day 1 blah blah blah

it took being majorly bored to get me off my butt and working out...more like i spent 20mins slipping on the carpet lol...but still yoga isnt that horrible and it is a workout good grief! but im figuring it to that i can workout in the morning and at night since i wake up early enough to grab the tv before yvonne wakes up and see how far i can get on the other tape....i figure ill work at them until i can do them all the way through but i think 20mins for a first try is ok...not great though..just ok ...i will try the AM workout tomorrow and see how that one goes....i might do the tapes in the morning and then make up my own workout for at night...now since ive started working out again ive got to work on eating less...im not going to go for as low as 500 again for right now...i think ill go for 900/1000 cals and writing down what i eat so ill be able to track them better...i decided i would give up the extra bread and sweets though..plus it saves money...cant eat what i dont buy and there is a ton of water in the houst thanks to mommy buying me cases of water everytime i go home...i will get gatorade though but not until after i go home so for right now ill stick to drinking water...

lets see what i ate today...
waffles
potatos
low fat ice cream/sprinkles
crackers/cheese
pineapple
low cal orange juice
water/ice

hmmm no idea how many cals but it was way to many....something i learned...potatos are fat free..until you add other junk to them..i will have to pull out my other notebook though...have a lot of work to do :S essh

dehydrated....again

what is this the third time ive been dehydrated enough to notice it in the last month! might not have been that many times but im thinking it was actually more than that :S...its happening way to often and its happening enough to make me realize i have to start noticing what im drinking...its probably not a good thing if i really really have to think about it to remember what i have drunk in the past couple days...bad me for not noticing i wasnt drinking enough and purging prolly helped nothing at all...i dont know why i have to keep getting so darn dehydrated...because now i have to drink and it sucks because now i feel so full and im still so thirsty ..and im trying to drink water and it makes me want to go throw up anyway...i put a couple bottles of water in the fridge so i would have them already cold so i cant say i didnt have none to drink...ill make sure i at least finish those tomorrow...i dont think there 20oz bottles though, i think there the 16oz bottles but ill check in the morning and see...i think im gonna have to start buying gatorade again...i can drink those pretty decently and there not way to many cals for a drink...will see the next time i go to the store though..im heading to bed though...really tired..after i finish my water that is :S

bored bored bored

i think i just lost my mind.............boredom has fried my brain and im going crazy..if im considering studying to stay busy then yea somethings wrong! im going to fix something to eat i think ...watch a movie until its time for my friday night cartoons!! if i hadnt like been taken by aliens by then or whatever

avril

Artist: Avril lavigne
Song: Nobody's Home
Album: Under My Skin

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
I's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

music

Alanis Morissette
Jagged Little Pill (1995)
Perfect

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem... why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

boredom kills

i swear it does..im so bored and ive only been up for less than two hours...i dont know what im gonna do with myself once school is really over! i start to annoy myself when i get really bored..i can be a really demanding person about the stupidest stuff! i should go eat and get ready to go anyway...blah

guilt

i hate guilt...it makes me do stupid things to make up for something else...right now i want to just go to sleep but i have to write first....im afraid i am starting to mix cutting and purging again...since ive done both today...very very very bad....to make up for purging i cleaned the house..for no other reason than the fact that i felt horribly guilty for purging and needed to make it ok some how..so i cleaned and since i hate cleaning it served as punishment too...kinda funny i wrote i hate you on my phones message thing and i forgot about it..and one day i turnned my phone off and then back on for somereason and the message came up and i thought my phone was out to get me lol..and then i remembered that i had written it when i was in a bad mood some night...i keep meaning to take it off but i dont want to ..so its still there..im so thirsty right now...im trying to put off drinking anything for right now because im still feeling slighty sick...guess the good part would be i had to stop purging because i was shaking really bad so i went and did something else for a while...i found my bear from susan today, i didnt know it had fallen behind my bed and i had been looking for her...i cleaned up my room completley today...vaccummed and everything and got all the junk from under my bed...its been a long time since ive seen my floor! going out of town in a couple weeks ... ive tried everything to get out of it and i cant...i dont want to go but im worried more about hiding my wrists...ive been picking at them alot today so im just hoping they will get better before i have to go home...i have to do so much stuff..i have to go see arran toomrrow and she will be so disappointed in me and hate me and tell me she wishes i was dead...maybe not the last part.. im jumping around to much tonight...im going to lay down and get some water

