...

i hope i die a miserable death

dull day

its been a long day and ive done preetty much nothing except eat way to much the past few days and it sucks and im so fasting next week some how...dont know how yet since tuesday is a horrible day...as long as i stay out of the house its not so bad but i know if i stay home ill be bored enough to eat and then ill end up purging and im trying not to do that but i dont know...hmmm just lots to think about i guess

cold

im so cold right now...ive been cold since last night and just cant get warm to save my life...things are not going great i guess..or maybe i just dont know..my teachers keep asking for the reasons why i wont go back to see arran..and its not like ill tell them all the reasons..some im not even sure i know anyway but the ones i do know i dont really plan on sharing...im meeting both of them on monday and as much as i like them seperatly i dont want to deal with both of them at the same time..all of it is just making me really nervous and everything..im going home next weekend and im so glad its cold out because i can wear long sleeves again and hide what ive been doing to my arms...i almost thought i would have to go to the doc earlier this week but they got better and everything and im not worried anymore....yvonnes bf is coming again this week and i dont mind it just makes me think about how alone i am..not that i want a relationship or anything because thats just more than im willing to give at the moment its just that everyone sees fit to ask me a million times why i dont have a bf like its so very important and thats one of those things that i dont have an answer too..i mean its not like its anyones busy why i dont date or what ever and if i dont bring it up then obviously i dont want to talk about it but not like anyone listens to me anyway...to many questions lately that i cant answer..to many things i dont want to think about but i am and then there just stuck in my head because i dont talk and i have no plan to talk...im starting to wonder what will happen if i stay out of therapy and my teachers know...i could say im fine which i do but im not exactly sure they really believe me since they also ask if i still s.i and how often and i dont lie and i really could just to keep myself from feeling trapped and i dont...i can barely deal with the half truth and making up a lie and remembering it just takes to much time and effort..so ill go monday and figure out a way to once again not commit myself to agreeing to going to the doc because i cant..and im fine and im really starting to wish everyone would leave me alone until i manage to do something stupid.

morning now

i so never thought it would be staying up this late tonight...considering its 2 in the morning..im so glad i dont have early classes! anyhoo angie had another birthday dinner/party tonight and it was a lot of fun..hence i was at it for five hours..i only had a very small glass of wine and poured most of it down the drain because im not a fan of any type of wine and i have a really long day today and i might not like my classes but i know better than to show up hung over to them..that would be murder...ive been working on my classes for next semester and all my classes are still falling on tuesdays and thursdays..no way around it :S and i hate that so so so much and theres one class i really want to take and its another 3 hour class...i hate my schedule so much..i need to hurry up and get my license so i can get a job..im really starting to hate not having money..food suddenly isnt so important..considering i havent eaten real food today..just the muffin things i made earlier that ive been eating on all day..and at the party i ate fruit and chips and a cupcake and a piece of cake...still a bunch of cals though..but not as bad as it could have been...oh well im going to bed..tomorrow is a long day and i have work i havent finished yet

nothing to tell

last night was actually a lot of fun and everyone loved the cake i made...and i made it home in one piece but last night i was scared we would get pulled over..i really should stop letting them drive me home..but anyway the good news is i found out what my limit is with drinking..the bad news i dont know the exact number lol...i mean i drunk a heck of a lot last night and by 1:30 i was to the point of feeling really sick but i didnt throw up..i came home about 3ish i think and made something to eat and ate bread and drunk water but not enough since i sitll woke up sick this morning..still not feeling great and i just want to go to bed actually..not enough sleep or something and i still ahve to clean up the kitchen from dinner...and i dont know...yvonne is busy with her boyfriend and acting weird ..and that annoys me..and im trying not to b/p again but im planning on s/i as if that makes sense..things are just still off...i have to see both of my teachers next week and im not looking forward to that since they both now know that im not in therapy...lots of things to do..i have stuff do next week and i have barely started on it...

