christmas eve

today is christmas eve and i dont think i care...i cant scrape up enough of anything right now to be happy about and all i want to do is get tomorrow and next week over with so i can leave again...i got a new bag yesterday and my boots came in and they are actually to big for my lower leeg and i cant walk in them either...im guessing by now i should have had more practice with walking in heels but i dont and so i look like im so wobbly on them...kinda funny if i really want to think about it but i guess once im used to them it iwll be ok...have to help cook tonight and tomorrow and my and nia finished all our shopping yesterday and i used a heck of a lot of money but its ok i guess i still have a little for chicago just to take with me..and well i wont give away my g ifts yet but i know most of them already...i got dusti a gift to but i opened it and set it up for her last night ..i dont think she really gets how to play with it but i hope she will considering its almost the same type of toy as me sticking a feather in the fan for her to play with..now that was entertaining..oh me and nia bought a family fued game for the house and played it last night with henry at well 1 in the morning..3 rounds and henry was playing by hisself and me and nia still lost two rounds! but it was a lot of fun and i think we will play again tonight when they get back...

lots of thoughts

thinking about it today i really cant believe christmas is this weekend..it feels nothing like christmas and ive been in a horrible mood and just not really looking forward to it at all...i found out today that in addition to going to chicago we are going to michigan and its bad enough having to be stuck in the car for that long just to go to chicago but going from one place to another in the car in the span of like 4 days is just a lot of sitting still...it gets annoying after a while and we are just taking the reg car and i just know ill end up sitting next to mommy and already im nervous and scareda bout it...never know what will happen in close spaces with mommy and its not like my wrist is up to being noticed much...im just glad it will be horribly cold there...which reminds me i need to find my boots and get them out...

today really hasnt been one of my better days and its all i can do not to go and cut and ive thought about it enough to explain away why i did it and the more i think about it the more i know ill do it before i wake up tomorrow..i just want to hurt in a way..no clear reason why just a random need to know ive done something im not supposed to do i think..still feeling horrible for thinking about it though..i dont know..beisdes being a major pig lately and thats stopping to if i have to convince myself of something stupid to do it...still i have been eating way to much and going home does suck in the aspect that i cant eat the way i normally do and its hard being home with all the junk food around when i dont even allow myself to buy it at school...sucks but ill get it under control again and without b/p..cant do that at home..actually just to big of a chance of getting caught at home and so i cant do it...which in itself is a big deal for me but to the avg person i guess it isnt..oh well iguess..i think im just throwing myself a pity party..and a one person pity party is just blah but good grief i can be really depressing when i want to be

ssdd

i hate my life

long day

today has been the longest day ever and i havent even done anything worth talking about...im watching the grinch again the old one and ive seen it like 4 times already this month and for some reason it doesnt get old...guess this is one of those cartoons that really doesnt get old and i watch it every year and ill prolly watch it ever single year just for the heck of it...but anyway annoyed yet again becasue the boots i want keep selling out before i can get them and that sucks royally because now im stuck with a pair that will be ok but im not sure will fit my leg and its so annoying but all the same since i need some for the trip ill be getting them tomorrow and will just see how it will work out..

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

hmmm

i could have finished my other post but thats ok..ill hmm no i wont finish it anytime soon...but anyway i found out yesterday that dee wants me to go with them to the bahamas and i cant go because i dont have a passport and wont be able to get one intime unless i learn something different when i go home but im not holding my breathe on it..yes it would be fun abd yes i would get paid but its not the end of the world either and i will be getting a passport now incase something else like this comes up good grief...

this semester is finally over completely...no more finals and my grades are all in and i can start christmas break...the normal person would be a bit happier about it than i am but i have nothing to look forward too..i found out i got all A's this semester and for 10 minutes i was really really happy about it..but now im just like ok why did i have to go and make all A's now of all times...it cant get any better than that and i guess ppl are just gonna expect i can get really good grades and ill never get a bad grade again..guess its just a lot to live up too :( just mixed feelings about the whole thing

freezing yet again

its majorly cold here today and for some reason my room just stays cold..no idea why and yvonne room stays warm..go figure...as much as i like being cold i would rather my room didnt have subzero weather in it..i told yvonne yesterday that if my room got any colder i could make it snow in here...prolly could too..hmm my own winter wonderland not a bad idea...hmmm not feeling good right now but i guess that would pass to if i would go eat and stop throwing up dinner...i was cleaning up downstairs for yvonne because allen is coming over and spending the night and well she is having company and i voluntered to help out and so i was cleaning and i got downstairs finished but now i have a really bad headache and i just want to go to bed for a while...walking around half dressed prolly isnt helping anything either and i should know better than to walk outside in a tshirt bad me...and eating ice isnt helping either..the colder it gets the more i want ice..odd combination considering im pretty sure being cold and eating ice at the same time doesnt do much to raise my body temp and then i just stay cold for longer periods of time...but now im expecting it to snow and soon! it so looks like snow weather and i really want it to snow before i leave and knowing my luck it wont snow at all infact it will prolly go back up in the 70s just to spite me..oh well and if i could predict the weather i would so make it snow for the heck of it and since it annoys me to no end that ppl swear justcas its nc we wont get snow..maybe ill put it on my christmas list...the last time i was at home with riley and harris and cameron and william we ended up talking about santa claus and i know that i dont believe in it and havent ****something came up..will finish later***

ugh....rant

ok so i got back my group grade and it pushes my final grade up to an 89..of all freaking things to get i have to be that darn close to getting an A and not getting one at the same time! i have no idea if Dr Bunch will give me an A or not and that sucks big time...i mean im really hoping she does but if not its not like i can hold it against her but good grief the whole thing just sucks majorly right now...i have one A so far and thats for a different class but two finals to go and then im done and then i dont know..home and christmas and a vacation all in three weeks...i dont really want to go home at all but not like i can get out of it either...but anyway it seems im back in therapy...i went today and it turned out ok i guess..i talked she listened and i like the other place better but they werent asking me for my thoughts on the matter anyway...something i realized well besides me being a dork and everything but the teachers and what not just assumed i would go back..for some reason i didnt doubt that they would trust me to tell the truth and when i got asked about it today i dont know why i didnt lie about all of it and just not go back if i didnt want too...weird i guess..maybe ill ask my advisor about it but it is kinda interesting to think about...considering i lie to mommy every other day but i wont lie to my teachers..and im not even really sure why not...i mean yea lying to my teachers would take a heck of a lot of work but i think if they ever found out i had lied that would lessen there view of me or something and i dont want that...so they get the truth and some of them are extradinarily patient in waiting for it because i can look at the wall for a good while before answering questions but yea now i want to know why they trust me..but anyway i learned today to that i can take the bus and go to my appts fine but its one heck of a walk through the hospital parking lots..good grief i thought i was walking for days and i had to go all the way around the hospital but crossing the street didnt kill me and depending on where i cross at i should be ok and manage to handle it...although thinking about it last night just completely stressed me out and i was worried but i had to do it and maybe that helped some..but i guess im going back..and at least i did tell her i wasnt sure i wanted to come back and that has its weird points but i guess she was ok with me telling her that...and of course now i have to make another treatment plan and i suck horribly at making them but geez i got homework so i guess ill just have more thinking to do.

