shame and guilt

This is a few paragraphs in the book, I copied some of the more interesting arguments. " Compared with guilts operations, shame is a more positive force. Simply put, shame has many more shades of difference than guilt has. This is why shame can be so painful. In contrast, guilt tends to be more on/off. With in a system of reparation, guilt prompts recompense and then is done. But as we've seen, shame can revisit you long after the particular moment of shaming has passed...Lumped together, shame and guilt are taken seemingly and inevitably describing a white complex, a political muddle of pride, shame, and guilt...Avoiding shame can allow guilt to flourish. Guilt, or fear of being found guilty, produces a sistuation where shame cannot be admitted. Shame left unspoken solidifies as a layer of intensity that never seems to go away. "

Until today I really thought I knew the difference between shame and guilt but I dont. They are generally used together and when I think of one I always think of the other. I ran into a book today while I was working and I only picked it up because the cover was pretty and I did not realize what section of the library I was in. The book is called Blush: faces of shame (written by Elspeth Probyn), well that was enough to completely have my attention. I started scanning through it and reading it a little bit and it did bring up a lot of different opinions of the way shame really works. I could not think of a time when I could explain clearly what causes the shame in the form of a definition like I can when dealing with guilt. Guilt is when I know I have done something wrong, when I have done something I knew better than to do or told a lie about something. I know and understand guilt but then shame just sneaks its way in and all of a sudden im ashamed of what ive done but the logic behind why the shame has suddenly come up is not there. With guilt comes blame but with shame it is like every emotion could have a part in it. Shame goes a lot deeper than just saying I have done something wrong but I do not have the words to explain it.

For example...I am feeling guilty because I hide on the computer when I am supposed to be working. I know it is wrong and the reasons behind it is work is boring but still I feel guilty and the guilt is justified. I know exactly where it is coming from and why. Then when I try to think of something that brings on shame not many thoughts come up. It is just a huge feeling that takes over everything at once. I can say I am ashamed of the cutting or purging but it is not just that. It is a feeling that I am supposed to be ashamed of it and therefore I can not accept any of it. Maybe fear is what drives shame and shame is what drives guilt and so on down the line of emotions. If you hide something it means you do not want it to be found out and you are ashamed of whatever it is but you are not feeling guilty over it yet but the longer it goes on the more guilt comes into the picture. Maybe shame comes before guilt and they just evolve together. I am really trying to come up with the definition for shame and I am just coming up blank. Saying it is just a really strong feeling associated with guilt is not working for me. There has to be more to it than that and I am going in circles trying to figure it out. This is one of those questions that do not have a right or wrong but I am thinking there is no definite answer either. I think that is why it is bothering me so very much. I need a concrete answer and I can not find one.

Shame, guilt, fear, pain, they are all emotions/feelings and strong ones but I think all emotions are connected to each other in someway. Why does it feel as if shame can outweigh any emotion, good or bad? Is it possible that shame can be taught or learned? Is it one of the things that can be learned just from watching other people?

Wondering a lot at the moment,

blah

someone please clue me in as to why i keep dreaming of people dying??!!! its starting to creep me out big time..i mean sometimes i know the person who has died sometimes i dont..its kinda random

i finally started the new harry potter book...borrowed it from yvonne and im liking it so far it kinda sucks its not as long as the 5th one but so far i am really liking it and reading it every chance i get!

yvonne got back yesterday morning so three people in the house is getting crowded with yvonnes stuff still in the living room and the only tv in the house is downstairs...i spent most of yesterday playing video games and trying to talk myself out of eating go figure lol..but eating yesterday wasnt to horrible...ii made mini cheese taco things even though they hadnt started out as that but they were pretty good and not bad cal wise if i use an exact measurement of cheese....so yesterday i got between 900 and 1000cals..not horrible but not great either but anyhoo todays a new day and well im at work already bored...and the bus was majorly late this morning and i was beginning to think me and renee had missed it but then it showed up...thankfully because i didnt want to have to make up the missed time at work..working in the library really is quite boring but ill miss it when im not working here anymore.

oh well back to work

junk

finally its thursday! no work tomorrow and i dont have to wake up early...ive been going to bed earlyish but still im not getting enough sleep..eventhough i know my stupid iron levels arent right it sucks being tired all the time...besides cutting the other day i guess im alright..having renee has a roommate isnt such a bad thing and we get along pretty well..we have a schedule of things to watch every afternoon and its kinda fun and it keeps me busy..shes staying in town this week so i wont be alone, it will be a little weird not having the weekend to myself but i dont mind...dusti has been climbing all over everything lately but shes fine too and enjoying her freedom in the house im sure lol...eating has been back and forth and im pretty much back to eating one big meal and snacking throughout the rest of the day..but im working on not snacking as much..not that it matters any...not much to talk about i guess..i have to find a new job for next semester and im hoping to be able to work on campus but if i cant then ill have to wait until after the new year to get a new job because i already know im going out of town twice and if i have a job i might not be able to take the time off...but i havent decided yet..if i have my car back i might still find a job somewhere and just see what happens...ill have plenty of free time to work if i did get a job though..and im going home soon and trying not to think much about it...im ready for fall semester to start kinda..

weekend

its monday so im back to work and able to get online...

long weekend

lots and lots of stress

mom came to visit..same old same old..not good enough, change, blah blah blah

going out of town at the end of july..going out of town again second weekend in aug

going home for a few weeks in aug

not sleeping much..stupid dreams

life

life hmmm well life is life and im just going day by day...doing a lot of reading and writing since i cant be online as much lol..it has its good points i guess...im ready to just relax this weekend without anyone hanging around...i could do with a little peace and quiet for a little while...eating is alright i guess..ill be living on pbandj for a while because im broke and cant afford much else lol...no biggie im supposed to be dieting anyway right?? im just afraid to walk to the store by myself so im stopping at the drugstore on my walk home because i can handle that and im not crossing a 4lane highway! i have a habit of waling without looking or walking and knowing there are cars coming..stupid me but anyway...nothing thrilling going on..watching tv and junk over the weekend and sleeping and cleaning and doing laundry like e very other weekend...mommy keeps asking me to come home and i keep saying no and im struggling not to just say screw it and go home but then i remember the new scars on my arm and i know i cant go without being in a lot of trouble...sleep is weird because im to scared to really sleep like deep sleep since the other night and the weird rape dream...my dreams have been just off lately..im weirding myself out but at least i was able to sleep with the lights off last night...dusti is enjoying having the house to herself i think lol..i dont have to stick her in my room for the day now that its only her there...i just leave my door open a little bit so she can go back and forth...q went home with yvonnes mom so he can be fixed and things and that worked out good since i didnt really want to keep him...i like him and all but i like dusti more and i just dont really want him..but since we have him i can tolerate him at least...i want a kitten from pet smart they were so cute but i know i wont be getting another one anytime soon...im getting really really sad and im pretty sure what im draeming has a part in it but im just feeling really alone and things..maybe i just need a long break or something i dont know...i cant figure out myself at the moment and im not really talking to anyone ....yvonne was worried the other day when i said pretty much nothing but that was how i had to deal with being majorly creeped out..not like i can explain my dream to anyone..but i wrote it down at least so i dont forget it..not that i will be i wrote it down all the same...the weather is being weird too..sunny today but windy after like 3 days of storms and i dont like thunder and having to walk home is not thrilling right now..its majorly hot and gross outside and the walk just seems to take forever...after the morning where those guys were walking around im being really careful and refuse to walk anywhere at night or anything alone..not that i did before but im just noticing now...trying to calm my thoughts so i can go do errands and things and go home...im not up for staying on campus long today..