fine

im fine

nothing great

still no cutting and im really really really trying at it...im working at it now because i really have no idea how long it will last since well yea july is a sucky month and i wish someone would take it off the calendar lol...anyhoo sucky weekend food wise..so ill have to start counting cals again because im seeing laura in a couple weeks i think and i cant go home looking like a pig dusti is back to normal for the most part lol..her and q still are going at each other and its a pain keeping them apart becasue q drives me crazy going back and forth to the window! renee is back too and so theres the 3 of us in the house and its not bad since we all have different schedules...im so tired becasue i stayed up till 1 in the morning playing cards and then when i went to bed i couldnt go to sleep..and then i had to wake up at 6 and its not cool falling asleep if i stop moving lol..the only productive thing i did this weekend was my hair...i was surprised i got a call for roxy last night asking if i wanted to go to the store...it really was sweet of her to remember i dont have a car lol and call to ask..she doesnt live that far from me either so its kinda cool....im not doing anything for the 4th..yvonne will be out of town and so will renee and i have no intention of going home so it will just be me and dusti and q hanging out this weekend...3 weeks without ming will be so nice..not that i dont like the dog shes just in the way at times...geez my head is all over the place today..oooh umm im being decently responsible and taking my vitamins like im supposed to...ive decided to get back into keeping a journal..like a written one becasue i dont have my comp anymore and cant write as much as i used to...so in a small effort to keep myself from not cutting i will write everything down and see how that goes..its not like i wont have the time to do it..i have to much free time as it is...i did read a really good book last thrusday..finished it in like 5 hours lol..inbetween doing other stuff...i am going to look up the books on mindfulness and radical acceptance that my teacher recommended..it will give me something to do and some of them actually do look like kinda interesting...so i think ill get a couple to add to my re ading list since im not sure how long it will take me to get through them..since the toxic parents book took me a long while but i finished it even after swearing to never pick the book up again lol....im such a dork somethings....anyhoo i better get to work..

stupid tests

so i got my test results back and i was right im just heading for being anemic...my count was at 32 and the lowest to still be in normal range was 35..so he told me to take a multivitamin with iron in it and see if that helps because it takes like a month or so for iron to build back up and so i have to go back in sept or around that time..im glad its nothing serious because i was almost convinced i was gonna find out i was dying or something..now i actually have to go get vitamins and take them..and im not great about taking meds on time when i remember to take them..

update kinda

god i miss my comp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyhoo the weekend was just really boring...i ate constantly but i guess it was still really low in fat so maybe thats a good thing to consider!

dusti went into heat and so im seriously tired...listening to her cry for 2 days as loud as she can is nerve wrecking! i was ready to put her outside! it wouldnt have been a problem except now there is a boy cat in the house and good grief she has something to work for but i kept them seperated as much as i could..until one or both of them gets fixed...so yea dusti like to get really loud at 3 in the morning and so i wake up and its not like she doesnt know im awake if im sitting there giving her evil looks lol...

hmm working on last minute stuff for school...semester is pretty much over..my human behavior class is working on publishing a journal article..i was left in charge of the whole project by my teacher and i was so mad at her for doing it last week..but now ive turned into a powerhunger fend...ok not really but i kinda like being in charge a little bit..im not comfortable with it but im doing what i have to because everyones grade kinda does depend on me making sure everything is turned in on time...weird but i guess my teacheer knew what she was doing

purged last week once....cut twice...so i guess im back to my avg...my teacher recommended some books for me to read about mindfulness and radical acceptance since i went to talk to her and we talked a little bit about that..

but guess thats my update!