tired

writing a lot lately b ut if i dont then my head will just explode or something...im tired but i know i was sleeping last night and at the same time it feels like i stayed up all night not sleeping...i guess i was just stuck somewhere between really sleeping and being half awake...all the same im up now and ready to go back to bed...ive been eating a heck of a lot of ice lately and im starting to think i need to go back and have my iron checked...lucky guess tells me its lower than it was the last time they checked and i havent really helped it much since i stopped taking the vitamins i was supposed to take months ago...ill go after christmas i guess and let them tell me the bad news but im not sure i want to go do that either because i dont want to have to take iron pills when i can barely remember to take anything else on time...blah one more thing ill have to worry about or i could just keep doing what im doing and sleep away most of the day...so anyway last night i was up not sleep talking to myself and trying to figure out what my head is trying to tell me...talk about cryptic messages good grief i could drive myself crazy trying to figure my head out...a lot of what i was thinking about anyway had to do with going back to therapy and realizing that i dont really what to go back...outside of just missing my doc i was never good at the talking thing and having to talk just makes me not want to bother with it...the other part knows ive reached my limit of figuring things out myself and i just kinda need someone elses thoughts on things to get any farther or at least get some sort of validation i guess...i thought about my notebooks to the latest one i have and i have a lot of different things in there and i know i have a lot of things in this one but im not sure i can just hand over my notebook right now...and since i know im horrible at getting things started i might just relent and let her have the link to this journal and try hard not to stress about it..within reason though and im pretty sure i wouldnt let her read the comments and what not but i havent decided yet if im gonna give her the link to it...when i told her i had an online she said i could give her the link but at the time i said no because it made me nervous but now i dont know..yea it still makes me nervous and feel really vulnerable which i dont like either but im sure somewhere in my head i know im gonna have to start making huge sacrifices one way or another before i manage to kill myself to put it bluntly...i guess i can be extremly good at getting thigns out in writing..and if she reads it then in someways that makes things a little easier for me but ill still have to explain a lot of it..maybe i just tire myself out constantly thinking up questions that dont have answers and trying to make things better without knowing what im doingg...except for some far off goal to die i dont really know what im doing..and i say that alot lately because its true but then i have to think about who i can go to that has the answers i want and i cant think of anyone...from my human behavior classes ive learned a theory that says ppl in therapy really do have all the answers they need to get 'better' they just need a little help finding them and understanding them and in some ways i completely agree with that but more in a general sort of way..having to apply it to myself makes me want to call the whole thing a bunch of bull and leave it alone but that wont work either because i actually like the theory...its just hard for me to believe i have the answers to fix myself and i havent done it yet..there are a lot of subjects that just thinking about them makes me want to shut down and forget i have to say anything...i swear its like having locked doors in my head that im not allowed to open..maybe i dont want to know everything but then having huge blanks doesnt make me feel better either...either way i dont come out winning...i think i would just end up hurting more and well yea ignoring things doesnt make them go away but that doesnt stop me from trying...admitting things just sucks royally really they do...once i admit anything it all becomes true and no one has bothered asking if i want to know the truth...i guess its assumed i want to since im in therapy and supposedly working and dealing iwth all of this stuff and i could swear up and down i havent worked on anything but i guess that counts as a lie too...there are things i dont realize until i have them explained to me more than once by arran..i would think she would get tired explaining the same things over and over because it would seem like i wasnt listening but i do listen i just get a little stuck hearing some things and forget or not believe it and it takes me forever to think about somethings and find a conclusion i can work with...some things i cant figure out at all no matter how many times shes tells me and i cant explain my reasoning for not being able to without seeming like i just dont want too...it makes me seem like a whinning kid and as much as i do yell at myself to grow up and deal with it i cant..it doesnt work..age is such a stupid thing ..i want to say leave me alone and let me be a kid but im not a kid...im supposed to be an adult and do adult things but i dont know how to be an adult at least not really...i can do all the regular stuff like paying bills and having a job if i bothered looking and all of that but there has to be more to being an adult than that? maybe i just dont want to be an adult, i would say i want to be five again but i cant really remember being five...its kinda hard not being able to recall being a kid at all...i know i had to have been one but its like one morning i just woke up and i wasnt a kid anymore...no matter how hard i think about it or try to make myself remember it seems like the farther away it gets from me...maybe soon ill forget completely and not be able to bring any of it back..who knows...i was thinking about depression last night and well it came up because i took this assesment online the other day from someplace and it said i had major depressive tendencies and that might be fine and dandy but i dont think thats really true...i might be depressed and everything but my level of functioning doesnt change that much..i still get out of bed and go to class becasue i have to..i might spend more time sleeping or just laying in bed when i dont have nothing to do but i dont spend days in bed doing nothing...and ive seem my dx and not that i would outright disagree with it..and i always forget which type of depression i have is called i think that one is right...as if that just made any sense at all..but its just more of an on going thing...it doesnt go away and sure i hide it extremely well but all the same i have a heck of a hard time remembering a time when i was really happy for longer than a few hours at a time....that just sucks too..i mean i had to have been happy at some point right? when i wasnt wishing for a million ways to die or something there had to be something that made me happy and stuck with me..and i cant think of anything that was longer than a day at a time..and thats pushing it because im not even sure it was a full day...my stupid happiness comes at the weirdest times and never ever stays long...maybe i am bipolar..but that wouldnt work either because i dont get manic..that could be fun but its not me...borderline ok fine but thats juts mostly for the cutting thing...i mean yea i fit the guidelines for it and if i thought about it anymore i would swear i could have written the definition but i dont know...maybe knowing im borderline gives me an excuse to do what i do..not that i use it like that because only a few ppl even know and its not like i blame it on that or anything...its just i know and thats enough...so now im just thinking i need to stop talking to myself before i go to sleep...but anyway i thought about cutting last night too not actually cutting because i had done that earlier but it was more of why wont i stop kinda thing....not even looking at the scars makes me really want to stop anymore and that worrys me...ive gotten way more dependent on it lately and its a step away from being a need, like eating or sleeping...and that would be bad, very very very bad...and me knowing that doesnt make me feel any better because given enough time i could find a way to explain it off and make it as ok as it could get...without letting myself end up in the hospital...its like walking that very very fine line between life and death without crossing over to either side..yes im alive and living but not because i want to be i dont think..its becausae i have to be..ive had a couple talks about suicide with arran and im pretty sure they werent directly related to me because if they had been i prolly would have been in and out of the hospital a dozen times but anyway...i never come right out and say it and all the times i could convince myself it would work i end up being very alone at the time...and as bad as that is and as bad as it can get i know i wont do it either...i was trying to think of reasons why last night and i got my usual one of not wanting harris to find out and know that i had done it but the past couple days when i think about it im coming up with a new answer...i dont want to die without knowing what real love feels like and i know why im thinking of it and it just sucks because i dont think ill ever find that out and im not talking the love i have for riley and harris or for my family thati actually like but for like someone my age who would know enough about me to know what i do and not tell me to go to hell..i really want to be upset with yvonne for getting a boyfriend and leaving me out because she is doing something that i know nothing about and i dont want to know anything about because i wouldnt be able to handle it but i want it all the same...i want what she has but i cant get that because i can barely tolerate myself on a good day much less have to tolerate someone else in a love kinda way...prolly a good thing i know that but that doesnt make me feel any better about things at all...and then that of course brings up the issue of me not even being able to decide which i like better...for all teh safety reasons i can think up i would rather everyone left me alone from a relationship stand point..but when i want to really think about it i know im not completely comfortable around guys...i just associate guys with being hurt and i really dont know where that comes from...just something i know i guess and leave it to me to get into a bad relationship and not be able to get out of it...just what i dont need someone else getting at me for who i am when i can do that prefectly fine by myself....i dont really care if im yelling at myself or something but it makes it different if someone else is doing it...guess thats one of those things i cant explain to anyone in a good way...i have so many background conversations in my head all the time..things i should say, things i shouldnt say, things that im not sure about saying and i have to go back and forth trying to decide what i can and cant say to keep myself out of trouble and its like most of the time its not like i would get in trouble anyway...its just gotten to the point of me looking for and then trying to avoid getting into trouble by talking and end up not saying anything no matter how much i want to...yes i can have a whole argument with myself without saying a word and lose..how in the heck can i lose an arguement with myself? its like im squaring off against myself and even then the odds arent good if i cant even win...sometimes it feels like ive broken up and the sides are just going at each other...saying i hate you really has no affect anymore its in my head so much...sometimes i dont know where the accusations i can come up with come from....like far off there is something going on that i either dont know about or ive forgotten about completely and i cant explain it...prolly wouldnt be the best time to bring up having voices in my head lol...but thats just kinda what it feels like at times..watching people argue with one side having way more ammo and way more ways to hurt the other side to get them to back down...doesnt make any sense i guess...but good grief its a huge battle being with arran and having her ask me things that i know the answers to but im just completely afraid to say anything...you know its not even her im worried about, its me and when i start thinking talking is off limits my levels of revenge i can come up with when i want to for doing something i dont want to do can get creative...making idle threats are my favortie though because i can just scare myself without having to do anything about it....i dont think i believe that anyone can protect me and i have to do it but protecting myself isnt working out so hot considering what it takes for to keep things undercontrol...im like a walking lie..yvonne could swear up and down that i dont have a problem in the world...everyone is surprised when i say im stressed and so i dont say it...i will be fine until i end up in the hospital and then everyone will know how so wrong they were about me...after the thing with my teachers and having to go to the meeting and talk to them and the contract i talked about breakdowns and crying with someone...because it had been on my mind and everything and even with all of that stuff happening i didnt cry once..at points there were times i just wanted to sitdown and cry and let someone else make things better but i didnt because it just seems wrong to cry or ask for help when the reason its all happening is my fault...its the same with cutting or burning or purging and its gotten to the point of really hurting and i just want to cry and go tell someone what ive done but i cant because its not like im sick or someone else hurt me...i did it and i knew what i was doing when i did it and that makes it my fault and im not allowed to cry about it...its against the rules, i just dont know whose rules they are...i know when i was younger and mommy told me once not to cry without having something to cry about and to stop being a baby crying all the time...i dont cry anymore without a very good reason...ive cried twice in the past 4 months..serious crying that gives me a headache afterwards and i completely hated it but cried all the same...the last time being when things didnt work out and i missed my stupid appt...if i cry then things have gotten beyond my control completely and im at a lost as to what im supposed to do...so yea crying isnt on my list of things i like doing at all...but to get back on track when we talked about breakdowns i dont know...yea i told him i dont want to be there when i do manage to breakdown bbecause i dont know what will happen..thats like a complete lose of control in everything and expecting someone else to fix things and make it better..really if i ever get to that point it would be a waste of time trying to bother fixing me...if it got to that point im pretty sure i could make suicide work...all the same i dont plan on breaking down..i can control my emotions pretty well so it would seem when i have too...but controlling them that much makes me almost forget i have them...and having to work on acknowledging them and all of that makes it hard to keep them away from me...the harder im pushed to notice them the harder i fight to forget them and its not like i arent there i just dont know what they are...i know the basic happy, sad, mad...but when im looking at a list of emotions and there are so many of them i dont know how to catergize them i dont know what most of them feel like anyway...i cant label them if i dont know what they are..

