ugh

can this week get any weirder..i want milk, i dont like milk b ut i want it..and this started today in the middle of my class..i was just sitting there minding my own business and i just start thinking about how much i want milk..forgetting i dont like drinking it in the first place..so i went and got some after class and of couse it was strawberry becasue im not a fan of plain white milk..but i think ill h ave to give in and drink some..because what i had today didnt help much because right now all i want to think about is getting milk and we dont have real milk and i dont drink soy milk..so it looks like ill be investing in organic milk again for a little while until this is under control..so logically i can assume i must be really low on calcuim or ssmething..why must i crave food i dont like ugh..

long day..but i did my presentation and actually got all dressed up..and made it through the presentation without to much stumbling over what i had to say..suffered through bio and actually passed the quiz today with higher than a 70..skipped policy..and killed my feet walking in boots all day..but im getting used to them..it took a lot longer this time to wear my feet out and now they are seriouslt hurting but its not to bad..ill just be wearing sneakers for a good long while..i dont think arran has ever seen me dressed up..i might shock her to death if i showed up dressed up..not in jeans and a sweatshirt lol..could be fun, maybe one day when ill be able to sit there without pulling at my shirt...went out to dinner tonight and learned that caramel apple, and chocolate martinis are really good..i actually went out and had less than two drinks! the veggie burger was good though and now im ready to go to bed but im chatting a little bit and looking up meanings of the milk thing

weird

after everything i wrote this morning i still went and half threw up..it was just not working this morning and so i stopped but then i was feeling weird for a long while..first because sometimes purging makes me really sick and because i didnt need to walk outside and be in the sun feeling that bad..its like being outside just made me want to go throw up and since i had to do thing on campus i was walking back and forth and started getting dizzy..and for a second really had to stop moving because i was really close to crying..and it was one of those you have so done this to yourself kinda crys..and the general crummy feeling and i wanted to go home and couldnt because i actually had to do woork today..so i did the logical thing and randomly dropped by teachers offices to stay busy and just my luck prof dunn was in her office..and we talked about school stuff for a little while and im going back on friday so she can help me with some homework stuff im been putting off..and then i went to dr bass's office and of course she was in too..after ive been looking for her for forever shes in her office today and we talked about my placement and shes really happy i got it to..and of course she would be the one to flat out ask about the cutting and she couldnt ask a yes or no question..no she wanted to know how often..given i pretty much avg once or twice a week and i told her as much but im still glad we couldnt talk long..since i wasnt feeling much like talking anyway..and then we run into dr miller on the way out and he asked me about the fin aid stuff whicch i still havent bothered trying to do or even finished deciding to do..and he keeps telling me they will help me with it..but i just dont know about htat...thinking about its like yes i could so use the money..im starting to worry a lot again about everything.. and im not doing my work and its like ok im not doing it but what the heck am i doing instead..and its nothing..literally i spend my days doing nothing..and yeet im still stressed eventhough i have the time to do all my work..i dont get it..yea im a bit more depressed than usual and maybe that has something to do with it..so anyway then i went and actually finished the project thing for tomorrow with kitta and im hoping it will go ok..i just want it to be over and done with now..im sick of looking at it...but we got it done and thats something..then i ended up going to a late lunch with yvonne and valerie and we played phase 10 for like an hour sitting in the resturant..then we went to the founders day party thing and got cupcakes and ballon thingys..i got a teddy bear on a stick and yvonne got a princess hat...but hers popped a little in like 10 mins..we ran into kenny and then made it home finally..spent the rest of the night watching tv and pigging out on pizza and talking to valerie since yvonne is at rehersal..but i think im going to bed soon..im tired..really really tired

stupid sun

is it just me or does the sun manage to get brighter every morning...maybe because it was so gray yesterday today is just an after affect and its not really that bright or maybe it should stop shining directly at my window..this is turning into a really depressing week..ive been trying to catch dr bass in her office for reasons i dont know yet, just want to see her i guess..and i told prof dunn yesterday that im seriously behind in all my worok and i am..working on the prject for tomorrow today with kitta and i have to do a couple things on campus before we meet and i dont need to hang out in bed all day even if it is what i want to do...and so i guess its good my new game hasnt gotten here yet becasue then i really wouldnt be doing any work...and i suck..and im a bit annoyed what i ddid yesterday and the nightbefore that arent hurting anymore..didnt really hurt to begin with...ive screwed up royally with eating and so yea i ate but without purging and no way i want to think about it makes it ok since it was pizza..i miss having the house to myself all the time..im just complaining a lot today..i forgot what i was thinking about this morning..something about being hyponotised could be fun in an incredibly creepy no idea what i would say kinda way..i think i would be really easy to hyponotise though and thats just creepy too..oh rant yesterday aboout being sick of everyone assuming ill do something or agree to something with out asking me..almost always ill say yes anyway but at least give me benefit of the doubt and ask anyway..maybe i should hide out in my room for a few days until i figure out the secret to disappear..maybe ill be doomed to suffer for eternity..and maybe im juts completely making things a lot worse right now than they need to be...but i sitll think the sun is stupid

nothing

i think it would have been a week and a half that i messed up by cutting last night..and so its like starting over tomorrow since i cant recount today...im supposed to be not eating today but that wont be working out since im feeling really sick right now..so ill stop being a dork and go get something to eat..everything is rreally starting to get to me..lots of work due that i havent finished..i keep trying to forget ill be going home next weekend..but a promise is a promise..and i think i slept wrong or something last night because im sore in the oddest places..