better day .. i guess

today has been a better day although i woke up really annoyed and cut anyway....i ended up coming home late last night and yvonne hadnt been back at all and i was just like ok no problem she must have went out and she will be back later .... now keeping dusti and ming in the same room for to long just isnt a smart idea and so after a couple hours i had to take ming downstairs to give myself a break from the both of them fighting and whatnot...i end up staying downstairs for a couple hours and falling asleep on the couch but yvonne doesnt show up so i have to take ming back to my room and close the door so neither one of them can get out and both of them slept in my bed with me after chasing each other for another good hour...i was so annoyed with yvonne because she didnt tell me she wasnt coming home and she didnt ask if i would keep ming for her..it just kinda fell on me..so anyway i wake up this morning and have two messages from her letting me know she wouldnt be back last night and i dont know when i got them but if it was last night i didnt hear my phone ringing...so ive already go to campus turned in my work and worked and came back and yvonne still hasnt been back...so ming and dusti are both hanging out in my room again while im trying to clean up all the junk ming has managed to pull under my bed ... and i have to find all my paint and stuff that i have left all over my floor from the weekend...only two more exams to go :S

i went and talked to my teachers today too and if i hear one more person tell me they are proud of me ill scream!! we talked about what i was doing over the summer...and staying in touch with them thrroughout my time in the program....and checking in with one of them once a week...which i dont have a problem with..its the going home and having to email that i have a problem with..my mood is hardly ever good at home and its not like my teachers dont know i cant write...they will prolly learn quickly that making me write is the quickest way to get information out of me... i will miss prof dunn though since iwont be seeing her over the summer...although im sure that if i asked she would come to campus to talk to me for a little while...ill see dr bass until july and then i wont be seeing either of them for a while...they arent teaching any of my classes next semester...im hoping prof dunn will teach another of my classes but if not i wont be seeing her unntil the graduate program if i stay here...just a lot of decision making today on my part and i just suck at doing that! so right now we have a two week schedule for what im supposed to be doing and then we will figure something else out...

thinking ...to much

i have been thinking alot lately about what it means to be a cutter and ive come up with a few things...well maybe ive just been coming back to the same things....being a cutter in a sense means i am invisible...almost all cutters are invisible...not because we are so called normal people but because by cutting we are condemning ourselves to an act that never gets talked about. so it doesnt happen and it doesnt exist. i have taken enough psych, sociology and even social work classes to know its not talked about ever...everytime i go to one of those classes i always check the back of the book to see if it says anything about cutting...most of the time it doesnt .... when it does it is just a couple sentences stuck in the 5 pages on borderlines...its not fair at all because if it doesnt get talked about all of us will disappear one day...most of the media coverage of s/i makes up into attention seeking minoins...god if i was looking for attention in getting caught at cutting i wouldnt spend all my time hiding them...i wouldnt take care of the cuts and then i wouldnt voluntarily take myself to the doctor when they get infected...if i wanted the attention or the task of explaining what happened i would wear shorts and tanktops and not care what anyone thought about all the scars..it really isnt there business all the same and im pretty sure i wouldnt be questioned to often about them but i would be questioned just enough to make me afraid...i feel bad enough explaing the few that can be seen..i wouldnt be able to say anything about all of them at once...there are to many in the same areas to make them easy to explain..it is really hard to explain how i cant talk about someone having a baby without acting like a 5yr old and i cant get my eyebrows waxed without hitting the person doing them and how i start laughing everytime i talk someone into giving me a massage on my back but i can sit still and cut myself with a razor or burn myself with s&i without thinking twice about it....it doesnt make any sense....i would rather hide them and die in my jacket...its rare i hear about it but when i do it annoys me because its not true the way it is explained...its not always true...it isnt fair that s/i has to be grouped with someother mental thing..sometimes it doesnt come with anything but the person doing it immediatly has a group of mental disorders....how do you just talk about cutting with someone who isnt a doctor and sometimes doctors dont understand either...how do you talk about it without making yourself sound completely crazy...im not crazy..well maybe i am, i consider myself crazy but i dont want anyone else to think im crazy because i do everything im suposed to do break down or not...i go to class and work, make sure dusti gets taken care of and have a decent convo with my roommate when at the same time all i can think about it cutting if things are getting way out of control...but no one knows that...and if they do i am very very careful to not bring it up to often... and since im trying not to cry ill stop...dont know if ill ever finish this one

much better

dont know what was going on last night but im feeling alot better today....i got like 12 hours of sleep last night and im not feeling stressed or anything right now..i am still annoyed i binged so much yesterday but im trying not to be to mean about it...today will be better and i dont feel like eating anymore so that is good...i have to go to work later but im going in early today i think so i will have more time to work on my assignments due tomorrow..and to get ready for my appt with my teachers ...im trying not to let myself stress out to much right now because its a toss up between cutting and purging and right now i dont want either of them...today is just a slow day without having to rush about with classes and things...i am glad classes are over though! now if only msn would stop messing up so much

sleep

in a very very bad mood...going to bed...dont feel good either...