im tired of writing now..considering ive been at it for over an hour and a half..didnt mean on writing this much...didnt even mean to write half of this..just kinda happened..oh well for whoever gets stuck bothering to read it!

interesting day

i have a headache right now again and its really making me cranky but im trying to ignore it while i half watch another movie...i went out with catrina today and it has been a long time since ive seen her and it was fun...i got lunch and a movie for a christmas present from her and she didnt really like rent but thats ok...she just saw things differently than i did and i guess she looked at it in more of a religious view than i did but i still like it...i want to see brokeback mountain too and a bunch of others...wwe went to ruby tuesdays for lunch and they have a really good veggie burger...i was surprised i ate it..me the queen of not liking anything at that but it really was good if not a bit expensive...im glad i went out with her though..it was a good break from everything and i did miss her not that i told her that...but anyhoo it was a ok day...as much as i like watching rent the movie is downright depressing and once again i got really depressed because i dont know what love is and because i cant decide what i want out of love or even if i deserve love from anyone...its just weird and i suck and everything ..blah

realistic or not

this is mostly a post about food so ill spare anyone the trouble of having to read it and suffer through my rambles

so its been decided finally and accepted halfway that i have an ed if i want to admit or not...the fact that i b/p on purpose is evidence enough and even if i dont do it everyday does not make that go away...no matter how much i might want it to and talking to jenny helps me realize that...but well things are just getting weird i guess..i mean i eat and lately i have ppl questioning just what it is i am eating and its not like im starving most of the time...there are times like now when i dont eat for a reason and it might not be a good reason but it works all the same...so anyway after completely binging today and talking myself out of purging ive gone back to thinking seriously about not eating bread and cheese any more...and its not like i couldnt do it and stick to it given enough time its just thinking about that brings back into focus just how much i dont eat and how if i take out bread and cheese ill be eating next to nothing...and i dont have problem with that its just that i am trying to be halfway reasonable and it just doesnt make sense for me to do that and yet i really really want to jjust to see what will happen....i would say it would just leave really healthy stuff for me to eat but then i know vegetables arent high on my list of foods to eat and that pretty much leaves me to eating fruit and salad for the most part...sometimes other things but not much...and its not even a matter of hiding it since most of the time i eat alone...it sjust im trying not to fall into something i cant get out of....and now that im done being completely logical and thoughtful on it i know that ill do it anyway...i mean ill just do it enough that i dont have everyone swamping me with concern until i want it at least and i can say i know exactly what im doing..because ill just go home and get the speech about giving up bread anyway...but then ill just have to listen to mommy swear im starving and not getting the right vitamins and its like i just cant make anyone happy these days.... no matter what i do :( kinda sucks but i can fall back on old habits i guess...i can handle it better than people might think and its not that it bothers me i just i dont know..its not really about control and since i am trying hard lately not to start purging again ill go back to not really eating and see what happens...although i do like the feeling i get after purging...but thats is slightly dangerous and so ill try hard not to do it but not eating is a whole nother area i guess and its one or the other but i cant have both...if i had i choice i would pick a over m but im just better at the whole b/p thing...sometimes i swear dusti watches me and just gives me looks that tell me to stop what im doing and i cant...oh well

wow

this semester is over...completely...i only have two finals next week and then im going home again and christmas and new years...as much as i wanted the semester to be over and done with im still kinda sad about it...im gonna be seeing the same people next semester but still ill miss all of them..classes have been fun for the most part this time around because i did talk more...took almost till the end of the semester to get a little more comfortable at it but im a little better...trying to deal with everything else now and trying to find a ride to the doc next week somehow...ill figure that out eventually too i guess...but i guess ill get back to cleaning..well ill get back to starting to clean my room is a huge mess!

sigh

so i figure out today in the middle of a meeting with teacher that im completely jealous of everything that is going on with nia and that makes me feel horrible :( i shouldnt be jealous..i should be a million other things but not jealous...i dont get it...or maybe i do and i just dont want to own up to it i dont know but its weird and making me feel worse than i already feel...

not feeling good

im not feeling good at all right now....major headache and i took some meds to let me sleep and there went the afternoon...dont think it really helped any...im still so sleepy im ready to just fall over but i woke up to i dont know just be awake and since i woke up still feeling sick i took a shower to see if it would help any and it did for a few minutes but now that im sitting here again im back to feeling sick and headachy :( i was feeling guilty this morning for i dont know what and cleaned most of the house today..but them my headache got the better of me and i went to take a nap for a while...and now i feel bad that i didnt finish...i swear im getting crazy i mean cleaning today was like i was just waiting for my mom to walk in and completely go at it for me letting the house just get so unclean...and i know she cant just really drop in with me knowing it since its a 2 hour drive here anyway but i was just so positive i was going to get in trouble i just cleaned anyway 8o weird i guess

things have just been so off for me since the whole i suck and missed my appt bit...im not sure i want to call and make a new one...im not sure about anything right now except the huge desire to completely hurt and not care....i havent cut since yesterday and im trying hard not to but who knows...i just blame myself for all of it and there is so much going on and i dont know what to do...i was at one of my end of the year social things and a girl i knew was just standing there and starting rubbing my back and it felt so comforting and nice and i didnt want it to stop and that just made me want to cry:\...im feeling this need to be comforted and its not getting filled and ignoring it is making me feel worse outside of the general i think im coming down with a cold feeling...i hmm i just dont know..its not like its a i want a guy to comfort me feeling either cas just thinking about that makes me want to gag and move :p but just a more general i want my mommy feeling...the problem with that is i wont be getting that and it makes me just want to yell at myself for being such a baby and not able to handle things at all....things just suck right now...i cant decide if i want to go see one of my teachers on monday and then im not sure ill make it to monday and be completely safe...im not sure if i want to call the crisis hotline or just sleep away the weekend and hope i feel better next week...next week classes end for the semester too and i was supposed to be doing work for that this weekend and im not and i dont need any more stress to add on to things right now :|

i just need to get a grip

everything sucks

yvonne stayed home today and that was probably a good thing..... i missed my appt yesterday because my ride didnt show up...as much as i didnt want to go i did want to go and then i didnt and it was just way to much and so i cried for a little while and then cut a lot..i had cut earlier than that but yea..i wasnt nice to my wrist at all yesterday and now it hurts alot and im trying not to movie it much but having to cook didnt help that any....im supposed to call today and make a new appt and im not sure if i will...i dont think they will keep letting me make appts if i keep missing them :(...and i dont know ...im just really annoyed and upset and sad and not feeling to hopeful about anything anymore

anixety sucks

i think i forgot how to breathe when i woke up this morning....literally...im so nervous and on edge right now and i have just an hour to suffer through before my appt and im really thinking the worst and have been for most of the day and i know it wont be that bad but thats not helping me right now! i cant decided if i want to cry or cut and well i dont cry so its not like i have many options...i just need to calm down a little bit before i jump out of my skin! i was really glad prof dunn emailed me today..it really did make my day even if it was a short message and she was just saying hi it was still nice and i had been wanting to email her but i couldnt think of a reason to email so i just didnt and today she did and i got to email her back without seeming like i was in the way or something...i think ill bring my notebook with me just to have incase i do decide to hand it over...maybe ill give her the link to this i dont know yet...i cant think anymore right now im juts driving myself crazy

all over

this semester really does end next week...ive been waiting for it for so long and now its here and im not really ready for it. i did my group presentation yesterday and it turned out really well in fact and everyone had fun at our activity. i just have to turn in the journal part today and i will be done with almost everything except tests and finals strting next week. im really tired today and i dont know why..i didnt go to bed as early as i could have but i slept ok i guess...i should really go back and have my iron checked again because im not sure its doing to good...or else i could actually care enough to start taking the vitamins again...but its majorly hot here and that annoys me and i still want it to snow and it doesnt look like that will be happening at all...i am so moving somewhere that gets snow once i graduate. dusti is sleeping in my bed again and climbing all over the furniture downstairs and pushing things off...im gonna work on getting her a really big or at least semi big scratching thingy after christmas so she will have something to play on...shes not big on toys seeing as to how she prefers playing with my notebooks and bags...i want to go to the movies again to see rent...it was a really good movie! and now i cant wait for it to come out on dvd...there are still a few movies im waiting to buy but ill get those over christmas i hope...i have to go send in the money today for yvonnes present and im hoping i will get it there in time to get it before she goes home...im hoping so if not..i dont know....and if not ill figure something else out...somehow i ended up agreeing to go to three parties friday...i still have no idea how ill be going to all of them and i think i might be skipping one but still sending what im supposed to be bringing with someone else..i hate being so busy!