i would give anything for new blades

thoughtful content

now would be as good a time as any to just figure out a way to go away..but since im still half asleep from meds i didnt really need to take anyway and i dont feel like getting up just yet, all thats left is to write...not that i really have much to say..sleep is seriously becoming an issue..i sleep i swear i sleep and i wake up most days between 7 and 8 regardless of when i go to bed because saturday night i was up until after 2 and still woke up before 8..the problem is i want to sleep like all day..ive counted and i avg about 6 hours a night without taking anything..taking something i got around 9 hours last night..but i dont know why i want to sleep so much..i cant be awake less than 4 hours without wanting to take a nap..and when that goes away if it does then i know it will only go away for a few hours before im tired again..by 8 at night im completely ready to go to bed and if i actually did im almost sure i would sleep all night..and ive done that before..12 hours of sleep isnt the best thing ive ever done..i dont remember if it helped though..and napping during the day makes me not sleep at night..at first i thought it was the whole low iron part and i started taking the vitamins again..and since i didnt take them for a really long time im pretty sure my iron dropped alot and i dont know how fast it will build up again off of vitamins but ive only been taking them for a couple months now maybe..but now i think it might be worse than it was before..i just dont know why..i swear i sleep as in im not awake i dont think but when i do wake up its like i never went to sleep at all..im pretty sure i sleep now im not so sure what i do..maybe i never manage to get to the deep sleep stage part or something but i dont know..i was thinking about it last night and if i went to sleep everytime i got sleepy i would sleep away most of the day..id be up for less than 6 hours a day and that just doesnt make sense..maybe im not doing enough with my day or something...so i took something last night, to much of course but it will still put me to sleep and that i wanted..given it made me feel sick at the same time wasnt good though..i dont know sleep is stupid anyway and i dont see why it has to be so important..true ive never been a night person and when i want to go to sleep thats it i dont want to be bothered anymore, but im fine in the morning for a while so i dont get it..

funny thing i learned yesterday..leaving what i was feeling alone doesnt make them stay..because i was really mad yesterday more like bothered and annoyed but i think that fits in the mad catergory..and at first i was trying to make it stop and then i wrote and then i just stopped trying and put my energy into something else..and it was much later but eventually i realized i wasnt mad anymore..sad but not a big deal sad and that has stayed but its not to bad right now either..more like just feeling dejected about something i think..i read something about forgivness this morning and osmething about unhealthy interpersonal boundaries and the forgivness one made sense but reading it just makes it seem really easy and that annoys me because its not..then i thought its useless trying to forgive something i dont believe happened anyway..so acceptance still has to first anyway..still fighting the whole acceptance thing because i dont know..to many little ideas on it and i cant get to the main reason for it...everytime i wrote about it last week somewhere and got respones it all made sense but it still makes it seem to easy..maybe because it means i would have to let my guards down or something..in the last year my whole little protected world just started to fall apart and as much as i hate that it happened i guess it was time for it happen...unexpected but not the end of the world because i seriously ythink i started making another one..great now ive figured out i keep making safe places to the extreme and that would be what i call going away from awareness..i do it alot though..more than i should but i do like them better than the real world..now its like ok have them but know whats true and whats not at the same time..hiding in them and having them are two different things i think, and sense i have them for the purpose of escaping almost everything then they hinder more than help..even if i do prefer them to anything else...i hate to think that ill be stuck putting all of this together for the rest of my life however short it may be..i want to stop, i never wanted to know anything, forget i asked..but i guess that owuldnt work either..my head would find a way to make me rememeber and if i dont stop all the s/i stuff then im not forgetting anyway..just stopping for a while..i wonder if i stopped trying to stop all the emotions and stuff would i stop the s/i..i dont know i think it would make it worse..but if i used it to stop things then maybe it wouldnt make it worse..but i didnt cut yesterday when i wanted too..and im writing here because i dont want to cut..and now that im thinking about it again i want too..so ill finish what im doing now and go do something else like eat since its been a while and im starting to feel sick again..

ive been looking at the control thing i found online alot lately and the more i look at it the less it makes me mad or sad or anything..its just disappointing and hurts moreso because almost all of it is true..maybe i was just overly shocked when i found it the first time..its like rereading the toxic parents books..after the first time it gets easier..reading it still hurts but its not blinding denial either...now it just makes me think about everything, it scares me though..like one of these days ill actually know who i am and that im not a bad person..i think i live for the purpose of trying to make everyone see im horrible but no one believes me, not that i try incredibly hard to make it so..i just refuse to believe what they tell me instead..well im not sure now because i still really really want to believe mommy but funny only mommy can make me cry..i just dont like it..i dont like how much control she has over me and in a way i keep giving it to her..maybe i dont know any better or maybe i never saw it for what it was..maybe i didnt want to see it for what it was..

i dont know

i dont see how parents can not choose there kids over anyone else..i dont see why they do either especially if its a matter of safety of kids..it bothers a lot me that it happens..i watched bastard out of carolina again and its one of those movies that is made really really good but its one of those hard to actually like because it deals with child abuse...and ive seen it more than once..ive seen it enough to know the whole movie and still i just end up thinking the same thing..parents can really suck sometimes..and how in the world could anyone do that to a kid..the bad part being that it happens a lot and that sucks even more..now the fact that im alone just doesnt seem like its such a great idea..i cant even figure out where my head went...i feel so pissed off but i cant be that..more like i dont want to be that..and then i have to think about everything ive been hearing about the acceptance thing and its like ok then i know why im bothered i just dont know why i dont want it..if i let it staay it will wear off and ill just really really sad and i dont want that either...id rather just not feel anything..but for what its worth i guess ill try and if it doesnt kill me ill know its not so bad..maybe kinda sorta