bum day

yesterday was like bum day to the max....i did just about nothing except crave salt for most of the day and so i ate a ton of popcorn but i made chili too and it toned out really good so i was proud of that! but today i have to do homework because its due tomorrow so i cant put it off! but im gonna go play video games for a little bit anyway...and do laundry but not clean...ill do that tomorrow... its gotten cold again here..so thats good but i really wish the weather would make up its mind!..i just finished storing away my sweaters and then it goes and gets cold again...not to much interesting though...i want to take a nap and ive only been up a couple hours

everythings ending

wow the semester ends on monday...this year has gone by so so fast...this semester has been so hard..well not really class wise but everything else wise...i have a family paper to do that i really dont want to do but i ahve to...i told my teacher that i didnt want to do it when i had to talk to her but i dont want specail treatment either...i can do the work it just takes more to get it done...but ive actually started it and i have 14 pages so far..i think it sucks and i havent organized it good but im trying...i even did the genogram and ecomap decently...i have a bunch of journals to finish for my other teacher and a take home test and then im done with that class too...and i have to figure out when my last of work will be so i can tell david...i have to figure out when im going home and when i have to be back but ill base that around when my next appt with arran will be once i see her on thursday...i know ill have to go home in july but i dont know for how long...im hoping to work on campus so i dont have to go home but i know ill have to take like a week off in july to go home because laura is coming back to see me :) and because i really do have to work as much i can because i dont have fin aid anymore and i dont konw how im gonna pay for the next year and a half of school..that really has me worried right now...and i know my mom said she would figure something out to make sure i got the money on time but that is really asking for a lot of money and my sisters school has to be paid to and now i really hate that i screwed up so bad my first couple years...but i cant do anything about that right now...ill just have to see what happens and how much my school will be for the fall and go from there....it sucks ive gotten behind in everything lately...i ha ve to clean and do laundry today and homework too...but ill clean my room first cas its just annoying me now...oh i said i would fill out some questionaire thing for a girl from another school and its about s/i and abuse and i looked at the questions and they surprised the heck out of me...not to mention made me really nervous...so ill have to do those today too...

havent purged again ... cutting is same old same old...im getting the hang of being vegetarian again...i found fake corn dogs are soooooo good :) and i like making italin potatos and those are really good to..and french fries are my fav food but im working on not eating those so much...i made a cake the other day with fake eggs and it was pretty good...im making chili today i think...havent decided...i might just do corn dogs again...talked to my mom yesterday and got the no carb talk again...and then went and got french fries for the hell of it....i hate being me..i really do..so i have to go back to counting cals correctly...lately i just guess and avg and even then most days im not getting to far above 1200 if i even make it that high...i have no idea what else im supposed to be giving up...the only thing i seriosuly eat is bread cas i just really like bread...and my mom must think im like her and nia and eat pasta every chance i get when i dont...pasta is not a huge favorite of mine and i rarely eat it anymore because i just dont really like it ... ok ill stop now before i ruin my mood again...

oh i got a bunch of new paint the other day it was really cool i got them on sale online and it was a pretty good buy but all the same shipping and handling can be expensive lol...got a couple new cheap movies..nothing to interesting i guess

disconnected

im feeling very disconnected right now...kinda foggy just not there feeling..if i wasnt sitting down i think i would fall..maybe i have an inner ear infection or maybe i shouldnt have cut so much...which ever works....3 times in two days i should be ashamed of myself but i dont care...when i get home today i will put meds on them but today the choice was between crying or cutting and i didnt pick crying and im not going to for the reason i cut but i want to cry for cutting..actually i want to cry for wanting to die so much...to much thinking and writing about suicide lately..to much thinking about susan and what she did...to much thinking about me...i have to see arran tomorrow but its not about me thankfully...i have to do an interview and she let me do her so i have to go tomorrow afternoon...i hope she doesnt ask how i am..it would suck to have to talk about me...i think i need to go get a drink or something and go work for a little while.

