supposed to feel

im supposed to feel but no one said what im supposed to feel...i dont know how to label everything...i spent most of last night completely afraid to go to sleep because i was afraid of what i might dream...i really am so afraid of what goes on in my head...im surprised i make through everyday life without anyone figuring out im completely out of it...im afraid one of these days ill end up breaking down and then everyone will know im not ok..everyone will start asking if im ok..i wouldnt be able to hide anything anymore...it my doc knew how much i was cutting again she would be so disappointed...whenever i make it back in to see her and she asks she will be disappointed...i dont know...i cut this morning and i know im going home and its just like if mommy if catches a glimpse of my wrist i might as well go ahead and kill myself...she will threaten to pull me out of school again...and thats the worst possible thing that could happen..i dont have anyone to talk to about the actual s/i stuff...my teachers work for leveling out my head but i cant tell them everything because they are still my teachers...im afraid i really will have to go to the place on campus for the time being just because i really need someone to talk to just to talk and that worries me because it means ive really reached my limit of what i can safely handle...the calmness of the day is wearing off and im just back to being nervous and scared and im worried mommy will see and stick me in hospital and make me stay home and everyone will hate me ! its all i can do not to just start crying right now...i have some safety in knowing that my teacher will help me with the family paper that i have to do but i still have to write it and that worries me big time...why do i have to keep pulling stuff on my family up...its like im being forced to remember and i dont want to remember and i keep having to do them and its so hard and everytime i consider just making up some new family for myself but i never do and i tell most of the truth and just leave some things out..but social work teachers arent stupid and they are really good at reading between the lines and im just worried i will end up saying something i dont want my teacher to know...i dont want it to get around the social work dept that im a cutter..i dont want special treatment..i dont want ppl worried i cant handle the work..even if i cant...if my teachers didnt know about the s/i i wouldnt know who to talk to about it and i would be safer in a sense but talking to my teacher today helped and i know that and it was so hard emailing her and asking to talk..but im really trying

freaking out

i need to talk to someone and i cant email my teacher because the emails keep getting sent back to me and i keep trying and its not working and im worried and completely stressing out and trying hard to find someone to talk to before i start cutting again ...today wasnt a good day and im just trying not to cry

i was right

i was right it was my sinuses ..so im taking meds for it and feeling a little bit better...spent the weekend sleeping at odd hours and actually sleeping through the night...now i have my new comp and it is really so cool and i like it tons even if it is a dell..i have to sign up for wireless so im not using yvonnes name all the time and both of us cant be signed into her name ..so ill figure that out today i guess...im going home for labor day weekend but just for a day and a half lol..i have to go back for driving class and since nia has classes monday i will only be gone until sunday..not bad i guess so im trying not to complain....hoping mywrist isnt looking so bad by friday though..i have to do laundry sometime this week to...and i went to the pool yesterday with yvonne and alexis and i really hadnt planned on getting in but i did wear a bathing suit with a tshirt and shorts but because i was in shorts this time it wasnt as much fun because of my scars and i was trying to be really careful and not let my legs show to much...but i ended up in the pool anyway for a little while but i didnt swim or anything..just stayed as close to the wall as i could and i let yvonne see my bathing suit because she didnt think i even owned one! and i have like 5 i just dont bother wearing them because its not fun for me to go to the pool anymore...but anyway i have to start doing my reading for this week for my criminal justice class and get ready for my really long day tomorrow...and hope im feeling good enough to make it through both of my 3 hour classes tomorrow night :S im suddenly really glad i dont have monday classes im not sure i could have made it.

