fears

this was a big cookout weekend for whatever reason and for some reason i got stuvk having to grill food that i had no intention of eating..the major problem with that is i dont like fire..flames scare me big time and i would rather not drop a lit match on dry grass..i was not happy at all aout that but i stil had to do it...end result i got sick ffrom all the smoke and it sucked big time...henry ddid come likght the matches for me and put them in but i still had to do everything else..stlil spent most of the time listening to how i need to workout and fix this and that and it just sucked...its like nothing im doing is good enough at all but i keep doing it..well trying anyway..but i came home and yvonne had made me a cake just because it was mondayh and added more orlando pictures to my door..it was cool and did improve my day some...still feeling like crap and my comp isnt working again..not looking forward to this week either

nothing

so much is going on in my head right now...it has really been a bad visit..i shouldnt have come home...but i am putting some work in the whole mindfullness thing and trying really hard not to cut or anything else for that matter..although thinking about it is just making it worse..so i think about it because if i dont then ill start trying to do something really stupid and then where would i be except in the hospital..right now i just want to paint and i cant even do that till i get back to s chool...im not sure about coming home in july but im pretty sure ill have to..there are a few problems with that to the main one being..if i come home to stay over a month im not really sure ill be going back to school im not really sure ill be going anywhere...i dont handle home to well anymore...still have a few more weeks to deal with that one though..im not sure what ill be doing with dusti..i dont think i want her here anymore and i dont know if ill be able to leave her at school..it was selfish of me to keep bringing her home when i know in the end it just gets me in more trouble..im not giving her away though..

i saw arran the day i came home and i told her about the burning and purging and suicide stuff and now shes worried about me and i really didnt want that..but now she knows and i guess thats alright..i had been trying for forever to get around to telling her about the purging...i still dont like that she can put me in the hospital...i have one more appt with her before she moves to the other place...she told me i should be getting a letter soon about where ill be going and i really hope its with her..but even if it is i have no idea how to get to the new place ...i kinda know where its at but me and 4 lane streets just dont get along..its not like i havent been known to just stop in the middle of traffic for what ever reason and i dont cross them alone if i can help it..i really should stop doing that though..it scares yvonne when i start walking with cars coming...but anyway

im trying really hard not to attach myself to my teacher and its not working out so good...and my grammar sucks and anyway..umm yea getting attached to a teacher bad..getting attached to two teachers really bad.. it doesnt happen often and i know of all the times it has happened and its only been like twice and both times i eventually made it so i wasnt so attached anymore but it took a while..i expect them to save me and it doesnt work like that..it never works like that....and i dont know..

sad

i found out yesterday that riley and harris's puppy had to be put to sleep..he was such a sweet puppy and so pretty..golden retriever..i have a couple pictures of him .. when i was over at there house i always got to play with the puppy..mommy didint like him much though and i always had to keep him in the cage if she was there..riley had only had him for maybe 3 months and when i called yesterday it had just been done and riley was crying in the background..i know they will miss him alot...mommy doesnt care because she doesnt like animals but its hard..dusti is like a kid who depends on me for just about everything except the bath part that i do anyway...i was fine yesterday when i found out about it but now its bothering me...its like sitting in here trying not to cry...its not like i can cry i have class in a little while and i dont know if ill be sitting through the whole class...i want to go home but i cant miss class...i have a doc appt today and im going home today and i didnt pack..i havent even thought about packing even though ive known i was going home...i was hoping i wouldnt have to..but i am .. i dont even know how im getting home today yet....


its been a sucky week

vent rant guilt whatever

i majorly suck..i had something else to say but i could ever willing right it done so i did some editing and came up with that...

i didnt cut
or burn
still thinking about it though

b/p instead

guilt
guilt
more guilt

it shouldnt be so easy
if it was harder maybe i wouldnt do it

destroyed the kitchen
cleaned up the kitchen
spic and span


but i still suck
and i feel really sick right now
going to bed to try to sleep it off


stupid
stupid
stupid
me

not my day

today has just been a really crappy day :(:( i just want to go to bed and wish this day had never happened...i woke up on time but went to bed really late because of going to one of yvonnes friends house for dinner and a movie..i woke up but i was so tired ...almost missed the bus because i was waiting on yvonne but she wasnt catching the same bus i was and i left later than i normally do..i was so worried i missed the bus this morning...work was just boring and i wasnt paying much attention...i didnt pay attention in class today and the more i tired the worse it was..at least went to both of them..went back to work and got annoyed reading the book on abnormal psych..left and went to get something to eat and the place wasnt open..so turned around and went back across campus to the other place and they didnt have what i wanted..so i just grabbed something and came home..get home and find out my appt was cancelled for whatever reason and i needed to call to reschedule since it was with arran and the dog ate my favorite pair of flip flops and that just pissed me off..i wont be able to find those flip flops again be cause i got them on sale like 2 years ago offline from old navy...ive never seen them in the stores and now i dont have them anymore..and everything is bothering me right now and im trying really hard not to cut..and im just going back to laying down