everything i cant have

my head is going into overdrive again...i want to cut and things seems to be going downhill quicker than i can find something to do...i was watching my fav tv show today and it just brought up all the feelings i have about having kids...i dont want kids at all, thinking about it just makes me hurt but at weird times like today i really really really want kids and i doubt ill ever have any...i dont know where this is going so ill stop now

ugh

shoot me plz i swear ill never ever ever drink again

out of it

im so drunk at the mometn..i drunk way to mucch tonight and ill be crying bloody murder tomorrow...i was so irresponsible with my drinking tonight and i did drink way to much and yvonne came home sooner than expected and she spent the past couple hours putting up with me in a drunk state...she feed me water and bread till i thought i was gonna be sick but im writting this down to so i dont forget..im sure ill be thinking other things happened tonight but im going to bed while i c an still make it and im just glad i dont have my 8oclock tomororw

]

long day i think

dusti woke me up early this morning...or it might have been something to do with the fact that i was freezing with the window open and had to wake up to close it...but dusti was back and forth on my bed this morning wanting to be petted so i did that and was half asleep and finally got up...went to the international fest today and it was fun but it would have been better if it wasnt so cold or windy...but there was a lot going on and i ran into catrina but didnt really have time to talk...im sure ill get an email from her soon though...i was worried i would run into my teacher but i didnt and that was good...i got my name written in japensese but i lost it before i left and i have no idea where it went but i really wanted it...spent most of the day at that and came home and helped yvonne with mario for a bit and we walked to the store and made tacos for dinner..fake meat of course! and it was pretty good .. at least edible! and we did that for dinner and watched a movie and i was trying not to fall asleep but then i checked my phone and had a bunch of messages from taly and there most likely a bout going out tonight and i am dying to get wasted for a little while but i dont know if im going yet...and she hasnt called me back so i really dont know ...still fighting the urge to go throw up dinner eventhough throwing up now would be pointless...but i still feel full and it makes throwing up seem like a good thing to do but i cant because yvonne is home ... i will have to tell aaran about the purging and i dont want to but i know i have to..maybe not have to but should...i dont want the purging to get out of hand but nights like last night when i wasnt even planning on purging and it just came out of no where and really did hurt big time...i was afraid i would start throwing up blood again but i didnt..i think maybe ill lay down for a little while soon...but yea have to remember to tell aaran..have to remember not to purge again...but im not cutting..sucky me its only been about a week anyway

sick

purged...guilt..cleaned up the kitchen to make up for it....tired

not surprised anymore..

the shock of talking has worn off and now im just scared...im changing and i dont think i like it...not even big changes either..just small non important ones but changing all the same...i keep thinking about what will happen to me if i really start talking..i keep thinking i will die if i talk..i think to much about stuff...im scared i will get in trouble..i dont want things to change and they are

surprised!

i dont know if i want to be proud of myself or slap myself for talking today...and i mean more than my usual talking with my doc...i told her about being a kid or at least what i knew from being a kid and some of what i was doing with like outside of school stuff and a little bit about my mom but not much...surprisingly time goes much faster when you actually talk...more surprsingly the owrld hasnt come to an end because i talked to her..im not like missing any major body parts and i dont know...im just weirded out with talking ..a little bit for right now...im calmer than i was thing morning but still feel like cutting for different reasons...trying not too...i have to work on mindfullness again for homework for my doc...and i dont have any new info on if shes leaving or not...and i talked her into letting me paint at my next appt :) im bringing my paint because ive collected a bunch of differnt colors lately..and i like my colors and my paint! oh well im at work trying to make up a couple hours so im going back to work some now...ill write more soon

thinking

ive done a lot of thinking about what happened yesterday and it was an extremely nervewrecking situation for me...it was a lot about what i was feeling about what had happened and explaining why i thought it had happened...i know they want to help and i know they are trying to help and be supportive and keep me in the program and i am glad i think but i dont know...did i really want my teacher to find out? i thought i had done a good job writing about cutting without giving myself away and i didnt and i relalyl should have known better...i mean these are social workers who have been doing this for forever and i must be the most naive person alive to think she wouldnt have figured it out eventually...i mean i was seriously shocked when she asked about it...but did i want her to and even if i might have wanted her to no where in there did i want her to go tell my other teacher...if i had to pick two teachers that did know then there ok because i do like them and look up to them..i mean i told my teacher i was mad at her! and she was ok with it..i mean she told me she was ok with it...i havent figured it out yet...im ok with them knowing now that i know where they stand on it i guess...but theres still a part of me that wishes no one knew...i should have known it wouldnt stay a secret in the social work program though...im so stupid sometimes