temper temper

i was mad...really mad like 10 mins ago...now im not really mad anymore and of course in the span of about 20 minutes i cut and messed my wrist up again after watching it take almost a month to look normal again...theres just no point to any of it anymore really...what is the point in yelling at me like i could someohw change pictures that have already been seem...like i would really waste my time messing up pictures im not paying for...but i still get yelled and called stupid for not knowing how to work my on stupid camera and for somehow just messing up the pictures on purpose...alright fine..im just a stupid horrible person and i deserve to die and all that fun stuff...why is it that one person can completely make me feel worthless and horrible in less than 10 mins...and im even dumber for making myself believe it

not good enough

ever get the feeling you arent good enough...with all the nice comments there are more bad ones to follow and that what ever you manage to do correctly still isnt enough to get rid of all the things you havent managed to do...nothing really matters i guess...at least not anything i do or want to do

everything

i just got finished cleaning my room so now its all put together and clean and orderly..i even made my bed and its kinda sad i dont remember the last time i actually made my bed completely at one time...bad me i know..but i ummm done packing and now i just have to clean up the kitchen because its like against every rule i know to not leave the house clean for the holidays when you go out of town or anywhere...and im really glad yvonne cleaned up most of the downstairs before i got here and that helped some..but i know she mostly did it because her bf was coming to pick her up....but still it got done and i shouldnt complain...mommy wont be here for another couple hours and that gives me time to shower and get redressed again...and of course get all of dustis stuff together to go...still kinda sad and im not sure why...maybe becaues i dont really want to go home...not looking forward to cooking either anymore...i think i did ok on the policy test though..glad there wont be classes for a few days but i still have work to catch up on and a paper to write...the group that presented today did really good! and it was very informative on gangs...now i dont know i think ill finish getting stuff together to go home...lucky me

surprised

i ofund out yesterday that im going home this weekend...not thrilled about it but its not like i cant use the money yet again with the holidays and trips and things coming up...i have to take my homework home with me because i have to study for my test on tuesday...and then go home again for thanksgiving...i have to cook for thanksgiving and mommy might be going out of town again...last year was easier cooking through because i was actually eating meat then but now im not and i have no idea whati ll end up fixing for myself...but oh well ill figure it out..i think i did ok on my practice test but ill find that out next week and i hope i did good..still im pretty sure i should study more or at least on a reg basis...my classes next semester will be stressful because i once again got stuck with all tuesday/thursday classes and one i really dont want to take but i cant screw up and fail this bio either...so its not like ill skip class or anyhting its just that by the time i have to go to that class ill be tired and what not...ill have to figure out a way to eat or something through the day...eating is eating and i eat for the most part but then ive been b/p lately and getting completely obessed with weighing myself just to look at the numbers...and that could really start to become a problem well a bigger problem than it already is...i have to go see my advisor today and that should be fine but i dont plan on telling him yet that i have an appt to see my doc in a couple weeks...im just trying hard not to cancel it again..

undecided

why is it that when everything in me is screaming for me to lie i have to be the good one and just tell the truth...give or take the dates

done for now

i have such a headache right now..i think my eyes are going cross literally i made it through the meeting and have a whole group of teachers tell me again and again how concerned they are and all the questions and i really should have figured that i wouldnt get out of the meeting without talking at all...they made a point to include me even if i barely looked at any of them...you would have thought i was walking to my death thats how stressed i was about all of this...and i have to meet with my advisor again on thursday to get a copy of the contract and all of that good stuff and i will be completely glad to never be in the same room with any of them again but that wont be happening either...and im still having so much trouble processing all of this and i really hate that i had to agree to a semi safety plan and know that its there in writing its like im entitled and expected to follow it and i dont like letting it be known that im suicidal and now i have to bring it to my 'teachers' attention which sucks...i barely even let my doc know and they weaseled it out of me and i knew it was coming but still wasnt expecting it and i said no at first and then got the whole long talk about why it was important for them to know what i would do if i had an emergency...and one of them just had to ask if i had been suicidal before and when...getting sucked into the floor wouldnt have made me feel any better about anything that happened today...i just want to go to bed

rant

i just need to write before my head explodes or i start crying in the computer...i mean im not doing anything but playing games online and im still tearing up about nothing...ok so i know what im tearing up about but i havent cried about it yet and i really dont plan on starting now i left this morning with yvonne because i just didnt trust myself to stay home and leave on time...at least if im wasting time on campus ill actually go to the meeting i guess...i should have eaten this morning and im feeling sick but majorly hungry at the same time...ive learned that is the downside to purging...if i purge and do it 'good' im so hungry later on and it makes purging a waste if i start eating again later on..last night i had to go to bed just so i wouldnt go looking for something to eat...if i hadnt purged i prolly wouldnt be feeling like im starving right now but i am and i dont have money or anything on me to get anything to eat with anyway so it will have to wait until after the meeting and thats just if i decide to go home or not and i dont know how long the meeting will be or anything and its not like i can really plan anything right now... i just noticed my fingers are going numb sitting in here for so long and i still have like 2 hours to hang out before its time for me to go and looking at the clock makes me feel like im gonna be sick...ok everything makes me feel like im gonna be sick right now...i really hate not knowing what im going to be asked...i would just much prefer to go back to bed and pretend none of this is happening and that this is just another monday to waste doing nothing...i havent even begun to study for the test i have tomorrow and i just printed out the info for the paper i have due on wed. i dont know what im waiting for but i cant concentrate on anything until i know for sure what is going to happen and what i will ahve to do....i spent most of the weekend thinking about how all of this got started and how it would have just been better if i had lied about all of it and i know that even if i had done that someone would have caught me in the dept eventually and that just makes me feel more horrible

ok guess ive complained enough

not a good day

i dont know what to do anymore...right now i just want to cry or throw something...things are being taken out of my control and then given back with guidelines and i dont want it anymore..well not this way...i have such a headache right now..i just want to go to sleep and forget today happened but im not tired even a little bit...i skipped my class tonight because my head cant handle anything else and i still have to finish the work im supposed to be turning in...im bordering on not caring but i know i need to finish the work...i just want to hide in bed until monday comes and goes and i dont have to think about any of this anymore...i never ment for any of this to happen and the more my teachers try to help the more i want them to go away..i dont want there concern or support anymore...i want to be left alone and thats not gonna happen either...everything sucks right now

ok weekend i guess

things are ok i guess..or as ok as they can be lol..i went home and that was ok considering i was actually home for like 15 mins and the rest of the time i was over at rileys and harris's house...but it was ok..i got to work and make some money that i really needed and bills are taken care of at least and i have the basic food again lol..spaghetti o's should be a main food group...after completely pigging out on halloween candy with riley and harris i dont want to look at candy again..but i have some extra just for the random chocolate fix i guess..and i went to the store and got a few more groceries and things and surprise surprise i actually have no junk food...weird i go home and live on junk food for like two days and then its back to the usual junk and it all works out ok i guess...hmm dusti was fine too since she spent the weekend by herself for the most part but im glad to be back all the same...not really looking forward to this week because i have a lot of stuff due that i havent really finished yet but for tonight im just taking a break and watching a movie or soemthing before i actually spend tomorrow stressing out..got new clothes and things but nothing to thrilling i guess...went to the movies to see chicken little and i liked it...i cant wait for the new harry potter to come out! still working on a way to make sure i can go see it lol..but ill figure it out next weekend once its closer to coming out :)

this year still sucks royally

*sigh*

i just dont know how things got so bad and off center so easily..all the weird stuff with my rommate and her boyfriend just threw me for a loop and suddenly im the third wheel and im not included and i dont want to be alone but now its like..wow i dont have friends like i sometimes think i do :( im just alone and by myself and no one can really know what im dealing with...and i guess thats not fair and im over reacting maybe..but maybe i was just selfish thinking i would always have her to talk to and ahve fun with..and now her attention is taken by someone i dont know and it makes me mad kinda but more jealous..and i hate that shes going somewhere and i cant follow her :( shes growing up (regardless of ages here) and im just getting left behind again :\ now my thoughts are just being taken over by thoughts and wondering why exactly it is that i cant have what she has when it makes me so happy? what makes me so unlovable and different?? given i know very well i cant handle a relationship like that now and i dont know when ill be able to but i still want it..and it hurts because im just barely getting to the point of being touched without pulling away from ppl i know..i would freak out if someone i didnt know started touching me..

