christmas eve

today is christmas eve and i dont think i care...i cant scrape up enough of anything right now to be happy about and all i want to do is get tomorrow and next week over with so i can leave again...i got a new bag yesterday and my boots came in and they are actually to big for my lower leeg and i cant walk in them either...im guessing by now i should have had more practice with walking in heels but i dont and so i look like im so wobbly on them...kinda funny if i really want to think about it but i guess once im used to them it iwll be ok...have to help cook tonight and tomorrow and my and nia finished all our shopping yesterday and i used a heck of a lot of money but its ok i guess i still have a little for chicago just to take with me..and well i wont give away my g ifts yet but i know most of them already...i got dusti a gift to but i opened it and set it up for her last night ..i dont think she really gets how to play with it but i hope she will considering its almost the same type of toy as me sticking a feather in the fan for her to play with..now that was entertaining..oh me and nia bought a family fued game for the house and played it last night with henry at well 1 in the morning..3 rounds and henry was playing by hisself and me and nia still lost two rounds! but it was a lot of fun and i think we will play again tonight when they get back...

lots of thoughts

thinking about it today i really cant believe christmas is this weekend..it feels nothing like christmas and ive been in a horrible mood and just not really looking forward to it at all...i found out today that in addition to going to chicago we are going to michigan and its bad enough having to be stuck in the car for that long just to go to chicago but going from one place to another in the car in the span of like 4 days is just a lot of sitting still...it gets annoying after a while and we are just taking the reg car and i just know ill end up sitting next to mommy and already im nervous and scareda bout it...never know what will happen in close spaces with mommy and its not like my wrist is up to being noticed much...im just glad it will be horribly cold there...which reminds me i need to find my boots and get them out...

today really hasnt been one of my better days and its all i can do not to go and cut and ive thought about it enough to explain away why i did it and the more i think about it the more i know ill do it before i wake up tomorrow..i just want to hurt in a way..no clear reason why just a random need to know ive done something im not supposed to do i think..still feeling horrible for thinking about it though..i dont know..beisdes being a major pig lately and thats stopping to if i have to convince myself of something stupid to do it...still i have been eating way to much and going home does suck in the aspect that i cant eat the way i normally do and its hard being home with all the junk food around when i dont even allow myself to buy it at school...sucks but ill get it under control again and without b/p..cant do that at home..actually just to big of a chance of getting caught at home and so i cant do it...which in itself is a big deal for me but to the avg person i guess it isnt..oh well iguess..i think im just throwing myself a pity party..and a one person pity party is just blah but good grief i can be really depressing when i want to be

ssdd

i hate my life

long day

today has been the longest day ever and i havent even done anything worth talking about...im watching the grinch again the old one and ive seen it like 4 times already this month and for some reason it doesnt get old...guess this is one of those cartoons that really doesnt get old and i watch it every year and ill prolly watch it ever single year just for the heck of it...but anyway annoyed yet again becasue the boots i want keep selling out before i can get them and that sucks royally because now im stuck with a pair that will be ok but im not sure will fit my leg and its so annoying but all the same since i need some for the trip ill be getting them tomorrow and will just see how it will work out..

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

hmmm

i could have finished my other post but thats ok..ill hmm no i wont finish it anytime soon...but anyway i found out yesterday that dee wants me to go with them to the bahamas and i cant go because i dont have a passport and wont be able to get one intime unless i learn something different when i go home but im not holding my breathe on it..yes it would be fun abd yes i would get paid but its not the end of the world either and i will be getting a passport now incase something else like this comes up good grief...

this semester is finally over completely...no more finals and my grades are all in and i can start christmas break...the normal person would be a bit happier about it than i am but i have nothing to look forward too..i found out i got all A's this semester and for 10 minutes i was really really happy about it..but now im just like ok why did i have to go and make all A's now of all times...it cant get any better than that and i guess ppl are just gonna expect i can get really good grades and ill never get a bad grade again..guess its just a lot to live up too :( just mixed feelings about the whole thing

