like something or i dont want to do something because they feel that way..its not fair to me because you know contrary to popular belief there are a few things i actually like doing..sure they can be as boring as anything but i still like them..so maybe thats one of the things i kinda need to learn or at least work on it..