saturday

today has been surprising..i foubd out that valerie was coming today for her spring bbreak not that i mind or anything at all..not like ill be around much i guess if i dont want to and then it wont really matter its not like shes my company and all the same i guess she will spend most of her time with yvonne...still it will be a little different not having the house to myself most of the day..guess i might actually have to do homeworkr and what not...so back today ended up going to see chronicles of narnia again and that was so cool since i had been trying to come up with a plan to see it while it was on campus all week..and i wasnt expecting to go and we end up going tonight which makes my fourth time seeing it and it comes out on dvd in a couple weeks and i cant wait..it is now one of my all time favorite movies and since ive seen it enough to know most of the words in it i was just going along watching the movie and thinking about how great it would be if narnia was a real place..i dont remember if i really like the books and i havent tried reading the books again but i know i wasnt a fan of the older movie..but this one i love and its so good..i dont have many problems iwth it at all..majorly cool...but talk about a great place to go when things are not great..i would love to go there if it was at all possible..but i know its not so oh well on that account..but still im so glad we got to go see it again..i dont even care that ive seen it four times..and then we went bowling aand i actually got the highest scoore the first game..that was the best ive bowled in forever not that i go bowling that often at all but still it was fun..came in second the next game but it was close...and then we went and played pool and that is one game ive never managed to get the hang off and since i was pretty much the worst of the three of us yvonne ended up pairing we me and we won but so not from my work..i got maybe 2 balls in and then managed to hit the white one completely off the table lol..now that takes talent! and came up and im still up and we played cards and i learned a new game and watching another movie but im going to bed soon since its like already 2 in the morning..still not thrilled about sleeping but bed it is..laundry and homework most likely tomorrow..but i got a sleeping bag today that was nice..i forgot of much ebay came in handy sometimes! but all the same i guess i finally got in some non depressing news..hmm its been a while wince ive managed to actually get my mind off of things for so long without doing something unsafeish to get there..something to think about

weeks over..kinda

the weeks over for me and that is good enough! im tired of this week and for some reason im back to being really tired really early..maybe im not sleeping as well as i think i am..roughly 6 hours a night but i cant get much more than that without taking something before hand..maybe i should go have another blood test..the same one ive been putting off for a long time..dont know though maybe it will go away again..i know i havent purged in at least a couple weeks and today i wanted to but talked myself out of it..i get random nosebleeds..hmm well getting them again, twice this week and its been forever since ive had one..maybe the weather is bothering me or im catching a cold or something..but minus the runny nose theres nothing else really wrong..maybe a headache but thats it..maybe i should take some sinus meds just incase..which means a trip to the drugstore..ive been trying out new recipes this week since i have to cook if i want to eat..eating to many nuts and things and ill have to work on that but otherwise its been ok..i actually ate broccoli more than once without throwing it up..and if nothing else i take the dorky vitamins like clockwork..dont know if there working or not..but im pretty sure im still managing to leave out a lot of vitamins and things from like everyday food..so vitamins it is if i dont want mommy to start telling me im gonna go into shock from not eating..stupid thing being ive been not eating for the last 5 or so years and before that i was throwing up..so its not like i dont know what im doing..anyway i actually managed not to cut today even if it was a crummy day and i wanted to but i didnt..made myself go to class which got cancelled and ended about school stuff and iwas ok enough to make it home in one piece..and then it was my usual stuff, waste time online, cooked watched a movie..and now im once again to tired to want to do anything but go to bed..not sleep but go to bed

empty would be good

i wont let up on thinkingabout acceptance..and its bothering me..well that and the small issue with forgetting thta bringing up dreams makes me not want to sleep, and them i have to think about everything that i associate it with..and thinking about all of it without trying to judge it or control just doesnt work..likke now i wont stop blaming myself..i want to say i cant stop but i guess if i wanted to i could..but saying i could just makes it seem easy when its not..like if i think about it long enough i can figure out a way to take the blame for all of it if i want it or not..same old thing i guess but now i just dont know..now it kinda seems wrong to try to take blame for something i didnt do moreso couldnt control..but i work so hard at breaking things arent and trying to change what happened..given then explaining it doesnt make since..but leaving it alone and just accepting it has never been an option until now..i keep wanting to think that you know this is supposed to be easy but i just go back and forth between not caring and just wanting to go away..semi suicidal but more into just hurting enough to remember im not dead yet...i thought about why i dont like the whole reality thing..because helpful or not the s/i is considered bad or wrong most likely both and then its like knowing its not good but doing it anyway..i should know this ive heard enough about deviant behavior..i know all about social norms and i know that off subject for a sec..being scared makes me want to cry..lately everything makes me want to cry...which is better crying or cutting..i would say cuttnig, which wouldnt hurt..neither..hmm back to my other train of thought..i know that i would be considered sick or something by ppl who have no clue as to why i do it..i guess they would be right htough..reasons for doing it aside i dont know..i keep wanting to tell myself its bad nad i need to stop and i havent yet..not even though i can tell someone not to do it and ways to stay busy so you might not have to do it..and i can ignore all of it..i know all of it, and ive done it at one point or another..but its like the rules dont count for me..not anymore..its gone far enough that i dont know if it can be stopped anymore..but more now than ever i can look at my arms and hate all the scars..hate myself for doing them..and they may fade some but a lot of them wont ever go away..i study my legs looking for new places to cut already knowing i dont like it..but i rarely take care of them these days..for the longest time i never believed anyone who told me take care, like they were juts saying it to say..and then one day it was just like oh you actually mean it, like seriously it matters what i do to myself..its still weird having ppl care and for me to even acknowledge it..its harder to completely ignore it..because the more something is bothering me the more i try hard to pull away from everyone because its better to not say anything so no one will worry..but its like maybe i do need them to worry because i cant or wont..cant goes with should..one of those things that just turned into a habit..things are going not well right now

fighting sleep...again

im tired, i know im tired and i was ready to go to bed like 20 mins ago before i got home and now i just dont want to sleep ...if it was possible to sleep without really sleeping then things might work a bit better..i keep forgetting i actualyl have work due that i still havent bothered starting..not great but ill get it done i guess...went to see brokeback mountain tonight with yvonne and im not sure what i think about it..after all the awards and reviews it was kinda disappointing actually seeing the movie...that and the movie messed up and a huge part from the middle went missing and it was hard to hear...ill just have to watch it again to really get what is going on..i know the basics but i dont like watching a movie short of it being in a different language and not being able to hear..the guy just wasnt talking loud at all and it was annoying..i was watching the movie and it was sad, the ending was...not that it was a bad movie or anything i just think i missed the finer points of it..so ill see it again when it comes out on dvd...i got phase 10 cards from renee as a belated xmas present and that was rally cool since i loved playing the game when she was here last summer..