freezing yet again

its majorly cold here today and for some reason my room just stays cold..no idea why and yvonne room stays warm..go figure...as much as i like being cold i would rather my room didnt have subzero weather in it..i told yvonne yesterday that if my room got any colder i could make it snow in here...prolly could too..hmm my own winter wonderland not a bad idea...hmmm not feeling good right now but i guess that would pass to if i would go eat and stop throwing up dinner...i was cleaning up downstairs for yvonne because allen is coming over and spending the night and well she is having company and i voluntered to help out and so i was cleaning and i got downstairs finished but now i have a really bad headache and i just want to go to bed for a while...walking around half dressed prolly isnt helping anything either and i should know better than to walk outside in a tshirt bad me...and eating ice isnt helping either..the colder it gets the more i want ice..odd combination considering im pretty sure being cold and eating ice at the same time doesnt do much to raise my body temp and then i just stay cold for longer periods of time...but now im expecting it to snow and soon! it so looks like snow weather and i really want it to snow before i leave and knowing my luck it wont snow at all infact it will prolly go back up in the 70s just to spite me..oh well and if i could predict the weather i would so make it snow for the heck of it and since it annoys me to no end that ppl swear justcas its nc we wont get snow..maybe ill put it on my christmas list...the last time i was at home with riley and harris and cameron and william we ended up talking about santa claus and i know that i dont believe in it and havent ****something came up..will finish later***

ugh....rant

ok so i got back my group grade and it pushes my final grade up to an 89..of all freaking things to get i have to be that darn close to getting an A and not getting one at the same time! i have no idea if Dr Bunch will give me an A or not and that sucks big time...i mean im really hoping she does but if not its not like i can hold it against her but good grief the whole thing just sucks majorly right now...i have one A so far and thats for a different class but two finals to go and then im done and then i dont know..home and christmas and a vacation all in three weeks...i dont really want to go home at all but not like i can get out of it either...but anyway it seems im back in therapy...i went today and it turned out ok i guess..i talked she listened and i like the other place better but they werent asking me for my thoughts on the matter anyway...something i realized well besides me being a dork and everything but the teachers and what not just assumed i would go back..for some reason i didnt doubt that they would trust me to tell the truth and when i got asked about it today i dont know why i didnt lie about all of it and just not go back if i didnt want too...weird i guess..maybe ill ask my advisor about it but it is kinda interesting to think about...considering i lie to mommy every other day but i wont lie to my teachers..and im not even really sure why not...i mean yea lying to my teachers would take a heck of a lot of work but i think if they ever found out i had lied that would lessen there view of me or something and i dont want that...so they get the truth and some of them are extradinarily patient in waiting for it because i can look at the wall for a good while before answering questions but yea now i want to know why they trust me..but anyway i learned today to that i can take the bus and go to my appts fine but its one heck of a walk through the hospital parking lots..good grief i thought i was walking for days and i had to go all the way around the hospital but crossing the street didnt kill me and depending on where i cross at i should be ok and manage to handle it...although thinking about it last night just completely stressed me out and i was worried but i had to do it and maybe that helped some..but i guess im going back..and at least i did tell her i wasnt sure i wanted to come back and that has its weird points but i guess she was ok with me telling her that...and of course now i have to make another treatment plan and i suck horribly at making them but geez i got homework so i guess ill just have more thinking to do.