yay me

i got my new comp...im back online :)

not my day

im not feeling good at all...im guessing its just sinuses or something and i will feel better soon and maybe it isnt and i have a cold .. i dont know i just feel majorly crappy and annoyed...being sick makes me really short tempered and i try not to say to much so i dont bother anyone but its ok since yvonne isnt here anyway....im watching pay it forward and im trying not to fall asleep so i can see the end of it...im getting my computer tomorrow and im hoping it will work with the wireless until i can get dsl hooked up...i dont want to spend a ton of money on dsl hookup either but i dont know...not feeling much like writing either...i just want to sleep i was back and forth all night..because ming was in my room since yvonne went out and dusti kept wanting to be petted..and yvonne was back and forth when she came home looking for ming but ming was under the covers and so she couldnt find her..and i would have let ming stay in my room but she started barking out the window and i wasnt listening to that all night so i went and put her back in yvonnes room...i started reading one of the mindfulness books and it is pretty good and an easy read and it does make sense i guess...pretty soon i wont be able to run away from my head...scary thought

hope this works lol

[Marital Status]	single
[Shoe size]	wouldnt you like to know
[Parents still together]	no..well i dont know
[Siblings]	8 or 9 but whos counting
[Pets]	one cat....named Dusti
FAVORITES
[Color]	purple
[Number]	21
[Animal]	cat any kind from the family..but i like most animals
[Drinks]	vodka & pineapple rum
[Soda]	diet anything really
[Book]
DO YOU
[Color your hair?]	no
[Have tattoos?]	no..im getting one for my birthday
[Have Piercings?]	just ears
[Cheat on tests/homework?]	no
[Drink/Smoke?]	yes/smoking kills
[Like roller coasters?]	yep
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]	yep..im moving to alaska eventually
[Want more piercings?]	not really
[Like cleaning?]	only when i need to think
[Write in cursive or print?]	print
[Own a web cam?]	no
[Know how to drive?]	kinda lol
[Own a cell phone?]	yea..dont need one
[Ever get off the damn computer?]	NEVER!!!
HAVE U EVER
[Been in a fist fight?]	once
[Considered a life of crime?]	no
[Lied to someone?]	yea
[Been in love?]	no
[Made out with JUST a friend?]	no
[Been in lust?]	yea
[Used someone]	no
[Been used?]	yea
[Been cheated on?]	no
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]	no
[Stolen anything?]	hmmm when i was younger
[Held a gun]	no
CURRENTS
[Current clothing]	yellow blouse..blue jeans
[Current mood]	alright
[Current taste]	nothing
[What you currently smell like]	sweet temptation
[Current hair]	same way i always wear it
[Current thing I ought to be doing]	cleaning
[Current cd in stereo]	mixed
[Last book you read]	junie b jones...i was babysitting
[Last movie you saw]	monster in law
[Last thing you ate]	caramel javalance..enough cals to be a meal
[Last person you talked to on the phone]	mommy
[Do drugs?]	no
[Believe there is life on other planets?]	sure why not
Remember your first love?]	yes
[Still love him/her?]	no
[Read the newspaper?]	sometimes
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]	yes
[Believe in miracles?]	yes
[Do well in school?]	when it counts
[Wear hats]	no
[Hate yourself?]
[Have an obsession?]	yes a few
[Collect anything?]	yes
[Have a best friend?]	no
[Close friends?]	not really ...more like associates
[Like your handwriting?]	no
[Care about looks]	depends on my mood
LOVE LIFE
[First crush]	none of your business
[First kiss]	under the desks at school..kinda fun
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]	no
[Do you believe in "the one?"]	no
[Are you a tease?]	no
[Too shy to make the first move?]	yea
ARE U A
[Daydreamer]	yes
[Bitch/Asshole]	no
[sarcastic]	no
[Angel]	no
[Devil]	no
[Shy]	yes
[Talkative]	NO!! and almost everyone i know can vouch for that one
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

productive...kinda

i decided posting here is better than nothing and it will keep me busy until i have to go...