and now im more awake than when i started..and now im back to being slighty afraid to sleep, and incredibly close to crying..my mistake for bringing up my dream even if i did want to know what it meant..and now that i kinda know i dont like it any more..my head hates me, no idea how i manage to come up with some of the stuff i come up with..and all of it has some point that im still not getting..earlier i really wanted to cut but didnt and after a while that went away a little but now its back..i want new ones..there is something about the acceptance thing that im still not getting..but i dont want to think about it anymore

reality bites

that has the be the shortest rant ive ever written and once i can feel my fingers and finish not being mean to myself i guess ill write more.

long day

tuesdays should just be taken off the calendar or something to make my life easier...classes were alright i guess and i went to them even though i didnt really want to..ended up with another 70 on a bio quiz not that im worried to much about it..im still stuck with a b in the class for now..health was pretty fun though, another good speaker and we got out of class early so that worked out for the best...and then a late night trip to the grocery store because well yvonne had to go and i juts went along and found something in needed. cant help that i love going to the grocery store for no good reason..and i talked about it on njad some and its kinda weird but ive settled on its an ed thing..going to the grocery store has no reason to be that appealing but it is..and im tired and going back and forth and i dont htink this will make any sense so ill go on ..hmmm i was in class this morning and not paying attention and ended up writing in my notebook because im not good yet at noticing without writing it down kinda..so it only took me like 30 mins to figure out i was sad and i didnt know what caused it and normally i would have started getting annoyed with myself i guess but today i didnt..i just kept asking myself why until i got an answer that wasnt i dont know..and then of course i wondered why i wasnt getting mad about the whole thing and it was pretty simple..it really is way to much work staying mad at myself..because once i get it started i can make it last almost without thinking about it..besides im sick of being sad all the time, its driving me crazier..so i dont know i guess its good that i didnt attack myself and its just i think its the first time in forever that ive not done it..when did i get so good at being a complete jerk to myself..not counting you cant escape yourself..good grief i try though..like if i try hard enough i can make up for everything else..no idea what exactly im making up for but once i figure it out im sure it will be a good reason..im sure it wont make sense either...lately with what i write i try hard not to write should and now that im actually trying it just seems harder than it has to be..i had should onto a lot of stuff and just stopping it in the middle of a thought means im not exactly making things bad..not really what im thiniking but i dont know how to word it yet..i think it was a blame thing though because if i say i should be doing something..no it was a guilt thing not blame..weird little light bulb gets to go off because i figured something out..and now i get to push everything on the floor so i can go to sleep..tomorrow i so have to get my paper finished so i can turn it in..i hope it snows..i hope i sleep..ive actually gone two days without bread and im not dead..maybe the world wont come to an end..my fingers hurt from picking at them..i will have to look into finding a better lotion that doesnt dry out my hands and make it easy to start picking..sounds gross even thinking ive managed to pull skin off but its more like hangnails gone wild or something..

weird night

i asked yvonne if she put yogurt on her ice cream like 20 mins after she asked why i had cherry yogurt in the first place...so not my fault she asked while i was half doing something else and half watching her get ice cream and i didnt catch on to things until a little while later and just randomly asked if she put yogurt on her ice cream..and after the crazy look she gave me..of course she told me no...and then i got a picture of my nonexistent penguin in the bathtub having a bubble bath with a shower cap...and i chased dusti and cooked dinner and its been all in all a i dont know day..rainy weather though..and maybe im just really tired or something..i got these relaxation cds from yvonnes mom and the sleep one really makes me want to go to sleep..ive been listening to it for an hour and it only took about 10 mins before i was starting to fall asleep but then there was the penguin and i woke up again..and now im going to bed

home

the only thing i keep thinking about today is that someone told me home is where your happy..i just keep wanting to compare home here in the apartment to home with mommy..and the differences are really obvious but i dont know..theres just something about it i havent figured out yet..like it really is one of the most basic things have ever been told but ive never heard it until now..and its just one of those things i needed to hear a long time ago and didnt...like i went home but i wasnt at home and now i am.. im happy to be back, im happy to have all my stuff here like i left it..even if i did have to clean up everything i left down because i was in such a rush leaving..now im taking a break because my head is hurting a little bit and im just sick of cleaning up for right now and im not worried about getting in trouble for stopping..bubt now that im not with mommy anymore i dont want to think about anything that happened while i was there..you know im thinking i need to stop associating going home with going to see mommy..anyway the weekend was ok,went to the movies with riley and harris and one of rileys friends...then suddenly i was like the only girl in the house not counting there mom because tyler came over ..and good grief 4 boys at once can be nerve racking..i dont know how sissy manages her 3 boys! harris ended up sleeping in my bed last night though because there werent enough to go around in the room they shared and its been a while since he has been there all night and he still sleeps incredibly close...i told them i would come back for the festival weekend in a couple weeks and i will just because i always take them and its fun..in a very long day im never having kids kinda way..