my mom is having surgery again and that worries me..classes worry me...getting my work done without freaking out worries me...everything worries me lately..the fact that i have no money for anything worries me beyond the normal range of worrying and for now i cant even do anything about it...i would just really rather not eat than to mention i dont have money for food anymore...lucky lucky me since i should be dieting anyway...everything is just crowding in on me and i cant see a way out of any of it...its been a sucky weekend and ive been cutting a lot and im trying to figure it all out and its like my head as reached the end of what it can safely figure out and it refuses to go anywhere else...i cant think about anything else my head is so full and i cant find an answer to any of my problems and i keep trying and it just frustrates me so much...i spent last night compeltely wired for no real reason and paced back and forth trying to figure out why i cant stop cutting :( i mean i can look at my arms and hate what ive done..i tell ppl they should stop while they can so they dont get addicted to it..i can tell all the reasons why its not the greatest coping skill and still i do it..regardless of all of it..and thats what bothers me so much..i know exactly what im doing and i still cant stop..i hate what im doing and it still draws me back no matter how long i fight it and put it off and swear to never pick up another blade again...maybe im just a wimp...maybe it is a drug and i cant stop without serious intervention..i dont know...and ive figured out i cant do it alone but how do you go about asking for help? thats not my strong point at all and without my doc i dont know what im doing either...living day to day is so hard and tiring sometimes..and i just want to give up and take a break from everything and i cant do that either :( and im just stressing myself out...i emailed my teacher today and asked if the way to get over a problem is to admit you have one :\ i mean i know i cut and purge and randomly starve but have i admitted them to myself?? i dont know...and if i dont know im pretty sure i havent then but admitting it makes it all true and i cant hide it anymore..and that scares the heck out of me...i cant do that can i?

to many thoughts floating around my head right now...just needed to write some ..not that it helps anyway

not good..

things arent really going great..i feel like im driving myself crazy ...being alone is starting to make me really nervous...i even called the counseling place on campus today but there werent any open ones for the doc i saw anyway..im going home for the weekend and right now all i can think about it how much burning will hurt...thats all i want..dont even know why..i cant get my head to leave me alone anymore and im trying not to start skipping c lasses and things because the semester is almost over and now would be a bad tme to start screwing up again..dusti is going home with me snice i just found yvonne is going home for the weekend too..i dont know where shes going actually i just know she wont be here...things have changed and i dont like it at all

...

i hope i die a miserable death

dull day

its been a long day and ive done preetty much nothing except eat way to much the past few days and it sucks and im so fasting next week some how...dont know how yet since tuesday is a horrible day...as long as i stay out of the house its not so bad but i know if i stay home ill be bored enough to eat and then ill end up purging and im trying not to do that but i dont know...hmmm just lots to think about i guess

cold

im so cold right now...ive been cold since last night and just cant get warm to save my life...things are not going great i guess..or maybe i just dont know..my teachers keep asking for the reasons why i wont go back to see arran..and its not like ill tell them all the reasons..some im not even sure i know anyway but the ones i do know i dont really plan on sharing...im meeting both of them on monday and as much as i like them seperatly i dont want to deal with both of them at the same time..all of it is just making me really nervous and everything..im going home next weekend and im so glad its cold out because i can wear long sleeves again and hide what ive been doing to my arms...i almost thought i would have to go to the doc earlier this week but they got better and everything and im not worried anymore....yvonnes bf is coming again this week and i dont mind it just makes me think about how alone i am..not that i want a relationship or anything because thats just more than im willing to give at the moment its just that everyone sees fit to ask me a million times why i dont have a bf like its so very important and thats one of those things that i dont have an answer too..i mean its not like its anyones busy why i dont date or what ever and if i dont bring it up then obviously i dont want to talk about it but not like anyone listens to me anyway...to many questions lately that i cant answer..to many things i dont want to think about but i am and then there just stuck in my head because i dont talk and i have no plan to talk...im starting to wonder what will happen if i stay out of therapy and my teachers know...i could say im fine which i do but im not exactly sure they really believe me since they also ask if i still s.i and how often and i dont lie and i really could just to keep myself from feeling trapped and i dont...i can barely deal with the half truth and making up a lie and remembering it just takes to much time and effort..so ill go monday and figure out a way to once again not commit myself to agreeing to going to the doc because i cant..and im fine and im really starting to wish everyone would leave me alone until i manage to do something stupid.

morning now

i so never thought it would be staying up this late tonight...considering its 2 in the morning..im so glad i dont have early classes! anyhoo angie had another birthday dinner/party tonight and it was a lot of fun..hence i was at it for five hours..i only had a very small glass of wine and poured most of it down the drain because im not a fan of any type of wine and i have a really long day today and i might not like my classes but i know better than to show up hung over to them..that would be murder...ive been working on my classes for next semester and all my classes are still falling on tuesdays and thursdays..no way around it :S and i hate that so so so much and theres one class i really want to take and its another 3 hour class...i hate my schedule so much..i need to hurry up and get my license so i can get a job..im really starting to hate not having money..food suddenly isnt so important..considering i havent eaten real food today..just the muffin things i made earlier that ive been eating on all day..and at the party i ate fruit and chips and a cupcake and a piece of cake...still a bunch of cals though..but not as bad as it could have been...oh well im going to bed..tomorrow is a long day and i have work i havent finished yet

nothing to tell

last night was actually a lot of fun and everyone loved the cake i made...and i made it home in one piece but last night i was scared we would get pulled over..i really should stop letting them drive me home..but anyway the good news is i found out what my limit is with drinking..the bad news i dont know the exact number lol...i mean i drunk a heck of a lot last night and by 1:30 i was to the point of feeling really sick but i didnt throw up..i came home about 3ish i think and made something to eat and ate bread and drunk water but not enough since i sitll woke up sick this morning..still not feeling great and i just want to go to bed actually..not enough sleep or something and i still ahve to clean up the kitchen from dinner...and i dont know...yvonne is busy with her boyfriend and acting weird ..and that annoys me..and im trying not to b/p again but im planning on s/i as if that makes sense..things are just still off...i have to see both of my teachers next week and im not looking forward to that since they both now know that im not in therapy...lots of things to do..i have stuff do next week and i have barely started on it...

fun fun

i cme ou t and ate and drunk water and anow im going to bed its storming big time here an yummm even out of it i dont like the thunder at all non e nd i just really want to go to sleep an gohope im not sick in the montrning k

night out

it looks like im going out tonight...angie is having her party tonight and i was invited and im making the cake too...taly is coming to pick me up later this afternoon and i do have to go pick up a card for angie...i think i might be making a trip to the mall today! oh well ill figure it out...and i also know that if i go out with angie and taly ill be in my own little world before 12..i know ill be hating waking up on saturday morning but till that happens i dont think i care...its been forever since ive been out and drinking...not really since all the junk over the summer..havent really been feeling like going out much and when i do want to go out its just to drink anyway and i dont want it to turn into a problem ..but tonight will be fun and i really do just want to forget everything for a while and if it takes a heck of a lot of vodka ill be sure to wake up tomorrow in one piece at least...oh well im off to clean up a bit..

stupid..really stupid

its october..i want a christmas tree..im considering crying to get one too...now there are a lot of things wrong with that...its not even cold yet..kinda at night but thats all...christmas trees arent even out and i dont have the mooney to get one...and i dont cry and not over a tree...im being incredibly stupid right now..and being a baby and being bored and feeling lonely and alone..and wanting my doc back and just flat out driving myself crazy for the hell of it...








i made muffins..i ate way to many muffins..i suck

left out

yvonne has a new bf....im jealous...


i shouldnt be though..i mean shes happy and im really glad she is i mean i would be a horrible person if i wasnt happy for her...

im just weird i guess and stupidly confusing

not much to say

im back home now...the weekend went as planned i guess..nothing much to tell from that..saw riley and harris and that was fun, harris likes a series of unfortunate events and i let him borrow the movie until i go home again...not that i mind i know ill get it back ...kinda annoyed i wasnt able to get the two new movies i wanted..guess im back to waiting until after christmas again..ill make a list this time so i know the ones to keep a look out for...i have the apartment to myself though until tomorrow night im guessing...im enjoying the quiet..i think ill sleep in tomorrow..and then give my room a good cleaning..the puppy has pulled junk under my bed again and its best to clean up without the puppy here..kinda sick of cleaning this place though..im always cleaning,,just in a sad mood again..leg isnt hurting anymore though at least..i cut while i was at home...

class

of all the things to talk about in class today the topic just had to get on suicide...i wasnt thrilled aabout it at all and listening to someone else talk about it didnt help my mood any at all..