doesnt matter

i dont care

went to the pool

yvonne talked me into going to the pool yesterday..but i was just gonna go to sit on the side and read or something..and that turned into me getting in the pool fully clothed..they kept splashing me and it was to the point where it made no sense for me not to get in the pool since i was already wet enough...jeans are not cool for swimming in!! but it was fun and we met a couple new people and yvonne got flashed and i wasnt looking cas well not my thing but other than that it was fun...and we have a stray cat now but it may not work out since dusti has issues with the new cat..i was worried they were going to start fighting dusti was hissing enough...so dusti sticks pretty close to my room for now and the other cat isnt allowed in my room..we named him mercutio...q for short...but i dont think we will end up keeping him unless dusti calms down around him alot...she didnt even hiss much at ming and thats only when she was biting ...so not sure how long we will keep him but for now dusti is fine in my room and they are all seperated...i asked today about working for the second part of the summer and i may be able to..i will have taxes taken out though and that sucks but it would let me stay up here too and that is really what i wanted...i may have to go home in august to get my license but i wont have to stay long at all...ill see what mommy says about it today...im going to the doctor this afternoon and im trying really hard not to freak out about it..i dont want to go and im really only going because i was asked to by a couple ppl..it really doesnt have anything to do with me because if it was left up to me i really wouldnt go at all...so im working on not making myself think im gonna die or not make it to the doc..but it will be ok i think :S i hope

things are looking up

so things are looking up a little bit right now...i found out today that i will have enough fin aid for next year! i am so so so happy because i was so worried i wouldnt be able to stay in school...not to mention i would have had no way to pay for it..but now i can pay for school and rent and things without worrying about it..ill still have to find a job though because i dont have work study for next year...maybe ill be able to do self help or something because im not sure about working off campus next year..but now i dont have to worry about that for the rest of the summer


im still working really hard at no s/i...i made it through yesterday when i was really feeling like cutting..im trying really hard at it anyway..thinking way to much about everything else but i guess i can handle that for now..i still dont know what im gonna be doing about the doctor, im still to worried to go and make an appt because i dont want to have blood drawn but now im still thinking i have some major problem and im worried but not worried enough to warrant a trip to the doc about it...but i know im worrying arran just a tad bit by not caring more..but i cant decide..

me and yvonne found a stray cat yesterday and as much as i wanted to keep him i knew i couldnt because my mom has major issues with dusti she would never in a million years let me keep another cat at home..at the apartment it doesnt matter becasue its me and yvonne and not her..but still dusti hasnt been fixed yet and i was very worried i would end up with kittens and im not about to put kittens in the pound! but for now we dont have the extra cat he kinda disappeared last night when we went to look for him again...yvonnes birthday was fun..i ate way to much but it was still fun..she got me a care bear lunch box though..its a grumpy bear one ;) and i made her lunch with it and so it was a pretty good weekend minus yesterday morning..

worried some

i went to see arran today and that went as it usually does except i felt like talking and tried really hard to talk...we talked about the regular stuff and then it was my bright idea to bring up the subject of sleep..and so i told her about how i was always tired and how i get dehydrated alot and the whole blue fingers bit..and she advised going to a doc about it because it could be a serious problem and i told her it wasnt and i didnt say i wouldnt go i just said i would consider it the next time i feel dehydrated..and it sucks to admit im dehydrated again so im sitting here eating ice knowing i need to go fix some food but im not feeling hungry...now im worried that it could be something serious..but im afraid of going to the doc..i dont want to have blood drawn again....this is the second time in two weeks ive had to listen to arran tell me shes concerned about me :( i dont like that but now shes knows i dont care much about me health overall and i dont know...just thinking alot tonight

breathe

funny i always forget how to breathe when im going to the doc...along with a really sick im gonna throw up feeling but it still sucks...

complaining

waking up at 6 every morning is really starting to get to me...it feels like as soon as i go to bed its time to wake up again and then i go to bed earlier every night...and the stupid walk to the bus takes longer and longer every day...its way to hot to be stuck walking to the bus every morning and afternoon...im really not liking the transit ppl much right now...tomorrow will be 2 weeks without cutting..might be more but i forgot the last time i actually cut so ill just go with the last time i talked to arran because i know that is at least two weeks..so ill count from there ... but weird enough without cutting all i do is think without rest..geez ive thought about everything lately without it letting up much...thinking so much really is tiring...