this is going to be a long week..i wasnt even back yet and already i was stressing about everything that i have to get done this week...everything is due now and i have to figure out some way to get my volunteer hours in..i have to finish my paper and start on another one.. i have to get my interview done and ill have to check the date but im all most positive i have therapy this week..funny im not completely dreading it since i finally have something to say..i have to registar and go talk to dr miller and im expecting an email from prof dunn soon to and some other things im prolly forgetting but i know ill have to do anyway..but we have more silly string again....still finding silly string from the last war and her mom got us more of it lol, yep it will be fun..

hmm only cut once at home even though i thought about it alot..but i picked a lot at old ones...ate ok i guess and took my vitamins and in a couple months hopefully i wont have to remind myself that its actually a good thing to keep taking them..im working on the whole should thing..i put should on a lot of things that dont need it and it turns it into something that makes it easier for me to get annoyed at myself when it most likely had nothing to do directly with me..the noticing thing just blows big time but i guess it will get easier once im more used to it.

empty

theres nothing left..i havent felt anything since after i wrote yesterday but i didnt cut either..instead i wrote here some but i wrote more on my computer and just saved it..im not sure what ill do with it but i do know ii dont want to keeep what i wrote..but i dont think it would be good to just throw it away either..ill think of some middle ground for it and i was thinking about where to take it this morning and i do know where it would be safe at its just a matter of if ill do it or not..yesterday was a bit more than my regular writing..i write a lot here and i dont know yet if ill put any of what i have on my comp here..mainly because it will be way to long..all the same now i dont really know what im supposed to be doing..im not suicidal anymore but if im not feeling anything i cant be so sure..maybe something has changed now..maybe i finally get what everyone is trying to tell me..i dont know

wonderings

now that im actually thinking about writing everything in my head just stopped..like i have nothing to say but i know i do i just have to remember what it is...ive been watching talk shows today and talk about random since i havent watched them for a long while because they have all gotten stupid and ive never gotten into dr phil but i watched him today because it was about overprotective parents and i was half listening to what was being said but now i dont really know if overprotective is the same as to controlling...i didnt get anything for the kid and here mom and i thought her mom was psycho but between the older lady and her mom i could understand what she was talking about..considering i would fall right inbetween the two sets of ppl on the show and i didnt pay much attention to what happened at the end of the show and now im watching oprah and i didnt plan on watching it..but then i was saw the preview thing and its about the new show on the a&e channel and ive never seen it but its called intervention and ive heard about the show from some of the boards i go to because there was a girl who cut on it and ive seen the convos about it but never seen the show..so anyway now im watching oprah and i really dont see what the big deal is about talk shows but im guessing they help in some way and its a great way to pass the time...all the same i dont like when s/i is called slicing, that seriously bothers me because it just sounds wrong..i can handle it being called everything else and i have heard everything else i think and i just stick to what they are but i dont go by i guess the whole act..it makes me think its not fair..i really wonder what ppl actually think about it..and not in a ok i want to help kind of way but in a more general way..i could prolly guess though..s/i isnt the easiest to understand, i can go back and forth between understanding it and now i know that looking at someone elses scars makes me so nervous and scared but now i want to cut too..different watching it on tv than just occasionally running across a picture that i dont have to look at online..its like back and forth showing them and its like i have to watch so ill know but i dont really want to see any of it..random thought good grief i really really hope mommy isnt watching this because then she will come home and start watching me again..well more than usual..not counting all the random checking and everything...anyway i keep telling myself to find something else to do...ii can develop a nervous twitch in less than ten mins...i need to go clean the kitchen but thats like setting myself up to fail..i keep trying to remember where i have any razors stuck ..i found one yesterday but its like not exactly safe to use..i actually thought about using it but i didnt want to yesterday...completely not good how things that happen as a kid manage to screw up a person as an adult..this show cant go fast enough for me and its as simple as turning the tv off...they call it an addiction..control scks..thats the overall thing ive decided today..is all of it really about control? i dnt know if it is then control sucks more than usual..and drifting away can be a great thing..i wonder how i learned to step out of awareness..

camping

i found out today im going camping for the summer aka im working at a summer camp for 300 a week! now im excited and have something to look forward to and maybe it wont be a sucky summer after all..but ill be busy as heck for like 2 months but it will be fun too..ive always wanted to go camping and now ill have plenty of time to figure out if ill even like camping..and camping with a bunch of kids!

thought for the week

"You can be accommodating without becoming a hotel!"


the highpoint of my weekend..beating the videogame with riley and harris...second highpoint watching mulan and the lion king with harris..third making henry sit through eight below with me last night..and ive decided that if i ever ever get a dog im so getting a husky..once i have like a house and a real job and everything ill so look into it...and then i spent the rest of the night trying to get the pictres of the dogs off of henrys phone and it wouldnt work ugh that being the only thing that makes me not like my phone! still the only thing making this not seem like a really long week is that im making some extra money for bills and things next month..of course soon ill have to start thinking of everything ill need to go back home with and that could take a couple days..dusti is fine henry took care of her for me while i worked this weekend and of course i come home and shes crying from under my bed and i swore henry had accidental locked her in a different room lol..but no she was just under my bed..its to freaking hot here..so im in the progess of thinking about looking for my old fan..i opened the window last night so dusti good entertain herself although i keep thinking she is going to manage to fall out or something even with the screen in the window..weird..i miss my computer and im glad nias is up and running but still i just miss mine..its not the same using someone elses when i know mine is just collecting dust next to my dresser..but if i hooked mine up it would take forever to get nias back working with the network and it always gets on her nerves..so i said i wouldnt hook my computer up and ill look at it like ok so i wont end up with 50 million new viruses when i leave...so ill catch up on all the movies i missed on regular 500million channels cable and all that fun stuff..geez i actually want to do homework im so bored right now

home

nothing to interesting right now..babysitting but im so tired..im just hoping riley and harris fall asleep fast, i know they are both tired too so im sure they will but i still ahve to stay half awake until there parents get home...kinda sucks we didnt get to go to the movies tonight but oh well..now it just means ill be working tomorrow too..