cold

im in the computer lab so its really not a surprise my fingers are turning blue...them turning blue in class was a surprise though..i mean i ate breakfast and everything this morning..so i dont know..maybe i have bad circulation or something but im really cold right now and planning on leaving the lab very soon. work was dull and class was dull..so im ready to go home because i am a bit tired..im gonna go get something to eat too before i go home..or something to go with what im making at home...ive found a really good fake chicken to eat..but we are out of everything at the moment and not to interested in walking to the store..but i guess we will today..i dont know yet if yvonne is at home or not..so ill just pick up a couple extra drinks while im in the grill place on campus..im sick of drinking water..not much to write right now though

random junk

been a while since i wrote...and at first i just didnt feel like writing anything because i was thinking about to many different things..but then it just turned into i didnt care if i ever wrote again or not..but i at least halfway like my boring blog thingy so i started caring again...writing here is one of the easiest ways to give my head a break and i really should have written the night i cut but i didnt...i wanted to talk but no one was around..so i didnt do anything but cut and it worked..and then i figured out of course that i shouldnt have cut..update on the randomness of my life lately...the burns i did last time a couple of them started getting blisters..one was really bad and hurt like hell and i couldnt not keep a bandaid on it because that just made it worse..i was almost ready to go to the doc but i didnt..its getting better now...i really dont know first aid for burns and that worrys me some because someone told me they arent supposed to peel and i let all of them peel because then at least i know when they are getting better...burning is a lot harsher than cutting..i cant tell how bad it is until its pretty much to late to do anything about it..at least if im cutting i know how bad it is right then...burning just gets out of hand a lot faster and it scares me...the last ones scared me...i cant keep burning and i know that and that scares me more...i really hate that i will have to give all of it up..regardless of the small fact that giving them up will keep me alive..maybe..right now im not sure if i want to be alive...i dont know if i will be alive..i could say it would be some random thing that just happens but it wont be...that should prolly worry me more than it does...im not planning anything though..nothing for the near future anyway...i know im going somewhere with riley and harris in oct and im trying really hard to hang around for that...that makes me mondo shallow but oh well it works good enough...so what made me cut the other night..i was watching my fav reality show antm and i love the show for a few reasons and it was the season finale...and once upon a time i did want to model at least a little bit for no real reason..just something to do and now its just like yea right what can you model/?? it wouldnt work and i couldnt do it..i went through a lot of thoughts that night and none of them were to good...so anyway i started cutting my wrist again and it worked better than i thought it would..when i trade cutting for burning i always forget how much better cutting is...morbid most likely but i cant really help that...so anyway it was a sucky night and then the next day i get sucked into dropping by my teachers office...the convo we had was really interesting though and over all im glad i stopped by..but theres still a teacher/student boundary there .. and i really do refuse to cross it, she asked how i was and i immediatly said fine truthful or not that was all she was getting...we talked about class and the discussion we had in class earlier that day that pissed me off big time...i ha ve huge issues with gender roles/rules..they just literally suck for females and guys have it way to easy...she posted my question on the message boards for the class though...we talked about why i dont talk too kinda..more like she questioned and i couldnt remember any of the 'whys' its really weird trying to go back through years of half thoughts to come up with the simplest answer to the easiest question...it sucks because if i cant remember then what am i doing? i really want to email my other teacher but i dont know what to say to her..im not thinking its cool for a student to just email to say hi...so ive been trying to come up with something to say to her to give me a reason to email her..so i havent figured everything out yet..so now im writing to just drive myself crazy..im going home for the weekend...i hadnt planned on going but my mom said she was coming to pick me up in not so many words .. so home i go hopefully ill be able to work some while im home ...im really not looking forward to it...since company is visiting for that weekend most likely ill be stuck cleaning the house when i get home...and what ive done lately is just screaming to be noticed..this is one of those night when im really hating myself..guess i figured out what is making me sad...sucks to be me right now...i start work tomorrow though...bright and freaking early at 8 so i hve to wake up at 6 to be ready in time to walk to the other bus stop...its really getting to me that we have to walk to the othe stop...i dont like walking by myself back and forth out of the complex and behind the stores..it really creeps me out..i keep my razors in my bag just to have them there..this weekend was talys birthday and her party was fun although she figured it out when she was walking in the house because we had left our bags in the chair and she saw them before she found us...the cake didnt turn out right but it was still decent...it could have been a lot better..so i suck..but any way of course i spent the night drinking and i have no idea what i drunk like number wise but it was a lot and i wasnt as drunk but i wasnt caring about much when we headed downtown..downtown was not my night though..way to many guys touching me way to much...i was constantly moving hands off of me..normaly if ive been drinking im tolerance for being touched goes way down and i dont mind being hugged by the ppl i came with...but that night it was way to much, there are some places where i refuse anyone touching me and god ppls hands were moving way to fast...and being asked to go home with some guy i dont know is really crossing the line and i sobered up really quick as the night went on..i know taly would never let me go home with anyone and i had either her or angies hand when we were walking and things....but all the same ive had enough of clubs for now..i have no desire to go back anytime soon...i wasnt happy by the time we left..and being in the car with a driver who had been drinking was not the smartest thing ive ever done but i do it every time almost and i really should know better...its just that at that moment it doesnt matter...still not safe..so anyway dusti is her usual bright self and sleeping in my chair...she lets yvonne pick her up now with out running away..she has gotten a lot calmer..although now we have had to start using a water gun to stop her from climbing yvonnes bookcase and things..i use it on the puppy to..they both run as soon as they see it..kinda funny and i still feel a bit bad about using it on them but it works...but im heading to bed..im tired after writing all of that and not in a great mood so bed is a good idea...and i have to be up really early so i have to go to bed anyway