i still suck..and presleep update

right now my head is feeling really foggy...ive trying to go over what i talked about today and have since i was able to leave my teachers office. which they have another meeting set up so they can see if i am doing what i need to do if my doc leaves. i even told my teach i wasnt ok with her more so what she did by telling my other teacher..and she was ok with that too..i know i wont stay mad at her though because i do know why she did it..they made sure i knew why she did it and they made me say it so they knew i knew...but its not the first time its happened to me either...i somehow manage to find the people who will find a way to make me talk if i want to or not...so now two of my teachers know about the cutting which i had to admit to sincee they both knew already but i still had to say it...im trying really hard to trust them and what they say..im tried really hard to trust arran and now she might be leaving. i dont want her to leave..i dont want her to forget and im still trying hard not to deal with it...im being forced in a way to deal with it...my teachers want to know ill be ok...and they want to know what i will be planning to do without my doc if she does leave...and until today i had forgotten completely about what happens at the end of july :( not a good time at all to be without a doc of any sort...i dont know...so much stuff to think about

updating on this one to save time and im out of headings at the moment...feeling like a huge pig but drinking juice right now....hmm what did i eat today.. literally a not even a spoon full of yogurt and a half a bite of a brownie..well yvonne called it a crumb of brownie cas i ended up watching her eat lunch cas i didnt like mine...so i had ice for lunch and a lil bit of a drink..then i was a dork and ate pretzels and candy in one of my classes because i was so hungry...and then had spaghetti o's and toast for dinner...so yea ive been a pig today...i should starve...but anyway ..drinking juice to help get some fluids in cas i can be sure i havent had more than 30oz of fluids..guessing of course..cas i didnt bother drinking my water and i drunk off of one 20oz all day and im not finished it yet...and i had a lil water and now juice and since im sleepy i most likely wont be drinking anything else today....i really do know i should drink more but i dont know..just cant...so i went to the peta website yesterday for what ever reason and was looking around it and ran into the video part of it..now i know im easily impressionable and i knew i shouldnt have watched the videos i did but i watched them anyway and to say they were harsh is putting it lightly! god i feel so guilty for having eggs and milk in the fridge...im afraid to eat the eggs and milk in the fridge...im afraid to eat anything that has to do with animals right now...i cant eat it..its freaking me out...im thinking i should prolly mention to my doc that i stopped eating meat and just about everything else too ...i have a lot to mention to my doc it seems :S

rainy day

its another rainy day and its cold again..which is the only thing im glad about right now! i went to bed last night around midnight and woke up at 4 for some reason thinking it was time to get up and it wasnt when i bothered to check my phone to see what time it was and catch my alarm before it could go off...so i went back to bed and had to really fight to get bck up...but i did and im going to classes and we got like a day extinsion on one of my papers and im still gonna try to get it finished today so i dont have to worry about it...im sick of writing papers and the 15 page family one still needs to be done and soon...im sick of school period for right now...im only taking one semester of summer classes..i want a break...im still really feeling nervous about meeting my teachers, i dont want to go to class because im scare d and i hate being scared...but i have to go to class and i have to turn in my work...completely horrible or not ill turn it in...i want to go back to bed but i have a test to study for tonight...i know im gonna get dehydrated again and im giving myself a couple days before i start feeling it...i was thinking about it this morning while i was waiting for a but and i didnt drink much yesterday i know and im pretty sure i havent been drinking much for the few days before that...so i dont know...right now im not doing anything ..i eat occansionally but i dont drink as much as i know i should..i have water with me for breakfast because i dont like eating so early in the morning but i havent opened that yet either and i dont know when i will...gotta go to class..will be around again soon i think

last night

last night was the worse night of sleep i had in a while...dusti was being a pain and getting into stuff...i really need to get all the junk off my floor but i cant till this weekend when i have some time...i just couldnt sleep last night and my arm was hurting a lot and that had some to do with it...i just want tomorrow to be over and done with...i need to know what my teacher told my other teacher and what will happen to me..

everything sucks

everything sucks right now...im just trying not to cry...to much is going on and i dont want to talk to my teachers...everyone will find out and everyone will hate me and ill be taken out of school and then i will be in a hell of a lot of trouble..this would be the main reason why i dont talk...it cant just stay where its supposed to..i dont want anymore support i want everyone to go away and leave me alone...