on a random note..i actually spoke in class voluntarly

sad

i keep thinking about everything i dont want to think about...i guess i would have figured out by now that trying not to think about stuff just makes me think about it more...something is just yelling at me to deal with it and grow up and then there is just something else that completely refuses to do that..i would rather just be a kid and keep lying to myself about ev erything...i could say i dont care any more and that would be half true because i dont but i also know im going home this weekend coming up..even if i was completely and utterly suicidal i wouldnt do anything...depending on how your looking at it that could be a good thing..could be a bad thing..all the same im not doing anything anyway..i wont get into what im thinking because im tired and i want to go to bed but since im waiting for something to come on im up for another couple hours at least..maybe not so ill just say another hour..i might not watch all im waiting to see...i keep wondering how much sense im making...i cant reallyy figure it out..just lots of thoughts and i dont want to write because then it just all becomes real..just like saying stuff...all of its a bunch of bs and a waste of time an d i really never should have started any of it and i wouldnt be where i am right now...if i start crying one more time ill scream..a pretend scream of course..i just wasnt expecting the whole no doc thing happening...and now its not like i can really talk about it..if i mention it to my teachers they wont be to thrilled about it..and its not like common convos center around losing a doc ... hard to understand without expriencing it...it really is like losing a really good friend...nevermind...i dont care

once again

i cant figure out my head...all these thoughts are going around in my head and not getting anywhere and im tired of thinking about all of it and about none of it at the same time...i cleaned the whole house today..guilt cleaning but i cleaned all the same...guilt cleaning is interesting since i dont allow myself to stop till its done..but i mean i really cleaned and it wasnt noticed...not that i was expecting a thank you since i live here but just a little acknowledgement would have been nice and made me feel less invisiible...im just feeling too sad and alone for my own good..same old same old..working on some old poems and what not..not a great idea wither but i have no one 'good' way of emptying my head...

just feel like writing

having a tired day...not feeling like doing anything and havent really done much today...watched maria full of grace and it was a good movie sad though...i like having netflix..kinda sad ill have to cancel but ill get it again eventually i guess...still weirded out about the whole doc thing...i dont know what i was thinking but im trying to go day by day i guess..and figure it all out as i go along...already s/i and b/p for the week so not feeling great but i dont know...i didnt go home at least since mommy went out of town to take care of some stuff dealing with her accident in ohio..not that i wanted to go but mainly because i knew the second she saw me she would start yelling at me about how much ive been picking at my face...i dont even know why i do it :( so i have another week to deal with it i guess and hopefully try to stop enough to let them all get better to some point...i made pancakes today though..found a nice easy veggie recipe for them and they came out pretty good i think...i made some baked donut things to that are ok but i know next time to not use nutmeg since im not a ffan of the stuff...im trying to think of something to have for dinner though..im trying not to purge again..hurt to much...its been raining all day today and i spent all day inside anyway...i swear i spend to much time alone and in the house..but i cant help that..to much going out makes me paranoid and then i dont have the extra money to spend anyway...no reason to go anywhere..will prolly finish cleaning up the house tomorrow...last night yvonne came in and gave this long speech about how great i am and its not that i dont believe her its just well no i dont believe her...not that i told her that or anything..i mean it was a nice speech and all but still i just do what i ahve to do..and if i get stuck always cleaning or something its no big deal i guess..ive been doing it for forever and washing dishes is no big deal...i just know that if i want it done and done right i have to do it...guess that goes with depending on myself for things..between me and yvonne i do clean up a whole lot more...and i hate cleaning unless im feeling guilty or something like i was last night...but oh well..tihngs are more likely to get done that way anyway...oh well off to cook i guess..and clean the kitchen from this morning

changes

you would think ordering a happy meal with no meat was against the law...yes i still like the happy meal toys and no i dont want the meat its really not as big a deal as ppl make it out to be :S it makes me feel weirder than normal and its just ok so i dont eat meat..who cares!

last night was hmmm not good at all..i figured out that im actually not going back to therapy for a while and ill have to figure things out on my own..and im really fine and all that great stuff..and i called and canceled my appt today so yea im offically on my own for a while..im still sad that i didnt get a chance to say goodbye..i dont know how long i will get away with not being in therapy but all the same i just cant go right now...it took forever to call in the first place and now im cancelling and i dont know how much it will take to get me to call again...i know all the emergency numbers and things but i dont call them either..ill just have to figure out a way to make sure i stay alive...hmmm so anyway last night sucked and i think more than likely im going home this weekend..i need to work and i really need the money thanks to mommy..and even then im barely managing to budget for food :S i cant figure any of this stuff out...

i think i failed all three of my tests today...but ill figure that out soon enough..if i did then ill just have to work a whole lot harder for the other assignments and things...im running for treasurer of salsa and im prolly gonna get it since im running against myself but still i had to give a speech and i wasnt to happy about that but i gave it and les and stef was there so it was ok, i got through it...have a break from class right now..three hour class and we have a test and the guy is being mean and making us stay for the second half of class :( i so want to just leave but i cant do that...so ill suffer through the next hour and a half...dont know how but ill sit there at least..

bad mood

im sick of the puppy...

i have three test tomorrow im not ready for..i have no idea how im getting to the doc on thursday..i have no idea about anyhting right now..i just want to go to bed..but i cant because i dont really want to sleep and im not taking the puppy in my room any more...this is like the 10 millionth time she had peed on my darn blanket

random thing of the day..les asked if i had lost weight and i of course said no but i guess eventually it will get more noticable but until then i dont have to agree with anything...yvonne ate most of my luna bars and its to expensive to buy another box again right now..so im out of my snack for a while..

not feeling much like writing though

hmmm

ever feel like no one really knows you??

thats what im thinking tonight...no one knows me..i dont even know me and i guess i cant expect anyone else to know me either

sleepy

i want to go back to bed because im tired but i just keep thinking there are other things i should be doing..it sucks i have three tests on tuesday...but i will try hard to start studying again today for them...ive spent way to much money recently and when i told yovnne i would starve for a month i dont think she believed me but i ment it...with mommy taking money from me and not giving it back on time i dont know how ill be paying anything once dec gets here...i cant give up my fin aid anymore because i wont be able to pay anything at all and mommy isnt on time with anything and i hate being late ... i know i should find a job but things are kinda limited without having a car...so money worries are seriously bothering me right now along with just about everything else..classes are just stressful by themselves and the sw dept has got to do something to stop the 3hour classes all on the same day..tuesdays are the worse day of the week and it takes the rest of the week to even get my head back after suffering through policy...but anyway class is class and i hate tests and i really dont study well...fall break is soon though and i know ill be going home for part of it..hopefully just until sunday though..i dont want to waste all my break at home...and i dont know if im bringing dusti or not...i dont know how im getting home either..mommy keeps talking about the bus and i hate riding buses there is no need to waste that much money and i dont know..a bus home would be a 6 hour ride and its less than 2 to drive it..i would rather stay here anyway but oh well for what i want..besides i told harris i would come home to see him soon...ive stopped b/p again so maybe thats my good news of the day...and i joined netflix kinda..got a free trial from a friend and i absolutley love netflix now lol..thats an extra $10 gone every month but seriously food is so not high on the importance list of things ... considering yvonne really wouldnt let me starve but then i so rarely see her and we hardly ever eat together anymore she wouldnt figure anything out for a while...but anyhoo i have food for now anyway...dusti is feeling a lot better and her little scar is almost healed and her hair growing back...i got a new pair of jeans the other day and i really like them...today is cleaning day i guess kinda...i refuse to by dishwasher junk when i can wash the dishes better..and its not like i have anything better to do...just hard cleaning everything up and then yvonne comes and destroys the kitchen and leaves it like im supposed to clean it up...i could leave it all there but then it would just annoy me seriously and i would end up cleaning it all up anyway...my moods are seriously off lately...im just getting paranoid about everything...i spend way to much time by myself and at home and now i dont really want to go anywhere...i think i will end up calling a cab on thursday for the doc appt but i dont know..im afraid to take the bus and have to cross the huge intersection..but i havent decided yet...i could call and cancel but eventually i would have to call back and still worry about how to get there...its times like these that not having a car kinda sucks..ok not having a license either

stupid school stuff

so i finished my paper for the most part...20 dumb pages and im not really sure what to think about it...im just glad its almost done and i can turn it in and not have to think about it anymore...but then i keep thinking she will show my paper to someone else and then i dont know...i didnt give to much info in my paper but ive learned the social work teachers can read between the lines really really well! so im not sure..i tried hard not to over share but i dont know ... its stressing me out..all of it..mommy wants me to come home to watch henry in a couple weekends and i just dont like taking the bus at all...i mean geez a two hour ride really doesnt need to turn into a 6 hour one for the sake of just going home...i dont want to go my wrist is not exactly in a good place and the unexplainable scars showing up on my stomach are just stupid ...ive done a lot of things i shouldnt have lately...b/p is really making my throat hurt..not that i have a lot of stuff in the house to even eat but its getting really hard to eat half normal again...