im going to a movie tonight but i dont really want to go anymore..since renee will be looking for me ill go..i just feel really disconnected and normally this only happens if ive been burning and i havent...i havent burned since the last time and i scared myself enough to stop that for the time being...i have been cutting but its been a few days..that will change soon but for right this minute it has been a few days..ive been in the library for a while and started to just not feel good and now im way out there and have no clear idea what im feeling anymore..not that i care much but oh well for me since i suck anyway...mommy had her surgery yesterday and still she managed to make me feel like a complete idiot...i nevermind..i figured it all out and i really shoould have tried a little harder to fend off the whole suicidal thing but i didnt...i mean besides the daily convos with mommy things havent been horrible just boring..classes are decent the ones ive been to anyway..my books were really expensive this semester for what i had to have and i swear its a waste of money..school is a waste of time sometimes...im really not looking forward to my teachers email about coming to see them...i know ill be able to put it off for a while but not for two long because they can just take me out of the program if i seem to be having problems...but then i never have problems .. well not problems that anyone can see if i dont want them too...yvonne tells me all the time im the most put together person she knows and it just makes me want to yell at her sometimes because its not that simple...im not that simple but i really just choose not to bother telling anyone that...i really would rather everyone thought i was fine but then it bothers me so much when everyone really does think im fine...

today

I feel like a ship beneath the waves a child who has lost his way, a door without the key, a face without a name, I feel like a breath without the air, and every day is the same..."


--

im so so cold right now
i feel really weird
i feel dead

schools back in

im back at my apartment now and the depression hasnt lifted yet but its not as bad right now...i missed yvonne and ming and my own space and not having to worry about cleaning or if someone is coming over or keeping dusti inline and all that...not that i dont have stress it doesnt get as far as it does when im at home with mommy....i need to figure out a different thing to call home because i call my apartment home and i call my home with mommy home and i guess it can get confusing...im not feeling to good right now but it was a good day...i made roxy lunch and a cake for her birthday and she liked it and took most of it home but i still ate to much cake..low in fat or not cake is cake ... and i had muffins for breakfast...yvonne took me out :) well we walked down the street but it was fun..we split the muffins so i had part of a cranberry orange one and it was surprisingly good..and i had lemon poppy and blueberry and i didnt like the healthy harvest one it was kinda gross...i spent the morning finding the kitchen because it was kinda just gross and needed a good cleaning...i do most of the cleaning but i dont mind..it gives me time ti think about stuff and what not...i got the new anna nalick cd and i really like it..the whole cd to the songs are pretty good and i can relate to them in ways and she has a nice voice..i was back to cutting my wrist before i left home be cause i just couldnt handle anything eelse...so im hack to keeping my wrist covered up and everything...classes start tomorrow and i only have one but im going to campus kinda early so i can get some of my books and find out prices and things...my bank acct is finallly back in order after i miss calculated and over spent a little bit...im going to take a nap though..just decided to write a little bit

not

It's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole, "Me," This Fire

lots

finally checking in here again...i write still in my other notebook but thats just because if i dont im pretty sure my head would explode..but anyhoo things are just things and im ready to go back to school..classes dont start until the 24th though but im going back that monday...im looking into computers and everything and i found a great one but it was sold out at the time and a little more expensive that i wanted it to be but it was a great computer! but all the same i should have one within the next couple weeks...dusti is getting bigger and actually coming out from under my bed some..im pretty sure she will be much happier back at the apartment too...

wed is nias birthday and i think ill be working for some of it but mommy will prolly tell me to bake a cake or something..but im glad i already got her a birthday rpesent and gave it to her already..when we go to the store today i may buy a card to leave for her...im going to the driving school on saturday and that should be exciting at least...im hoping when they tell me how long it will take me to finish it wont be forever since i can only drive on weekends and ill have to come home for that...hopefully ill have my license before my birthday though so i can get my car...riley and harris got back last firday and i spent the weekend with them and it was actually fun..me and riley spent most of the time playing computer games..and harris as usual migrated to my bed to sleep when he woke up really early in the morning..but they are growing up and its fun getting to catch up with them because its like talking to someone my age lol...im going to print off the pictures on my digi camera today to hopefully that wont cost a fortune..

but nothing to important

my fault

things just suck