back to school...in may

funny ive already been out of school and back in before henry gets out for the first time! still i would rather be in school...im actually trying to practice my mindfullness in class becasue i have some how gotten into the habit of drifting off horribly without really thinking about it...not that i really want to pay attention when things are boring in class but i need to..so im trying to work on it...i have to go home soon though...because i have to try and see if i can change around an appt with arran so i wont have to miss classes...the first day back went well though..made it to both my classes and got my classes back after they were cancelled on me...so that had me worried big time but its all fixed now and the extra money i thought i had to pay wasnt even on there...so im just glad for that..

im really tired though and in a lot of pain..i was having trouble breathing in class and it sucked...it hurts if i do anything that agrivates the area with the burn..i had to put a bandaid on it last night and that helped take away some of the soreness of it but not all of it...and even after all of this .. i still want to burn...not in that area though..but burn all the same..

im trying to think of something to eat for today...im thinking ill get a smoothie and then get something on the way home...or else ill go get french fries..i dont know what i want to eat but i will have to eat it before 6!

oh well im off to waste some more time before i go home

just being

its not often i complain about anything i do to myself...but im complaining now...i shouldnt have burned around my ribs...they are getting irriated..they just flat out hurt like hell...a lot of the burns are forming blisters...i was a dumb ass and gave myself more than one 2nd degree burn without meaning too..it hurts to sit up or bend over...im alright with walking now..those are ok...really upset about what ive done...positivly hating what ive done...all of it just makes me want to go do something mean to myself...but im already mean to myself so thats nothing new...

went to see arran today and everytime i go see her the more i want to tell her ill come back next week instead of the week after but i dont...i dont know why ..just scared i guess...she hasnt asked about my cutting for a few weeks and i wonder why but im not volunteering the info because well theres been a huge increase in it..i still dont want to mention the purging but i know i will once we are back on the subject of cutting...but yea lots of pushing on her part today...my painting was taken to a psychotherapist and analyized and she told me what the results were..one painting and it was like they were walking around in my head..i wasnt even thinking about myself when i was painting it...i was thinking about how dorky the painting was..it had nothing to do with me and at the same time it did...there was a reason behind every color i used and they found them...they figured it all out and i didnt even know i was doing it...no control/powerlessness, isolation,abandonment, and anger...a very well hidden anger but anger all the same...why did they have to figure it out...why did she have to ask me about them...why cant things stay the way they are...the hard part being, i know why...i know why she wants to know, i know why she needs to know but she doesnt know why i wont say anything...one picture and a story and she knows more than i ever planned on her knowing...i know ill be ok with it but for right now i dont now what to think about it...