im still hoping yvonnes present will get here in time for her birthday but im not sure...if not ill paint her a picture and eventually her other gift will get here...i was kinda hoping we would go to cary for her birthday because then we would be able to go to whole foods to shop..but if not its ok too i can go to the reg grocery store..really have been eating to much lately but i am making an effort to drink more water to help with the dorky dehydration thing..i really dont know what makes me hands turn blue except being really cold but i dont really know how to fix that

dusti is fine, getting bigger..ming is fine and staying the same size lol..

nothing to interesting to write about though..found an older poem i wrote ..and working on 2 others..i put them where i keep all my other poems though since i need to work on them some more..

today

its starting to storm and i really am afraid of thunder..it just scares the heck out of me for some reason and yvonne isnt here and so im just a little bit freaked out... seriously feeling like a kid and so about to cry

staying busy

decorating the mirror in the bathroom as a surprise for yvonne for her birthday..i think she will like it.

got an A on my test..i really dont know what i was worried about..

work was boring

hmmm just rambling really

tired and nervous

im really tired but im almost finished my test..so im guessing thats a good thing..i did part of it last night and im finishing the rest now before class ..i really hate that i work so well under pressure..it drives me insane...i swear i wont get it done and then i manage somehow to really get it done and turn it in on time...i really dont know how i do it since im working on my test and writing here and listening to music and reading...im not even supposed to be multitasking..and im not supposed to be self critical either..well work on it at least..and that is really hard since i mean everything i call myself..and i can be really mean at times..but anyway..i ha ve a headache and i cant eat anything until later on sometime...sometimes i just want to scream at yvonne that im not the most put together person..im not calm or collected, everything bothers me...i cant look in the mirror without wanting to throw something at it...depending on the week i could have a bunch of cuts in various places on my body but not to many people would think to question why im not carrying my books in my bookbag or why im wearing my jacket when its so hot outside or why im limping... it wouldnt be there business but no one asks...right now im not even liking that i come across that way...its just that it bothers me that no one thinks nothing bothers me when everything bothers me...i mean geez i cut/burn/purge so something is wrong but no one knows...i dont even want anyone to know but the fact that no one notices hurts my feelings..not that i can jhust out of the blue say im having a bad day or something..i can handle controlling what im feeling..im freakishly good at it..maybe to good...i dont want to be so put together but i cant be anything else either...i have to make it to thursday and i dont know if i will..im not even sure ill make it to tomorrow..i talked to my mom this morning and she as usual went and cleaned my room..and she found gauze or something and it wouldnt have been so bad but i had used it sometime and i dont even remember doing it since i started burning when i was home to stop from having to use anything but anyway she found it and asked me about it and i of course lied my butt off about stopping and how it had been a couple years and blah blah blah now i know when i go home ill be checked out for new scars...im trying not to cry..and i do feel some bad for lying about it but i refuse to have her put me in the hospital when im not even trying to out right kill myself...trying to calm down so i can finish my work..

and if this is a rant of a sane person ! i would really like to see a insane persons rant

awake

i highly doubt ill be going to sleep tonight because i waited till the last minute yet again to do my homework/test so i have to stay awake to get it finished..not that i mind but if i dont sleep them i have to be really careful to stay moving tomorrow so that i donnt fall asleep at the drop of a hat...this weekend has bee really hard..i spent most of it by myself and then i spent all of that time talking myself out of cutting...my stress levels are getting to me and im just way to jumpy i guess..and more quiet than usual...i went out to dinner today and as usual my not eating became a topic...and to get nothing from the grocery store and still spend a fortune gets on my nerves...i havent been drinking enough lately and im worried ill be dehydrated again soon...but i also know my eating on a reg basis is getting smaller i guess..i havent stopped but im getting close again..theres nothig i want and what i do want i refuse to eat...i did give in today and get chips so i dont know maybe it wont be so bad...but it is really hard to explain how ice is a meal..not that it would make any sense whatso ever...so many different worries going through my head right now...this weekend is yvones birthday and i got her a gift i know she would like..well i hope she likes it and it hasnt gotten here yet since i did order it offline...im hoping it gets here soon..we went to the bookstore today to and i was looking through the self help/mental health books just because they are always interesting and i started reading one of them and i really want the book just to see what it says but its way to much money and ill have to wait and see..but it was about healing the inner child..some workbook thing and i only started reading it because i was flipping through it and it had the questionaire things in it and they got my attention...it goes through the stages by age and its just kinda interesting...back to homework..and not getting to distraccted