tired

writing a lot lately b ut if i dont then my head will just explode or something...im tired but i know i was sleeping last night and at the same time it feels like i stayed up all night not sleeping...i guess i was just stuck somewhere between really sleeping and being half awake...all the same im up now and ready to go back to bed...ive been eating a heck of a lot of ice lately and im starting to think i need to go back and have my iron checked...lucky guess tells me its lower than it was the last time they checked and i havent really helped it much since i stopped taking the vitamins i was supposed to take months ago...ill go after christmas i guess and let them tell me the bad news but im not sure i want to go do that either because i dont want to have to take iron pills when i can barely remember to take anything else on time...blah one more thing ill have to worry about or i could just keep doing what im doing and sleep away most of the day...so anyway last night i was up not sleep talking to myself and trying to figure out what my head is trying to tell me...talk about cryptic messages good grief i could drive myself crazy trying to figure my head out...a lot of what i was thinking about anyway had to do with going back to therapy and realizing that i dont really what to go back...outside of just missing my doc i was never good at the talking thing and having to talk just makes me not want to bother with it...the other part knows ive reached my limit of figuring things out myself and i just kinda need someone elses thoughts on things to get any farther or at least get some sort of validation i guess...i thought about my notebooks to the latest one i have and i have a lot of different things in there and i know i have a lot of things in this one but im not sure i can just hand over my notebook right now...and since i know im horrible at getting things started i might just relent and let her have the link to this journal and try hard not to stress about it..within reason though and im pretty sure i wouldnt let her read the comments and what not but i havent decided yet if im gonna give her the link to it...when i told her i had an online she said i could give her the link but at the time i said no because it made me nervous but now i dont know..yea it still makes me nervous and feel really vulnerable which i dont like either but im sure somewhere in my head i know im gonna have to start making huge sacrifices one way or another before i manage to kill myself to put it bluntly...i guess i can be extremly good at getting thigns out in writing..and if she reads it then in someways that makes things a little easier for me but ill still have to explain a lot of it..maybe i just tire myself out constantly thinking up questions that dont have answers and trying to make things better without knowing what im doingg...except for some far off goal to die i dont really know what im doing..and i say that alot lately because its true but then i have to think about who i can go to that has the answers i want and i cant think of anyone...from my human behavior classes ive learned a theory that says ppl in therapy really do have all the answers they need to get 'better' they just need a little help finding them and understanding them and in some ways i completely agree with that but more in a general sort of way..having to apply it to myself makes me want to call the whole thing a bunch of bull and leave it alone but that wont work either because i actually like the theory...its just hard for me to believe i have the answers to fix myself and i havent done it yet..there are a lot of subjects that just thinking about them makes me want to shut down and forget i have to say anything...i swear its like having locked doors in my head that im not allowed to open..maybe i dont want to know everything but then having huge blanks doesnt make me feel better either...either way i dont come out winning...i think i would just end up hurting more and well yea ignoring things doesnt make them go away but that doesnt stop me from trying...admitting things just sucks royally really they do...once i admit anything it all becomes true and no one has bothered asking if i want to know the truth...i guess its assumed i want to since im in therapy and supposedly working and dealing iwth all of this stuff and i could swear up and down i havent worked on anything but i guess that counts as a lie too...there are things i dont realize until i have them explained to me more than once by arran..i would think she would get tired explaining the same things over and over because it would seem like i wasnt listening but i do listen i just get a little stuck hearing some things and forget or not believe it and it takes me forever to think about somethings and find a conclusion i can work with...some things i cant figure out at all no matter how many times shes tells me and i cant explain my reasoning for not being able to without seeming like i just dont want too...it makes me seem like a whinning kid and as much as i do yell at myself to grow up and deal with it i cant..it doesnt work..age is such a stupid thing ..i want to say leave me alone and let me be a kid but im not a kid...im supposed to be an adult and do adult things but i dont know how to be an adult at least not really...i can do all the regular stuff like paying bills and having a job if i bothered looking and all of that but there has to be more to being an adult than that? maybe i just dont want to be an adult, i would say i want to be five again but i cant really remember being five...its kinda hard not being able to recall being a kid at all...i know i had to have been one but its like one morning i just woke up and i wasnt a kid anymore...no matter how hard i think about it or try to make myself remember it seems like the farther away it gets from me...maybe soon ill forget completely and not be able to bring any of it back..who knows...i was thinking about depression last night and well it came up because i took this assesment online the other day from someplace and it said i had major depressive tendencies and that might be fine and dandy but i dont think thats really true...i might be depressed and everything but my level of functioning doesnt change that much..i still get out of bed and go to class becasue i have to..i might spend more time sleeping or just laying in bed when i dont have nothing to do but i dont spend days in bed doing nothing...and ive seem my dx and not that i would outright disagree with it..and i always forget which type of depression i have is called i think that one is right...as if that just made any sense at all..but its just more of an on going thing...it doesnt go away and sure i hide it extremely well but all the same i have a heck of a hard time remembering a time when i was really happy for longer than a few hours at a time....that just sucks too..i mean i had to have been happy at some point right? when i wasnt wishing for a million ways to die or something there had to be something that made me happy and stuck with me..and i cant think of anything that was longer than a day at a time..and thats pushing it because im not even sure it was a full day...my stupid happiness comes at the weirdest times and never ever stays long...maybe i am bipolar..but that wouldnt work either because i dont get manic..that could be fun but its not me...borderline ok fine but thats juts mostly for the cutting thing...i mean yea i fit the guidelines for it and if i thought about it anymore i would swear i could have written the definition but i dont know...maybe knowing im borderline gives me an excuse to do what i do..not that i use it like that because only a few ppl even know and its not like i blame it on that or anything...its just i know and thats enough...so now im just thinking i need to stop talking to myself before