scared

i hate therapy days..they scare me...i feel like crying or being sick...not sure which though...i keep trying to figure out what we are going to talk about but i cant..im bringing my bear with me...i want my bear...i love my bear...i made her yesterday at the build a bear workshop..yvonne and her mom went there just for me..so i could see it because i had never been..i hadnt planned on making a bear but i ended making one and named her sybella from kingdom of heaven and picked out her outfit..she has a hello kitty shirt and a tan skirt and frilly socks and yvonne got her sandals and undies as a gift ... and we went to the disney store and toys r us..it was a good weekend..a really good weekend...i went shopping all over the place but didnt really get anything ...we went out to eat and to the movies and i went home with her and we went shopping again and out to lunch and to the big mall that was for my benefit...yvonne knows me well and going to build a bear made my day...they have it set up so cool..and i want to go make another one but it will be a while before i can..those are expensive bears!! but im happy i have her...its alot different having a bear you make vs one you buy in a store.. being with yvonne and her mom and knowing im included to is different..nothing is expected of me...most of the time her moms pays for me..she has gotten me a lot of stuff since ive been living with yvonne too...none of it i asked for..i know not to ask for anyting cas thats rude..i dont know...i know what its like being with them and i know what its like being with my mom and i know i will never ever invite yvonne to go home with me...i will never invite anyone to go home with me..easier that way..i really want to cry...arran will find out what ive done and hate me for it...i know ill try to avoid talking about it but she wont let me off that easy..two out of seven burns have started forming blister...both of which some how popped and im trying not to pick at them..the one on my chest hurts the most...i shouldnt have put it where i did and ill be in a heck of a lot of trouble if mommy catches sight of it one day when she decides to pull up my shirt...it tkes a long time for the skin to grow back :(

who am i?

i cant help but question everything today...ive been in a really bad mood the past couple days...but then im writing this with every intention of burning when im done...i dont know who i am...and i should..i should have everything worked out and i dont...im tired of being asked what im going to do when i graduate..geez i stilll have a year and a half left in school why do i have to think about it now...im not even sure ill make it to my graduation..cant say i care either...i dont want to know of something else i have to do..let me finish one degree before im expected to get another...i want to purge, more than i want anything else right now but i would rather die than to do that..i want to do so much right now but i cant do anything...feeling way to much right now im driving myself crazy...what i want to do and what i need to do conflict so much and im just stuck not knowing what is going on...i just know that everything hurts and i dont like it.

back home

im back at home now and my comp is working at the moment...not sure what is going on with that...very glad this day is over...im not in a good mood at all..i hate being rushed and i had to rush or risk being yelled at in front of yvonne...i didnt get half the things i needed from the store and ill have to wait until saturday now and hope yvonnes mom will do a grocery store and target run...i got new blades at the store because i was in a bad mood while i was shopping...but i dont think ill open them or anything right now..im trying to unpack and things but im not sure how far ill get tonight...i might read instead and just try to relax for a little while..i have to find a way to the doc on monday..and then classes start on tuesday...i need something to do so classes will be good... i told yvonne tonight about the buses and maybe with more ppl complaining they will make pinebrook a bus stop over the sumer...i dont want to walk to another bus stop just because i hate being late and to prevent that i would have to leave an hour early..who knows...cant say i dont need the exercise since im a pig anyway...yuck i got yogurt again..but ill make myself eat it...i wont like it but ill eat it even if it takes me all day..i just remembered today that laura is coming back in july so ill be working hard to lose weight before then..i should stop eating but that never works for long..and to make sure (or at least hope) i dont start purging again ill eat ... i dont know why the ed thing bothers me so much but it does...way more than cutting ever can...i work very hard at making sure no one finds out about the pruging but im still purging on purpose..and thats an ed and i know that but i still dont believe it..since im not like having any weird health problems from it..i dont know...i really should have this convo with arran instead of with myself...

stupid and annoyed

stupid comp erased my blog from earlier and i dont know if i want to write it again...but since some other stuff has happened ill right anyway..


so yea..salt has become my best friend again..4 times in two days but its not enough because after a while it stops hurting as much...i dont know what my limit is in burning but im thinking ill find it out pretty soon...but hey no cutting..although i do hate trading one for the other...and since i feel like going and throwing up burning it is...for now...what am i doing to myself...i dont know anymore..i dont think i ever knew..it was just something that got way out of hand and cant be stopped now..


things are really off lately and of course what do i do...forget i know how to talk it seems...i have to pack and junk in a little while and clean up the kitchen and my room...and then a nice long freaking drive back..i was really hoping she would let henry take me but im guessing not...