fun fun

i cme ou t and ate and drunk water and anow im going to bed its storming big time here an yummm even out of it i dont like the thunder at all non e nd i just really want to go to sleep an gohope im not sick in the montrning k

night out

it looks like im going out tonight...angie is having her party tonight and i was invited and im making the cake too...taly is coming to pick me up later this afternoon and i do have to go pick up a card for angie...i think i might be making a trip to the mall today! oh well ill figure it out...and i also know that if i go out with angie and taly ill be in my own little world before 12..i know ill be hating waking up on saturday morning but till that happens i dont think i care...its been forever since ive been out and drinking...not really since all the junk over the summer..havent really been feeling like going out much and when i do want to go out its just to drink anyway and i dont want it to turn into a problem ..but tonight will be fun and i really do just want to forget everything for a while and if it takes a heck of a lot of vodka ill be sure to wake up tomorrow in one piece at least...oh well im off to clean up a bit..

stupid..really stupid

its october..i want a christmas tree..im considering crying to get one too...now there are a lot of things wrong with that...its not even cold yet..kinda at night but thats all...christmas trees arent even out and i dont have the mooney to get one...and i dont cry and not over a tree...im being incredibly stupid right now..and being a baby and being bored and feeling lonely and alone..and wanting my doc back and just flat out driving myself crazy for the hell of it...








i made muffins..i ate way to many muffins..i suck

left out

yvonne has a new bf....im jealous...


i shouldnt be though..i mean shes happy and im really glad she is i mean i would be a horrible person if i wasnt happy for her...

im just weird i guess and stupidly confusing

not much to say

im back home now...the weekend went as planned i guess..nothing much to tell from that..saw riley and harris and that was fun, harris likes a series of unfortunate events and i let him borrow the movie until i go home again...not that i mind i know ill get it back ...kinda annoyed i wasnt able to get the two new movies i wanted..guess im back to waiting until after christmas again..ill make a list this time so i know the ones to keep a look out for...i have the apartment to myself though until tomorrow night im guessing...im enjoying the quiet..i think ill sleep in tomorrow..and then give my room a good cleaning..the puppy has pulled junk under my bed again and its best to clean up without the puppy here..kinda sick of cleaning this place though..im always cleaning,,just in a sad mood again..leg isnt hurting anymore though at least..i cut while i was at home...

class

of all the things to talk about in class today the topic just had to get on suicide...i wasnt thrilled aabout it at all and listening to someone else talk about it didnt help my mood any at all..

on a random note..i actually spoke in class voluntarly

sad

i keep thinking about everything i dont want to think about...i guess i would have figured out by now that trying not to think about stuff just makes me think about it more...something is just yelling at me to deal with it and grow up and then there is just something else that completely refuses to do that..i would rather just be a kid and keep lying to myself about ev erything...i could say i dont care any more and that would be half true because i dont but i also know im going home this weekend coming up..even if i was completely and utterly suicidal i wouldnt do anything...depending on how your looking at it that could be a good thing..could be a bad thing..all the same im not doing anything anyway..i wont get into what im thinking because im tired and i want to go to bed but since im waiting for something to come on im up for another couple hours at least..maybe not so ill just say another hour..i might not watch all im waiting to see...i keep wondering how much sense im making...i cant reallyy figure it out..just lots of thoughts and i dont want to write because then it just all becomes real..just like saying stuff...all of its a bunch of bs and a waste of time an d i really never should have started any of it and i wouldnt be where i am right now...if i start crying one more time ill scream..a pretend scream of course..i just wasnt expecting the whole no doc thing happening...and now its not like i can really talk about it..if i mention it to my teachers they wont be to thrilled about it..and its not like common convos center around losing a doc ... hard to understand without expriencing it...it really is like losing a really good friend...nevermind...i dont care

once again

i cant figure out my head...all these thoughts are going around in my head and not getting anywhere and im tired of thinking about all of it and about none of it at the same time...i cleaned the whole house today..guilt cleaning but i cleaned all the same...guilt cleaning is interesting since i dont allow myself to stop till its done..but i mean i really cleaned and it wasnt noticed...not that i was expecting a thank you since i live here but just a little acknowledgement would have been nice and made me feel less invisiible...im just feeling too sad and alone for my own good..same old same old..working on some old poems and what not..not a great idea wither but i have no one 'good' way of emptying my head...