sigh

i am in a very stay away from me mood...just kinda happened ..im just hanging out in the lab for a bit today to waste time since my comp is just stupid and annoying me...and i have some work i should be doing but i havent started yet...im might be going home next weekened but i dont know it depends on if ill be missing to much class or not..and the only reason im conisdering it is because mommy is going out of town and ill be working..its not like i dont need the money but its yvonnes birthday that week and i dont want to miss it but i cant decide...i already know i wont have enough extra money for like bills and junk..so i dont knwo..i dont want to go home but i might have to and im making myself nervous so ill stop now

weird convo

i have been living with yvonne for six months now and she told me tonight that she doesnt know when im having a bad day..it wasnt like she told me it was more of a question and it was one i couldnt answer...i told her it was skill but i dont know ... its not even like i havent had bad days..this week has been just one huge bad day..this year has been horrible but i never said anything about it...i wont say anything about it..shes right i can tell when she is having a bad day...but just my lloking at me you cant tell unless you know when really really well and maybe thats not even true since yvonne has lived with me qand still cant read me...not that im the easiest person to read im guessing...she also told me she is really close to swearing that im a catholic and not just a plain catholic im a roman catholic because im so reserved...out of the two of us i am the more reserved one i mean her grandmother asked if i was mute....given her grandmother likes me and i dont know why really...but still i have my moments when i dont act my age and moreso when im with yvonne or henry and nia and it doesnt happen often because what i do is always ruled by if ill get in trouble or not...not even cobsidering most of it i cant get in trouble for anyway..but i cant do it...just me...just weird i guess..and really makes me wonder what ppl think of me..

writing just to write

my head is really starting to get me sidetracked...i dont like when i starting getting lost in my head..its like going back in time and still not getting anywhere..i got back monday..i didnt cut at all mainly because i was at home and mainly because if i had started i wouldnt have stopped...but being back at school the rules change and i can cut if i want to and i can hide it..the problem isnt not wanting to cut becuase i want to more than anything else right now..the problem is where i want to cut and well if ill be able to stop..so im not cutting..im not doing anything..trying my hardest to make sure im not feeling anything either..im driving myself crazy trying to stay busy..im to nervous to sit still for long...classes are just chances for me to zone out completely until its time to go..but ive been going to class..theres not enough time to get away with skipping classes without having major problems gradewise...

yvonne thinks i take life to seriously..i am always telling her not to do stuff so i guess maybe i do..we went out to lunch yesterday after i talked her into going to the bank with me..it was fun..

ive been trying to write this and i keep forgetting what im trying to say...

i wore white today to remind myself i cant cut..stupid but it works for now..i keep thinking im gonna end up in the hospital if i cut..im avoiding my teacher because i dont feel like talking...i know she wont let me get away with not talking to her for to long but for the rest of this week i can..no class again until monday..she wants to talk more indepth about my family paper and i said i would because i just couldnt let her make a copy of it...so ill have to talk to her eventually...but for now im not talking to anyone..outside of the reg boring everyday stuff

but hmm ive started writing again..poetry that is and i managed to get two started in two days while not paying attention in english class..i like them both and im thinking of showing one to arran just to see what she says about it..but i still have a lot of work to do one both of them to figure out what im trying to say..i havnt managed to get time to paint though...i spend to much time sleeping..i go to bed earlier and earlier, pretty soon i iwll be back to getting close to 10 hours of sleep a night and still waking up tired..but at least im not having creepy dreams..i keep forgetting to ask arran about one of my dreams..i should write it down so i dont forget..i forget a lot of stuff..i should write more things down..and i want to take a nap..back and forth between suicide and well no suicide..i think ill just go home after work..i was going to stay on campus but i dont feel like it anymore..