and yea im worthless and stupid and all that great stuff..i always forget but then i come home and remember..and yea things are going just great

oh well gotta go anyway

depressed

it started last night again...im not trying to stop it though. not much anyway...if i try to push all of it out of my head it doesnt work so i make myself think about it so i dont forget..i cant forget and i have to make myself remember...i dont know i have to much going on right now...i cant handle when i start getting stuck on things about my sister...i .. nevermind

nothing great

i havent been writing much lately...havent really felt like writing much ... just thinking lots about stuff...worrying lots too..i was right about my grades and they sucked majorly..as usual.ive been waiting for an email from my teacher and she hasnt emailed me..i think she fought about me because im not important any... so anyway im at home...cut once but thats ok...nothing major..i wanted to burn because it would be less noticeable but i cut instead..mommy is out of town so today is good..i called this morning to say happy mothers day and everything ...i should be ashamed of what ive been eating so back to restricting tomorrow and see how it goes...dusti is alright..im watching finding neverland so not doing much today..just a little out of it i think

going home

im going home today...versus going out of town for the weekend...mommy is going out of town though so that will be good ... ill still be stuck around her for a couple days before that but thats alright...i am taking some of my razors with me..i shouldnt but i want them with me...dusti will be at home instead of being stuck at the apartment...i have to go home and pack since it was kind of sudden that i found out i would be going home...been in a really weird mood lately...dont know..i have to figure out how i am going to eat at there house since im sure they dont have anything i can eat real food wise...im thinking ill make chili again to eat out of but i dont know yet..ill see if mommy can take me to the grocery store...i was right i got a d in econ...which means i barely made it out of that class but thankfully i dont have to take it over!! i dont want to ever take that class again...so im guessing my final grades are 3 a's a b and a d lol...sucky semester...i will have to do a lot better over the summer and in the fall..but i got out of the class..thats all i was really worried about though so now i know...and know i also know ill be getting yelled at on the ride home because of the d..i got a 3.2 gpa for the semester but i ccant make the honor roll because of the d...oh well for me..i screwed up my grades yet aagain..sucks i found out that the bus wont be coming to the apartment over the summer and ill be walking to another stop to catch it..the walk isnt bad or anything just annoying i guess..and i dont like walking alone and im not sure about when ill be getting in in the afternoon if i have to work...maybe i will be able to find a ride for the semester who knows..

stupid comp

its not picking up the internet anymore so i cant get online...im using yvonnes comp for right now and then ill be back on campus in a couple hours but right now im not sure i want to pay for internet...i dont have the extra money and my comp isnt picking up the wireless in the apartment right now anyway and im not paying for it if i cant even use it...i guess right now it doesnt matter all that much..im going home thursday and then i wont be able to use a comp anyway and then out of town and then home and i have no idea when ill be around a comp again before next friday at least because i really dont want to have to be stuck going to work with mommy and i know she will ask me to go with her and i know i wont say no and then ill maybe even get new clothes out of it....i dont want to go out of town becuaze i need to go work if i can and now i cant and summer school starts soon....so much for a break...ming is permantly banned from my roomm now...she went and took a bathroom break on my bed yet again and sshe got my pillow and i gave her a little credit and since i didnt see all of it i said maybe it was dusti..well it wasnt dusti and now im considering throwing my pillow away because yea its gross...but i dont know...i really need a new comp but i cant get one now and its not like i can just go ask mommy for one since she has to help me pay for school since im pretty much out of fin aid...i hate not having my comp working :( it drives me crazy and then im left to my head and that is not somewhere i want to be at all!!!!!! i dont know...after my exams and things tomorrow ill be able to work on it a little bit since i have to pack and do laundry on wed and then figure out what im gonna be doing with dusti for a while since i wont be around ... right now i really am not liking myself for a couple reasons that i just dont want to get into because its a waste of time and im really a waste of time....

today

there was a surprise dinner party tonight that i ended up cooking for....well i was just making my dinner for tonight and it turned into everyone eating it..and now its all gone so i have to cook again tomorrow instead of having left overs...they all ate fake meat and enjoyed it though lol..not that they knew it was fake meat! hmm what i ate today...(potatos, banana, little bit of applesauce, few chips and salsa, chili/ff crackers, water/ice/diet dr pepper) ..im guessing i got over 1000 cals again...i did wake up and do yoga this morning which was surprisingly calming to do early in the morning...i might stick with it...im not doing it tonight though becausae im tired but ill do it tomorrow morning...i might do a mini workout in my room tonight but we did walk to the store so that helped some too...ill be hanging out on campus tomorrow since i have to go to the bank and the study session so ill just stay on campus to make sure i go!! ill be studying a lot tomorrow too..for tuesday...and then exams are over..so far i have an a and a b im guessing ill end up with 2 a's 2 b's and either a c/d dont know which ...im hoping for a c but i can handle a d ...my gpa for the semster will still be good...3.something but not great...i will have to do better over the summer and in the fall to make up for whatever my econ grade is...i dont think ill out right fail the class but i dont know what my grade will be so ill have to wait and see...umm dusti is running around tonight so i dont know if ill be able to sleep...