happy

i got my placement today :):) im going to be in the hospital working in pediatric rehabilitation!!! im so so excited and half the class is jealous of me lol..ive been listening to everyone complain about there placements and a lot of people are asking for theres to be changed already and i was just worried i wouldnt get one period! and now i end up with one of the best placements :) :) everyone wants to go to the hospital or a school to work and now im not worried anymore and im not giving up my placement either. now i have to set up the interview after break and i really really hope it works out and ill be able to accept the placement completely. and that so made my day and now im in a really good mood

flawed logic

after i decided i would die of boredom if i did what dusti does all day..good grief after a couple hours i wouldnt know what to do with myself..today was hmm quiet..didnt do my quiz yet and now im waiting for taly to come and get me for the dinner for jeffs birthday dinner..wondering what im going to eat though but oh well ill figure it out.. skip a few hours and now its almost midnight and not staying at the party long turned into a two hour event but it was still fun and i have missed them alot..and i went the night without drinking yay me..but i didnt have the money anyway and it was not a night for free drinks so it worked out..ill have to start going out a bit more..ive missed it and didnt catch on to that until tonight..so after spring break i will of course..tomorrow is going to not be great..some how i have to finish my quiz for practice before 2 and i have no idea what we have been doing in that class and if i didnt have to turn it in i wouldnt bother showing up...hmm so back to the point of this that i left off like 4 hours ago..first i have way to many ppl concerned about me and that makes me worry a bit, not that i would do anything but they dont have my point of view on everything and im pretty sure my explaining doesnt make things better so yea ill have to work on that or either scrape up some caring from somewhere..today was doc day and that is becomming somewhere i actually talk even if it does take forever but anyway talked about emotions again and im getting a little better at noticing them at least..still ignore them most of the time but i can seperate some of them..i still cant figure out what most of them are..maybe i should stop trying to be so specfic and just leave it at the broad catergories..cant say i wont get practice next week..tomorrow and the weekend and next week and the weekend after that..thinking about it makes me want to cry as usual and the harder i make myself forget about it somehow it always comes back..same old argument of why i make myself suffer and agree to go home when i already know what will happen..its always the same thing and not that i need the help being a complete jerk to myself i would prefer i didnt know i was going to get it anyway..it sucks i can make a list of everything i will hear as soon as i get in the car and that 2 hour drive back will just be long, really really really long..i dont even know where to start with cramming everything in tomorrow..i dont know if ill even manage to finish everything in time..debating staying in bio tomorrow..debating getting out of bed tomorrow..i was thinking about how i get some of logic for lots of stuff today and as i just walked along i figured out i dont make the slightest bit of sense when it comes to making all the cutting ok..like i dont care much for myself and not that i go and tell everyone that but anyway i dont and its like if i dont care then that makes what i do perfectly ok because then i deserve it for just sucking in general..the problem being that if that was true i wouldnt not like cutting in the first place and i would feel bad for doing it and i care what happened with any of it..but i care and so that doesnt work..i dont even know how i believed it in the first place and i dont know where i got it from either..even if i came up with the most off the wall answer for why i did it, it still wouldnt make sense in a helpful way..make myself sound crazy yes but not make anyone believe what i was saying...before i did believe it, i came up with it so i had to believe it or else i wouldnt have managed to think it up..not even mommy helped with that one and for the record i seriously hate being referred to in third person if im sitting right there..anyway right now none of it makes any sense anymore..i know i dont care what happens to me but that doesnt make all the s/i stuff ok..even if i want to believe and trust that it does it doesnt..darn it my safe little world is starting to fall apart..its just not ok anymore and i keep wanting it to go back to being ok and i dont think that will happen either...i looked up control stuff a little bit today while i of course wasnt doing homework and that is going to take a lot of work but if nothing else ill know it all by the time im done..but i did find some stuff and it was like charts out of a book and it wasnt the signs that said mommy was controlling or the signs that she still controls me that hurt..it was reading about how they affect a person that made me cry..its not even a 5 out of 10 thing..reading the list was like putting a neon sign on my head that said im just controlled by mommy and it has screwed me over..i wasnt expecting that..i wasnt even really looking for that but i found it all the same and now i dont know..its like some huge betrayal that i willing go back to, like somehow i can change it..ive been trying to change it for as long as i can remember and it hasnt worked yet..so why do i still think magically one day it will and then everything will be ok and ill figure out that you know maybe everything that has happened wont keep happening and safety wont be such an issue and i wont have to find new ways to hurt because nothing else will work..but that wont happen will it? of course not its just something ive managed to convince myself will happen eventually if i believe enough that it will..and when that didnt work i balmed it on not being good enough or not trying hard enough or just not wanting it bad enough..the blame still manages to fall on me, even though thinking about it realisticly it isnt my blame to take..i got it bbut thats just because i heard it enough and made it real..with mommy i dont seperate truth from lies..maybe i never even wanted to until all of it was questioned and now i try hard to remember what exactly i have done that has been my fault..not counting most of what i dont remember...the things i do remember that i think about all the time, the things that make me afraid to be alone or in the dark, like i have somehow made it all real enough that its hiding somewhere just waiting for me to stop so it can catch up..ive turned them into monsters, just things i have to stay away from or else ill die or something...
it hurts, all of it hurts and knowing why doesnt make me feel better..if i knew i could get away i would leave..not that i know of where i would go or what i would do..this isnt going to be a break and its not fair..that whole picture of control thing sucks royally right now..i want to cry but i cant, i want to say im not gonna go home but i cant, i want to cut but i cant..the more i think about it the more i just want to go and just cry and im almost positive that if that happened the world would end..the more i want to cry the more i dont want to be touched but i dont want to be alone either and i dont know how ive connected those two..hmm ill have to settle for my bear and try to sleep..empty is better than confused..