im back

well the weekend is over and im glad for that...it wwas fun with riley and harris although they got on my nerves with the rubberband guns..the parade was nice and long and it was major cold out but still lots of ppl showed up..the street fest was fun, we potted plants and played games and watched some of the dancers...i miss dancing but i cant dance anymore..but anyway it was nice..riley and harris got a bunch of free stuff too...and i had olivia lasat night too and i missed her and shes is a sweetheart to babysit...but we all piled on harris's bed last night and watched care bear movies lol...i mean four of us on a queen size bed i swore olivia was gonna fall off but she didnt..and eventually they all fell asleep and i was fighting sleeping to so i could stay up for her dad to come and pick her up...and then harris came and got in the bed with me this morning and that was cool...everytime i moved he moved and since i was facing away from him and i was sleeping in a weird position he ended up falling asleep on the back of my arm and then he moved and was sleeping on my back for a while and eventually i woke up and moved him so i could get up...we are going to disney land in oct though...will prolly start planning that one more over the summer to see if im still going ang everything...i have so much work to do today and well just by wed...i NEED to finish those stupid journals today though and i will if its the last stupid thing i do...i have to find chapter 7 journals again cas ive done those already and i hope i saved it! ummm spent a ton of money at the store and mommy yelled about what i bought dusti but i had been planning on getting her a bed for like forever and not got around to it yet and i had extra money today so i picked up some things for her and me...and to say sorry for leaving her for the weekend...the next thing on the list to get her is a scratching post and a nail clipper...i spent a lot of money on groceries too...the usual fruit and juice and bread and i actually got some meatless well fake meat stuff...ill tell yvonne im offically veggie when she gets back on monday....i had completely forgotten she was going out of town and wouldnt be back till monday night...oh well im enjoying the peace and quiet..its been such a busy weekend and im tired..i have to clean my room to today...and finish putting up groceries and doing homework..but i think ill work on homework first while im still in a decent mood...as soon as my mom left i was in a decent mood...i have to plan out some way to cram in two hours of exercise a day though...as if i have the extra time but ill find someway...most likely wake up an hour earlier to give myself the time..doesnt count as losing weight if you arent exercising so ive been told to exercise and i guess i will...annoyed my mom decided to mention that she wanted to make me and nia go against each other to see who could lose the most weight...nia doesnt really need to lose weight though...i do yea but not her...i think somehow someone needs to make longer days ... they never seen to have enough time to them...

i hate parties

im at work but theres a break in activity for now so im back online....riley and harris are fine but the more the day goes on the more drunk dee and her friends are getting..and they are all in and out of the house and all driving..which isnt cool at all..to many people hanging around her house today..given they are funny to watch drunk but its not safe with all the kids around in the neighborhood either..i have to find something to cook for dinner...no idea what im gonna make either since dee seems to be out of everything at the moment...sherry told me she loved my mmom and i just wanted to hit her for a sec...i swear i have to keep my temper in check better..geez i didnt realize it was already 6...the time change has messed up my schedule..it doesnt look like it should be 6 and so im just like ok its to early to cook but its not..ill go in a sec too....ive been eating all day today, junk food at that..which sucks big time and also means i wont be eating much next week...got a bunch of new clothes yesterday and some more shoes...didnt really want them but i got them anyway...eventually im pretty sure ill nneeed the semi dressy clothes...get dressed up and go to dinner or something with yvonne one night...the puppy fell asleep in the closet lol he has his cute moments too...i miss dusti lots right now..have a headache but im off to get some work done..well find something for them to have for dinner at least

neverending thoughts

i prolly should have eaten this morning but there was nothing i wanted...im hungry kinda but i dont feel like eating yet..ill eat before work ithink...most likely ill go get a bagel to eat at work...havent finished packing..i have to get dusti set up to stay here for the weekend...good thing yvonne is staying till saturday at least...and then ill be back sunday afternoon im hoping..

my teacher emailed me back and she still isnt giving me the answer im looking for...what she says makes since but whatever im trying to ask about i havent managed to do yet and its annoying me...i just know it hasnt been answered...i havent finished chapter 8 yet still...i should finish it...i have every intention of finishing it but its taking forever...im scared of it for some reason and its not even that hard..changing behaviors...i dont know..something about it is really throwing me off.. and i know if i keep emailing my teacher about it she will ask to see me and ill go and still not be ablee to figure out what the heck im trying to say or ask...ive thought about it none stop for the past few days and i stilll cant figure it out..

im really cold right now..the air is blasting in the lab and freezing me...i left my jacket at home actually today..but i have on long sleeves too...not the thickest shirt i own so im really cold right now and 9 to 10 my fingers are turning blue again..but since i did my nails last night i cant tell anymore...kinda sucks my fingers turn blue sitting in the computer lab...im pretty sure thats not a normal everyday occurence...and it takes forever for me to warm up again...outside in the sun or not....