hair and whatnot

i did my hair today and ended up cutting it..well trimming it a little bit and its shorter and its noticable and i think it turned out pretty good for me to have just cutting it for the sake of cutting it..and i didnt even have a clear look at the back of my head but i got a pretty even cut...same old way i always wear it and everything...i just keep thinking that when my mom sees it she is gonna freak and then i have to remember that its my hair and she cant do anything about it and then i think that she can...but its cut now and its not growing back anytime soon...soooo

@

it hurts

everything

to say things are bordering on being out of control with very good control is putting it micely and since im the only one who prolly can figure out what i mean its ok...i completely failed my quiz today in cj and that sucks and a lot of those i should have known..right now my head is really hurting and im going to take a nap soon...

yesterday was my birthday and it was jsut another day..yvonne got my a calendar i absolutely love and i got money and plenty of happy birthday wishes and thats about all..im going out for dinner today with catrina though...tried really hard to make yesterday and okay day and i guess i pulled it off partially if you dont count the s/i and the b/p...

and i found out yestrday that i really have no choice except to go back to aaran not that i dont want to i just dont like new places and i dont like therapy and putting them together at the same time just isnt the best idea...ive never gone to a first appt alone weird enough because most of the time its someone who wants to help and takes me pretty much because i wouldnt go otherwise...and this time its just left up to me...hmm part of my head is juts yelling at me to grow up and the other part is reminding me that ill most likely get hit my a car crossing the street...but anyway i really can understand the campus docs take on things and i have been with arran for a really long time..and its not that i hadnt planned on going back i just umm hadnt planned on going back anytime soon...except now ive done more 'bad' things than i can process safely and figured if i didnt call i would just end up in a whole lot of trouble very very soon...so i called today and got an appt and i have no idea how i will be getting there but ill figure that out soon enough i guess :S im going to lay down though

nothing

Starve my pain away, make me beautiful, make everything ok, turn my problems into bone, crush them up, gather the remains, blow away the dust.

the usual junk

as usual im doing nothing and bored out of my mind...but feeling a little better than i was last night but still bordering on being depressed seriously and its only been a few days since i got over the last stupid deprssion bit..so anyway my head is somewhere i dont even want to be...its starting to suck being in the house so much but i guess i would rather be here than wandering aimlessly around campus...roxy is taking my to get dusti fixed on monday and im worrying about that some..since its pretty much an all day thing and i wont be able to pick her up until that evening..i hope nothing goes wrong...guess my high point would be i didnt s/i last night even though i looked at my wrist for like an hour and couldnt decide what i wanted to do..maybe not good but not bad either :/

song for someday

"No One"
aly and aj

I am moving through the crowd
Trying to find myself
Feel like a guitar that's never played
Will someone strum away?

[Chorus]
And I ask myself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
and I tell myself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

You are moving through the crowd
Trying to find yourself
Feel like a doll left on a shelf
Will someone take you down?

[Chorus]
And you ask yourself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
Gotta tell yourself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to erase it all
You wonder what it's like to not feel worthless
So open all the blinds and turn those curtains

No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

When you're moving through the crowd...

wind and rain

i hate hurricanes

another dull monday

the more i sit here the more i can think of a billion and one things i should be doing that i havent even started..and have no real intention of starting...im such a major slacker and i deserve to be shot..hmm ok maybe not shot but tortured or something along those lines! to much free time bores me but i dont want to do anything...and im already majorly behind in my reading and everything else...and doc tomorrow and stressing over it and im boring myself so im going to find something for dinner

sat night

its saturday night im at home..not that i really mind because im way to tired to last going anywhere else...but all the same it is a bit sad sitting at home..alone lol..i have to clean up the huge mess i left in the kitchen from my experimental dinner that turned out pretty decent..im watching chitty chitty bang bang and fighting sleep so hard..its just 9:30 and im ready to sleep forever..i dont really want the puppy to sleep in my bed tonight..not that i mind its just she isnt mine and well thats pretty much all..cleaning up the kitchen should take some extra time up so im not going to bed so early..but still once im dont i think i will go to sleep..i think my iron is screwing up again..my fault though because i went home and stopped taking my vits like i was supposed to because i just kinda stopped caring and havent gotten back into it again...some time soon ill have to start the countdown to my birthday..i think yvonne is going home next weekend though..i dont know if the puppy will be left here or not and i really hope not..oh well im rambling..im off

random

today while i was in the computer lab and i was typing some guy sitting next to me was like wow i should pay you to type my term papers lol...ive gotten better at typing without looking and i can pretty fast when im just pulling stuff outta my head to write but it was funny...im back to not feeling good and i didnt go anywhere with catrina and i feel kinda bad for that because i knew she wanted me to go but i wasnt up for it and if i had gone i would have fallen asleep once i got there..so im at home and going to bed very soon..i must be sleep deprived or something the way im sleeping lately...cleaned the house from top to bottom today..not counting my room..ill do that tomorrow and laundry sometime this week... i really will start my homework tomorrow too...yvonne will be gone for most of the day so ill be able to get online as much as i like and of course put off doing my work..ill have to cook some real food tomorrow...im pretty sure popcorn and granola dont count as a well balanced meal!

more days

right now im in the comp lab and have been for like onnly an hour and a half and already my hands are so cold i can barely feel them! anyway its friday and im sick again and just wanting to lay in bed all day and do absolutly nothing...im feeling better than i was yesterday and hanging out with yvonne last night did lift my mood some...i hadnt seen her in a couple days because of our schedules being so different..its been a depressing week over all and it finally just got to the point of where it was call the counseling place or drive myself in sane because i was just sitting in class trying not to cry for no real reason..just all of a sudden i really wanted to cry and couldnt explain why..so i have an appt for this coming up tuesday and ill see how it goes...ive been eating ok i guess and sleeping lots..playing online alot to but ill try to catch up on homework and things this weekend..catrina asked me to go do some stuff with her but i dont think ill go..i dont want to be around to many ppl right now and going with her would mean i would have to and im not up for it really...but i dont know since i havent really seen her in like forever...so knows maybe ill decide to go but im not counting on it at all...dusti is fine mostly going into heat again so im going to get her fixed next week im hoping..i have to call around and find out some prices but roxy said she would take me and im just waiting to find out what her schedule is like next week since ihave a ton of free time and nothing to do...except on tuesday and thinking about tuesday just makes me really worried and nervous since i have all my classes and a therapy appt all on the same day and i have no idea how in the world ill make it through all of that on the same day..being in class till 8 was more than enough to tire me out and therapy just makes me tired period...but i said i would and i pretty much dont have a choice since i have to let my teacher know what i did anyway and ill drop into her office sometime next week when i have some free time because next thursday my two week limit is up anyway and she will be looking for me...i have to start working on my family project this weekend because if i dont i will keep putting it off and then i will be rushing to finish it and i dont plan on working on it all the week of my birthday...i dont even know what im doing for my birthday...dr bass wants to take me to lunch and i said i would go but still im hoping she will forget about it but i doubt she will dr bass doesnt really forget things and its really weird i mean she remmembered osmething i said three years ago and told me so last semester when i was back in her class..it was really freaky i cant even remember stuff from that long ago much less what i told her in class...so anyway i dont think she will forget and im not gonna make it to easy for her to find me to remind me...ive been majorly selfish lately and it sucks..all ive been doing is thinking of myself and not much else and i really didnt mean to because i hate when im called selfish and i try hard not to be but i guess i am...i went and saw sisterhood of the traveling pants and the movie was good but it just depressed the heck out of me..i mean here i am with pretty much my whole life ahead of me and im doing everything possible to end it as soon as i can get away with it and i guess in a way its not fair but it becomes an obbesion at times and i really dont mean it to be because im not gonna end up killing myself anytime soon no matter how much i might want to..and there are like tons of ppl who are worse off than i am and all i do is think about myself and that is really mean of me...but i dont know...im just feeling really off lately

sigh

...i have to call the place on campus

just...

today was just like any other day...i was bored out of my mind for most of my day...all i did was eat all day and that sucked but i cant do what i did last week be cause it just got to the point where i was feeling sick from not eating and being in class all day tues was horrible..im not looking forward to tomorrow at all..im not looking forward to anything right now...im watching this movie called speak on lifetime and i read the book last semester while i worked in the library and it was a really good book, major trigger but still a good book so im just testing the movie against the book..i might like it..most likely i will since i like most movies...i bought two new movies today lemony snickett and hotel rwanda both movies i like and wanted to buy eventually..mommy will be mad at me when she finds out what i did but for now im trying not to worry about it...my cell phone is dead..i cant get it to charge i cant get it to turn on i cant get it to break..i dont want a stupid phone anyway and now i have to waste money on a new one...so im half looking for a cheap one it doesnt matter as long as it works...all the same im really starting to hate money..i hate that my birthday is so close and no one bothers believing me when i say ive cancelled it...no one ever believes me..i guess you cant cancel a birthday..when i started writting this my mood was ok but now im not so sure

draining day...