i got dehydrated again..its been a while but this week ive noticed it again..and ive been drinking i think..i thought i was but obviously not..im so thirsty right now but ive been drinking all night and it didnt help, just made it worse..now ill go to bed

lack of sleep

ever wonder what a cat really thinks about?? seriously they spend half there life sleeping somewhere..and since i was just sitting here watching dusti go between attacking my hand and stretching out using my comp as a butt rest and completely comfortable with it..one of those random nights when she makes her self known and got in my way until i petted her..maybe shes planning world domination or something an idea i got from fairly odd parents..bugs taking over the world could be interesting..ok random moment over and ill so stop thinking of what dusti thinks about and now i really want to know ..

hmm health midterm was tonight and im really not sure how i did on it..true/false is so not my thing..and then i went and marcela got me a happy meal and for some reason they do make me happy, maybe it was the toy and then i watched sky high and decided i really want superpowers yet again..xmen 3 comes out over the summer!! annnnd got invited to a birthday party tomorrow night and i said i would go and i guess i will..im gonna miss antm!! good grief ive waited all week for the new season to start..looks like ill have to figure out a way to tape it..no drinking tomorrow night either..well no getting drunk two very different things..besides i have classes and a lot of stuff to do thursday, and spending the day hungover just wouldnt be good..so ill be responsible tomorrow and most likely since its the middle of the week it will just be dinner. still could be fun..i wonder what ill wear..now being the time i get so annoyed at not paying more attention to what ive been eating..essh..i have to wake up before the sum tomorrow so i can go print some stuff off..if im going out tomorrow night that kinda means i have to finish my quiz stuff tomorrow during the day before i have to go take my walk around the hospital..ive decided that that place is way to big..and taking the scenic route with all the construction is kinda weird because then i have to find shortcuts and really only i can get lost in the hospital with colored signs on all the doors! but its not so bad and now i know that there is a way through the hospital but i still hope the construction stuff is finished..weird moment of the week..i ran into erik on monday and he asked if i was going to go to the next nami meeting because they missed me at the last one..dorky me didnt realize i would actually be missed but i did have plans..yea going to the movies was plans since you know it helped my emotional wellbeing or something..if i think about it hard enouhg i can come up with something..but still it was important..normally i do go but its kinda weird, i go but they dont exactly know why..yea sure i support the group and i really have no intention of sharing but i guess one day i might get around to saying why i actually go..hmm why do i go? its a small enough group that its ok and i can spend an hour out of the month listening to other ppl talk about stuff..i wasnt really expecting to run into him though and of course it would have been the one time im running late for another meeting..ok bed time i write to much

i hate this week

i decided today that i wont have time to finish my paper due thursday so ill have to turn it in late..again..i dont even have time to study for all my tests that managed to conviently to end up being this week..ok so i could have studied and i didnt so im just to good at being a slacker..some how ill manage of course..ended up doing my advising thing today and i didnt even know about it..talk about surprised..registration is after break..and then the semester is pretty much over. stuck on campus for the rest of the day since i couldnt go home thanks to advising stuff..tomorrow ill have to work on getting that take home quiz done so it will be ready for thursday so i cant get an extinction on that..another test i have to do thursday online that i didnt even know about until yesterday but then i should have realized it was time for another one in that class..and then home and hmmm not really looking forward to that and i dont think i was..not in a really great mood today and the weather sucks..i want it to just stay cold or stay hot..id prefer cold though frozen fingers and everything..

busy day

this morning i had my phone interview and it actually went really good..it didnt last long and that helped but i talked and answered the questions and he pretty much said i had the job but i he has to call my refrences and so ill find out sometime later this week if i got the job or not. now that i know its an actual possibilty it is kinda exciting and its something to look forward to..ive never been camping but ive always wanting to go and im pretty sure ill be a walking advertisment for the off spray stuff but oh well i will scratch the heck out of myself if i get bit in the middle of the wilderness...so ill just have to be really prepared..im not sure yet though of how long ill be leaving or staying or anything and of course i might not even get the job..but anyhoo did that this morning and then went and talked to my teacher and she asked about the fin aid stuff and all the usual stuff and gave me info on shame and guilt and its actually pretty good info still i think im learning the difference between the two..maybe i was just trying to mkae them be the same thing for some reason..easier to explain if i do that..but doing that just makes it harder to see what is making me think what..so more info for me..and i was thinking today that one day in the far far far future maybe i will write a book..not sure what it will be about though..maybe the weather..once again i was so cold my fingers went blue and that was after i froze eating a cup of ice..the weather is just refusing to give me snow..if its going to rain and freeze all day at least snow for a little while..and i went to my meeting and it was actually ok and really short so that helped since i didnt really want to go anyway..still once again im behind in all my work..how everything manages to be due at once ill never know but it sucks all the same..guess i better get to work and stop playing sims all day. so ill get to it tomorrow