i go to sleep...but anyway i thought about cutting last night too not actually cutting because i had done that earlier but it was more of why wont i stop kinda thing....not even looking at the scars makes me really want to stop anymore and that worrys me...ive gotten way more dependent on it lately and its a step away from being a need, like eating or sleeping...and that would be bad, very very very bad...and me knowing that doesnt make me feel any better because given enough time i could find a way to explain it off and make it as ok as it could get...without letting myself end up in the hospital...its like walking that very very fine line between life and death without crossing over to either side..yes im alive and living but not because i want to be i dont think..its becausae i have to be..ive had a couple talks about suicide with arran and im pretty sure they werent directly related to me because if they had been i prolly would have been in and out of the hospital a dozen times but anyway...i never come right out and say it and all the times i could convince myself it would work i end up being very alone at the time...and as bad as that is and as bad as it can get i know i wont do it either...i was trying to think of reasons why last night and i got my usual one of not wanting harris to find out and know that i had done it but the past couple days when i think about it im coming up with a new answer...i dont want to die without knowing what real love feels like and i know why im thinking of it and it just sucks because i dont think ill ever find that out and im not talking the love i have for riley and harris or for my family thati actually like but for like someone my age who would know enough about me to know what i do and not tell me to go to hell..i really want to be upset with yvonne for getting a boyfriend and leaving me out because she is doing something that i know nothing about and i dont want to know anything about because i wouldnt be able to handle it but i want it all the same...i want what she has but i cant get that because i can barely tolerate myself on a good day much less have to tolerate someone else in a love kinda way...prolly a good thing i know that but that doesnt make me feel any better about things at all...and then that of course brings up the issue of me not even being able to decide which i like better...for all teh safety reasons i can think up i would rather everyone left me alone from a relationship stand point..but when i want to really think about it i know im not completely comfortable around guys...i just associate guys with being hurt and i really dont know where that comes from...just something i know i guess and leave it to me to get into a bad relationship and not be able to get out of it...just what i dont need someone else getting at me for who i am when i can do that prefectly fine by myself....i dont really care if im yelling at myself or something but it makes it different if someone else is doing it...guess thats one of those things i cant explain to anyone in a good way...i have so many background conversations in my head all the time..things i should say, things i shouldnt say, things that im not sure about saying and i have to go back and forth trying to decide what i can and cant say to keep myself out of trouble and its like most of the time its not like i would get in trouble anyway...its just gotten to the point of me looking for and then trying to avoid getting into trouble by talking and end up not saying anything no matter how much i want to...yes i can have a whole argument with myself without saying a word and lose..how in the heck can i lose an arguement with myself? its like im squaring off against myself and even then the odds arent good if i cant even win...sometimes it feels like ive broken up and the sides are just going at each other...saying i hate you really has no affect anymore its in my head so much...sometimes i dont know where the accusations i can come up with come from....like far off there is something going on that i either dont know about or ive forgotten about completely and i cant explain it...prolly wouldnt be the best time to bring up having voices in my head lol...but thats just kinda what it feels like at times..watching people argue with one side having way more ammo and way more ways to hurt the other side to get them to back down...doesnt make any sense i guess...but good grief its a huge battle being with arran and having her ask me things that i know the answers to but im just completely afraid to say anything...you know its not even her im worried about, its me and when i start thinking talking is off limits my levels of revenge i can come up with when i want to for doing something i dont want to do can get creative...making idle threats are my favortie though because i can just scare myself without having to do anything about it....i dont think i believe that anyone can protect me and i have to do it but protecting myself isnt working out so hot considering what it takes for to keep things undercontrol...im like a walking lie..yvonne could swear up and down that i dont have a problem in the world...everyone is surprised when i say im stressed and so i dont say it...i will be fine until i end up in the hospital and then everyone will know how so wrong they were about me...after the thing with my teachers and having to go to the meeting and talk to them and the contract i talked about breakdowns and crying with someone...because it had been on my mind and everything and even with all of that stuff happening i didnt cry once..at points there were times i just wanted to sitdown and cry and let someone else make things better but i didnt because it just seems wrong to cry or ask for help when the reason its all happening is my fault...its the same with cutting or burning or purging and its gotten to the point of really hurting and i just want to cry and go tell someone what ive done but i cant because its not like im sick or someone else hurt me...i did it and i knew what i was doing when i did it and that makes it my fault and im not allowed to cry about it...its against the rules, i just dont know whose rules they are...i know when i was younger and mommy told me once not to cry without having something to cry about and to stop being a baby crying all the time...i dont cry anymore without a very good reason...ive cried twice in the past 4 months..serious crying that gives me a headache afterwards and i completely hated it but cried all the same...the last time being when things didnt work out and i missed my stupid appt...if i cry then things have gotten beyond my control completely and im at a lost as to what im supposed to do...so yea crying isnt on my list of things i like doing at all...but to get back on track when we talked about breakdowns i dont know...yea i told him i dont want to be there when i do manage to breakdown bbecause i dont know what will happen..thats like a complete lose of control in everything and expecting someone else to fix things and make it better..really if i ever get to that point it would be a waste of time trying to bother fixing me...if it got to that point im pretty sure i could make suicide work...all the same i dont plan on breaking down..i can control my emotions pretty well so it would seem when i have too...but controlling them that much makes me almost forget i have them...and having to work on acknowledging them and all of that makes it hard to keep them away from me...the harder im pushed to notice them the harder i fight to forget them and its not like i arent there i just dont know what they are...i know the basic happy, sad, mad...but when im looking at a list of emotions and there are so many of them i dont know how to catergize them i dont know what most of them feel like anyway...i cant label them if i dont know what they are..