today was a really long day in an odd sense kinda...dragging myself out of bed took a couple hours and i seriously considered not going to class but im glad i did because we had a pop quiz today and i got 11 out of 15 right but she said she is just using it as an attendence thing...i havent been taking my sinus meds like i should have been and im still sick and that just makes me tired period...and i went to talk to my teacher and an hour can seem like a lifetime and talking about the things we talked about is just tiring and draining all by themselves...and she pretty much told me i need to get back in therapy and that i have a couple weeks to either call my doc or go to the place on campus...given i knew she would do that and in a way i guess i needed her to do that to make me even begin to do anything...i might have considered going to the place on campus but i never would have gotten around to making the call but know someone knows im not in therapy and ill figure out a way to talk myself into calling somewhere before my time is up...and im pretty sure i wont be calling arran just because shes at the new place and i dont want to go to the new place yet and the whole new thing just bothers me...im leaning more towards going to the place on campus for a little while or at least seeing if i can go to the place on campus again...and its majorly hot here and im not eating like i should be and definitly not drinking as much as i should be and wandering all over campus isnt fun because i always feel so foggy like i want to pass out just for the sake of resting...and laundry calls so ill finish this some other time...

supposed to feel

im supposed to feel but no one said what im supposed to feel...i dont know how to label everything...i spent most of last night completely afraid to go to sleep because i was afraid of what i might dream...i really am so afraid of what goes on in my head...im surprised i make through everyday life without anyone figuring out im completely out of it...im afraid one of these days ill end up breaking down and then everyone will know im not ok..everyone will start asking if im ok..i wouldnt be able to hide anything anymore...it my doc knew how much i was cutting again she would be so disappointed...whenever i make it back in to see her and she asks she will be disappointed...i dont know...i cut this morning and i know im going home and its just like if mommy if catches a glimpse of my wrist i might as well go ahead and kill myself...she will threaten to pull me out of school again...and thats the worst possible thing that could happen..i dont have anyone to talk to about the actual s/i stuff...my teachers work for leveling out my head but i cant tell them everything because they are still my teachers...im afraid i really will have to go to the place on campus for the time being just because i really need someone to talk to just to talk and that worries me because it means ive really reached my limit of what i can safely handle...the calmness of the day is wearing off and im just back to being nervous and scared and im worried mommy will see and stick me in hospital and make me stay home and everyone will hate me ! its all i can do not to just start crying right now...i have some safety in knowing that my teacher will help me with the family paper that i have to do but i still have to write it and that worries me big time...why do i have to keep pulling stuff on my family up...its like im being forced to remember and i dont want to remember and i keep having to do them and its so hard and everytime i consider just making up some new family for myself but i never do and i tell most of the truth and just leave some things out..but social work teachers arent stupid and they are really good at reading between the lines and im just worried i will end up saying something i dont want my teacher to know...i dont want it to get around the social work dept that im a cutter..i dont want special treatment..i dont want ppl worried i cant handle the work..even if i cant...if my teachers didnt know about the s/i i wouldnt know who to talk to about it and i would be safer in a sense but talking to my teacher today helped and i know that and it was so hard emailing her and asking to talk..but im really trying

freaking out

i need to talk to someone and i cant email my teacher because the emails keep getting sent back to me and i keep trying and its not working and im worried and completely stressing out and trying hard to find someone to talk to before i start cutting again ...today wasnt a good day and im just trying not to cry

i was right

i was right it was my sinuses ..so im taking meds for it and feeling a little bit better...spent the weekend sleeping at odd hours and actually sleeping through the night...now i have my new comp and it is really so cool and i like it tons even if it is a dell..i have to sign up for wireless so im not using yvonnes name all the time and both of us cant be signed into her name ..so ill figure that out today i guess...im going home for labor day weekend but just for a day and a half lol..i have to go back for driving class and since nia has classes monday i will only be gone until sunday..not bad i guess so im trying not to complain....hoping mywrist isnt looking so bad by friday though..i have to do laundry sometime this week to...and i went to the pool yesterday with yvonne and alexis and i really hadnt planned on getting in but i did wear a bathing suit with a tshirt and shorts but because i was in shorts this time it wasnt as much fun because of my scars and i was trying to be really careful and not let my legs show to much...but i ended up in the pool anyway for a little while but i didnt swim or anything..just stayed as close to the wall as i could and i let yvonne see my bathing suit because she didnt think i even owned one! and i have like 5 i just dont bother wearing them because its not fun for me to go to the pool anymore...but anyway i have to start doing my reading for this week for my criminal justice class and get ready for my really long day tomorrow...and hope im feeling good enough to make it through both of my 3 hour classes tomorrow night :S im suddenly really glad i dont have monday classes im not sure i could have made it.

yay me

i got my new comp...im back online :)

not my day

im not feeling good at all...im guessing its just sinuses or something and i will feel better soon and maybe it isnt and i have a cold .. i dont know i just feel majorly crappy and annoyed...being sick makes me really short tempered and i try not to say to much so i dont bother anyone but its ok since yvonne isnt here anyway....im watching pay it forward and im trying not to fall asleep so i can see the end of it...im getting my computer tomorrow and im hoping it will work with the wireless until i can get dsl hooked up...i dont want to spend a ton of money on dsl hookup either but i dont know...not feeling much like writing either...i just want to sleep i was back and forth all night..because ming was in my room since yvonne went out and dusti kept wanting to be petted..and yvonne was back and forth when she came home looking for ming but ming was under the covers and so she couldnt find her..and i would have let ming stay in my room but she started barking out the window and i wasnt listening to that all night so i went and put her back in yvonnes room...i started reading one of the mindfulness books and it is pretty good and an easy read and it does make sense i guess...pretty soon i wont be able to run away from my head...scary thought

hope this works lol

[Marital Status]	single
[Shoe size]	wouldnt you like to know
[Parents still together]	no..well i dont know
[Siblings]	8 or 9 but whos counting
[Pets]	one cat....named Dusti
FAVORITES
[Color]	purple
[Number]	21
[Animal]	cat any kind from the family..but i like most animals
[Drinks]	vodka & pineapple rum
[Soda]	diet anything really
[Book]
DO YOU
[Color your hair?]	no
[Have tattoos?]	no..im getting one for my birthday
[Have Piercings?]	just ears
[Cheat on tests/homework?]	no
[Drink/Smoke?]	yes/smoking kills
[Like roller coasters?]	yep
[Wish you could live somewhere else?]	yep..im moving to alaska eventually
[Want more piercings?]	not really
[Like cleaning?]	only when i need to think
[Write in cursive or print?]	print
[Own a web cam?]	no
[Know how to drive?]	kinda lol
[Own a cell phone?]	yea..dont need one
[Ever get off the damn computer?]	NEVER!!!
HAVE U EVER
[Been in a fist fight?]	once
[Considered a life of crime?]	no
[Lied to someone?]	yea
[Been in love?]	no
[Made out with JUST a friend?]	no
[Been in lust?]	yea
[Used someone]	no
[Been used?]	yea
[Been cheated on?]	no
[Kicked someone in the nuts?]	no
[Stolen anything?]	hmmm when i was younger
[Held a gun]	no
CURRENTS
[Current clothing]	yellow blouse..blue jeans
[Current mood]	alright
[Current taste]	nothing
[What you currently smell like]	sweet temptation
[Current hair]	same way i always wear it
[Current thing I ought to be doing]	cleaning
[Current cd in stereo]	mixed
[Last book you read]	junie b jones...i was babysitting
[Last movie you saw]	monster in law
[Last thing you ate]	caramel javalance..enough cals to be a meal
[Last person you talked to on the phone]	mommy
[Do drugs?]	no
[Believe there is life on other planets?]	sure why not
Remember your first love?]	yes
[Still love him/her?]	no
[Read the newspaper?]	sometimes
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]	yes
[Believe in miracles?]	yes
[Do well in school?]	when it counts
[Wear hats]	no
[Hate yourself?]
[Have an obsession?]	yes a few
[Collect anything?]	yes
[Have a best friend?]	no
[Close friends?]	not really ...more like associates
[Like your handwriting?]	no
[Care about looks]	depends on my mood
LOVE LIFE
[First crush]	none of your business
[First kiss]	under the desks at school..kinda fun
[Do you believe in love at first sight?]	no
[Do you believe in "the one?"]	no
[Are you a tease?]	no
[Too shy to make the first move?]	yea
ARE U A
[Daydreamer]	yes
[Bitch/Asshole]	no
[sarcastic]	no
[Angel]	no
[Devil]	no
[Shy]	yes
[Talkative]	NO!! and almost everyone i know can vouch for that one
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!