sleepy

i want to go back to bed because im tired but i just keep thinking there are other things i should be doing..it sucks i have three tests on tuesday...but i will try hard to start studying again today for them...ive spent way to much money recently and when i told yovnne i would starve for a month i dont think she believed me but i ment it...with mommy taking money from me and not giving it back on time i dont know how ill be paying anything once dec gets here...i cant give up my fin aid anymore because i wont be able to pay anything at all and mommy isnt on time with anything and i hate being late ... i know i should find a job but things are kinda limited without having a car...so money worries are seriously bothering me right now along with just about everything else..classes are just stressful by themselves and the sw dept has got to do something to stop the 3hour classes all on the same day..tuesdays are the worse day of the week and it takes the rest of the week to even get my head back after suffering through policy...but anyway class is class and i hate tests and i really dont study well...fall break is soon though and i know ill be going home for part of it..hopefully just until sunday though..i dont want to waste all my break at home...and i dont know if im bringing dusti or not...i dont know how im getting home either..mommy keeps talking about the bus and i hate riding buses there is no need to waste that much money and i dont know..a bus home would be a 6 hour ride and its less than 2 to drive it..i would rather stay here anyway but oh well for what i want..besides i told harris i would come home to see him soon...ive stopped b/p again so maybe thats my good news of the day...and i joined netflix kinda..got a free trial from a friend and i absolutley love netflix now lol..thats an extra $10 gone every month but seriously food is so not high on the importance list of things ... considering yvonne really wouldnt let me starve but then i so rarely see her and we hardly ever eat together anymore she wouldnt figure anything out for a while...but anyhoo i have food for now anyway...dusti is feeling a lot better and her little scar is almost healed and her hair growing back...i got a new pair of jeans the other day and i really like them...today is cleaning day i guess kinda...i refuse to by dishwasher junk when i can wash the dishes better..and its not like i have anything better to do...just hard cleaning everything up and then yvonne comes and destroys the kitchen and leaves it like im supposed to clean it up...i could leave it all there but then it would just annoy me seriously and i would end up cleaning it all up anyway...my moods are seriously off lately...im just getting paranoid about everything...i spend way to much time by myself and at home and now i dont really want to go anywhere...i think i will end up calling a cab on thursday for the doc appt but i dont know..im afraid to take the bus and have to cross the huge intersection..but i havent decided yet...i could call and cancel but eventually i would have to call back and still worry about how to get there...its times like these that not having a car kinda sucks..ok not having a license either

stupid school stuff

so i finished my paper for the most part...20 dumb pages and im not really sure what to think about it...im just glad its almost done and i can turn it in and not have to think about it anymore...but then i keep thinking she will show my paper to someone else and then i dont know...i didnt give to much info in my paper but ive learned the social work teachers can read between the lines really really well! so im not sure..i tried hard not to over share but i dont know ... its stressing me out..all of it..mommy wants me to come home to watch henry in a couple weekends and i just dont like taking the bus at all...i mean geez a two hour ride really doesnt need to turn into a 6 hour one for the sake of just going home...i dont want to go my wrist is not exactly in a good place and the unexplainable scars showing up on my stomach are just stupid ...ive done a lot of things i shouldnt have lately...b/p is really making my throat hurt..not that i have a lot of stuff in the house to even eat but its getting really hard to eat half normal again...

hair and whatnot

i did my hair today and ended up cutting it..well trimming it a little bit and its shorter and its noticable and i think it turned out pretty good for me to have just cutting it for the sake of cutting it..and i didnt even have a clear look at the back of my head but i got a pretty even cut...same old way i always wear it and everything...i just keep thinking that when my mom sees it she is gonna freak and then i have to remember that its my hair and she cant do anything about it and then i think that she can...but its cut now and its not growing back anytime soon...soooo

@

it hurts

everything

to say things are bordering on being out of control with very good control is putting it micely and since im the only one who prolly can figure out what i mean its ok...i completely failed my quiz today in cj and that sucks and a lot of those i should have known..right now my head is really hurting and im going to take a nap soon...

yesterday was my birthday and it was jsut another day..yvonne got my a calendar i absolutely love and i got money and plenty of happy birthday wishes and thats about all..im going out for dinner today with catrina though...tried really hard to make yesterday and okay day and i guess i pulled it off partially if you dont count the s/i and the b/p...