Often the test of courage is not to die,but to live.
- Orestes

i really need to find other movies to watch..rent is a depressing movie and now im just getting nervous ..i like the movie and i know ill watch it and once again i thouhgt about how glad i was that i didint get caught up in drugs..and right after that i told myself that i was doing the same thing..regardless of if i was using drugs or not..being completely realistic here for a minute, i really am doing the same thing..so i dont need hundreds on drugs or have needle marks going up and down my arm or whatever else but in a nutshell you destroy your body and life on drugs...ok fine now if i really think about all the stuff i do and even if i dont really want to admit it yea im working on destroying my body..im not really sure if im destroying my life but i guess if i have someone threatening to put me in the hospital then life cant be that great..why i thought of that tonight i really dont know and i dont want to know but now im thinking about it and it wont go away..im
well im just me i guess..not sure yet if thats a good thing but oh well...but now im watching the oscars and its funny and ill rethink all of it later..

weekends over

i learned today that i must have ice or something in my blood..my hands are freezing and yvonne warmed them up for me in the middle of the street no less but still my hands are like frozen and shes uber warm..i think my body temp is just stays low for some reason and eating ice all the time doesnt help im sure..but after that my hands were fine and i warmed up but its going away again now..i didnt do anything i had planned on doing this weekend though..wasnt feeling up for doing anything so i watched cartoons and movies and played the sims until i thought my brain was going to fall out..colored a little bit today but not much..im watching rent again now because i want to hear the songs again and playing games and all that fun stuff. yvonne is sad though i think ill make her cookies since she has been wanting me to make some for her for a while..maybe i will do that..but she was asking me about relationship stuff today and not that i had tons of advice i listened and made her laugh at odd moments..i hope i made her feel a little bit better..we are doing a mardi gras thing tomorrow and that should be fun and if nothing else another excuse to take bunches of pictures..she got a new mask and i have one that mommy gave me from someone else..i juts call it my bird mask and yvonnes is a peacock..and dusti wants her mask so much because of the feathers lol..i had to move it out of her reach before it became a play toy..tomorrow is my phone interview for the camp thing and nia said it wold be easy but im starting to get a bit nervous about it now..and my teacher asked me to come by her office tomorrow and im not sure what she wants either..a meeting and dinner thing with yvonne..classes tuesdays..random stuff wed..classes thursday and then home for i dont know how long..im guesssing ill be staying all week until that sunday before classes start again..and im trying hard not to really think about it.. hmm my good news for the day i havent cut or anything since the burns..and i spent two days alone without b/p but that didnt last today since i went and trew up lunch..so im just trying to not be mad at myself about it..yellign at myself really does nothing except make me feel worse. so im working on it ataleast..and i did some of the emotion stuff im working on when im not listening in class and it is hard trying to pull up what stuff feels like, but then i just notice all of them kinda work around the same things..ill have to work on that some more though..otherwise dull weekend

hmmm

i can do this..its just a couple of days hanging out by myself..i like the quietness of it but to much quietness has been known to drive ppl insane..ive read the yellow wallpaper to many times for that little theory..so being by myself isnt that hard..its like remembering to lock the doors and close the windows and all that good stuff..if nothing else i wull be able to write what it feels like to be scared and more than just scared of the dark here..just me and dusti and the dust under the couch..maybe ill clean out my closet tomorrow..ive lost a couple shirts i can look for..or i could even do homework..most likely ill play games online until its no fun anymore..i saw oceans twelve tonignt and it was a stupid movie..i liked the first one better but at least now ive seen both of them..i think ill get sky high next since ive really been wanting to see that and i can take it home with me..and now so isnt a good time to think about going home..hmm ive been thinking about doing the low carb thing..and thinking about it is really entertaining because i dont eat great now but if i did that im not sure i would eat at all..i havent been forgetting my vitamins either..dont know how to tell if they are helping or not but im taking them..boring dayss

so..

someone told me i needed to do something fun for myself after my not so great weekend, sooo im going to the movies tonight! very cool im getting to see harry potter again, not so cool i have to go alone but not the end of the world either...but it so helps that its on campus otherwise i wouldnt have even considered going. ive been thinking about it all day for random bursts of excitment..i cant wait for the next book and movie to come out..both sometime in 07 and that seems like light years away..classes were ok minus practice..for some reason i just dont like the class and i really conisder not going every week..i dont know if its the teacher or the class but i just dont like it..bia was well bio and i didnt do great on the quiz today.stupid mistakes again..now im just waiting until its time to trek across campus for the movie..inadvertantly i was looking at some of my old old writings, poems and things and yea i learned i can be incredibily morbid but some are good i guess and some are just weird and some i have no earthly idea how i came up with them..its like i will write them with a disclaimer just to remind myself none of it was from exprience..otherwise yea i might be convinced i should be in a hospital or something but anyway..i think ive lost my whole zest for poetry or something..im only working on one right now but looking at the dates ive been working on it for like 8 months! i guess writing is one of those things you cant rush or something..i finally printed out all that stuff yvonne wrote for my benefit and reading them just makes me smile..prolly easier for me to understand than some random person since most of them have so turned into you had to be there to understand..still i think ill keep them, embarassing or not..maybe ill take them with me next time i have to see arran, if nothing else they will keep me from freaking out..ive also been getting a lot of questions from catrina about cutting and it gives me stuff to think about and question but she like everyone else still has the ultimate goal of getting me to stop hence somehow i figure out that it really is dangerous..and its not that i dont know i just dont bother to care about it most of the time. but still i consider it most of the time...like today when it was killer hot and i had on long sleeves because my arm isnt in order yet to get away with short sleeves yet..i have to wait for scars to finish fading out enough to be ok with them again..stupid me for cutting that low anyway..anyhoo movie time and i dont want to be sad before i go to the movie so ill finish tomorrow

awareness

today was s/i awareness day and i actually remembered..not that i did anything..hmm well i posted a couple places but that was about all..mostly i just stayed at home..i did clean up some and i played sims and checked some class stuff but mostly i just watched tv and played online..and now im watching one tree hill for the first time in my life but its about a school shooting..so it got my attention..its actually pretty interesting at least..