Hello 2019

This is the first day of the new year and i have to say that it feels nice..my mind is hooked on this new beginnings feeling and wondering how it will play out..i have a whole year ahead of me to change and grow and be at peace…well the make attempts ti have those things..

2018 was a year if growth and understanding myself better..a year of getting insurance and making changes for my health..for becoming more stable and working 2 jobs and even taking a vacation to the Bahamas..i passed my national tests and became a certified pharmacy tech …i think that is my shining achievement from last year..passing that test..and now i cant help but wonder what this new year will hold for me…although getting my health in order is the top priority it is not a resolution i am making..i just want to make a healthy life and lose weight…stay busy …work and have fun at the same time…life is hard enough you know without making things harder on myself..i gotta get my meds in order and get back to a functioning level..

nope ..no bringing myself down today…not happening..no no no…this year is going to be amazing…i hope big hopes that this year will be amazing… what does life have in store for me ?!?!

job confirmations

Well…things on the job front are moving along … at a fast pace really…we are looking to transfer after vacation..to a smaller store…a slower store … where we will be able to do more and be more and feel more needed and more appreciated … but i talked to the pharmacist the other day about the situation and about how i have been struggling and frustrated … and later i got a text about yes i would be able to transfer over to them..so that was the first good news…
then i had my quarterly review at my main store and i got a raise !!! how cool is that … i got a good review too …gotta work on increasing my speed and of course work on passing my test and all of that … but it was good.. i actually spoke up about the unfairness of the job board that we have to follow during the day and how i am always stuck on drive thru or pick up and some people are never on those two..not naming names ..but the manager listened and all of that and said that she spoke to them about making the board more fair and all of that so …we will see how it goes …
but this was good news..for a friday lol…good job news for a change anyway..

finally

so things are finally going to maybe ease up for me … the new morning aide may be starting within the next week and i am so excited …oh my gosh i am getting so excited … because then some of the pressure will be taken off of me and then i will be able to focus on other things and do other things or just get some rest before going to work or cook or do nothing for a while … yes .. do nothing … the end is in sight .. omg there will  finally be some help again…
today is monday … and then that of course means back to work and all of that fun stuff … im working at three stores this week …working 40 hours and all of helping sarahs hours and of course living life so as you can see ..the extra help is needed big time …
but other than that things are moving along as expected..got through yesterday but im glad therapy is tomorrow .. so very glad .. i need to empty my brain .. because yesterday was rough and its been a while since ive had a day that has been so rough …

birthdays and sadness

I have a thing for birthdays...I love them now...I make a big deal out of them and last year  I had some of the best surprises and cakes ever.
But my heart breaks for Curvon, my godson..his birthday is this weekend and the boy has been asking to have a hotel party for weeks and i talked to his mom the other day and she tells me that she hasnt made any plans for his birthday.   That he doesnt really have any friends to have a hotel party or a sleepover or anything..and it hurts my heart.  He is turning 9.  He should have a chance to do something that he wants to do and have a good time and be the center of attention for a little while you know...and instead he get pushed to the side again ... his wishes are not granted ... he doesnt get what he wants and it hurts me...

so i talked to sarah and told her what was going on and we were planning to go out of town anyway this weekend ..to the beach...and i asked her if he could come with us because he wasnt having a party or anything for his birthday and she said he could and so i talked to his mom and got everything squared away..and got the okay and he is coming with us for the weekend.  im happy because he has never been to the beach..im happy because he is going out of town for his birthday..because it will be another new experience for him..i just want him to know that he is loved and important and wanted..
how many lost and forgotten birthdays do i not remember ?  how many parties where i had no friends to invite ?  when was i the center of attention for a little while ??? i dont remember ... sigh....  i wish i could ...
it just makes me sad ... for me .. and for him ..

life with weight watchers

a lot of things have changed lately...all of them are mostly health related..i guess the biggest thing is that i joined weight watchers and got rid of the bread in the house! im still working on finding the balance with eating right and eating healthier ..some days are super good and some days are barely manageable..i need much more work with meal prep and things like that...im working to do low carb eating and the plan is to get myself at less than 50 grams of carbs a day...so i have my work cut out for me ... im less than where i was ..but still not consistently getting less than 50..so im working on it..
work is going well and im learning more .. my confidence is not there though .. i keep second guessing myself a lot with using the computers part of things..but my customer service is excellent :D
Things are going ok though..over all ok..a lot of crazy work hours and a lot of extra sleeping...doc increased the abilify which im fine with and i still hate the metformin as its making me sick again..but im actually trying this time harder because i dont want to be put on insulin...

low day

just having a low self esteem kinda day....yeah

finally !

i signed up for health insurance today !!!  go me!  i am proud of myself today.