im tired of writing now..considering ive been at it for over an hour and a half..didnt mean on writing this much...didnt even mean to write half of this..just kinda happened..oh well for whoever gets stuck bothering to read it!

interesting day

i have a headache right now again and its really making me cranky but im trying to ignore it while i half watch another movie...i went out with catrina today and it has been a long time since ive seen her and it was fun...i got lunch and a movie for a christmas present from her and she didnt really like rent but thats ok...she just saw things differently than i did and i guess she looked at it in more of a religious view than i did but i still like it...i want to see brokeback mountain too and a bunch of others...wwe went to ruby tuesdays for lunch and they have a really good veggie burger...i was surprised i ate it..me the queen of not liking anything at that but it really was good if not a bit expensive...im glad i went out with her though..it was a good break from everything and i did miss her not that i told her that...but anyhoo it was a ok day...as much as i like watching rent the movie is downright depressing and once again i got really depressed because i dont know what love is and because i cant decide what i want out of love or even if i deserve love from anyone...its just weird and i suck and everything ..blah

realistic or not

this is mostly a post about food so ill spare anyone the trouble of having to read it and suffer through my rambles

so its been decided finally and accepted halfway that i have an ed if i want to admit or not...the fact that i b/p on purpose is evidence enough and even if i dont do it everyday does not make that go away...no matter how much i might want it to and talking to jenny helps me realize that...but well things are just getting weird i guess..i mean i eat and lately i have ppl questioning just what it is i am eating and its not like im starving most of the time...there are times like now when i dont eat for a reason and it might not be a good reason but it works all the same...so anyway after completely binging today and talking myself out of purging ive gone back to thinking seriously about not eating bread and cheese any more...and its not like i couldnt do it and stick to it given enough time its just thinking about that brings back into focus just how much i dont eat and how if i take out bread and cheese ill be eating next to nothing...and i dont have problem with that its just that i am trying to be halfway reasonable and it just doesnt make sense for me to do that and yet i really really want to jjust to see what will happen....i would say it would just leave really healthy stuff for me to eat but then i know vegetables arent high on my list of foods to eat and that pretty much leaves me to eating fruit and salad for the most part...sometimes other things but not much...and its not even a matter of hiding it since most of the time i eat alone...it sjust im trying not to fall into something i cant get out of....and now that im done being completely logical and thoughtful on it i know that ill do it anyway...i mean ill just do it enough that i dont have everyone swamping me with concern until i want it at least and i can say i know exactly what im doing..because ill just go home and get the speech about giving up bread anyway...but then ill just have to listen to mommy swear im starving and not getting the right vitamins and its like i just cant make anyone happy these days.... no matter what i do :( kinda sucks but i can fall back on old habits i guess...i can handle it better than people might think and its not that it bothers me i just i dont know..its not really about control and since i am trying hard lately not to start purging again ill go back to not really eating and see what happens...although i do like the feeling i get after purging...but thats is slightly dangerous and so ill try hard not to do it but not eating is a whole nother area i guess and its one or the other but i cant have both...if i had i choice i would pick a over m but im just better at the whole b/p thing...sometimes i swear dusti watches me and just gives me looks that tell me to stop what im doing and i cant...oh well