just feel like writing

having a tired day...not feeling like doing anything and havent really done much today...watched maria full of grace and it was a good movie sad though...i like having netflix..kinda sad ill have to cancel but ill get it again eventually i guess...still weirded out about the whole doc thing...i dont know what i was thinking but im trying to go day by day i guess..and figure it all out as i go along...already s/i and b/p for the week so not feeling great but i dont know...i didnt go home at least since mommy went out of town to take care of some stuff dealing with her accident in ohio..not that i wanted to go but mainly because i knew the second she saw me she would start yelling at me about how much ive been picking at my face...i dont even know why i do it :( so i have another week to deal with it i guess and hopefully try to stop enough to let them all get better to some point...i made pancakes today though..found a nice easy veggie recipe for them and they came out pretty good i think...i made some baked donut things to that are ok but i know next time to not use nutmeg since im not a ffan of the stuff...im trying to think of something to have for dinner though..im trying not to purge again..hurt to much...its been raining all day today and i spent all day inside anyway...i swear i spend to much time alone and in the house..but i cant help that..to much going out makes me paranoid and then i dont have the extra money to spend anyway...no reason to go anywhere..will prolly finish cleaning up the house tomorrow...last night yvonne came in and gave this long speech about how great i am and its not that i dont believe her its just well no i dont believe her...not that i told her that or anything..i mean it was a nice speech and all but still i just do what i ahve to do..and if i get stuck always cleaning or something its no big deal i guess..ive been doing it for forever and washing dishes is no big deal...i just know that if i want it done and done right i have to do it...guess that goes with depending on myself for things..between me and yvonne i do clean up a whole lot more...and i hate cleaning unless im feeling guilty or something like i was last night...but oh well..tihngs are more likely to get done that way anyway...oh well off to cook i guess..and clean the kitchen from this morning

changes

you would think ordering a happy meal with no meat was against the law...yes i still like the happy meal toys and no i dont want the meat its really not as big a deal as ppl make it out to be :S it makes me feel weirder than normal and its just ok so i dont eat meat..who cares!

last night was hmmm not good at all..i figured out that im actually not going back to therapy for a while and ill have to figure things out on my own..and im really fine and all that great stuff..and i called and canceled my appt today so yea im offically on my own for a while..im still sad that i didnt get a chance to say goodbye..i dont know how long i will get away with not being in therapy but all the same i just cant go right now...it took forever to call in the first place and now im cancelling and i dont know how much it will take to get me to call again...i know all the emergency numbers and things but i dont call them either..ill just have to figure out a way to make sure i stay alive...hmmm so anyway last night sucked and i think more than likely im going home this weekend..i need to work and i really need the money thanks to mommy..and even then im barely managing to budget for food :S i cant figure any of this stuff out...

i think i failed all three of my tests today...but ill figure that out soon enough..if i did then ill just have to work a whole lot harder for the other assignments and things...im running for treasurer of salsa and im prolly gonna get it since im running against myself but still i had to give a speech and i wasnt to happy about that but i gave it and les and stef was there so it was ok, i got through it...have a break from class right now..three hour class and we have a test and the guy is being mean and making us stay for the second half of class :( i so want to just leave but i cant do that...so ill suffer through the next hour and a half...dont know how but ill sit there at least..

bad mood

im sick of the puppy...

i have three test tomorrow im not ready for..i have no idea how im getting to the doc on thursday..i have no idea about anyhting right now..i just want to go to bed..but i cant because i dont really want to sleep and im not taking the puppy in my room any more...this is like the 10 millionth time she had peed on my darn blanket

random thing of the day..les asked if i had lost weight and i of course said no but i guess eventually it will get more noticable but until then i dont have to agree with anything...yvonne ate most of my luna bars and its to expensive to buy another box again right now..so im out of my snack for a while..

not feeling much like writing though

hmmm

ever feel like no one really knows you??

thats what im thinking tonight...no one knows me..i dont even know me and i guess i cant expect anyone else to know me either