going home tonight...dont really want to go home, but promised i would..so im going home..and leaving dusti here..and i dont want her to stay here but its better that she does this time...and i better get back to working on the journal...while i have a bti of time and no way to do anything 'bad' if i start freaking out...

hungry...not

i purged,,,i swore i wouldnt but i cant cut and i had to do something..it hurt though...more than usually but maybe it was because i was seriously out of practice...i dont know..i mean geez what did i eat today...2 bb muffins, cereal and toast but i purged some of that...pineapple and some crackers...i ate to much yea but i shouldnt have done the purge bit again...i dont want to get back into every day with it...but im not cutting either..ive come to hate tradeoffs

shame

its days like today when i really hate myself for what ive done...i have to realize everything at once...everything i cant do anymore...its so hot here and you would think my jacket was glued to me...i cant wear shorts and even though i will wear short sleeves my jacket is close by all the time..i cant be sure what will happen and i might need my jacket...i cant go to the pool and thats all i wanted to do today...its not like before when i just had a few scars on my legs..now i have like huge burns on both of my legs..its not so easy hiding a burn that big without jeans...i cant go without my watch or wrist band ever again...although i wasreally careful and only cut my wrist where i can hide it but its a pain and when i do have my watch off its kinda obvious something is going on with my arm...how can i not be ashamed of what ive done...there are so many things i cant do anymore....not that i might have even cared before but now i do and it makes me want to cry but i cant do that so i have to just hate myself more...i think thats a bad topic for my journal..i cant give blood...one because ive tried and they couldnt get any...ive done the doctor thing and i hope i never ha ve to have blood drawn again...it took two days and a two docs to find one working vein and draw just one tube...i wasnt happy...they made me drink for two days so i wouldnt be so dehydrated..it sucked and i wasnt even feeling dehydrated at the time but i was...i have good reasons to never go to a doctor again...my thoughts are back and forth today...

pain...randomness

i am in way to much pain right now..i have to fight to urge to just go throw something at the wall...im in a bad mood...completely annoyed for freaking out and emailing my teacher...i should have known better and i should have calmed way downw before emailing...

three blogs in one day...i must be bored


i actually listened to my pure moods cd today...i havent listened to it in over 4 years...i had forgotten how much i liked it..

im to hot right now...its to hot outside and its making my room mega hot...i hate being to hot because i cant just like pull on a tank top and walk around in it..its gonna be 81 freakin degrees tomorrow and ill refuse to take off my jacket as usual..i think ill die in my jacket...

does it hurt to die? i dont know..maybe it only hurts if it doesnt work...i watched 28 days tonight..maybe thats why im thinking of suicide...i had forgotten there was a suicide in that movie...it was still a good movie though...i need a new movie selection...mine are kinda depressing but i like them...there are a few i want to get that wouldnt be a good idea to have but ill get them anyway...

i really wish yvonne would get back..to get her puppy and i want to go to bed....maybe ill sleep with music tonight .. im gonna start purging again...well im trying not to but going home makes me choose between cutting and purging and its easier to hide puurging...i cant cut or burn for that matter because im still having trouble walking with the cuts i ha ve now...and riley and harris have sharp elbows..they manage to poke me right where i dont need to be poked..and its not like they know why but it hurts..the closer i get to going home the more i feel like purging..but im not eating enough to make purging worth...i dont know..i hmmm i dont know what im thinking about tonight

my computer is seriously breaking too...

nothing else can happen this year..please dont let anything else happen this year

dumb

im so stupid sometimes...i really should have figured out what was happening but for some reason i didnt get it till today...so yea i know why im not feeling good...given my stupid leg is still part of it but not all of it...annnd so i skipped work to come home..so know im just trying to work on homework and what not and not barf on my computer..

cant skip class..

if i say it enough maybe i will believe it too...im so not feeling good and i think it has something to do with my leg but im not sure...i hope they arent geting infected but im guessing they are and that sucks...walking makes me feel like im gonna barf to put it nicely...i dont want to go to work either but i havent missed any classes in histroy persay and going and feeling so sick might not be the best tidea ive ever had but i dont know...i have completely forgotten about different assignments that i need to turn in soon and now i have a bunch of stuff due next week and no time to do it in...this is a very very bad weekend to go home...but i cant break the promise i made to riley and harris and its not like i cant use the extra money..so home i go and ill be doing homework im hoping on friday i guess...before i start working...but at least i got the interview with yvonne out of the way...it isnt the best interview ive ever done but i got it done and it was long enough now i just have to write it out...and i have to finish journals and another paper and a test i had really forgotten about...im not going to my meeting this week because im going home and im missing the weekend stuff with them but i cant really do anything about that and ill have to help out at the next one...time is not liking me much these days..and i hate being so easily distracted...