wow

this semester is over...completely...i only have two finals next week and then im going home again and christmas and new years...as much as i wanted the semester to be over and done with im still kinda sad about it...im gonna be seeing the same people next semester but still ill miss all of them..classes have been fun for the most part this time around because i did talk more...took almost till the end of the semester to get a little more comfortable at it but im a little better...trying to deal with everything else now and trying to find a ride to the doc next week somehow...ill figure that out eventually too i guess...but i guess ill get back to cleaning..well ill get back to starting to clean my room is a huge mess!

sigh

so i figure out today in the middle of a meeting with teacher that im completely jealous of everything that is going on with nia and that makes me feel horrible :( i shouldnt be jealous..i should be a million other things but not jealous...i dont get it...or maybe i do and i just dont want to own up to it i dont know but its weird and making me feel worse than i already feel...

not feeling good

im not feeling good at all right now....major headache and i took some meds to let me sleep and there went the afternoon...dont think it really helped any...im still so sleepy im ready to just fall over but i woke up to i dont know just be awake and since i woke up still feeling sick i took a shower to see if it would help any and it did for a few minutes but now that im sitting here again im back to feeling sick and headachy :( i was feeling guilty this morning for i dont know what and cleaned most of the house today..but them my headache got the better of me and i went to take a nap for a while...and now i feel bad that i didnt finish...i swear im getting crazy i mean cleaning today was like i was just waiting for my mom to walk in and completely go at it for me letting the house just get so unclean...and i know she cant just really drop in with me knowing it since its a 2 hour drive here anyway but i was just so positive i was going to get in trouble i just cleaned anyway 8o weird i guess

things have just been so off for me since the whole i suck and missed my appt bit...im not sure i want to call and make a new one...im not sure about anything right now except the huge desire to completely hurt and not care....i havent cut since yesterday and im trying hard not to but who knows...i just blame myself for all of it and there is so much going on and i dont know what to do...i was at one of my end of the year social things and a girl i knew was just standing there and starting rubbing my back and it felt so comforting and nice and i didnt want it to stop and that just made me want to cry:\...im feeling this need to be comforted and its not getting filled and ignoring it is making me feel worse outside of the general i think im coming down with a cold feeling...i hmm i just dont know..its not like its a i want a guy to comfort me feeling either cas just thinking about that makes me want to gag and move :p but just a more general i want my mommy feeling...the problem with that is i wont be getting that and it makes me just want to yell at myself for being such a baby and not able to handle things at all....things just suck right now...i cant decide if i want to go see one of my teachers on monday and then im not sure ill make it to monday and be completely safe...im not sure if i want to call the crisis hotline or just sleep away the weekend and hope i feel better next week...next week classes end for the semester too and i was supposed to be doing work for that this weekend and im not and i dont need any more stress to add on to things right now :|

i just need to get a grip

everything sucks

yvonne stayed home today and that was probably a good thing..... i missed my appt yesterday because my ride didnt show up...as much as i didnt want to go i did want to go and then i didnt and it was just way to much and so i cried for a little while and then cut a lot..i had cut earlier than that but yea..i wasnt nice to my wrist at all yesterday and now it hurts alot and im trying not to movie it much but having to cook didnt help that any....im supposed to call today and make a new appt and im not sure if i will...i dont think they will keep letting me make appts if i keep missing them :(...and i dont know ...im just really annoyed and upset and sad and not feeling to hopeful about anything anymore

anixety sucks

i think i forgot how to breathe when i woke up this morning....literally...im so nervous and on edge right now and i have just an hour to suffer through before my appt and im really thinking the worst and have been for most of the day and i know it wont be that bad but thats not helping me right now! i cant decided if i want to cry or cut and well i dont cry so its not like i have many options...i just need to calm down a little bit before i jump out of my skin! i was really glad prof dunn emailed me today..it really did make my day even if it was a short message and she was just saying hi it was still nice and i had been wanting to email her but i couldnt think of a reason to email so i just didnt and today she did and i got to email her back without seeming like i was in the way or something...i think ill bring my notebook with me just to have incase i do decide to hand it over...maybe ill give her the link to this i dont know yet...i cant think anymore right now im juts driving myself crazy