and i found out yestrday that i really have no choice except to go back to aaran not that i dont want to i just dont like new places and i dont like therapy and putting them together at the same time just isnt the best idea...ive never gone to a first appt alone weird enough because most of the time its someone who wants to help and takes me pretty much because i wouldnt go otherwise...and this time its just left up to me...hmm part of my head is juts yelling at me to grow up and the other part is reminding me that ill most likely get hit my a car crossing the street...but anyway i really can understand the campus docs take on things and i have been with arran for a really long time..and its not that i hadnt planned on going back i just umm hadnt planned on going back anytime soon...except now ive done more 'bad' things than i can process safely and figured if i didnt call i would just end up in a whole lot of trouble very very soon...so i called today and got an appt and i have no idea how i will be getting there but ill figure that out soon enough i guess :S im going to lay down though

nothing

Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything ok, turn my problems into bone, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust.

the usual junk

as usual im doing nothing and bored out of my mind...but feeling a little better than i was last night but still bordering on being depressed seriously and its only been a few days since i got over the last stupid deprssion bit..so anyway my head is somewhere i dont even want to be...its starting to suck being in the house so much but i guess i would rather be here than wandering aimlessly around campus...roxy is taking my to get dusti fixed on monday and im worrying about that some..since its pretty much an all day thing and i wont be able to pick her up until that evening..i hope nothing goes wrong...guess my high point would be i didnt s/i last night even though i looked at my wrist for like an hour and couldnt decide what i wanted to do..maybe not good but not bad either :/

song for someday

"No One"
aly and aj

I am moving through the crowd
Trying to find myself
Feel like a guitar that's never played
Will someone strum away?

[Chorus]
And I ask myself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
and I tell myself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

You are moving through the crowd
Trying to find yourself
Feel like a doll left on a shelf
Will someone take you down?

[Chorus]
And you ask yourself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
Gotta tell yourself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to erase it all
You wonder what it's like to not feel worthless
So open all the blinds and turn those curtains

No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

When you're moving through the crowd...

wind and rain

i hate hurricanes

another dull monday

the more i sit here the more i can think of a billion and one things i should be doing that i havent even started..and have no real intention of starting...im such a major slacker and i deserve to be shot..hmm ok maybe not shot but tortured or something along those lines! to much free time bores me but i dont want to do anything...and im already majorly behind in my reading and everything else...and doc tomorrow and stressing over it and im boring myself so im going to find something for dinner

sat night

its saturday night im at home..not that i really mind because im way to tired to last going anywhere else...but all the same it is a bit sad sitting at home..alone lol..i have to clean up the huge mess i left in the kitchen from my experimental dinner that turned out pretty decent..im watching chitty chitty bang bang and fighting sleep so hard..its just 9:30 and im ready to sleep forever..i dont really want the puppy to sleep in my bed tonight..not that i mind its just she isnt mine and well thats pretty much all..cleaning up the kitchen should take some extra time up so im not going to bed so early..but still once im dont i think i will go to sleep..i think my iron is screwing up again..my fault though because i went home and stopped taking my vits like i was supposed to because i just kinda stopped caring and havent gotten back into it again...some time soon ill have to start the countdown to my birthday..i think yvonne is going home next weekend though..i dont know if the puppy will be left here or not and i really hope not..oh well im rambling..im off

random

today while i was in the computer lab and i was typing some guy sitting next to me was like wow i should pay you to type my term papers lol...ive gotten better at typing without looking and i can pretty fast when im just pulling stuff outta my head to write but it was funny...im back to not feeling good and i didnt go anywhere with catrina and i feel kinda bad for that because i knew she wanted me to go but i wasnt up for it and if i had gone i would have fallen asleep once i got there..so im at home and going to bed very soon..i must be sleep deprived or something the way im sleeping lately...cleaned the house from top to bottom today..not counting my room..ill do that tomorrow and laundry sometime this week... i really will start my homework tomorrow too...yvonne will be gone for most of the day so ill be able to get online as much as i like and of course put off doing my work..ill have to cook some real food tomorrow...im pretty sure popcorn and granola dont count as a well balanced meal!