sometimes i just dont know....

its at weird times like today when i have no idea what is going on with me...im completely calmer than i have been for the past week and all it took was a 45min talk with my teacher..well her talking and me listening but shes learned quickly not to let me get away with not talking...shes knows i can and just kinda stop myself from doing it...she picked up on the yes thing too...not to mention she has a pretty good memory to remember what i told her from the first time i talked to her...so i went to talk to her and i asked her about therapy and if it works and she advised i stick with it...new doc or not...im not sure i will but ill keep it in mind...right now im still holding out for staying with aaron but if that doesnt work out..i think ill take a bbit of time off from therapy...find out if ill be able to go and everything...but ill wait and at least make an effort to talk to aaran about it more next time...i think shes worried..i did get a bit quieter in the last session but i had a lot of info to process and everything and i didnt want to talk about it yet...still dont but its done nothing but bother me...i never thought aaran would leave...me yea but not her...what i wouldnt give to be able to talk but i cant..more like i wont..ill be stuck in therapy forever trying to get over that one...so weird needing to be validated from other people cas im not doing it for myself..maybe i just dont know how or havent mastered not hating myself yet...i dont know...

i got new paint today...4 new colors and some small canavs's//since the big ones really scare me a bit lol..not like paper can jump at me or something but having to fill up that much space is scary. so i got small ones to start and see how it goes...ill have to try not to ruin them since these are not reg painting paper. not feeling great though...headache and all that good stuff...worried about going home with all the new cuts and what not...still trying to figure out a way to hide them successfully ...

flying

im tired..so i guess im getting ready for bed in some way but i know it will be a bad night sleeping..ill have to think about getting some more first aid junk tomorrow...i am doing a horrible job managing time but i seriously doubt ill make it to the store...i have to do the journals ive been putting off..im going to talk to her anyway tomorrow..im getting so behind in that class...i just sit in class and half listen..i dont need to do that..tomorrow both my monday classes are back in and that will be a bit harsh but oh well, i like human behavior and we are on erikson and i like his theories....its not like i would skip those classes...ive done really well with not skipping my monday/wed classes...the only one i really skip is econ and im working on stopping that one too...now if only i would pay attention in classes...my attention span is seriously getting lower...i let my thoughts get the best of me but sometimes what im thinking just gets my full attention..class or not...so ill see how i manage tomorrow...trying to find my other jacket cas i have to wash my white one to take it home..im going home..i really really wish i wasnt now...i shouldnt have called home when i did today and i knew as soon as it got on the topic of what i was wearing i should have kept my mouth closed and not say anything but i couldnt do that...i just set myself up to get in trouble and it was stupid and i was stupid for taking it so far and now i have a bad feeling ive set myself up for trouble...i shouldnt have mentioned not wanting to wear capris over jeans...now i have to wear them to keep my mom from asking to see my legs or something..and i dont want to wear them, didnt want to wear them to begin with and now im suckered into the whole thing...why do i have to dress up to be stuck with a couple of kids all day? im not expecting to see anyone i know there and ill be in the kids area anyway who will know me? its not like anyone would be looking for me except riley and harris and they just dont really care what i wear as long as im with them...i hate clothes, i hate phones,i hate myself for losing my temper..ive really got to stop doing that...got it back under control i guess but then that would bring up why i wont be sleeping tonight...i shouldnt have cut today...i sholdnt have cut yesterday...i shouldnt have started..today has been so so long..im not looking forward to tomorrow

not much i guess

im using yvonnes computer tonight....im actually up later than she is...that has never happened!! my teeth hurt...im gonna have to chill with the ice...its starting to hurt to much to eat it....i wasted dinner again tonight...ended up eating cookies for dinner...yea so not healthy...but i made spaghetti and didnt like it and ill throw it away tomorrow...i really wanted to make something else but the potatos in the store just looked kinda gross...im trying to stay awake...im watching a movie...the haunting, its been a while since ive seen it but i consider it to be a good movie..so ill see how much i make it through tonight...yvonne is going home tomorrow after her play thing..not much to say tonight..to late and to tired i guess