more days

right now im in the comp lab and have been for like onnly an hour and a half and already my hands are so cold i can barely feel them! anyway its friday and im sick again and just wanting to lay in bed all day and do absolutly nothing...im feeling better than i was yesterday and hanging out with yvonne last night did lift my mood some...i hadnt seen her in a couple days because of our schedules being so different..its been a depressing week over all and it finally just got to the point of where it was call the counseling place or drive myself in sane because i was just sitting in class trying not to cry for no real reason..just all of a sudden i really wanted to cry and couldnt explain why..so i have an appt for this coming up tuesday and ill see how it goes...ive been eating ok i guess and sleeping lots..playing online alot to but ill try to catch up on homework and things this weekend..catrina asked me to go do some stuff with her but i dont think ill go..i dont want to be around to many ppl right now and going with her would mean i would have to and im not up for it really...but i dont know since i havent really seen her in like forever...so knows maybe ill decide to go but im not counting on it at all...dusti is fine mostly going into heat again so im going to get her fixed next week im hoping..i have to call around and find out some prices but roxy said she would take me and im just waiting to find out what her schedule is like next week since ihave a ton of free time and nothing to do...except on tuesday and thinking about tuesday just makes me really worried and nervous since i have all my classes and a therapy appt all on the same day and i have no idea how in the world ill make it through all of that on the same day..being in class till 8 was more than enough to tire me out and therapy just makes me tired period...but i said i would and i pretty much dont have a choice since i have to let my teacher know what i did anyway and ill drop into her office sometime next week when i have some free time because next thursday my two week limit is up anyway and she will be looking for me...i have to start working on my family project this weekend because if i dont i will keep putting it off and then i will be rushing to finish it and i dont plan on working on it all the week of my birthday...i dont even know what im doing for my birthday...dr bass wants to take me to lunch and i said i would go but still im hoping she will forget about it but i doubt she will dr bass doesnt really forget things and its really weird i mean she remmembered osmething i said three years ago and told me so last semester when i was back in her class..it was really freaky i cant even remember stuff from that long ago much less what i told her in class...so anyway i dont think she will forget and im not gonna make it to easy for her to find me to remind me...ive been majorly selfish lately and it sucks..all ive been doing is thinking of myself and not much else and i really didnt mean to because i hate when im called selfish and i try hard not to be but i guess i am...i went and saw sisterhood of the traveling pants and the movie was good but it just depressed the heck out of me..i mean here i am with pretty much my whole life ahead of me and im doing everything possible to end it as soon as i can get away with it and i guess in a way its not fair but it becomes an obbesion at times and i really dont mean it to be because im not gonna end up killing myself anytime soon no matter how much i might want to..and there are like tons of ppl who are worse off than i am and all i do is think about myself and that is really mean of me...but i dont know...im just feeling really off lately

sigh

...i have to call the place on campus

just...

today was just like any other day...i was bored out of my mind for most of my day...all i did was eat all day and that sucked but i cant do what i did last week be cause it just got to the point where i was feeling sick from not eating and being in class all day tues was horrible..im not looking forward to tomorrow at all..im not looking forward to anything right now...im watching this movie called speak on lifetime and i read the book last semester while i worked in the library and it was a really good book, major trigger but still a good book so im just testing the movie against the book..i might like it..most likely i will since i like most movies...i bought two new movies today lemony snickett and hotel rwanda both movies i like and wanted to buy eventually..mommy will be mad at me when she finds out what i did but for now im trying not to worry about it...my cell phone is dead..i cant get it to charge i cant get it to turn on i cant get it to break..i dont want a stupid phone anyway and now i have to waste money on a new one...so im half looking for a cheap one it doesnt matter as long as it works...all the same im really starting to hate money..i hate that my birthday is so close and no one bothers believing me when i say ive cancelled it...no one ever believes me..i guess you cant cancel a birthday..when i started writting this my mood was ok but now im not so sure

draining day...

today was a really long day in an odd sense kinda...dragging myself out of bed took a couple hours and i seriously considered not going to class but im glad i did because we had a pop quiz today and i got 11 out of 15 right but she said she is just using it as an attendence thing...i havent been taking my sinus meds like i should have been and im still sick and that just makes me tired period...and i went to talk to my teacher and an hour can seem like a lifetime and talking about the things we talked about is just tiring and draining all by themselves...and she pretty much told me i need to get back in therapy and that i have a couple weeks to either call my doc or go to the place on campus...given i knew she would do that and in a way i guess i needed her to do that to make me even begin to do anything...i might have considered going to the place on campus but i never would have gotten around to making the call but know someone knows im not in therapy and ill figure out a way to talk myself into calling somewhere before my time is up...and im pretty sure i wont be calling arran just because shes at the new place and i dont want to go to the new place yet and the whole new thing just bothers me...im leaning more towards going to the place on campus for a little while or at least seeing if i can go to the place on campus again...and its majorly hot here and im not eating like i should be and definitly not drinking as much as i should be and wandering all over campus isnt fun because i always feel so foggy like i want to pass out just for the sake of resting...and laundry calls so ill finish this some other time...